Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) (3 page)

*****

Rachel tried to keep from watching the lights of Damian’s truck blend into the stream of traffic on East River Road, but she failed. Once his lights were indistinguishable from the rest of the traffic, she slumped against the counter. Twice in one day. Rachel wasn’t sure her heart could handle it. Usually she saw him twice on Sunday, but she prepared herself in advance for that, and most the time he was busy with his responsibilities. Never had he just stopped by the bookstore twice in one day. Three times in twenty-four hours, if she counted the previous night’s visit.

Pushing aside thoughts of Damian, Rachel quickly finished the deposit for the night. She closed up the shop then stopped at the bank to drop the deposit off before heading home.

As she pulled into her driveway, Rachel gazed at the dark house and wondered, not for the first time, if she should sell it. She loved the house that had been her home for the past seventeen years, but it was really too big for a single person. When her grandmother had died and left the family home to Rachel’s mom, it had seemed like an answer to their prayers. They’d left Chicago and come to Minneapolis, both of them trying to escape heartache and disappointment by the men who’d betrayed them. Now the house had been left to her, and there would be no one to whom she could pass it on when she died.

Maybe it was time to sell.

Rachel grabbed her purse and briefcase from the passenger seat. Weariness enveloped her like a heavy cloak as she let herself in the back door. A familiar silence greeted her. She flicked on the light in the kitchen and tossed her stuff on the counter. Living alone meant never having to clean up after someone else or tolerate another person’s idiosyncrasies, but for Rachel it also meant being lonely.

She grabbed a can of soda from the fridge and opened it as she walked into the living room. Her large Christmas tree sat in the corner of the room, decorated but unlit. Using her foot, she pressed the switch on the power bar near the tree. The tree burst into colorful life as its lights began to flash and twinkle.

She put on a Christmas CD before slumping into her favorite chair, a plush recliner. Rachel tugged the blanket from the back of the recliner to cover her feet and legs, and wondered if the rest of her life was going to be like this. Loneliness settled deep within her.

She’d resigned herself to not having Damian in her life as anything more than a friend, whether he wanted to accept that or not. It could be no other way. How could she open her heart and share her secrets, knowing that in the end it would cause heartache? Like it already had in the past. She had only to listen to his dreams of a future to know that what he wanted and what she could give were two different things. Oh, he’d be nice about letting her down -- he was that sort of guy after all -- but it would still hurt. And with her heart already hurting from the loss of her mom, she didn’t need any more pain.

Rachel rolled the can between her hands and stared at the Christmas tree, the lights blurring as her gaze lost focus. This was the first Christmas she’d be truly alone. Last year her mom had still been alive, though the cancer had been eating away at her body. Rachel had spent a lot of time at the hospital with her, and in the end it had been time well spent, since her mom had died the following February.

Negative thoughts crowded her mind, and self-pity crept into her heart. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut and prayed aloud, “Please, Lord, help me to get over this. I don’t want to dwell on the negative things in my life when I have so much to be thankful for. Just help me to get through this first Christmas without Mom. I know she wouldn’t want me to be down, but it’s so hard being all alone. Let me feel your presence, Lord, and give me some opportunities to minister that will take my mind off what is dragging me down.”

Still keeping her eyes closed, Rachel focused her thoughts on the good things in her life. Mentally she made a list.
The store and the success it’s having. My health, which I’ll never take for granted again after Mom’s struggle. The church -- hopefully there will be a place for me to minister now that I have the time. And even Christmas, what it really means -- not just the presents and family gatherings, but Jesus’ birth.

On that positive note Rachel opened her eyes. The strains of “Silent Night” calmed her heart, and the lights of the tree seemed just a bit brighter. Finishing off the can of soda with a final sip, she got up to throw it away. On the way to the kitchen she stopped to get her mail from the mailbox at the front door. Standing at the kitchen counter, she quickly flipped through it, pausing only when she saw an envelope addressed with heavy masculine scrawl.

Frowning, Rachel slit the flap. She pulled out a card and opened it. Even though she knew who had sent it, her gaze searched for confirmation in the sender’s name. Seventeen years. It had taken seventeen years, but finally she was getting a card from her father.

“
My darling daughter Rachel
,” it began. Rachel blinked back tears. She hadn’t been his darling since the day he’d walked out, taking her older brother Matthew but leaving her behind with their mom. Rachel fought the urge to rip the card to shreds.

Please forgive me.
He certainly hadn’t beaten around the bush, Rachel thought
.  Because of what I’ve done I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness, but still I must. I know I haven’t been the world’s best father, in fact, I’ve probably been the worst, but God has begun working in my heart lately, and I need to make things right with you and your mother
.

He didn’t know Mom had died, Rachel realized. She had never had a contact number for her father, and when she’d tried to reach her brother after their mom had died, she’d discovered the number had been disconnected. Letters she’d sent to him had been returned. She had tried her best to let them know, but in the end she’d been left alone to grieve.

Her brother had kept in contact with them at first, but there had been nothing from him in over six years. Last she’d heard, he had been on his second marriage and their father had been on his third. Clearly the decisions they’d made in their lives had brought them no joy.

Rachel turned her attention back to the card to read the remainder of her father’s message.
Now that Christmas is nearing, I just had to send this to let you know I’m thinking of you. I’m missing you more than ever this year, and my heart is filled with a deep longing to see you again. Or at least talk with you. Will you call me?
The number he gave was still a Chicago area code.

If you can’t afford to call me directly, please call collect. I’ll always accept the charges. You have every right to not want to talk to me. This will be the only time I contact you, because I don’t want to interfere in your life. I will leave it up to you even as I pray that you will give me a second chance.

A second chance? She slammed the card down on the counter, causing her hand to sting with the impact. He had run off with a woman not even seven years older than Rachel had been at the time. Even though he’d been a Christian, a deacon in their church, he’d fallen into the arms of a younger woman and, without a thought, had torn their family to shreds. No one had seen it coming. One day he’d just up and left. He didn’t deserve a second chance.

She would not be calling him or contacting him in any way. Surely God wouldn’t ask that of her.

Resolutely she pushed the thoughts of her father away and sorted the rest of the mail before retreating upstairs to her bedroom. A few minutes later she stepped into the shower and let the hot water sluice over her, wishing it could wash away all the worries and negative things that pulled her down. Just when she’d begun to put aside her sadness, the card from her dad resurrected it all and added anger to the mix.

Reluctant to leave the warmth of the water, Rachel took her time and tried to think about anything but Damian or her father. Unfortunately, she didn’t have much success. Rachel knew she had to do something about Damian. She had hoped he’d just pack it in after so many months of her refusals, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. Was she going to have to tell him everything in order for him to leave her alone?

If she didn’t call her father, he’d just leave her alone; or at least that was what he had said in his card. But Damian…for some reason he had set his sights on her, and something told her he wouldn’t be as easy to discourage.

Tossing aside the towel she’d used to dry off, Rachel grabbed a pair of old sweats and a baggy sweatshirt and pulled them on. Back in the bathroom, she draped another towel over her shoulders and combed through her hair, squeezing the water out as she went. Her movements slowed as she thought of all she’d kept in her heart for the past seventeen years.

Her secrets had gone to the grave with her mother, and Rachel had hoped they would stay there. She didn’t want to have to reveal the scars on her heart or her body to anyone. Damian deserved someone whole in body and in spirit. There would always be parts of Rachel missing. One part she had given away seventeen years ago. Another part had been cruelly taken from her.

Rachel’s hand dropped to her stomach. It hadn’t always been flat, but now beneath the flat surface was a hollowness she couldn’t fill. A part of her was missing that could never be regained. No matter how much she wished it could.

Drawn as if attached to a string, Rachel dropped her towel on the floor and left the bathroom. With slow steps on the plush carpet she entered the room down the hall that had been hers as a teenager and flicked on the light.

The room hadn’t changed at all since she’d moved out of it after her mom had gotten sick. It starkly reflected the woman she’d become when they’d moved from Chicago to Minneapolis. Her room there had been frilly and lacy. Posters of her favorite stars had decorated the walls, and tapes of Twila Paris, Michael W. Smith and, on occasion, Petra had played in her stereo. She’d left all that behind, the innocence of her youth, and this room reflected the woman she’d become.

Rachel crossed the sparsely decorated room and opened the closet. A couple of pillows and a comforter sat on a shelf above a scarred wooden pole from which dangled a handful of empty wire hangers. She dropped to her knees and reached for the carpet in the far corner of the closet. It came away from the floor without effort. She pulled it back and secured it under her knees then stared at the bare wooden floor now revealed.

The box hidden beneath the floorboards called to her, and Rachel almost gave in.
Almost.
But she was too emotional tonight to look at the contents of the box. The thoughts alone overwhelmed her. To hold mementos – dried flowers and tear stained letters - of such a difficult time would be more than she could handle right then.

She skimmed the wood floorboards with quivering fingertips; then, with the slightest movement of her knees, Rachel released the carpet and let it flip easily back into place. Her secrets would stay hidden tonight. And if only she could convince Damian to turn his attentions away from her, they could stay hidden forever.

Chapter Three

The clock on the dash of her car confirmed Rachel’s suspicions. She was late. Thoughts of heading home filtered into her mind, but the silent house that waited for her held even less appeal than walking in late for the singles’ Christmas carol practice.

Rachel pulled open the heavy wood door of the church and stepped into the foyer, already tugging off her gloves to unbutton her coat.  Sounds of a piano came faintly from another part of the church. Quickly she hung her coat on the rack before heading for the fellowship hall. Just outside the door she paused to run a quick hand over her hair, smoothing any wisps. Then, taking a deep breath, she opened the door and stepped into the room.

The first person she spotted was Damian. He sat on a stool in front of the group and glanced up at her arrival. Rachel hoped she was the only one who saw his eyes widen and his smile become just a bit warmer.

“Rachel!” He stood and motioned her forward. “We’re glad that you decided to join us.”

The group turned towards her, and even though Rachel knew most of them, she felt a little nervous. She hadn’t been a part of their group for a couple of years.

“Hey, Rachel,” a voice called out. “Come sit with me.”

Rachel spotted Serena Menard, the church secretary, waving, and she gratefully went to sit on the chair next to her.

“I hope it’s okay I’m joining even though I’ve missed a few practices.”

Damian sat back down, the heel of his boot catching on a rung at the bottom of the stool. “It’s fine. You are not the only one here for the first time. Since we’re singing Christmas carols that most of us have sung for years, I think it’s pretty safe to say the practices aren’t crucial. We’re not doing this for perfection, although that’s always appreciated. We want to sing for those seniors from our hearts. If the Lord has laid it on your heart to be here tonight, who am I to argue?”

He lifted the sheaf of papers in his hand. “Okay, let’s try ‘Oh Little Town of Bethlehem’ and see how we sound.”

“Here.” Serena handed her a copy of the papers and picked up another set from the stack on the chair in front of her.

Rachel found the page Damian indicated although she knew the words by heart. The piano played an intro, and together the group began to sing. Rachel easily picked up the soprano part even though Serena sang alto, and she felt a surge of joy as their voices blended on the beautiful song.

The practice went smoothly with Damian leading it. Rachel found her attention wandering at times as she watched him. The black turtleneck he wore stretched across his broad shoulders and tapered neatly into a pair of black slacks. His choice of black contrasted perfectly with the blond hair and blue eyes that told of his Swedish ancestry.

“We’ll have one more practice next Saturday. Then on Sunday we’ll meet a little early just to have a final run-through. We’re to be at the home by seven, so please be here by six-fifteen. Even if you don’t make the practice next Saturday, we’d love to have you join us at the seniors’ home.” Damian stood. “Let’s close in prayer.”

After his prayer, people stood and began to mingle.

“I’m so glad to see you here, Rachel,” Serena said as she collected the song papers. “How’s it going?”

“Good.” Rachel handed her a set of papers from an empty chair. “The store was really busy. That’s why I was late.”

“Hey, better late than never.”

“Serena.” Mark, a man Rachel didn’t know too well, approached them. “A group of us are going to Bakers Square for coffee and dessert. Interested in joining us?”

“I really shouldn’t,” Serena said. “I’ve got tons of stuff to do but…their Caramel Pecan Silk Supreme pie is to die for. I just know there’s a piece there with my name on it.”

Rachel grinned. “Personally I like their Brownie pie.”

“You’re not helping, Rachel,” Serena said with a mock frown. “Now there’s no way I can resist. How about you? Want to join us?”

“Yeah, Rachel, join us.”

Rachel’s heart skipped a beat as
Damian spoke from behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to see him standing barely a foot away. “Uh, I don’t know.”

Damian leaned closer and whispered, “I promise I won’t sit next to you.”

Her stomach tumbled, and a tug of war began. She knew she shouldn’t go. It would just give Damian the wrong message. Oh, but she wanted to be near him. Wanted to hear his voice, listen to his laugh, look into his eyes. But it wasn’t fair to Damian. The same old line kept going around and around in her mind.

Finally her heart won out. “Okay, I’ll go.”

Pleasure flashed in Damian’s eyes, and his grin widened. “Do you need a ride?”

Some common sense remained, and Rachel shook her head. “I have my own car.”

“Then I’ll see you there.” He reached out and touched her hand then winked at her before turning away.

The room emptied quickly, but the small group who had decided to go out for coffee lingered for a bit.

“Want to come with me, Serena?” Rachel asked as they pulled on their coats. “I can drop you back by here to get your car later.”

“I’d love to come wit
h you.” Serena flipped her dark brown hair out from under the collar of her coat. “Although if it’s not too much trouble, can you just drop me off at my place afterwards? I walked to work today.”

“No problem,” Rachel said as she pushed open the door of the church and stepped out into the brisk evening. Her breath sent white puffs into the air. Shivering, she pulled the edges of her coat closer together. “Man, I think it’s gotten even colder while we were in there.”

“Don’t know why I’m still living here,” Serena griped as they walked towards Rachel’s car. “I hate the cold.”

“I do too, but when I think about moving somewhere with no winter I get a sudden pang for a blazing fire, a cup of hot chocolate, and snowflakes drifting down outside my window.”

“That’s fine until you have to shovel it all out of the driveway the next morning.”

Rachel laughed. “So, is your cup half full or half empty?”

“Depends on the beverage.” Serena stamped her boots in the light skiff of snow on the asphalt parking lot.

Rachel opened her door and hit the button to unlock Serena’s. Once the car warmed up a bit, they left the East River Community Church and headed for Bakers Square. As she pulled into the parking lot Rachel spotted Damian, Mark, and four other people walking towards the door of the restaurant. She quickly found a parking spot, then she and Serena hurried through the cold air, eager to get to the warmth offered inside.

They followed the waitress’s direction to the table where the others waited. True to his word, Damian was seated with a person on either side. Unfortunately, after Serena took her seat, the only empty place left was the one right across from Damian. As she pulled out the chair, Rachel couldn’t decide which was worse, sitting next to him or across from him.

“Hey, glad you ladies made it.” Damian smiled as she sat down.

Rachel shrugged out of her jacket and draped it on the chair behind her back. “Once I get my mind on something—in this case the something being Brownie Pie—there’s not much that can distract it.”

“I know the feeling,” Damian said.

Their gazes met, and the teasing in Damian’s sent a rush of warmth into Rachel’s cheeks. Hoping no one saw her blush, Rachel lowered her gaze to the menu in front of her. Damian had perfected the art of subtle flirting, and it left her feeling as flustered as if he’d brazenly proclaimed his intentions.

A waiter appeared at the end of the table and began to take their orders. Once the man left, conversation turned to subjects Rachel didn’t know
much about. She’d been out of the singles’ loop for too long.

Across from her, Damian talked with the woman sitting to his left. As Rachel watched, the woman smiled at Damian, and Rachel could have sworn
she batted her eyelashes.

A spurt of jealousy shot through Rachel even though she knew she had no right to be jealous. Damian was, in a sense, hers for the taking. If only she felt right taking what he offered.

“...plans for Christmas?”

When Serena jogged her elbow Rachel realized she’d missed the first part of the question that was directed to her. “Sorry, what did you say?”

Damian repeated his question. “Do you have any plans for Christmas?”

“Haven’t really thought about it,” Rachel replied. It was something she’d avoided up to that point. “I’m just focused on getting through the Christmas rush. This has been our busiest year yet.”

“I’m not sure where I’ll be spending Christmas this year,” the woman next to Damian interjected. Rachel wracked her brain, trying to remember her name. She hadn’t been a part of the group when Rachel had last attended regularly.

“Why, Annie,” Serena said, a casual tone in her voice. “I assumed you’d spend the holiday with your family. After all, they are here in the Twin Cities.”

Annie.
Rachel tucked the name away for future reference. This woman clearly had an interest in Damian. And she probably wasn’t the only one. He was an attractive, single Christian man with a good job. He hadn’t always been available, but since ending an engagement to his high school sweetheart a couple of years ago, he’d become a hot commodity. A definite catch for any Christian woman looking for a husband. Too bad she wasn’t one of them.

Rachel took the mug of hot chocolate the waiter handed her and relaxed back in her chair, savoring the warmth as she took a sip. If she was going to make a success of her attempts to refocus her life and find the joy that had slipped away, she couldn’t allow her feelings for Damian to drag her down. Somehow she needed to make her position clear to him, that she was just not willing to take their relationship past being friends.

Talk turned to the singles’ Christmas party. Rachel hadn’t planned to go but soon found herself considering it.

“You’ll enjoy it,” Serena assured her. “The organizers this year have promised us it’s the best party ever.”

“Is it at the church?”

“Yes, we find it’s a lot easier to have a program afterwards if we’re at the church since restaurants aren’t always conducive to fun and games.”

“Come, Rachel,” Damian encouraged. “It’s loads of fun. I think you’d enjoy it.”

“I’ll have to check the schedule at the store, but I’ll try my best to make it.”

Rachel finished off the last of her pie, groaning inwardly as her skirt seemed to tighten around her waist.

Serena didn’t bother to disguise her feelings as she pointed a finger at Mark. “I hold you responsible for this. If you hadn’t talked me into coming, I wouldn’t have pigged out.”

Mark snickered. “As I recall, it didn’t take a whole lot of convincing on my part.”

“You should have ordered the veggie platter like I did, Serena,” Annie commented. “It’s not good to let oneself go.”

Rachel frowned. Serena had a curvaceous body type that might lend itself to gaining weight easily but still, it gave Annie no right to make such digs at her friend. Maybe Rachel was just oversensitive given her trials with weight as a teenager, but she couldn’t let the woman get away with taunting remarks like that.

“I don’t think one piece of pie is classified as letting oneself go, Annie,” Rachel said, more sharply than she had intended. “Now if we ate it for every meal, you might have a point, but since this is just a treat for us, I think it’s safe to say we’re not letting ourselves go.”

“A moment on the lips, forever on the hips,” Annie quipped with a smug smile.

“But I’ll bet Serena and I enjoyed our pie more than you enjoyed that veggie platter,” Rachel shot back.

Annie’s lips pursed, but she didn’t respond.

Rachel suddenly realized they had the attention of the entire table. When her gaze met Damian’s a corner of his mouth lifted in a grin. Just before Rachel looked away he gave her a quick wink.

Not wanting to continue the little jibe-fest with Annie, Rachel decided to end it. “Hey, I’ll make a deal with you, Annie. You eat your veggies and worry about your weight, and I’ll eat my pie and worry about mine.”

Before Annie could respond, Rachel slid her arms into her jacket and pulled it up onto her shoulders. “And on that note, I think I’ll call it a night. Ready to go, Serena?”

“Yep.” Serena pushed her chair back and got up.

Damian stood as well and grabbed his jacket from a nearby coat-rack. “Yeah, it’s church tomorrow so I can’t be out too late either.”

The group quickly dispersed after they paid their bills.

Damian followed them to the parking lot. “Guess I’ll see you two ladies in the morning.”

“If you’re lucky,” Serena teased.

Damian shook his head. “You’re a nut.”

“And that’s why you love me.”

“I’m ignoring you now,” Damian said, holding a hand, palm facing out, towards Serena. He turned to Rachel. “See you tomorrow. I’m glad you decided to join us.”

“I had fun,” Rachel told him. “Well, most of it was fun.”

“Pay no attention to Annie. She’s a bit…tense at times. I’m sorry if she ruined your evening.”