Loving You Always (6 page)

Lost, so lost. Please don’t go.

And then he was begging, begging a God he barely knew.

Don’t take her. Please, spare her.

It was not a song or a prayer or a tradition, but his original, personal pain that left him, even sitting erect, prostrate. Desperate.

He stood, mopping his wet cheeks without self-consciousness. He turned to leave, startled to see a dark-skinned woman leaning against the wall by the chapel entrance, her arms laid neatly behind her, hands pressed to the wall. He recognized her immediately from Cam’s Facebook pictures and posts. It had been Kerris’s birthday, and her happy face had been pressed against this woman’s. This was Mama Jess, the foster mother Kerris had told him so much about. Irrationally, Walsh wanted to hurl himself at her, throw his arms around her neck, and weep; he wanted to ask her to make it better. He cleared his throat, burning and raw from his sobs.

“Hi. Um…sorry about that.”

She didn’t respond, only continued watching, her eyes conducting a thorough, silent inquisition.

“I saw your interview,” she said, making Walsh blink his still-wet eyes a few times.

“Excuse me?”

“You were on TV last night. You’re Walsh Bennett, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He moved toward her, feeling like a toddler taking its first few wobbling steps, legs weak and new. “I’m…um a friend of Cam’s.”

“He could use one right about now. Their baby didn’t make it.”

“I heard.” He gulped back the liquid pain flooding his throat, refusing to show any more weakness than he already had.

“It was a girl.”

It was Walsh’s turn to remain silent, looking back at her, waiting and wanting more from this woman whom Kerris had rediscovered just in time.

“She’s out of surgery.” Mama Jess turned to walk away without another word. He had taken the first step after her, ready to demand more when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Meredith, what’s up?”

“She’s out.”

Walsh took a deep breath, experiencing a measure of peace he hadn’t realized he’d gained in the last ten minutes. He had lived his life getting his way, and forcing it when necessary. For once, he found the strength to hang back and follow the dictates of someone else.

“What do you want me to do?”

“What…um.” Meredith faltered. He figured she was unprepared for his docility. “I, well, I was going to suggest you wait until Cam goes home, and then I would get you in for a few minutes. Everything’s so complicated. I just don’t think him seeing you right now would help anything.”

“I can do that. When do you think he’ll leave?”

“Everyone’s trying to convince him to go home to get a little rest. He’s pretty messed up about the baby. Jo’s the only one he’s really tolerating. I think she’s gonna drive him home after he sees Kerris.”

“When will that be?”

“She hasn’t been out long. It’ll be another hour or so before he can see her. She’s still not breathing on her own.”

Walsh clenched his teeth until his jaw hurt. Kerris couldn’t manage something as essential as breathing on her own. He wanted to crawl into her chest and fill it with his own breath. He’d give her his last breath if he could.

“Have you slept? Eaten?” Meredith’s concern reached him even over the phone. “Where are you?”

“At the chapel. I have a few things I need to do.” Walsh ran a tired hand over the strained muscles in the back of his neck. “I left several loose ends in New York. I’m not going back until she’s out of the woods. So, not sure how long you’re gonna try to keep my presence here a secret from Cam, but it could get difficult.”

“I figured as much.” She gave the sigh of an old, weary woman. Mediating between him and Cam wouldn’t be easy. “But you haven’t seen him. When he found out the baby didn’t make it, he just collapsed. He’s just…I’ve never seen him like this.”

Walsh’s heart didn’t even contract. It was Cam’s recklessness that had put Kerris here, unable to even breathe on her own. If Walsh opened the door to sympathy, all the other emotions would come storming in, and he couldn’t promise that he’d be able to control the violent impulses those would expose. The rage, frustration, and bitterness. A lifetime of it never vented was barely held in check against the man who had been like a brother, but who right now felt like his mortal enemy.

W
alsh cast a furtive glance around the waiting room, searching for Meredith. He spotted her by the elevators. She was expecting him to climb off one of them at any moment, but he had taken the stairs.

“Meredith.”

She jumped a little and turned toward him, her face tired and tight.

“Come this way.” She ran a hand over her choppy, bright hair. “We don’t have long. Everyone’s gone home, but they’ll be back. I told them I’d stay and let them know if there was any change.”

“How long?” He followed closely behind her hurried pace.

“Maybe fifteen minutes.” She glanced over her shoulder, her eyes making a silent apology. “No one can see her longer than that anyway. Only family’s supposed to be allowed in, and only one at a time, but she doesn’t really have family per se, other than Cam.”

Walsh couldn’t help but resent that, technically, Cam had a right to watch over her and he didn’t. Walsh had forfeited that when he stepped aside. Meredith stopped at Kerris’s hospital room, leaning back against the closed door, looking up at him from more than a foot below.

“Walsh, she’s not breathing on her own.”

“I know.”

“She has several broken bones.”

“Yeah, you told me.”

“And there’s lots of bruising and scratches and cuts.”

Walsh measured his words in careful doses, despite the rabid dog inside him straining against the leash, desperate to get on the other side of that door.

“Meredith, I appreciate you calling me. But if you don’t get out of my way, I will physically pick you up and move you.”

“I’m just trying to prepare you.” Tears slid down her feline cheekbones. “It’s not pretty.”

“Pretty?” His voice was low and hoarse from tears and fatigue. Irritation and impatience jerked his brows into a scowl. “Is that why you think I love her? Because she’s pretty?”

“It’s not that. She’s just—”

“It’s Kerris.” Enough said. “How will this work? Will you stand guard or something?”

She nodded and stepped aside. Walsh walked in, careful not to look in the direction of the bed until the door was firmly closed behind him. His knees shook and he put a steadying hand out to the wall at his first sight of her. The first time he had seen her, he had marveled at how petite she was. He couldn’t help but wish now that she were bigger, stronger, less fragile. In the big hospital bed, she seemed like a broken flower, lost among a weeded network of tubes, wires, and beeping machinery.

He crossed to the chair beside her bed, sitting back, afraid to touch her. He lowered his forehead to the bed rail, needing its coolness against his fevered skin. Slowly he extended his hand to touch her little fingers, his hand literally twice the size of hers. The arm and leg on the other side were already plastered. Abrasions and cuts marred her beautiful honeyed skin with bruises, bluish and black. Her mouth was held slightly open by the tube snaking inside. Her hair haloed around her on the white pillow, the fire winding through the dark silk subdued in the dim light of the room.

“Hey, baby.”

The gruff whisper of his own voice grated on his nerves. He swallowed back the tears he had promised himself he wouldn’t indulge.

“I…I know we haven’t seen each other in a long time.” He squeezed her hand. “I don’t want to make things complicated, but nothing could have kept me away. I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, I hope it’s a good thing that I’m here. I can’t stay long, but…”

If she couldn’t hear him, didn’t know he was here, what was the point? Except his own selfish need to be near her, even though he had no right and no one wanted him here; no one thought he should be here.

“I love you, Kerris.”

It was unnecessary. There was no way she didn’t know that, but he realized he’d told her only once, and then it had almost been an accusation. They’d argued in her kitchen and he’d been furious with her for assuming he was marrying Sofie, for ruining their chance together. He squeezed her hand again, shocked to feel the pressure almost imperceptibly returned.

She’d squeezed his hand!

Meredith thrust her head into the room, her words an uneasy hiss.

“Walsh, it’s time to go. Cam’s coming.”

“Meredith, she just squeezed my hand! That’s good, right?”

“Sure, Walsh. It’s good. Did you hear me? Cam’s coming.”

“Okay, hold on.”

He turned back to Kerris. He stood and stepped as close as the labyrinth of wires would allow, leaning in until his lips brushed her ear. He spoke low enough for only her to hear.

“Kerris, I know you hear me. Come back to me. You can spend the rest of your life with him. I won’t ever pressure you again. Just come back. I can’t breathe without you here. I need you. I love you. God, so much.”

The rebellious tears finally twisted down his face. He couldn’t let the words go. They clung to his tongue, and they kept tumbling out of him over and over like a needle stuck on a record.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

He wept into her neck, burrowing into her, fortified by the strong, steady pulse beating beneath her skin.

“Walsh!” Meredith’s voice snapped a warning, like twigs underfoot. “You have to leave
now
.”

He straightened and turned, an apology dying on his lips. He looked over Meredith’s shoulder into the bleak hatred on Cam’s face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Cam’s eyes cut to the bed, where Kerris lay still.

“What is
she
doing here?” Walsh refused to back down. “Why was she out chasing you in the middle of the night?”

“Wow.” Cam struck just the right note of false casualness, leaning back against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re really well informed for someone who’s supposed to be in New York minding his own damn business.”

“You know I care about Kerris.” Walsh balled his fists in his pockets, holding on to his temper.

“Is that code for I’m in love with your
wife
?” Cam didn’t bother turning his head when Meredith gasped.

“She’s my friend. How could you not even tell me?”

“Tell you? Tell you! You were supposed to stay out of our lives forever. Did you forget that part? That’s still what I want.”

“Do you think I give a damn what you want? She was out chasing your sorry drunk ass when this happened. All bets are off.”

“You
will
leave.” Cam took a menacing step farther into the room.

“And you
will
have to make me.” Before Walsh knew it, he had taken a step in Cam’s direction.

“Think I can’t?”

“You’d have to kill me, Cam, and I don’t think even you’d go there.”

“You sure about that?” Cam’s eyes backed up the dark threat in his voice.

“Okay, stop it,” Meredith cut in. “Both of you.”

Cam shifted his glare to Meredith.

“And you. You told him, didn’t you? No one else knew she came after me. You were the only one I told.”

“I thought he should know she was in the hospital.”

“Why doesn’t anyone remember that she’s
my
wife? Mine!”

“You sound like a spoiled child.” Walsh’s patience was see-through thin by now. “Mine, mine, mine. She’s fighting for her life. Can’t we put this aside until she’s out of the woods?”

“No, we can’t put this aside. You wanna fuck my wife.”

“Watch your mouth, boy!” Mama Jess snapped from the door, drawing everyone’s attention.

Cam turned sheepish eyes to Mama Jess, before glaring back in Walsh’s direction.

“Mama Jess, I’m sorry, but you don’t understand. This is—”

“I know who it is. You ain’t gotta tell me. Both of you need to be quiet.”

“With all due respect—” Cam began.

“What you know about respect?” Mama Jess’s hands rested on her round hips. “I heard you. She was chasing you? That’s why she’s here right now?”

“Look, what happens between a man and his wife is private. We had an argument.”

“That landed Lil’ Bit here.” Mama Jess’s words were fiery pokers, and though not directed at him, Walsh felt the stinging heat.

“I’m her husband, and if I say you all have to leave, then you all have to leave.”

“I’ve already told you I’m not going anywhere.” Walsh pulled every muscle of his face into the mulish lines that had gotten him what he wanted most of his life.

“Both of y’all just be quiet,” Mama Jess said. “I mean literally be quiet. Do you hear that?”

The only sound was the steady press of the machine giving breath to Kerris.

“Do you
hear
that?” Mama Jess repeated. “That’s a machine breathing for her, and you’re having a pissin’ contest. I wonder if either of you cares for her at all if you can’t get past this long enough to put her first.”

A stern-looking nurse chose that moment to come in, raising her eyebrows for a second before pulling them back into a frown.

“I’m sorry. There can be only one person here at a time. And it’s only a few minutes at a time.”

“I’ll go.” Walsh headed toward the door, but paused beside Meredith. “Keep me posted?”

Walking through the door, he couldn’t resist bending down to kiss Mama Jess on the cheek, despite the frown she still wore. He could have sworn there was a softening in her granite-hard expression.

“Thank you for loving her. And for coming back into her life,” he said. “She always loved you like a mother.”

“How do you know that?” Mama Jess whispered back, her eyes filling with tears.

“She told me.”

“Hello.” Walsh’s father responded on the second ring.

“Dad, it’s me.” Walsh firmed up his tone and corrected his posture.

“Walsh? This is a surprise.”

“I, um, I’m in Rivermont.” Walsh braced himself for the explosion.

“What about Sheikh Kassim?” His father was much more calm than Walsh had anticipated. “I thought you were in discussions with him all this week there in New York.”

“I was. I have been, but something came up and I had to come here.”

“Walsh, I don’t have to tell you how crucial these negotiations are.”

“No, Dad, you don’t. There are some things I could get done from here, but some of it has to be face-to-face. I know that.”

“What’s so important? Something with your mother’s estate?”

“No.” Walsh clipped the word. He couldn’t think about his mother dying with Kerris still fighting that battle only yards away. “Look, I don’t know if you’ve met Cam’s wife.”

“Kerris.”

Her name so readily on his father’s lips robbed Walsh of speech for a moment. Not only had his father apparently met Kerris, but remembered her name. There were employees who had retired from Bennett after twenty years of service whose names eluded his father.

“Uh, yeah, Kerris. You’ve met her?”

“I met her when you were kidnapped.” Martin skimmed over the event as if he’d met Kerris at a Christmas party. “She recognized your hands. Or, rather, what were not your hands.”

“Huh?”

“Those shitheads from Haiti? They sent us a finger with some of your belongings, implying that it was yours.”

“It was Paul’s.” Walsh’s heart sagged beneath the familiar guilt over the missionary his captors had murdered right in front of him. Needlessly.

“Yeah, well, your mother and Jo and even Cameron were all set to start moaning about it.” A touch of humor entered Martin’s voice. “That little lady, not bigger than a minute, frowned and said, ‘That’s not his finger.’”

Walsh swallowed, closing his eyes. What woman recognized a man’s fingers if she didn’t love him just a little bit?

“And then she looked at my hand and said, ‘Those are his fingers.’”

Martin gave into a full-bodied chuckle, sounding somewhat delighted.

“Can you believe that? Intense little thing, isn’t she?”

“She’s been in a car accident.” Walsh tried to ignore the stingers of pain in his chest, expelling the next words. “She was pregnant and has already lost the baby. It’s bad. I’m not leaving until she’s out of the woods.”

“You there to support Cameron?” Walsh knew his father was more than merely curious.

“I’m here for her.” Walsh slathered the remark with defiance. He was not in the mood to defend his feelings for Kerris.

“That’s good. Don’t worry about Kassim. I’ll put Miller on it.”

Walsh wired his jaw shut, squelching the protest that sprang to his lips. Andru Miller, a few years older than Walsh, was ambitious and hungry. He looked for any chance to prove to Martin that he was just as capable and more deserving than Walsh. The thought of Miller cozying up to the sheikh, taking credit at the last minute for the relationship Walsh had spent the last six months cultivating…

“Sounds good,” Walsh forced himself to say. “I’ll call Trisha so she can get Miller up to speed.”

“Hey, son,” Martin said. “She’s an exceptional girl. Kerris, I mean.”

Walsh couldn’t speak. Had he ever heard his father apply the word “exceptional” to a person? Steaks were exceptional. Opportunities were exceptional. The coffee he had flown in from Colombia was exceptional. But a woman his father barely knew?

“I know I’ve always wanted you to marry Sofie,” Martin said into the silence Walsh couldn’t find a way to break. “But if you married a girl like Kerris, I’d be pleased.”

Walsh swallowed the emotion burning and pressing against the inside of his throat.

“Bye, Dad.”

“Bye, son.”