Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (6 page)

So as our story begins everything is going pretty good

the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute

and everything is pretty okay

so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant.

He is like “Hey, giant

bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city in nine months.”

And the giant is like “What do I get if I win?”

And Odin is like “Well, I’m kinda cash poor at the moment.

How about Freyja?”

(Freyja is the goddess of love and other icky stuff

gifted to the Aesir by a group of identical gods they tried to kill one time.

What Odin is doing is called regifting and it is in poor taste.)

But Freya is way hot, so the giant is like “Sweet, okay.”

And Odin is like “Oh, and if you can’t finish the wall in time, then I get it for free.”

And the giant is like “Sure dude, whatever.”

Now Odin is pretty confident that there is no way the giant can build a wall in time.

I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE.

They had to build a six-mile-long feast hall just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.

So he just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall

TOTALLY FOR FREE.

You don’t become a god by being bad with money that is a fact.

But this plan is about to backfire SO HARD.

The giant and his unreasonably strong horse

are putting up this wall like it’s going out of style.

There are still several months to go

and the wall is almost totally finished.

So Odin is like “Oh shit, I might have to pay this giant for all the work that he’s doing.

UNACCEPTABLE.”

So he calls up Loki like “LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS.”

And Loki is like “What? Why?”

And Odin is like “REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP

THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?”

And Loki is like “Oh yeah.

Why did we do that again?”

And Odin is like “NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT.”

So Loki is like “Sheeeeyiiiit.

I’m a pussy. I can’t stop a giant.

But WAIT!

I can stop his horse!

WITH MY PUSSY!”

so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse

with her lady parts all distended and pungent

and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit

and is like “I AM CALLING A TIME-OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING.

A SEX TIME-OUT.”

(Feel free to use these in your everyday life.

I know you were all searching desperately for some way to justify dropping everything

and just having a bunch of sex.

NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION.)

So then the giant is like “How am I supposed to finish this wall without my powerhorse?

I feel like I may have been cheated by Odin just now.

I’m going to go yell at him.”

So he goes to Odin’s room like “ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE?”

and Odin is like “I dunno what you’re talking about. It was all Loki’s idea.”

and the giant is like “FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA.”

and Freyja is like “Who’s taking what now?”

because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal.

So she’s like “THORRRR.”

and Thor runs into the room like “What?

Oh, you need me to kill a giant?

Yeah, all right.”

So he kills the giant

thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions.

So a couple months later

Loki finally comes back to Asgard

leading the megahorse he seduced and also another smaller horse

but what this horse lacks in size

it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS.

Yes sir, this is THE OCTOHORSE.

(aka Sleipnir)

So Odin is like “Oh shit, give me those.”

and Loki is like “NUP. I’m totally giving the ultrahorse to Freyja.”

and Odin is like “Can I at least have the octohorse?”

and Loki is like “Only if I don’t have to do what you say anymore.”

and Odin is like “FINE.”

and Loki is like “HAHA, I PRANKED YOU

THAT HORSE CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA.”

And Odin is like “Ew, ick.

I still want the horse though.”

So the moral of the story

is that only a sucker pays full price for masonry.

Oh, speaking of which

let me tell you about another really gross thing Loki had sex with . . .

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim

and he sees this chick Angrboða

pronounced ANGER BOW THE

and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly

and her name is kinda like a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW

but you know what?

I’m gonna tap that

and have three kids with that

and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.

I see no problems with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid: a giant wolf named Fenrir.

Now Loki brings baby Fenrir to Asgard

and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them

mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.

But instead of doing anything about it

they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own

presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.

So this god Tyr

the god of single combat and being awesome

gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir

because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf

and Fenrir gets bigger

and bigger

and holy shit bigger

until the gods start to be like “Uhh . . . we should really do something about this wolf.”

So what they do is they make a big metal chain.

This chain is so incredibly massive

that they don’t feel right until they give it a name

that name is Leyding.

So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey, man

I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”

And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”

So they tie him up

and he pretty much just breaks the chains like cobwebs

and he gets famous because of that

and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.

Okay, let’s make a better chain.”

so they make a chain that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG

and they name it Dromi

and they go back to Fenrir like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”

And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”

And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”

and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

So he lets them tie him up again

and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break

so then he kicks the chain, and it does break

and the gods are all like “Okay we definitely need a better chain.

Somebody call some dwarves.”

So the dwarves are like “Okay the mistake you guys have been making

is you have been trying to make a chain out of actual things that exist

such as metal

instead of abstract concepts

such as the sound of a cat’s footfall.”

So what the dwarves do

is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall

along with the roots of a mountain

the sinews of a bear

the beard of a woman—

remember, these are dwarves—

and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird

so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around

and mountains don’t have roots

and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit

but I think bears still probably have sinews

and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies

so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway

somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN.

Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.

It is thin and pink and soft

and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir

and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”

And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.

There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.

Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”

And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat?

Why would we trap you?

What do you think we are desperately afraid of you or something?

We just thought

that if the great wolf Fenrir was too much of a pussnexus

to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon

we might just go and tell everybody about that

and then they would laugh at you.”

So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.

But I seriously don’t trust you guys

so how about I let you tie me up

if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”

And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .”

Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS

moved almost to the point of vomiting

but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up

and Fenrir flexes

and then he tries kicking

and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic

but that ribbon does not break

and he is like “DAMMIT.”

And bites off Tyr’s hand

and everyone laughs at Fenrir

except for Tyr

because he just got his hand bit off.

And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone

so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever

and Fenrir drools so much that it makes an entire fucking river

called “hope” in Norse for some reason

like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.

HOPE:

YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON

AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD.

Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.

It says that eventually, at the end of the world

Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story

is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies

it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

Before we go any further

I feel like I need to tell you a little bit about the kind of person Freyja is.

But it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja

in which her main role isn’t just as something people give each other.

This is because the Norse appear to treat women as currency.

But don’t worry, guys

I found one

(kinda)

So Freyja wakes up one morning

and she is like “I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME GOLD

AND NOW I WANT SOME.

But where shall I get some?

Oh wait

I live in a world that has dwarves.

WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.”

So she walks over to Dwarftowne

and while she is walking, Loki sees her and he is like “Oh man

that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE

I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER

because I am Loki and that is what I DO.”

So Loki follows Freyja all the way to the house of these four dwarves

and sitting on their pedestal

is just the most astonishing display of golduggery EVER.

(Golduggery is exactly like skulduggery

except instead of doing crimes you do gold)

It is a necklace of such INDESCRIBABLE VALUE

that all the Norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth

and no one actually knows what it looks like

or even if it is a necklace really

we’re kind of just guessing here

more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold

big enough to fit four dwarf dicks simultaneously.

So these four skeezy dwarfs pop out, and Freyja’s like “Ew, gross

I mean hey, guys, how’s it going?

Think I could have this necklace or whatever it is?

I’ll pay you GOLD for it.”

And the dwarves are like “We don’t need any more gold.”

WHOA, RECORD SCRATCH.

Did you just hear what I heard?

DWARVES

do not need more

GOLD?!

These are clearly not four dwarves

but rather eight babies in four dwarf suits.

But that just makes this next part weirder

because then Freyja is like “Well, gold is pretty much all I have.

Credit cards haven’t been invented yet, nor has investment banking.”

and the dwarves are like “WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA, RIGHT?

HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS APIECE.”

and Freyja is like “Hmm

. . .

Okay!”

So each of the dwarves does the teenie-weenie with Freyja for a solid day/night cycle

and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds

and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like “Welp

we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be in our sad, sad lives.

Here, have this necklace.”

And Freyja is like “SWEET!

This was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!”

And meanwhile, Loki

who, remember, followed Freyja here

is like “DAMN, I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT.

I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT.

I guess I’ll just have to settle for ruining her accomplishment like I planned.”

So Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a loooong shower

and Loki hauls ass over to Odin’s place

and he’s like “Odin, Odin, guess what?

I know I’m the god of lying all the time

but you gotta trust me when I say

Freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace.”

And Odin is like “Yeah, that sounds like Freyja.

I mean WHAT??

I
WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.

WE
ALL
WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.

THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE REASON WE KEEP HER AROUND

AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?

UNACCEPTABLE.

GO STEAL HER NECKLACE.”

and Loki is like “Did somebody say STEALING?”

and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who said that.”

but Loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place

STEALING.

So he gets to Freyja’s place and the door is locked

so he turns into a fly and goes in through a crack in the roof.

But then Freyja is sleeping on her back

with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible

so Loki turns into a flea and mauls her cheeks until she flips over

and then Loki turns into Loki and just steals her necklace.

So Freyja wakes up

notices her necklace is gone

notices her door is open

and is like “DAMMIT LOKI.

But wait

Loki would be too much of a pussy to do this on his own.

DAMMIT ODIN.

But how would Odin know about my necklace?

DAMMIT LOKI.

But Loki is probably nine countries away at this point.

I’M GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN.”

So she shows up at Odin’s place, all angry and shit

and Odin is like “WELL, WELL, WELL

IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY.

HEY, I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK.

WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING? THEY’RE ALL YOURS.”

And Freyja is like “VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE.”

and Odin is like “I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS VERY FUNNY

WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB.

But seriously, it’s because of shit like this that we keep trying to sell you to giants.

So I’m going to punish you.”

and Freyja is like “Aw Frigg.

What’s it gonna be?”

And Odin is like “Well, I’ll let you have the necklace back

but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard fight wars forever.

Oh wait, that’s not really a puni—”

AND FREYJA IS LIKE “YES, DONE, THANK YOU.”

Then there is war forever

but at least Freyja looks pretty.

So the moral of the story

is that apparently women ARE currency

but the exchange rate of women to gold isn’t actually that great.