Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) (7 page)

“KNEEL BEFORE ME,” thundered the beast as it came down the ramp from the spaceship. “FOR I AM . . . DR. DENNY!”

“Denny the dentist?” asked Bob Foster.

“THAT IS CORRECT,” the monster said, speaking in all capital letters, as aliens tend to do.

“That’s a pretty unusual name for an alien dentist,” I pointed out.

“EARTH IS A PRETTY UNUSUAL NAME FOR A PLANET. WHO SENT YOU TO SEE ME?”

“The President of the United States,” said Punch.

“SO HE RECEIVED MY CARD, BUT WAS TOO COWARDLY TO COME FOR HIS APPOINTMENT. HE SENT YOU IN HIS PLACE.”

“That’s right,” said Bob Foster. “Where did you come from?”

“I COME FROM DEIMOS,” Denny said.

WARNING: SHIELD YOUR EYES OR LOOK AWAY! QUICKLY! IF YOU READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, YOU WILL ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING.

Deimos? I had a vague memory of Deimos, because my cousin went to a summer camp there one year. It’s a dark, reddish moon, the smaller of the two moons of Mars. It circles Mars every thirty hours.

In Greek, the word Deimos means “panic.” That’s what we were starting to do. This alien looked mean. Bob Foster looked like he was going to pee in his pants. Punch looked like she was going to pee
without
her pants, because as you know, dogs don’t wear pants.

“How is Deimos different from Earth?” asked Bob Foster, so he could distract the alien with small talk and maybe it would just leave quietly, as if it had shown up at a boring party and went home early.

“THERE IS NO AIR ON DEIMOS,” Denny said. “AND NO WAFFLES.”

“No waffles?” I asked. “How do you survive?”

“WE EAT PANCAKES AND PRETEND THEY ARE WAFFLES.”

“Well, I guess if you put enough syrup on them . . .” I said.

“Who cares about that?” asked Punch. “Why did you come here?”

“I COULD NOT FIND A DENTIST ON DEIMOS, AND I HAVE DANGEROUS DENTAL DECAY.”

“Maybe if they had air and waffles, there would be more dentists,” I suggested. “Because if there are two things that dentists love, they’re air and waffles.”

“Why don’t you just be your own dentist?” asked Bob Foster.

“DID YOU EVER TRY TO LOOK IN YOUR OWN MOUTH?” asked the alien.

“You could use a mirror,” suggested Punch.

“WE DON’T HAVE MIRRORS ON DEIMOS!”

“You’re lucky,” I told the alien. “If I looked like you, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere
near
a mirror.”

“We can get you a dentist right here on Earth,” said Bob Foster. “No problem. Then you can leave us alone and go home. Or we can just give you a mirror.”

“NO!” thundered Denny the alien. “IT IS TOO LATE FOR THAT. YOUR PRESIDENT HAS OFFENDED ME! SO I WILL DESTROY THE EARTH!”

“Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction?” asked Bob Foster.

“Yeah,” I said. “Maybe you should start by destroying a small village, just to see if you like it. Then you can destroy a town, and then gradually work your way up to big cities and entire planets.”

“ENOUGH TALK!” said Dr. Denny. “I WILL KILL EARTHLINGS ONE AT A TIME UNTIL THEY ARE ALL GONE.”

“Not so fast, Denny!” I shouted. “You leave me no choice but to use my superpower to stop you.”

“THAT’S
DR.
DENNY TO YOU,” Denny replied. “WHAT SUPERPOWER IS THAT?”

“My superior sense of humor!” I replied. “What do you call a fish with no eyes?”

“WHAT?”

“A fsh,” I told him. “Get it? No I?”

“That’s
it
?” asked Punch. “
That’s
the best joke you can come up with?
That’s
your superior sense of humor? Do you realize how desperate we are? This guy is going to destroy the world!”

“Okay, how about this one?” I asked. “How do you make a werewolf stew?”

“HOW?”

“Keep him waiting in line for two hours,” I said.

“That’s just awful,” said Bob Foster.

But I thought I saw the corner of the alien’s disgusting, dripping mouth go up a little to form the hint of a smile.

“What did Noah use so he could see in his ark?” I asked quickly.

“WHAT?”

“Floodlights,” I told him.

A smile! There was definitely a smile creeping onto his disgusting, malodorous face.

“What are the names of the little rivers that run into the Nile?” I asked.

“I GIVE UP.”

“The juveniles!” I said.

“Look!” Punch yelled. “I think he’s laughing!”

“I AM NOT!” hollered the alien.

“Who invented fractions?” I asked.

“WHO?”

“Henry the One-Eighth,” I told him.

Denny’s enormous, malodorous belly was jiggling now. He wiped away the tears from his filthy, sunken eyes. He was having a hard time controlling himself. All I needed was one more joke to put him away.

“This walrus walks into a bar—”

“STOP!” Dr. Denny hollered, “BRING OUT THE HOSTAGE!”

The door to the spaceship opened once again with a
whoosh
. And standing there was the love of my life, the beautiful Tupper Camembert.

OH, YOU GOTTA READ THIS! IT’S ALL ABOUT DR. DENNY AND HIS DIABOLICALLY PREPOSTEROUS PLAN TO DESTROY THE WORLD.

“Tupper!” I shouted.

“Funny Boy!” Tupper shouted.

“Tupper!”

“Funny Boy!”

“Tupper!”

“Funny Boy!”

“Will you two shut up already?” Bob Foster said. “You’re annoying.”

Tupper was standing there in the spaceship door wrapped up like a mummy, except for her face, which was covered in tears.

“I TRICKED YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND INTO COMING TO ME FOR A DENTAL APPOINTMENT,” said the alien. “DO YOU THINK
THAT
’S FUNNY, FUNNY BOY?”

“Let her go, Dr. Denny!” I shouted. “She never hurt anyone. Well, except for that time at school when she opened the door to her locker and it whacked me in the face.”

“That was an accident!” said Tupper, sobbing.

At that moment, on either side of Tupper, two other alien greaseballs emerged. They grabbed her roughly by the arms.

“I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET MY DENTAL HYGIENISTS,” said Denny. “THEIR NAMES ARE HALITOSIS AND GINGIVITIS.”

“GRRRRRRRRRRR,” said Halitosis. “KILL!”

“RGGGGGGGGGG,” said Gingivitis. “DIE!”

Oh great. Now I would have to deal with
three
of them. They were awful looking, vomit-inducing creatures, too horrible to describe. Just think of the most ugly, disgusting-looking monsters possible, and then imagine something doubly repulsive.

“They don’t look very hygienic to me,” said Punch.

I tried to make eye contact with Denny’s hygienist henchmen, but they each had three eyes, and I didn’t know which one to look at. They dragged Tupper down the ramp and over to one of the four dental chairs. Then they strapped her into it tightly. She couldn’t move her arms or legs.

“Help!” Tupper shouted. “Do something, Funny Boy!”

“You’ll never get away with this, Denny!” I yelled. “Surrender now, and maybe the criminal justice system will go easy on you.”

“DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH!”

Well, that sure didn’t work. Telling bad guys to surrender
never
works. It’s just as well, because it would make for really boring stories if they simply gave up as soon as we asked them to.

“KILL?” asked Halitosis hopefully, holding Tupper by the elbow.

“DIE?” asked Gingivitis.

“NOT YET, BOYS,” said Denny. “FIRST I MUST DESCRIBE MY PREPOSTEROUS PLAN TO DESTROY THE WORLD.”

“Oh, this I gotta hear,” said Punch.

Dr. Denny went over to his giant drill, placing one hand on it, almost lovingly.

“SEE THIS?” he said. “I WILL USE IT TO DRILL A HOLE IN THE EARTH.”

“Why?” asked Bob Foster.

“I WILL CUT A PATH DEEPER THAN THE GRAND CANYON,” Denny said. “AT SOME POINT, THE EARTH WILL SPLIT IN TWO PIECES AND CRACK OPEN LIKE A PISTACHIO NUT! THEN IT WILL SPIN OFF ITS AXIS AND EVERYONE WILL DIE! AHAHAHAHAHA! DRILL, BABY, DRILL!”

“That’s preposterous!” said Bob Foster.

“I KNOW,” Denny said. “I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT WAS PREPOSTEROUS.”

“Do you have any idea how much pain and suffering that will inflict upon the citizens of Earth?” said Bob Foster. “Have you no sympathy at all?”

“DON’T WORRY,” said Denny. “FIRST I WILL DROWN THE PLANET IN NOVOCAINE. THE CITIZENS OF EARTH WON’T FEEL A THING.”

“HAHAHAHA!” said Halitosis.

“HAHAHAHA!” said Gingivitis.

“Your preposterous plan will never work,” Punch said calmly.

“WHY NOT, DOG GIRL?”

“Because there are only a few more chapters left in this book,” Punch said. “These stories always have a happy ending. We’re all fictional, you know.”

“WE WILL SEE WHO IS FICTIONAL!” shouted Denny. “SEIZE THOSE IDIOTS!”

We tried to make a run for it, but Halitosis and Gingivitis grabbed Punch, Bob Foster, and me. They dragged us over to the dental chairs next to Tupper and strapped us into them.

“I’m sorry, Tupper,” I said. “I will always love you.”

“I guess our love was not meant to be, Funny Boy,” Tupper replied.

“Ugh! Will you two knock it off?” said Punch. “You’re going to make me throw up.”

Dr. Denny put on a pair of rubber gloves and went over to Tupper’s chair. He leaned it all the way back and put one of those heavy vests over Tupper’s chest. Then he took some of the dental instruments from a tray and shined a big light on her mouth.