When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (26 page)

STAN: Yes, it’s something that’s .. . DAN: . . . been bothering you for a long time? STAN: Yes.

DAN: Well, it’s a habit that started in grade school. When the teacher called on another kid, sometimes the kid would start to answer and then get stuck. So I would supply the rest of the answer.

DAN: . . . ever since that time.

DAN: … do about it? The only thing I could do about it would be to find some person who might be willing to …

STAN: . .. finish your sentences?

DAN: . . . the same person? Why couldn’t the same person whose sentences I finish . . .

MAN: . . . man over here. What can I do for you fellows?

A Person I Know Day

The American Retail Association reminds you that next Sunday is A Person I Know Day. It’s a lot like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but instead of honoring your parents, you take the time to honor some other person you know. It can be anyone at all: mailman, delivery boy, gas station attendant, drugstore clerk, even that interesting fellow who stands on the corner all day displaying his penis. Any person you know is eligible; in fact, every person you know is eligible. So why not honor them all? Go out today and buy gifts for all the people you know. It’s the perfect way of showing your love and saying, “Hi, I’m sure glad I know you.”

And when you think about it, you’ll probably be in store for some nice gifts yourself on A Person I Know Day. In fact, the more people you know, the more gifts you’ll receive. So go for a long walk today and introduce yourself to every person you see. Just walk up and say, “Don’t I know you? If not, I’d sure like to.” Then give them your address and tell them to send you a gift. You’ll make lots and lots of new friends. And you’ll be helping the economy.

IF IT AIN’T DIRTY, WHY CLEAN IT?

I’ve never seen anyone cleaning a church. I’ve seen many things, but never a cleaning crew working in a church; vacuuming, mopping, dusting the statues and scrubbing the altar. You know why? I figured it out: Churches don t need to be cleaned; God does it. It’s one of those miracles. That’s how they know it’s a church in the first place.

Here’s how it works: After a church has been built, the owners wait six months and then look inside. If it’s clean, they know it’s a church. So they get ready for the grand opening. And from that day on, they never have to clean it. No matter what kind of crud, grime or muck the sinners track in, the place remains spotless. But just between you and me, a little Windex on the stained glass wouldn’t hurt once in a while. It would help bring out all those bright, pretty colors they use to show the torture and the bleeding of the saints.

OUR LADY OF THE TV

“Hi. I’m Our Lady of the TV. I’m here to say hello, and to make sure everyone prays real hard for peace. Also, the last time I was here I forgot my sunglasses. Has anyone seen my sunglasses?”

(Stagehand hands her the glasses.)

“Thank you. Hold my purse, would you?”

(She hands him her purse and puts on the sunglasses.)

“I know that many of you lead a pointless existence. You have dead-end jobs, bad marriages and children who hate you because you’ve ruined their lives. I also know you look to symbols like me to provide solace and hope. Well, here’s the deal: I have no solace to offer, and, frankly, there is no hope.

I’m just an illusion; an illusion that means nothing. So work it out for yourselves; if you ask me, you’re not trying hard enough. Thank you. I’ll be back in a few years. And please stop bothering my son with stupid requests like winning the lottery.”

(To the stagehand) “Gimme the purse.”

LETTER TO A FRIEND

Dear Trevor,

The reason I’m writing is because I’ve lost your address and have no way of getting in touch with you. For that reason, chances are you won’t receive this, in which case you should not feel obligated to reply. If, however, this letter does reach you and you wish to answer, please enclose your current address so 1 will know where to send this. By the way, you can ignore the return address on this envelope, as I am moving next week and, although I don ‘tyet have my new address, I will be sending it along as soon as I hear from you.

Should you have any trouble locating me, please be assured I will contact you as soon as I have my new phone, so, by all means, give me a call and let me have your number. If it turns out I’m unable to reach you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch, as I always mention it to my friends whenever neither of us hears from the other. Should you encounter any trouble reaching me, please let me know, and I will get back to you at once.

Then again, if you are unable to reach me, perhaps it would be better not to get in touch, because I will most likely be trying to get hold of you. And, of course, if I do reach you please let me know immediately. Con

versely, if I don’t reach you, you will probably hear from me right away.

Well, evening is rolling around, and, as they say in Portugal, ‘It’s time to say goodbye.” I hope you receive this before you mail your letter. It’s so good to communicate this way.

Sincerely, Sperla Vaughn

P.S. Should this letter be lost in transit, pUase disregard.

TRUE FACT: I saw a guy on the street wearing a T-shirt that said “Couples for Christ.” But he was all alone. And I wondered, What would Jesus think?

What’s the difference between a drop and a droplet? After all, if you divide a drop into smaller parts, all you really get is smaller drops. Big or little, a drop is a drop. Same thing with a crumb. But the odd thing about a crumb is that if you cut a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. To me, that sounds like magic. I gotta ask David Copperfield how they do that.

When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

A saw a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk, yammering to himself and repeatedly punctuating his remarks with, “You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’?’ And I thought, For God’s sake, the man is talking to himself! If he doesn’t know what he’s saying, who would?

TRUE FACT: On June 8, 1995, Glacier National Park was closed because of too much snow.

Colin Powell spent his entire adult life as a soldier, trying to devise the most efficient ways of killing foreigners for his country. Then he became a diplomat, trying to devise the most efficient ways of getting foreigners to cooperate with his country. Tough sell.

Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only-thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.

I recently learned there are three people still alive who can do the minuet. Unfortunately, only one of them is able to move without a wheelchair.

I think they should have a hotline that never answers, for people who don’t follow advice in the first place.

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.

You know what I like most about the NCAA Basketball Tournament? Sixty-three losers.

The United States most closely resembles a huge, poorly-thought-out sick joke.

Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

A female teacher seduced a fourteen-year old boy and he turned her in to the police. What was this kid thinking? Was he fuckin1 crazy? Or gay? I would have kept that kind of thing real quiet. At least until I graduated.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young

customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

More people write poetry than read it.

I wish the ecology people would save one species that would make a dramatic comeback and then wipe us all out.

When I’m in someone’s house and I see something I want that’s small and easy to conceal, I steal it. It’s my belief that property belongs to the person who wants it most.

Whatever became of alpha-carotene?

I wonder what kind of masturbation fantasies Stephen King has.

I also wonder if anyone has ever masturbated while fantasizing about having sex with a live chicken. Usually, I wonder about these things while I’m masturbating.

Isaiah said, “They shall beat their swords into ploughshares and their spears into pruning hooks . . .” Let me ask you something. When was the last time you heard of someone who made a fortune selling ploughshares and pruning hooks?

You’re probably thinking to yourselves right now, “I wonder what he thinks I’m thinking right now.” Or, you may be thinking, UI wonder when he’s going to say, ‘You re probably thinking to yourselves right now, I wonder what he thinks I’m thinking right now.’ ” Or you could be thinking, “I wonder when he’s going to wonder when I . . .” Well, maybe not.

Hey, guys, did you ever get your balls caught in the toaster when it was turned all the way up to dark brown, and your wife was trying to rub butter on your balls, and your pit bull was in the kitchen and he really loves butter? It’s an awful feeling.

When I’m writing, I always like to have the TV playing in the background. I usually try to find a program that’s interesting enough to leave on, but stupid enough to ignore.

I think sometimes the word overseas is pluralized unnecessarily. The way I look at it. New York to London is “oversea.” After all, there’s only one sea in between them.

This statement is untrue.

Regarding astrology: An obstetrician or a maternity nurse who weighs between one hundred and two hundred pounds actually exerts a greater gravitational force on a baby at the time of its birth than do any of the distant planets that are said to influence a person’s personality and destiny. Why aren’t these bulky, proximate objects factored into the astrological charts that are so carefully laid out?

There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?

Whenever I hear that someone lives in a gated community I think of places like Auschwitz.

TRUE FACT: There is actually such a thing as the Paralyzed Veterans of America. And I wonder, Who answers the phone?

Until you’re a certain age, you don’t have anything to “put behind you.’ That’s what life seems to be: a process of doing things that eventually you just want to put behind you.

There are now murderous turf-wars going on in which people are being brutally killed over the right to sell a substance called ecstasy.

You know something you don’t see anymore? The sacking of a city. Rome and Constantinople were good examples. Next time we win a war, we ought to sack the capital of the country we defeat. “US. TROOPS SACK BAGHDAD.” Wouldn’t that be good? I guess we do our sacking in subder ways. Through the business community.

I think they ought to have really fast escalators that you have to jump on and off, and if you get hurt, too bad.

When I notice a dead fly on the windowsillone that wasn’t there the day beforeI always wonder how he died. I wonder if he had a stroke,

or maybe a little fly heart attack. Then I think maybe he’s just pretending to be dead so I won’t swat him. So I swat him.

Here’s a tip from the power and light company on saving energy: If you have elderly people living with you, cut back on their heat and light. Old people often exaggerate how cold they feel.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

I was thinking the other day that one kid who’s really gonna have emotional problems when she grows up is that Jon Benet Ramsey. You know, because of all the media attention, her parents being under suspicion, the speculations about sexual abuse. Jesus, that kind of thing would fuck any kid up. And then I remembered, hey, she was the one who got killed. And I thought, it’s a good thing she’s dead; at least she won’t have to suffer.

TELL PIERRE I SAID HELLO

HANK: I’m going up to San Francisco this weekend. FRANK: Oh. Well, tell Pierre I said hello.

HANK: Actually, I knew you would say that, so I took the liberty of calling him and telling him you said hello. He said in that case to tell you he also says hello. So, “Hello” from Pierre. And he said to add, “How’s it going’?”

FRANK: Oh, that’s great. Well tell him everything’s going just fine. And don’t forget to say, “How are you?”

HANK: Well, he and I knew you would ask that, and so Pierre has authorized me to say that he’s glad you’re fine, but that he hasn’t been feeling too well lately.

HANK: He says he knew you would be sorry to hear that, but he thinks it will blow over.

FRANK: Well, tell him if it doesn’t I have a great doctor in San Francisco. Ginny and I met him in Hawaii when we were there last year.

HANK: Pierre says he knew you had a great doctor, but he wasn t aware he was located in San Francisco. He also says he didn’t know you and Ginny had gone to Hawaii. He thought it was Canciin. And he also says, “Hows Ginny?”