Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) (4 page)

FUNNY BOY IS GOING TO INVENT A NEW KIND OF CAT FOOD IN THIS CHAPTER. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT. YOU CAN SKIP AHEAD TO THE COOL STUFF THAT HAPPENS LATER ON, WHEN THE ALIEN ATTACKS.

Wow! Principal Werner is a known lunatic who tortures, kills, and eats children. This should be interesting.

I hoped Sal was going to be okay. It just goes to show that you should always be careful not to slip and fall in a bathroom, especially when there’s no bath in there. I never did find out what present Sal was going to give me. He went to the nurse’s office so he could have his head X-rayed. They probably won’t find anything.

Principal Werner took my elbow and led me down the hall to his office. He closed the door behind us.

“Take a seat,” he said. “I mean, sit down. So what do you have to say for yourself, young man?”

“Well, I would just like to say that somebody should invent mouse-flavored cat food,” I told him. “Because cats like to chase and eat mice. So wouldn’t you think that they would love a cat food that tasted like mouse?”

“I don’t care what cats eat!” said Principal Werner. “What I care about is my students, and I will
not
tolerate bullying in this school. We have a zero tolerance policy.”

“I thought tolerance was a
good
thing,” I told him. “Didn’t you tell us yourself that we should be tolerant of all people? So you should have a 100% tolerance policy.”

Principal Werner looked at me for a long time.

“Are you putting me on?” he finally asked.

“How could I put you on?” I asked. “You’re not clothes.”

Principal Werner looked at me for an even longer time. Too long.

“I need to go to the nurse’s office to check on Sal Monella,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Then, we’re going to talk about suspending you. Do
not
leave this room, Funny Boy.”

He left. Wow, I had never been suspended before. It sounded like fun.

I looked around Principal Werner’s office. He had paintings of boats and lighthouses all over the walls. He had model ships and captain’s hats on his shelves. He even had a coatrack that was made from a wooden paddle. Boy, that guy sure likes boating!

In the shelf by the door, I noticed that Principal Werner had a long coiled rope. It was like the kind of rope you would use to tie your boat to a dock.

I picked up the rope and started fooling around with it. First I looped it around the legs of my chair. Then I hooked the other end of the rope around the pipe on the ceiling, like a pulley. Then I sat on the chair and pulled the rope so the chair I was sitting on went up to the ceiling. I tied the rope so I was hanging there. It was fun.

That’s when Principal Werner came back into the office.

“What are you doing up
there
?” he hollered.

“Well, you said that when you got back you wanted to talk about suspending me,” I said. “So I thought I would save you some trouble and suspend myself. Look! No hands!”

“Get out!” he yelled. “Get out of my office!”

WARNING: IF YOU READ THIS BOOK BACKWARD, IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. AND IF YOU READ IT FORWARD, IT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE.

THIS CHAPTER IS REALLY SHORT. SO IF YOUR MOM OR DAD TELLS YOU THAT YOU CAN’T WATCH TV OR GO OUTSIDE UNTIL YOU READ A CHAPTER IN A BOOK, READ THIS ONE.
THAT’LL SHOW ’EM!

By now, you may be getting a little frustrated. I mean, so far there has been nothing in this book about a dumbbell dentist from Deimos. It says right there on the cover that Funny Boy was going to meet the dumbbell dentist from Deimos. At this point there have been lots of dumbbells, but no dentists, from Deimos or anywhere else. You may feel that you have been deceived. You may ask for your money back.

Well, forget that! You’re not getting your money back. I already told you that. We spent your money a long time ago, when we ran out of Q-tips. But what you
will
get—shortly—is the most incredible encounter with an alien yet. A big, disgusting-looking, saliva-dripping alien. Just be patient, okay?

Meanwhile, in Toad Suck, Arkansas, a spaceship came to a soft landing in a grassy field near the Sock Hop Diner. A big, disgusting-looking, saliva-dripping alien was inside.

See? I told you there would be a big, disgusting-looking, saliva-dripping alien!

THIS CHAPTER IS PRETTY SHORT TOO. I COULD HAVE PADDED IT OUT WITH A LOT OF USELESS INFORMATION, BUT I WOULD NEVER DO A THING LIKE THAT. (FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW THAT COWS HAVE FOUR STOMACHS? THAT’S A LOT OF STOMACHS! WHY DO THEY NEED SO MANY STOMACHS? YOU’D THINK ONE STOMACH WOULD BE PLENTY FOR A COW. OR MAYBE TWO, IN CASE THE COW NEEDED A BACKUP STOMACH.)

When I got home from school, Bob Foster was there.

“How was work at the underwear factory today?” I asked him.

“Same old, same old,” he said. “I inspected a thousand elastic waistbands. How was school?”

“Very good,” I reported. “I too inspected a thousand elastic waistbands.”

(Well, I wasn’t about to tell Bob Foster that I had been suspended.)

While Bob Foster was preparing dinner, suddenly I felt a rumbling. At first I thought it was an earthquake that would destroy entire towns and leave thousands of people homeless. But then I realized it was much more serious than that.

I was
hungry
!

It was my stomach rumbling.

“What’s to eat?” I asked Bob Foster.

But before he could even answer, the phone rang. Punch picked it up with her paw. She listened for a minute or so, and then she hung up.

“Who was that?” Bob Foster and I asked.

“It was somebody claiming to be Myles Purgallin, the President of the United States,” Punch said.

“That
was
President Purgallin!” I yelled.

“Why did you hang up on him?” asked Bob Foster.

“I told him we were about to sit down to eat,” said Punch. “We never talk on the phone during dinner.”

“You told the president
that
?” asked Bob Foster. “The president is more important than dinner!”

The phone rang again. This time I picked it up.

“Runny Boy, it’s
me
,” said the voice at the other end of the line. “Myles Purgallin, the President of the United States. Some idiot just hung up on me.”

“How do I know for sure that you’re the president?” I asked him. “
Anybody
could call up and say they’re the president of the United States. Tell me something only the president knows.”

“The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle,” said the president.

“Hmmm,” I said, “only the President of the United States would know that. You must really be the president!”

“Of course I’m the president, you dope!” said Myles Purgallin. “I need to talk to you. It’s a matter of national importance.”

“Mr. President,” I told him, “I am here to serve you. Your wish is my desire. My mission is to help you and my adopted country.”

“I need you to come to Washington right away,” the president said.

“I’m kinda busy this week,” I told him. “Bob Foster wants me to help him paint the front porch. Can I come next week?”

“Aliens have landed!” the president yelled. “Earth could be destroyed by next week!”

Wow! Earth could be destroyed by next week! The front porch was part of Earth. If aliens were coming to destroy Earth, they would certainly destroy the front porch with it. And if they were going to destroy the front porch next week, there was no reason to paint it this week. Hooray! I wouldn’t have to paint the front porch! In fact, I wouldn’t have to paint the front porch ever, because if Earth was going to be destroyed, there would be no front porches left, and no houses with front porches, and nobody would need a front porch anyway because all life would be destroyed and we’d all be dead and—

“I’ll be right over,” I told the president.

ISN’T THIS EXCITING? IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, GO TO SLEEP, OR GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW, DON’T! YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!