Read The Green Red Green Online
Authors: Red Green
The Green Red Green (7 page)
• When your boss criticizes you in front of your fellow workers, yell back that you know what he’s up to but you don’t find him even remotely attractive.
• When you know your teenage son is going to use your car, empty the gas tank and fill the back seat with fast food packages.
• Buy three sets of golf clubs and keep them together so they can all see that you don’t need to keep using ones that misbehave.
• While the cop is writing out your ticket, draw an unflattering sketch of him and hand it to him when he’s done.
L
ast week I met a guy who is very socially active. He’s involved with this and that and the other, and he doesn’t seem to get much out of any of them. That’s because he’s involved in so many
things, he doesn’t have time to be committed to any. There’s a big difference between being involved and being committed. It’s like bacon and eggs: the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.
You must make a commitment. Marriage is the most popular one, but there are others: spending two months’ salary on golf clubs, feeding a stray cat, getting your football team’s logo tattooed on your forehead, buying the first round, being the first one in the hot tub to remove his bathing suit (unless you’re alone or immediately become that way). So if you’re not getting enough out of life, don’t do more. Instead, do less but do it harder.
I
’m not a tall person. Just barely average height, actually. So I’ve always had tall guys around me—taking charge, attracting women, helping me find my car in a crowded parking lot, that kind of thing. I always feel somehow disadvantaged around tall guys, so I’d like to use this space for a little “get even” time.
I know the tall guys won’t listen, but maybe you normal people will. First of all, tall guys are here to mate with tall women and have tall children to ensure the future of the NBA. To be a short guy going out with a tall girl takes a special kind of man who is very well adjusted and doesn’t have a bald spot. Short guys want to go out with short girls. Short girls are hard to find, and short, attractive girls are a small percentage of that select group. So when a tall guy starts dating an attractive short girl, all the laws of nature are at risk. Tall guys should not be allowed to go out with short girls. They should have a sign on their tie saying, “You must be this tall to go on this ride.”
And don’t be fooled, ladies. Just because a guy is tall that doesn’t mean he’s smart. His brain has a lot of heavy work to do: moving
that huge body around without falling over, ducking under doorways, and avoiding lightning. A short guy’s brain can think about other things—like you. Short guys make better lovers. They’re more responsive, more attentive, more grateful. And they won’t get in your way, personally or professionally. With a short guy, you can have your ear to the ground and still maintain eye contact.
1) In a group photo taken recently, you have trouble picking out your wife.
2) You drive in the car for three hours without speaking, and that’s fine with her.
3) The cancellation of
Wheel of Fortune
would create a depressing void in both of your lives.
4) For your anniversary, you bought her the exact same ball cap you bought her last year. And she didn’t notice.
5) Your wife discusses your medical condition with her friends while you’re present and then wants you to show them the scar.
6) You can use your meals as a calendar: meat loaf is Monday, chicken is Tuesday, McDonald’s is payday …
7) A sit-down dinner at your house involves TV trays.
8) On a night when you’re working late, you call home to tell her and that makes her suspicious.
9) Neither of you goes to bed until you’re really, really tired.
10) Your wife bought matching shirts so you could be each other once in a while.
I
f you’re a married man and you’re hoping to stay that way, I think it’s a good idea to do everything you can to maintain your value in your wife’s eyes. You should treat yourself the way you would a car you plan to keep for a long time. Wash and wax as often as you can. Change the oil once a month. No quick starts or stops. And keep the mileage down.
That’ll take care of your physical appearance, but to get to the heart and mind of a woman, you need to have a little mystique working for you. Instead of actually having an affair, just pretend you are. Have women call you at home and then hang up when your wife answers. Throw a tube of passion pink lipstick into your glove compartment. Speak French in your sleep. Life is an auction, and nothing increases the value of an item more than the fear that someone else is bidding. And when your wife finds out that you’re actually not cheating on her, she’ll have a huge victory celebration and you’ll be the guest of honour. Rest up.
I
saw an article in a movie magazine about an aging actress, and it included some pictures of her in her personal life with her husband. He isn’t a show biz guy. He made his money in shoe stores or something. And that may be what created the problem. Because he’s not an entertainer, he doesn’t really care what he looks like. At the very least, it’s okay for him to look old. In contrast, she’s had more corrective surgery than Joe Namath’s knees. So when you see them together, you think, “Why would a young, good-looking woman like her be with an old dog like him? And how can her son possibly be older than she is?” I guess for
cosmetic surgery to work properly, everybody in your family has to agree to have it done. All it takes is one wrinkled younger sister and your cover is blown.
Y
ou don’t have to be a licensed mechanic to have a car that won’t start. Here are some simple steps that will save you money by preventing you from going to the mall.
• Is the key in the ignition?
• Is it the car key?
• Are you turning it the right way?
• Does the motor turn over?
• Do you know what “turn over” means? (You married guys do.)
• If the motor doesn’t turn over, check the battery. Wipe off the top of the battery and lay your tongue across both terminals. Check your watch. If you blacked out for more than an hour, the battery is fine.
• Remove a spark plug for a random test. Slide your ear-lobe into the spark plug gap and have a friend crank the starter. If it works, you should now have a pierced ear.
• When you’re satisfied that the ignition is okay, move on to the fuel check.
• Does the fuel gauge show there’s gas?
• Does the fuel gauge work?
• Is there a fuel gauge?
• Have you ever looked at the fuel gauge before?
• Did your teenager borrow the vehicle and promise, swear, and vow on his honour to gas it up?
• Remove the gas cap. Do you see gas?
• Do you smell gas?
• Do you taste gas?
• Are you standing in gas?
• If you enjoy travelling, hold a match up to the gas filler tube.
• Disconnect the outlet tube from the fuel pump. It’s probably a metric fitting, so you may as well snip her off with side cutters. Look down the end of the tube while a friend cranks the motor. If you detect a fair amount of excess gas in your eye, the fuel pump is fine. Reconnect the tube with duct tape.
• Find every adjusting screw on the carburetor and turn them all the way in one direction. Try the engine. Now turn them all the way in the other direction. Try the engine again. Now set them all roughly somewhere in the middle.
• The automatic choke mechanism can rarely be fixed, so whack it a few times with a hammer just for fun.
• Now that you’ve ruled out ignition or fuel problems, move on to alternative starting techniques.
For an older car that has never had a tune-up or an oil change or a tank of brand-name gas, a car battery may not have enough power. To rectify this problem, attach battery cables to both terminals. Run the cables into the house and plug them into the stove circuit. Set your rad to 425 degrees Fahrenheit, and your
engine should be done in about an hour. Baste lightly. Serves six anxious passengers.
Maybe the starting motor doesn’t turn the engine over fast enough. If so, take your car to the top of a big hill (better still, always remember to park at the top of a big hill), then turn on the ignition and roll it down. Pop the clutch often and with attitude. If the car won’t start, try rolling it backwards down the hill. If that doesn’t work, try rolling it sideways into a ravine.
Bring a crushed car home from the auto wrecker. Park it in front of your car and say, “This could be you.” If a car won’t start with threats, it’s finished. But you still deserve some satisfaction.
A Saturday afternoon with a ten-pound sledgehammer can really ease the frustration of a car that refuses to start. And when you’ve had your fill from every conceivable angle, hose the vehicle down with barbecue starter and give it a Viking funeral. A stunning milestone in the battle of man against machine.
Make sure it’s your car.
E
ver since the oil crisis in the mid-seventies, people have been concerned about gas mileage. Here are a few tips that you won’t get from the EPA, the NRA, or the CIA.
An average tank of gas costs $530. An average gas syphon costs $7.95. Do the math.
Hang out at self-serve stations with a gas can. While a guy is going up to pay, squeeze yourself a can out of his pump.
• Magnetize your front bumper. Pull onto the highway and tailgate. Shut your engine off. Don’t start your car until you come to your exit. You’ll save a fortune.
• Don’t go anywhere that isn’t downhill. This means you’ll have to come home by a different route. And it won’t be your home. But that may not be a bad thing.
• Turn the engine off every time you’re coasting or stopped. (Make sure you have a good battery.)
• Pretend you don’t have a good battery and ask people to push-start you. Just keep yelling, “Almost! Almost! A bit faster!” And let them push you all the way to the mall. If they complain, point out how good an aerobic workout they’ve just had without having to pay expensive membership fees to a health club.
• Carpool to work and be “sick” whenever it’s your turn.
• Take the energy-saver nozzle off your bathroom showerhead and splice it onto your gas line. This will restrict the amount of gas that flows to the engine. (Don’t try to pass on a hill.)
• If you have an enormous, gas-guzzling North American car, put it in Neutral and tow it behind a hybrid.
• An engine uses very little gas when idling. Disconnect the gas pedal and idle everywhere. It’s a great way to avoid high-speed accidents and to get attention from other drivers.
• When driving into the wind, remove things that cause drag, like hood ornaments and side-view mirrors. When driving with the wind at your back, open your doors and trunk so they’ll act like sails.
• Experiment with alternative fuels such as methane, propane, rubbing alcohol, shoe polish, and road tar.
• If you have teenage drivers, you can limit the amount of gas they use by not putting any in.
• You can reduce your own gas consumption by having your licence suspended.
• Remove anything you don’t really use. Start with the things you use the least: turn signals, curb feelers, spare tire, jack, passenger seat, mirrors, lights, gauges, hood, trunk lid, fuzzy dice, passengers, little ceramic doggie with the bobbing head.
• Clean your car. I removed over two hundred pounds of old candy wrappers, ripped maps, coffee cups, etc., from under the driver’s seat of the Possum van. I would have got more out, but I use the bottom layers as my floor.
• Inflate the tires with hydrogen. (Not recommended for fire trucks.)
• Do not maintain the finish on your car. Rust is lighter than metal.
• Oil the body. If oil reduces the friction inside the engine, why not reduce the friction on the outside? Aerodynamics is an important component of speed. That’s why fat people can’t run.
• The most efficient body style is small in the front and big in the back, which pretty much describes most of the lodge members and their wives. To get the front
end low, try wedging your car under a tractor-trailer at forty miles an hour. To get the back end high, wedge the trunk lid open with a manure shovel. (Leave some manure on it to prevent tailgating.)
• Remove anything on your car that blocks the flow of air: door handles, party streamers, animal carcasses.
• Make your car smooth. Lather it up with car wash soap and then shave it. Remove excess lather with a hot towel and then slap on a polymer-based skin bracer. Once a week should do it, but Italian cars may have to shave more often.
Y
ou never know what the highway of life will throw at you. Whether you’ve run out of gas or been run out of town, at some point you’re going to have to hitchhike. Here are a few pointers:
Try to look good. Comb your hair, hide the rips in your clothing with your hands, and tuck your beard inside your lips. If you haven’t bathed in recent memory, rub yourself down with mint leaves found growing along the side of the road. But don’t confuse the mint plant with poison ivy. Nobody will stop for a hitchhiker who is wildly scratching himself. That’s the voice of experience.
Try to look friendly. Give oncoming cars a big smile. Show your teeth if they’re handy. If you feel like waving, remember to unclench your fist first. And use at least two fingers. If you’re a guy, don’t try to attract cars by showing cleavage. (If you do, any cars that stop are not ones you should be getting into.) When a driver passes you by, don’t start swearing at him and flipping him the bird, unless you’re sure the next driver can’t see you. The image you want to project is that of a friendly, interesting,
unarmed passenger looking for a driver who likes people, light contemporary rock, and long drives in the country.