Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) (9 page)

A tall white-haired woman handed Rachel a plate covered in red cellophane and hugged her, bringing on a flood of bittersweet memories of her mother. Although she missed her terribly, Rachel knew her mother was in a better place celebrating Christmas this year.

“You have yourself a wonderful Christmas, my dear,” the elderly women said with a smile. “We sure appreciate you coming here to sing.”

“It was my pleasure,” Rachel said, hoping the pain in her heart wasn’t evident in her voice.

“And mine, too.” Serena grinned and lifted her plate of cookies. “Not that I need more Christmas temptations around.”

The evening didn’t last too long since most the seniors weren’t up for late evenings. Together the group crossed the parking lot from the seniors’ complex to the church. Some people went directly to their cars and left, but a handful went on into the church.

“Are you gearing up for a busy few days at the store?” Serena asked as they walked through the door of the church

“If this year is a repeat of last, I imagine we’ll be hopping.”

Damian fell into step beside them as they headed for Serena’s office. “Thanks for your participation tonight, ladies.”

“I enjoyed singing for them. And the goodies are always welcome,” Serena said, her eyes sparkling. She bent and unlocked the drawer of her desk where she’d put their purses earlier so they hadn’t had to take them over to the seniors’ complex.

Rachel took her purse when Serena held it out.

“Here you are.” Rachel winced at the sound of Annie’s voice. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Damian.”

“And here I thought you were looking for me, Annie,” Serena replied sarcastically.

“Now, now,” Damian warned with a stern look at Serena. “What can I do for you, Annie?”

“I just wanted to tell you what a great job you did tonight,” she gushed, wrapping her hands around his forearm.

Rachel and Serena looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

“I think everyone did a great job,” Damian replied. “It definitely was a group effort.”

“But I’m sure we wouldn’t have done half as well if you hadn’t been there to lead us.”

Rachel slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder and edged towards the door. She didn’t need to hear this. She wished Damian would just tell the woman to get lost, but part of her admired him for not wanting to hurt Annie’s feelings. He’d probably be just as gentle when he let her down. The thought made her feel sick to her stomach.

When she made it to the doorway, Rachel turned and waved. “Gotta run. Merry Christmas to all of you. Have a great week.”

Rachel left the room quickly, not waiting for a reply. No doubt Serena would have had some remarks regarding Annie’s behavior, but Rachel didn’t really want to hear them just then. She needed a little time alone.

Just as Rachel stepped off the last step to the parking lot, she heard the door open behind her.

“Rache, wait,” Damian called.

She paused and turned as he came to her side. “What’s wrong?”

“I just wanted to…apologize for that whole thing with Annie,” Damian told her.

“Nothing to apologize for, Damian,” Rachel said.

Damian shifted his weight to one leg, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Okay, maybe apologize is the wrong word. I just don’t know how to get Annie to understand.”

“Maybe telling her about Nikki would help,” Rachel suggested, crossing her arms over her waist.

Damian scowled. “Why would I do that? What
Nikki and I had is over.”

Rachel’s heart skipped a beat. Was he really not getting back together with his former fiancée? The way he’d left their conversation the night before, she hadn’t been sure.

Damian must have interpreted her silence as surprise because he continued, “Yes, Rachel, Nikki and I are over. We’ve been over for two years, and that’s not going to change.”

Breath caught in Rachel’s throat.

“Let me tell you about our break-up,” Damian suggested. “Before I asked Nikki to marry me, I asked her two other questions. Would she be happy married to a pastor, and would she be willing to have a family soon after we were married. I was almost thirty and didn’t want to wait a bunch more years for a family.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “She agreed, so I proposed. Six months after our engagement, just three months before the wedding, she got the job offer from a national television news program in New York.”

“And that changed everything,” Rachel stated.

Damian glanced at her and shook his head. “No, actually it didn’t. Just like she had accepted my being a pastor, I had accepted that as a new anchor, she might be transferred. I was prepared to move to New York with her. Obviously Minneapolis isn’t the only city with churches. I began to look into ministry opportunities in New York.

“It wasn’t until
Nikki realized where in New York my ministry might take me that things changed. She didn’t want me working in the poor areas of the city. Suddenly she began to encourage me to return to school to get my degree in psychology. I guess it looked better to have a psychologist husband than one who worked in the ghettos.”

“So that was the end?” Rachel asked when he paused.

Damian once again shook his head. “It was a difficult time, but we were working through it. Or so I thought. I finally realized she didn’t want me to be just a pastor, but she wanted me to have a prestigious ministry. The final straw came when she told me she wanted to wait three to four years before we started a family in order to let her get used to her new job.

“I realized it would never work.” Damian sighed. “How could it when we didn’t share common goals? My goals for my ministry and having a family weren’t as important to her as her career. And her career wasn’t as important to me as my ministry and my desire to have a family. After much prayer and soul-searching I realized God had plans for our lives that didn’t include each other, so I called it off.”

“Is she back to let you know she’s ready for that family and your ministry?” Rachel asked.

Silence stretched between them.

Damian finally nodded. “Yes, it’s one of the reasons she’s come back.”

“So why is it not something you’re interested in?” Rachel couldn’t keep the question from spilling out.

“God gave me peace about our break-up. I don’t feel led to get back together with her.” Damian faced her fully, his gaze direct. “Besides, I’m more interested in marrying and having a family with someone else now.”

And there it was.

Rachel’s heart cracked then shattered. His desire for a family had ended one relationship, and now it would end theirs, even before it went anywhere. Because Rachel couldn’t have children. And that would never change.

“I know we have a truce going on right now, Damian, but when the truce ends, I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve been telling you for months. There can never be anything between us. You need to understand that and move on. Maybe Annie’s the person to help you.”

Damian gaped at her. “You’re joking, right? You’re not seriously encouraging me to pursue a relationship with Annie, are you?”

Rachel shrugged. “If not Annie, someone else.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you. Over the months I’ve always assumed that in spite of your protests, we would find common ground in our relationship and have a future together. Obviously that was a smug assumption on my part.”

“I’ve tried to tell you, Damian. Week after week I’ve told you no. Maybe I should have been more forceful. I have to admit it’s been kind of fun, this back and forth thing with you, but I need you to understand now, that there can be nothing more.”

“Why?” Damian asked, clearly refusing to give up without a fight. “You’ve said this before, and I’ve let it slide. But now I want to know.”

“Now’s not the time, Damian.” Rachel turned to walk away, but he laid a hand on her arm, stilling her.

“I need an answer, Rachel. Whether you want to hear it or not, I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in this relationship.”

“It’s not a relationship,” Rachel protested.

“Maybe not in the conventional sense, but what we have goes beyond simple friendship. I haven’t been in a hurry these past few months because I was busy with the church, and you were busy with the bookstore. But now I think it’s time to look forward. Tell me why that’s not going to happen, Rachel. I need to understand.” Damian still held her arm, although a gentle tug on her part would have freed her.

But she didn’t tug free. Instead Rachel looked away from him, out towards the darkened parking lot. “I can’t give you the reasons, Damian. They’re too personal.”

“Nothing is too personal between us, Rachel. I want to know everything about you. I know I’ve never put this into words before, but I always believed that someday you’d be my wife.”

Rachel sucked in a quick breath as pain pierced her heart, then spread through her body.

Chapter Nine

“I love you, Rachel. I don’t know when it happened, or how, but the fact is, over the past six months I’ve fallen in love with you.” Damian tightened his grip on her arm slightly, just enough to let her know he still held her. “You were the first woman in the past two years who touched my heart. I wasn’t eager to get involved again after my relationship with Nikki ended. But then something happened, something that I never expected.”

Rachel swung around to face him. “Something?”

“Yeah, something. I’ve always known you were a nice person, but being with Nikki clouded my vision of just how nice. It wasn’t until I started praying that God would send another woman into my life that I realized just how wonderful you are.” Damian had never imagined he’d be telling her these things in the middle of a parking lot. “I love your sense of humor, the way you can drop a witty line in the middle of a conversation and get everyone laughing. And I love to hear you laugh, although you haven’t done it much lately.

“I love the way you set aside so much of yourself to help your mom. You’re the most generous woman I’ve ever met. I’m not ready to let you out of my life. Not without a really good reason. I want you by my side every day. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want them to have your eyes and my hair. I want to raise them together in a godly home. And I want them to grow up to be just like their mom.” Damian touched Rachel’s cheek and saw her eyes glistening with tears.

Rachel pulled herself free from his grasp. As she turned away, Damian could have sworn he heard a sob. “Rachel?”

She didn’t respond right away but stood with her back to him, head bent. Finally Rachel turned back around, a hand resting on her heart. The trails of her tears glistened silver in the dim light from the streetlights. “Damian, there are things you don’t know about me. Things I have shared with only one other person in the world, and she’s gone now. Please understand that I just can’t share them with you. I need you to just accept that I know what I’m saying when I tell you I can’t be the wife you need. Or mother for the children you want. It will never happen.”

Before Damian could reply, Rachel spun away and ran towards her car. He saw her stumble, but she quickly regained her balance. Once at her car she leaned against it. Damian took a couple of steps toward her then stopped. Through tears of his own he watched her slide behind the wheel of her car and leave the parking lot.

A shiver wracked his body. At first Damian thought it was because he had come outside without his jacket, but then he realized that the cold outside couldn’t compare to the cold taking over his heart. Fear gripped him. Was this truly the end?

The numbness that filled him only encompassed his heart, for as he climbed the steps to the doors of the church, Damian felt piercing pain in every other part of his body. He tugged open the door and stepped into the foyer. The warmth of the building wrapped around him like a blanket, taking the chill from his skin.

Damian hoped the warmth didn’t thaw the ice encasing his heart, because he knew the pain he’d feel then would be unbearable. He preferred the numbness to the pain. Later, in the privacy of his home, he’d deal with the pain. And he’d cry out to God and ask Him why.

“Why do you continually throw yourself at her?”

Damian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before turning around. Annie leaned against one of the glass windows that flanked the doors he’d just entered. He’d been so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed her, but clearly she’d watched his exchange with Rachel. Anger burned inside him.

“Why do you continually throw yourself at me?” he demanded. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve tried not to hurt you, but you’re just not getting the point. There is no future for us.”

“She doesn’t want you,” Annie pointed out.

Damian’s hands clenched into fists. “You don’t know anything about my relationship with Rachel. Don’t make assumptions about things when you don’t have a clue.”

Without waiting for her reply, Damian spun on his heel and stalked down the hallway to his office. Although he wanted to slam the door, a display of temper would be a display of weakness.  When the door clicked shut, he leaned his forehead against its smooth panels.  His shoulders heaved in the effort to restrain his emotion.  Turning, he plunked down into his office chair.

He stared at the picture that sat on the corner of his desk - a duplicate to the one he had at home. Picking it up, he caressed her face with his fingertip.  The laughter and joy she showed in the picture had been absent earlier.  His proclamation of love had been met with tears.  Not exactly what he’d hoped for.

Damian set the picture face down on his desk.  The tightness in his chest made it difficult to breath.  He’d never felt like this before, so devastated. So hollow. He didn’t know if he’d ever get over it.

Oh God, I don’t understand. For the past few months I’ve felt so strongly that You had plans for a future for Rachel and me. Together. But now that seems even further away than ever. Was I wrong? Please show me if I misunderstood something You laid on my heart.

Damian propped his elbows on the arms of the chair and linked his fingers. For a few moments he just stared at the wall. His thoughts and emotions were all jumbled together, going round a
nd round like clothes in a dryer.

He swallowed hard, the tight muscles of his throat making it difficult. Was this the end of the line for him and Rachel?

Damian bent his head, chin to his chest, his forehead resting on his hands. In the stillness of his office he prayed as he’d never prayed before. The numbness in his heart was beginning to fade away, and the pain replacing it took his breath away.

A knock sounded on the door. Damian wanted to ignore it, afraid it was Annie.

“Yes?” he called out in a voice that wavered.

“Damian, it’s me. Can I come in?” He recognized Serena’s voice through the closed door.

Damian sighed. He really needed to be by himself. After he talked to Serena he would go home where he could be alone with his misery.

“Come on in,” Damian said, rubbing his eyes.

The door opened, and Serena peeked around it. Damian immediately saw the concern in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” She stepped into the room and shut the door behind herself.

“I suppose you’ve been talking to Annie,” he said with a sigh.

Serena wrinkled her nose. “Unfortunately. She said you and Rachel had a fight?”

“It wasn’t really a fight. Just clearing the air on some issues.” Damian pushed away from the desk and stood. “And apparently ending a relationship we never really had.”

Not wanting to see the look of pity on Serena’s face, Damian turned and grabbed his jacket from the coat rack in the corner of his office.

“Damian, I’m really very sorry to hear that. Are you sure it’s over?” Serena asked slowly. “I mean, Rachel has always said no to you, but it’s never been final. I’ve always had the feeling that though she said no, for whatever reason, she would rather be saying yes.”

“I never assumed that her no actually meant yes
. I just thought it meant not now,” Damian said as he pulled his jacket on. “I just hoped that I could convince her to give us a chance. I’ve tried not to push too much, and I would have backed off in an instant if there hadn’t been something…there. I don’t know how to explain it. But tonight there was a definite difference in her response. Tonight her no meant no. Not now. Not ever.”

Damian walked around his desk and took Serena’s arm, guiding her out of the office. He hit the light switch and locked the door before closing it. “I’m going home. I need some time to think. Are you leaving now?”

Serena nodded. “I can lock up if you’d like.”

“Are you sure? In my current state of mind I’m not sure I’d even remember the code for the security system.”

She patted his arm. “I’ll take care of it. You go on home.”

“Thanks, Serena. See you tomorrow, I guess.”

Damian left the church and drove straight home. He wondered how long it would be before his mother called asking what had happened. Annie would likely waste no time in spreading the word. The relationship that never was, was over.

*****

After leaving the church, Rachel started to head for home. Not eager to return to her empty home, she turned off East River Road onto a street that would connect her to University Avenue and then headed north. She didn’t know why she felt drawn to the cemetery where her mother was buried. Rachel knew her mother was no longer there, but she had a need to visit her grave.

As the cemetery came into view Rachel flicked on her signal to turn left. Slowly she drove her car through the curved roads until she neared the place her mother’s burial plot.

The full moon chased away a lot of darkness, but the looming trees still cast dancing shadows on the ground. It could have been the setting for any number of scary stories told by children, but Rachel felt no fear as she walked across the grass, the heels of her boots sinking into the moist ground. There were still small patches of snow gleaming in the moonlight, mostly under trees where they were shaded from the heat of the sun and hadn’t yet melted. The up and down temperatures of the past week had meant that any snow they’d received had pretty much melted.

Rachel wished she’d brought flowers to place on the bare grave. Instead she stared at the flat headstone. Squatting down, she used her gloved hand to rub away the watermarks on the black marble.
Evelyn McIntyre, beloved mother.
And keeper of Rachel’s secrets.

Her mom had liked Damian. It was when her mom was in the hospital that she and Damian had really begun to interact even though they’d known each other since high school. They’d moved in very different circles at the time. But now as assistant pastor, he’d come by every other day or so to check on her mom and always asked if there was anything he could do for them. It had been hard not to be drawn to him, and then he’d started coming by her store to pick things up for Serena.
When he’d asked her out for the first time, she’d been shocked. But even by that point she’d known of his desire to have a family so saying no had been relatively easy. Unfortunately, it had only gotten harder from that point on.

“Should I tell him, Mom?” Rachel asked. “It’s just easier this way. It hurts now, but at least he doesn’t know. If I told him, he’d have to agree that I’m not the right woman for him, but then I’d have to live the rest of my life knowing he knew. I just can’t do it.”

Ignoring the cool night air, Rachel pulled off her glove and traced the letters of her mother’s name. “I wish you were here, Mom. I don’t have anyone I can share my heart with. If only Dad…” Rachel let her words trail away. This was a heartache she probably wouldn’t have shared with her father, even if he had still been a part of her life.

Warm tears slid down her cold cheeks. The joy Rachel had thought she’d found in the Christmas season was gone. Evaporated like mist beneath the sun’s warm rays. Pain and confusion had replaced the joy.

Rachel rubbed a hand against her chest, trying to ease the ache in her heart. It was finally over. Months of saying no when her heart screamed to say yes had finally come down to this. Damian had finally heard her no and realized that, this time, she was serious.

At least she wouldn’t be leading him on any longer. Her no was no, and it was over. The tears fell more rapidly, and Rachel’s breaths came out in gasping sobs.

“Oh Mom, I heard the words tonight I had always wanted to hear, but instead of feeling good, I hurt even worse. Why couldn’t I have been the woman Damian wanted? Why couldn’t I have been the mother to his children? Why was that opportunity taken away from me seventeen years ago? It’s so unfair.”

Rachel allowed her tears to continue to flow as she crouched beside the headstone, her head bent. “Please God, take this pain away. And help Damian find the woman who will fulfill the dreams he has for his future. I just wish it could have been me.”

When the tears and sobs subsided, Rachel stood wearily and, after staring at the headstone for a few more moments, turned and headed for her car. The visit to the cemetery hadn’t eased any of the pain, but putting her pain into words had helped a little.

It didn’t take long to get home; the late evening traffic was fairly light. Inside the house, Rachel went through the motions of preparing for work the next day. She tried to keep her mind focused on that, but it kept straying to Damian and their conversation. It wasn’t every day a girl heard a guy tell her he loved her. And even though it had been one of the most painful moments in her life, Rachel would treasure it always.

*****

Although Damian didn’t show up at the store over the next few days, Jace came almost daily. Rachel sensed the young man’s questions, but thankfully he never put them into words.

When the books for the church’s library arrived on Tuesday, Rachel put in a call to let Serena know. Even though she knew there was nothing between them, Rachel hoped that Damian would come by, that he’d be the one to pick up the books. Throughout Tuesday she kept glancing out the window, and each ding of the bell above the door sent her heart into hyper-speed.

By Wednesday afternoon, Rachel’s heart no longer skipped a beat at each ding of the bell, although she couldn’t keep from looking. Just in case. Mid-afternoon the bell dinged, and Rachel glanced at the door. Her heart sank when she saw Serena enter the store.