Read The Green Red Green Online
Authors: Red Green
The Green Red Green (4 page)
It’s not a bad move, actually. Maybe you should try that in your own life. When your wife criticizes you, you just say, “You have performed an illegal operation! This conversation will be shut down!” And then go out. But first, make sure you have a house key in your pocket.
T
hinking of buying a new home? Or an old home? Or a cottage? Here are some things to watch out for when buying something that is going to put you in hock for the rest of your days.
• The owners are still in the country and alive.
• No large animal droppings are in the attic.
• There’s glass in all the windows.
• It was not built on an ancient tribal burial ground, disturbing many graves.
• You’re allowed to inspect all the rooms.
• Nothing breaks off when you touch it.
• It’s more than fifty feet from all major airports, railways, dumpsites, and active volcanoes.
• The word “Redrum!” is carved in the walls.
• Their grandfather is included in the price.
• The real estate agent warns you not to walk in the middle of the floors, where it’s soft.
• The sellers are “very motivated” to sell because they fear for their children’s safety.
• There are high-water marks on the basement walls.
• The kitchen appliances are turquoise.
• There are bullet holes in the bathroom.
• The real estate agent says you can’t flush the toilet until after you’ve bought the place.
• The house has been treated for termites nine times in the past two years.
I
want to talk to you guys who are celebrating your fiftieth birthday, or are just recovering from the hangover. You’ll know what I’m talking about when they bring you your birthday cake and tell you that each candle represents a decade.
When we reach mid-life, most of us review our accomplishments and take stock of our careers, our family situation, and
our position in the community, and often we conclude that life stinks and we really blew it. But I say we should look on the bright side: everybody’s life stinks. Nobody gets what they want. Millionaires wish they were billionaires. Married guys wish they were playboys, and playboys wish they could find someone worth marrying. Maybe you regret not marrying your first sweetheart. Well, don’t forget that you’re not sweet sixteen anymore, and neither is she. If you passed each other on the street today, you’d both think, “Boy, some people really let themselves go.”
So if you’re feeling your life is over and you blew it, remember—it’s only half over, and you only half blew it. And then get out there and finish the job.
N
o one in your family has the nerve to tell you, so I will. I’ve seen you driving around town, turning without signalling or driving too slowly, turning right from the left-turn lane, parking your car half on the sidewalk. The fact is, you’re starting to drive like your dad. Nothing is scarier than a little man in a big car, peeking over the dashboard with a sour look on his face.
Now, some say losing your driving skills is just nature’s way of thinning the herd, but I say give it up. And I say that knowing you won’t. Because every man I’m referring to figures I’m referring to someone else.
At your age, you really only drive to your job, your lodge, your grocery store, the gas station, and maybe your church. Plot out each route carefully and memorize all the proper procedures to get there using turn signals and brakes. Try to stay up near the speed limit. It’s printed on big signs at the side of the road. Once you have that circuit down, you won’t be such a menace anymore.
Treasure Hunt
When you’re at someone’s house and she’s busy in the kitchen with some type of fire, pry off one of the furnace vents and drop in a really old egg. Replace the vent and wait for the fun to start. The game is over when somebody finds the egg or the guests pass out or the hostess insists it’s time for Grandpa to see a specialist.
For this game, everyone sits in a circle or an ellipse, depending on the room’s shape. One contestant leaves the room, and while he’s gone, one of the people in the circle consumes seven or eight martinis in as many minutes. The contestant returns to the room and tries to guess who had the drinks. He is allowed to check your breath for traces of olives, ask you to perform a motor skill, or demand that you sing one of the up-tempo numbers from
Mary Poppins
. Although the first round is pretty obvious, the game gets more difficult as the evening progresses. The game is over when you run out of martinis or the paramedics arrive.
**
Exactly like a jigsaw puzzle. Well, not
exactly
. Instead of a jigsaw, you use a chainsaw to make the puzzle. And instead of a picture of some Mediterranean village, you saw up an old chair, a broken
freezer, or a used car. And you don’t bother putting it back together again—that’s boring. But like a jigsaw puzzle, a chainsaw puzzle is frequently missing one piece at the end … although it’s usually a piece of someone who stood too close.
Get out one of the popular trivia games and divide the players into teams. Play the game as per the instructions, with the teams taking turns asking each other questions. The game is played exactly as explained by the manufacturer with one important difference—ALL ANSWERS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS CORRECT.
Team 1:
Who was the twenty-third president of the United States?
Team 2 :
Colonel Sanders.
Team 1:
Correct.
Team 2 :
What is the name of the fifth planet from the sun?
Team 1:
Stan.
Team 2 :
Right on!
Each team is also obliged to compliment the answer.
Team 1:
What is the main ingredient in Hollandaise sauce?
Team 2 :
Holland.
Team 1:
Yes! Good work! Excellent! Wow, you sure know stuff. Do you have a B.A. in general arts?
The winner is the team whose members end up feeling the best about themselves.
Other games I have enjoyed but don’t have the space to describe include the following:
• Spin the Assault Weapon
• Turkey in the Trousers
• Whose Shoes?
• Simon and Garfunkel Say
• Follow the Leaper
• Thud That Dud Spud, Bud
• Blindman’s Buff
• I Spy with My Little Nose
• Hide and Leave
• Hops ‘n’ Scotch
• Pin the Tail on Someone Tying His Shoes
• Bust a Belly Button
• Kick My Can
H
ow often has this happened to you? You encounter a friend or acquaintance who inquires about your family and struggle to find a polite way of explaining that your spouse has run off with a stump puller. Here we show you the wrong way and the right way to smooth over these socially awkward moments. And all without telling a single little white lie!
Incorrect
Friend:
“How’s that son of yours doing?”
You:
“He’s in prison for armed robbery.”
Friend:
“How’s that son of yours doing?”
You:
“He’s with the government. Full time. Department of correctional services. Got his own office. And they’ve guaranteed him at least seven years.”
Incorrect
Friend:
“How’s your wonderful wife?”
You:
“She ran off with my best friend.”
Friend:
“How’s your wonderful wife?”
You:
“Great. In all the time I’ve known her, she hasn’t been happier. She’s just full of fun and finally enjoying life.”
Incorrect
Friend:
“So how are things at work?”
You:
“I was fired so they could make a profit.”
Friend:
“So how are things at work?”
You:
“Great. The place is finally making a profit. And I was the one who made the difference.”
Incorrect
Friend:
“You look different. Did you get a haircut?”
You:
“No, I put on twenty pounds, went on a nine-week bender, fell down drunk, and broke my nose.”
Friend:
“You look different. Did you get a haircut?”
You:
“Yep.”
Incorrect
Friend:
“How’s your father-in-law?”
You:
“Nasty, stupid, rude, ignorant, bossy, unclean, overbearing, insensitive, and unpleasant.”
Friend:
“How’s your father-in-law?”
You:
“Same as always.”
Incorrect
Friend:
“So what’s new with your grandfather?”
You:
“He’s stone dead.”
Friend:
“So what’s new with your grandfather?”
You:
“Oh, you know … he can’t complain. He’s out of that old folks’ home he hated so much. And the kids seem to like him a lot more lately.”
O
ver the years I’ve met a number of good-looking people and a whole lot of ugly ones, and I think the ugly people have more fun. The beautiful ones get people staring at them all the time, and giving them important jobs with responsibility, and trying to have sex with them at various sporting events and hardware conventions. When you’re ugly, nobody bothers you like that. And when you’re good-looking, everybody expects you to be stupid. Whereas when you’re ugly, people assume you’re smart, and as long as you don’t ever say or do anything, they’ll keep that opinion. That’s why most politicians are ugly.
The only downside to being unattractive is the “pity factor.” I don’t want anybody feeling sorry for me because I’m not handsome. I look at it this way: no matter how good you look now, you’re going to be ugly someday. Look at anybody over a hundred. That’s how we’re all going to look eventually. We’re all going to be ugly sometime in the future. Those of us who are ugly now are just mature beyond our years.
T
he secret to a strong marriage is to share each other’s interests. Or better still, to have her share your interests. Now, statistics show that a large percentage of women don’t enjoy fishing. (And statistically women live longer than men, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.)
So here are ten sure-fire “lines” that will “lure” your spouse to get “hooked” on fishing. Good luck, “chum.”
1) “Did you know that fish oil can remove wrinkles from a person’s skin? Scaling as few as five bass can make you look years younger.”
2) “There’s something really romantic about the sun rising on a lake in the middle of nowhere when it’s freezing cold.”
3) “Trolling for bass is all the rage in New York.”
4) “Why is it that hip waders make a person look fifteen pounds thinner?”
5) “If there are any minnows left over, you can dip them in lacquer and make beautiful earrings out of them.”
6) “When I’m fishing, I don’t talk.”
7) “The kids won’t be coming along.”
8) “Fishing could save us a bundle of money. I mean, it’s free food! All we pay for is the gas, the bait, the beer, the parking, the boat-launching fees, the lures, the rods, and the sunburn cream.”
9) “Don’t worry about bugs—the bats eat them.”
10) “The great thing is you can go to the bathroom right over the side of the boat.”
Step One
Go on Tuesday. Avoid the crowds.
You’ll need a good excuse to get off work or to escape from your loved ones or any other unpleasant responsibilities. A good way to do that is to put your own obituary in the paper. This will stop people from looking for you—but it only works once.
Borrow a tent, bedroll, camp stove, hamper, cooler, and portable TV from a friend you can afford to lose. Heave it all into your vehicle. Back out of your driveway and immediately pull into the passing lane. Press your right foot on the accelerator and your left hand on the horn, and maintain that position until you run out of gas or hit something, which will signify that it’s time to start camping.
If there are other campers already there, go to the biggest, most tattooed guy and have him throw a beer bottle as far as he can. Make sure you camp beyond that. If you don’t feel like pitching your own tent, pretend you’re having trouble with it and for sure a liberated woman will stop and do it for you. Exchanging physical work for minor humiliation is an acceptable trade-off.
Instead of building a campfire, find a tall, dry tree and ignite it. Not only is this an excellent source of heat and light, but it also will keep away the bugs and people who wear a lot of hairspray, like television evangelists or professional bowlers. For fun, toast up some marshmallows till they’re hot and gooey and then drop them on the faces of your sleeping friends. When it’s time to put the fire out, beer makes an excellent extinguisher, as long as you drink it first.
Unroll your sleeping bag on a soft, dry surface, such as someone else’s sleeping bag. When the owner comes looking, say his bag was swiped by the tattooed guy who threw the bottle. Once you’re snug in your sleeping bag, make the loudest and most offensive body noises you can. This will send a clear message to the other campers and the animal kingdom that nobody should mess with you, because you’re too busy messing with yourself.