The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (20 page)

YES, WE CANNED

 

New Rule:
Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he got caught on tape saying Republicans are assholes. And they call it news!

Now, I know I’m supposed to be all reinjected with yes-we-can fever after the big health-care speech, and it was a great speech—when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here’s the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

It bothers me that Obama didn’t say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped “end-of-life counseling” from health-care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant “death panels” on her Facebook page. Crazy morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.

Same thing with the speech to schools this week, where the president attempted to merely tell children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. “No students will be forced to view the speech,” a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn’t that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they’d say, “He’s giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you jackasses don’t show it to every damn kid, we’re cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow.”

The Democrats just never learn: Americans don’t really care which side of an issue you’re on as long as you
don’t act like pussies.
When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a
compliment.
He was talking about how they can get things done even when they’re in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can’t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.

I love Obama’s civility, his desire to work with his enemies; it’s positively Christlike. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don’t need that guy now. We need an asshole.

Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That’s why they voted for the old guy and Carrie’s mom. You’re not going to win them over. Stand up for the seventy percent of Americans who aren’t crazy.

And speaking of that seventy percent, when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck’s army of zombie retirees is descending on Washington. It’s the Million Moron March, although they won’t get a million, of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state—but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They’re at the town hall screaming at the congressman; we’re on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of Twitters and blogs and Snuggies, it’s a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health-care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.

 

 

—September 11, 2009