The Green Red Green (18 page)

I
was talking to some friends whose son just did something really stupid. To me that just proves he’s not adopted, but they’re upset about it.

Now, I know children can get into serious problems as they’re growing up, but I think the mistakes and harmless goofy things are just as important. Those foolish mistakes are a great learning experience for them, and it’s also a comfort for a parent to know he’s not the only goofball in the family. Yes, you want your kids to be successful, but you don’t want them to be too successful. It’s embarrassing to have a brilliant daughter or a son who’s a millionaire. It makes you look like a loser because you couldn’t do what she or he did. Or worse yet, it implies that your wife’s genes are the ones responsible for your kid’s success.

M
y nephew was complaining to me the other day about his part-time job at a fast food place, where he works indoors for $5.80 an hour and all the saturated fat he can stuff into his fanny pack. I was telling him that when I was a kid, I worked as a milkman’s helper out in the freezing cold for a two-dollar bill a day.

He had no idea what I was talking about. He’d never heard of a milkman or seen a two-dollar bill. I’m not even sure he knows what freezing cold is. And I didn’t try to educate him because I’ve been married long enough to know that most things can’t be explained. The person either gets it or he doesn’t. And it’s not his fault. My nephew has just as much trouble trying to tell me what he’s learning in school, or why he likes that music, or how much more hardware he’s planning to attach to his facial features.

The message is that we should all hang out with our own peer groups. The people of our generation are a lot more likely to understand what we’re talking about and forgive us for what we’ve done. I recommend that you marry someone around your same age, work for a boss from your own era, and always give your side of the story to the cop with the grey hair.

I
’ve been married over thirty years, and when people ask me how you can make a relationship last that long, I tell them you have to marry the right person. I compare it to food. Sure, you may like spicy food once in a while, but over the long haul, you’re better off with meat and potatoes—something that will sustain you over the years without destroying your body. You need to pick a meat-and-potatoes type of partner. And don’t think you can sneak out on occasion for a spicy snack. Your wife can always tell.

T
hey say that as you get older and the kids move out, you’re supposed to downsize your house. I don’t want to do that. As I age I want more space, not less. My coordination will be down a notch or two and I’ll probably have a few more pounds on me, so I need generous doorways with lots of clearance. And I won’t be getting out as much as I do now, so the house will be my whole world. I don’t want to live in a world whose four corners I can see from anywhere in the living room.

And when you’re living in one open room, you have to put your projects away all the time—not to mention explaining the paint stains and burn marks to people who don’t understand the handyman mindset. Give me a big house with lots of rooms for my twilight years. Those tiny retirement homes aren’t for me. I may think small, but I live big.

J
ust because you don’t have access to a radio, a television, or an Environment Canada satellite downlink, that doesn’t mean you have to be at the mercy of the weather. The observant outdoorsperson knows that nature signals approaching trouble, giving those who are weather-wise plenty of time to seek shelter where there’s a big chair, beverages, chips, and a cable sports
channel. All you have to do is keep an eye out for the following:

Distant: Cicadas stop chirping. Sparrows grow quiet. Thin, wispy clouds that look like shredded tube socks appear. Wolves circle, grow agitated. Ants march in straight lines carrying umbrellas.

Imminent: Wolves seek shelter under your bed. The guy you’re fishing with looks over your shoulder and says, “Uh-oh.” A loud crack! A flash of light! And you wake up in a hospital.

Ants form into circles. Beavers play poker. Birds grow visibly agitated and are given to unnecessary shoving. Cicadas become verbally abusive.

Dogs grow nervous and edgy. Squirrels swallow their nuts in fear. Moss seems damp when you stuff it in your pants. Ants start watching NASCAR on television.

Sparrows stop singing. Ants form into rowing teams. Skunks start wearing life jackets.

Sparrows stop singing and start rapping. Beavers nervously twiddle their lips. Chickens lay black eggs.

Distant: Ants do the hokey-pokey. Cicadas burrow into large hairdos. Dogs grow visibly agitated; cats grow visibly relaxed. Sheep and goats seek shelter in your basement.

Imminent: Low black clouds, high white clouds, and a flying shrub all appear. Cows and horses dig bomb shelters.

Birds fly in circles. Foxes put on suntan lotion. Fish swim upside down. Trees point upward to the sky.

I
was talking to an acquaintance on the phone the other day, and I heard that telltale breakup in his voice that indicated he was getting another call coming in. He ignored it. And then I remembered all the other times people I was talking to got another call and said, “Hang on a minute—I’m getting another call,” and left me to go and answer it.

So now I’ve decided that another person’s response to his call waiting is a pretty good indication of your relationship. If he refuses to take the other call no matter what, you’re solid. If he waits until the other call interrupts several times or tells you he’s expecting an important call and then excuses himself, that’s still okay. But if he jumps at the first chance to bail out of talking to you, that can only mean you have no … Hang on a minute—I’m getting another call.

I
t’s always good to know where you stand with people, but many of us have difficulty communicating with clarity. So here are a few signs that will tell you when someone really doesn’t like you:

T
here’s really never a good time to yawn, but we middle-aged married men are frequently faced with really, really bad times to yawn. These almost always involve a spouse who’s upset about something we’ve said or done. We know she’s right and we have true remorse, but still, yawns happen. Especially after, say, 8 p.m. Nothing good will happen if you yawn while you’re undergoing behaviour modification. You need to learn how to hide a yawn.

I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and practise clenching your teeth really hard without showing any movement of your facial muscles. This may require weight gain, but you should do whatever you have to. Try turning a yawn into a cough. Sometimes that works. Just make sure your mouth is relatively empty. As a last resort, go
with the “lookaway,” where you turn your head at least 97 degrees and run to the window. When your wife asks what’s wrong, hold up your hand to buy enough time to complete the yawn and then say you thought you saw a robin or an alien spacecraft or something.

Of course, the best policy is to make your faux pas early enough in the day that the whole discussion takes place well before the Yawning Hour.

Do this activity in the winter. No kidding.

Learn how to hot-wire a snowmobile.

Hot-wire a snowmobile and send the least popular guy out on the lake. Chances are, he will sink through the ice and drop like a stone to the bottom. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FISH IN THE RESULTANT HOLE. That’s important. Instead, go to a different lake before the cops arrive and you waste the whole day explaining what happened.

Hot-wire a nicer snowmobile and go out onto a safer lake. Hold up a three-foot length of four-inch pipe and stick the bottom end into
the ice. Fill the pipe with gasoline and light it. In no time at all, you will have a four-inch hole in the ice. If you park your snowmobile too close to the burning pipe, you will end up with an even bigger hole and an interesting story to tell all the nurses at the burn unit.

Bait your hook and drop it into the hole. Try not to think about your feet until they are completely numb. If you have a chainsaw, you can cut a trough in the ice and troll. Otherwise, you’re pretty well limited to jerking the line up and down and letting your mind wander. Do not fight the boredom. It is an intrinsic component of the sport.

If you catch anything other than pneumonia, you may need help reeling it in. Especially if it’s thicker than four inches. Many of today’s sophisticated fishing reels are not meant to be operated with frozen fingers, so thaw your fingers by putting them in your mouth, unless you really don’t like the taste of bait. Once you’ve landed the fish, stick them face down in the snow until frozen. This will eliminate the need for a stringer, because you can mount the fish on Popsicle sticks and throw them into your cooler.

Once you’re back to the cabin, cover the fish in a light coating of bread crumbs and butter and then fry them up in a quart and a half of Scotch. Take them out of the pan and feed them to the cat while you drink the broth. This will remove all memory of the outing and allow you to go ice fishing on another occasion.

A
s we get a little older and lose the blush of youth—and the slimness of youth and the smoothness of youth and the hair of youth and the youngness of youth—we need to recalibrate our instruments before evaluating our level of attractiveness. For most of us over fifty and beyond, it’s not fair to be judged on whether we look good. How can we possibly look good? We didn’t look good in our prime, and we haven’t appreciated over time. Instead, we now need to be judged on how much effort we put into our appearance. Did we shower? Put on fresh clothes? Shave? Get a haircut? Do we smell nice? Women love that.

There’s something inspirational about a person who keeps fighting against insurmountable odds. You’ve seen the photos, you’ve looked in the mirror, and yet you keep trying. Your partner will recognize these initiatives as attempts to please and will reward you—maybe not with style points, but certainly with effort points. And at our age, that and Miss Congeniality may be all there is.

A
cceptance is a key component of a happy life. Chances are, your physiology has evolved considerably throughout your adult life. Your senses are probably somewhat less sharp; your patience and perseverance have diminished. And your annual weight increase has outperformed the stock market. All these factors affect your wardrobe:

T
hese days, a lot of guys are being offered an early retirement package. And most of them are taking it—mainly because their feelings are hurt by a company that, after twenty-five years of service, says, “You’re so useless we’re offering you a bonus to quit.”

I know this can be a difficult time, but before you take an early retirement of any kind, there are a few people you should check with. First, your wife. Is she going to let you mope around in your pajamas watching
Judge Judy
, or is she expecting the laundry done and dinner on the table when she gets home from work? And how do your kids feel about Dad lying on the couch while they’re at school? What happens on Career Day, when you come in with a crossword puzzle? How about the city parks department? Do they think their pristine image will be enhanced by your presence on a bench somewhere?