The Lessons (9 page)

Dr. Lerner nodded and made some notes. “Do you feel unsure of yourself in other areas of your life?”

I looked at her quizzically.

“Like at work, or with friends and family?”

“I don’t really have much family,” I said dismissively. “And at work I’m pretty focused. So no, I wouldn’t say I feel unsure. Kind of the opposite actually.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Ugh. She was really making me work for it here. Yet instead of concentrating, an image of Ryan floated to the front of my consciousness.
What the fuck?
It was hard enough to concentrate on figuring out what to say without Mr. Hotness taking up room in my mind.

“Um, why I’m focused at work? Not sure. Just always have been. I like to work hard.”

Subconscious Ryan raised his eyebrows at the word
hard
, and I realized I was getting moist down there. I sat up straighter on the couch and took another gulp of water.

“And when you work hard at work, what are the results?”

“The results? Good I think. I mean, yes. I’ve always done well at work. No complaints there,” I said, carefully omitting the part about having to take off three years to care for my ailing mother. As right as that decision was, I still felt guilty. I probably would be much more accomplished by now if I’d been able to work those three years.

“What about your family and friends? What are they like?”

Oh boy, here we go. “Well, to be honest, pretty non-existent.”

“Non-existent?”

“Yeah. I was raised in the foster care system, and my adoptive mother passed away last year.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you.”

“Do you mind if I ask how she passed away? Was it sudden?”

I took a deep breath and eyed the tissues on the coffee table. I had
not
planned on going into this at my sex-therapy appointment, and truth be told that wasn’t the only reason I wasn’t ready to talk about this. After my mom passed away, I had a lot of work to do. There is a ton of paperwork to do when someone dies, even if they knew it was coming. Once my mom passed, I threw myself into it, barely pausing to grieve. I knew I’d pushed all my emotion down deep, and that someday I’d have to deal with it. I just wasn’t expecting it to be today.

Dr. Lerner patiently waited for my response.

“Uh, yeah. I mean, no. Not sudden. We were expecting it— she had breast cancer. She had it once when I was in my early twenties, and we thought she had it beat, but it came back. I was twenty-six when the doctors told her it was terminal. She got weak real fast, so I quit my job and moved home with her. She lasted a few more years.” I reached over and grabbed a couple of tissues off the table and dabbed under my eyes. “Sorry,” I said taking a deep breath. “I’m not sure why I’m crying. That was over a year ago.”

Dr. Lerner just smiled and gently shook her head at me. “Don’t be sorry. It sounds like you loved her very much. I bet she really appreciated having you there.”

I nodded and looked down at the wadded up tissue in my hands. “Thanks.”

“Did you have any support system during that time?”

“Support system?”

“Friends, relatives… healthcare workers?”

“Oh, um… not really. I don’t have a lot of friends. Just one, actually and they were great,” I said, carefully omitting the pronoun. “And some folks from hospice at the end. They were amazing.”

“Hmm,” she said as she put down her pen and looked up at me. “I find this all very interesting.”

I wiped my nose with the tissue and sat back, exhausted from my brief display of emotion. “How so?”

“Well, that you are able to be so disciplined and focused in some parts of your life, however when it comes to your personal relationships, you’ve kind of put your own needs on hold. On the back burner so to speak.”

I sighed. “I guess you could say so. I’m working on it though.” Suddenly, I remembered the text message from Brad. “Guess what?”

Dr. Lerner looked surprised. “What?”

“You will be happy to hear I have a date next week.” I smiled, pleased tremendously that I had some evidence of being a
functional
human being to show my therapist.

“That’s great Natalie. When was the last time you had a date?”

I rolled my eyes up toward the ceiling. “Uh, years.”

“Are you excited?”

I paused before responding. I hadn’t had time to stop and think about that. But yes, of course I was. I mean, Brad was hot. “Yes. I am.”

“Good. That’s real good Natalie. Now just remember though, go slowly. You are still working with Mr. Andrews, and our agreement stipulates that both parties remain celibate during the work.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” I said. “It’s just coffee.”

Natalie

“So where’s this place?” I asked as Josh and I walked down the street from his hotel. It was a perfect summer afternoon: the sky was a brilliant blue, and the city was a warm seventy-eight degrees. Highly unusual for San Francisco.

“It’s just a few blocks over. You look gorgeous by the way.” After therapy, I’d gone home to change into some of my summer clothes, now that the weather had blessed us with non-artic numbers. I was wearing a red tank top and a flouncy white skirt and it felt great to get some sun on my bare skin.

“Thanks, Joshie. I can’t believe you’re leaving already. I feel like you just got here.”

“I know,” Josh said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. We hadn’t been
together
for years, but I still loved being in that nook. He was tall and broad shouldered, and I fit in there just perfectly. “But don’t worry LeeLee, you’re in San Francisco now. You know I’ll—”

“Natalie?”

As I looked up, my breath caught. I knew that voice.

“Ryan.” I stammered. “Um. Hi. What are you doing here?”

He chuckled and looked around. We were on the sidewalk. Crap. I hadn’t meant it to sound accusatory. Luckily, he didn’t take it that way.

“I’m just running a few errands.” He turned to Josh. “Hi, I’m Ryan,” he said, offering his hand.

“Josh,” he mirrored, “You didn’t mention you’d already made friends, LeeLee.”

Ryan turned toward me and raised an eyebrow at the name.

“It’s a nickname.” I muttered as I tried to send a secret message with my eyes.
Do not tell Josh how we know each other. Goddamn it Ryan, if you fuck this up, so help me…

“I met
LeeLee
at the library. She helped me find a book.”

I exhaled.

“Oh, that’s great. I’m glad she’s getting to know people in her new town.”

“Are you not from the city, Josh?” Ryan was standing up a little straighter now, and had crossed his arms. He was wearing the same leather jacket that he’d been wearing when we met, despite the warm weather. He was probably hot, but it was also H-O-T.

“No, I live in New York. Just out here on business. And to visit this gal, of course.” Josh pulled me in tighter and gave me a little squeeze.

I searched Ryan’s face for a reaction to the man next to me, but it was hard to glean much of anything. He had the same cool expression he used in his office. Finally he looked over at me, and I saw it.

His jaw twitched.

Oh, holy hell, his jaw twitched and I fucking caught it. I finally understood what was going on: he thought I was with Josh. Oh boy, that was hilarious. And hot— not the thought of me being with Josh, but that maybe, just maybe, I’d made Ryan Andrews jealous.

My heart soared like a kite caught in a tornado.

“We’re just headed to lunch,” Josh continued. “Wanna join us? We’re doing tacos a couple of blocks away.”

“Oh, thanks for the offer, but I have an appointment to make. Josh, good to meet you.” He turned to me and it was like a fire had erupted behind his eyes. “Natalie, have a good lunch. See you later?”

I nodded and after he was gone, I untangled myself from Josh as we resumed our walk to the restaurant. He was uncharacteristically quiet, which made me look up at him. He was smirking and staring right down at me.

“What?” I asked innocently.

“Oh no. Natalie Rose Reese, don’t you dare
what
me. You know exactly
what.
”

“I really don’t know
what
you are referring to.”

“Oh,
really
? I’m sorry, but did I just imagine that man-God on the street?” Josh stopped walking and pretended to look around, confused. “You better start talking—and fast— young lady.”

“Don’t young-lady me. We’re the same age. Look, let’s get to the restaurant and order first. I’m famished. Then I’ll tell you the whole story.”

But the truth was, I had no intention of telling Josh, or anyone, the whole story. Luckily, I’d become adept at this whole skirting-the-truth thing and I had my story ready by the time we took our seats at a little yellow table.

The waitress was just setting down water and menus when Josh zeroed in on me. “Okay. I waited. Now spill. How do you know Mr. Hot Motorcycle Man?”

I had to laugh. “Motorcycle Man?”

“LeeLee, he totally rides a motorcycle. Did you not see the leather jacket and the helmet he was carrying?”

I had seen the jacket, but I guess I had, uh, missed the helmet. I rubbed my hands together. They were sweaty, and not because of the weather. Dammit.

“I guess I was distracted.”

“Yeah, I could
see
that. Holy hell, LL, please tell me you’ve hit that.”

Once again, I was reminded that even Josh didn’t know my secret. Hell, I don’t think he even knew he was the last guy I’d kissed… I mean, until Ryan that is.

The thought of kissing Ryan put an immediate smile on my face, which I tried to hide by staring downward at the table.

“Well, you better get on that. I’m not going to press, but a man like that, he ain’t going to be single for long.”

“I don’t know Josh…”

“Oh come on, what is there to know? He’s hot, and he likes you.”

I scrunched up my face, but inside, I was doing cartwheels. “You think so?”

“Uh,
yeah.
Didn’t you see him get all alpha-male? I don’t think he liked seeing you with me. You should probably mention the gay thing next time you see him. Which better be soon. Do you know what sign he is? I
bet
he’s a Leo, maybe a Sag—”

Almost on cue, my phone started going off.

“Hang on, sorry, I forgot to turn the ringer off,” I said as I retrieved the phone from my bag. I glanced at the screen and my heart stopped— it wasn’t a call, it was a text. From
him.

Are you following the rules?

What the hell?

“Ohmygod— is that him?” Josh sat forward and tried to read my screen. “Girl, you are what they call ‘West Coast Successful.’ Were you ever beating guys away like this back East?”

“Hush!” I said pulling back so he couldn’t see. “Hang on. I need to answer this.” What was Ryan talking about, rules?

What rules?

He texted back instantaneously.

The contract. Was that your boyfriend?

Good thing we hadn’t ordered yet, because I would have choked on my taco.

LOL. No. Just my good friend Josh.

I waited about ten seconds before he texted back.

Cool, just making sure.

See you next week?

Yeah, but one question, and don’t take this the wrong way…

What’s your sign?

I paused, waiting for a response.

Leo

Why?

No reason. See you next week.

I put the phone, ringer off, back in my purse and returned to my dining companion.

“You were right.”

Josh looked at me askance. “Well, generally, yes, but what in particular are you referring to?”

“Leo,” I grinned.

“Girl…” Josh started, this time not even trying to disguise his smirk. “You got it baaad.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s enough of that. Shall we order?” I said, pulling the menu up to block my reddening face. “What’s supposed to be good here?” I said, trying to generate a new topic of conversation.

But somehow, I wasn’t hungry anymore.

Ryan

I put the phone down and rubbed my temples. Did I really just do that? Did I really just text a client to ask her if she had a boyfriend? Jesus Christ. Real mature, Andrews. I had just danced over so many ethical guidelines, it was sick. I was sick.

Fuck.

I don’t know what came over me. Seeing her in that short skirt, and with that guy’s arm around her— it’s like a fuse blew in my brain. And why did she ask me what my sign was?

I needed to be careful from here on out.

I sat down at my desk and opened my email. I was anxious for a report from Dr. Lerner. I was so curious about how Natalie was weathering all this change. Okay, scratch that. Yes, I was concerned for her well-being, but I also wanted to know if she’d said anything about me.

Real fuckin’ sixth grade, right?

I scanned my inbox and right there, second from the top one short line called my name.

“Update on P#1293”

SFCS used numbers instead of names on all documentation, to ensure total client confidentiality. Pretty CIA-smooth, huh? As I double clicked it to open the email, I could feel my pulse go through the roof.

To: Ryan Andrews

From: Dr. Lisa Lerner

Subject: Update on P#1293

Mr. Andrews,

I trust this email finds you well. I wanted to give you a quick update on P#1293.

We met this morning and had quite an illuminating discussion. I won’t drown you with the details (you can see my notes, attached), but suffice to say, I think we are off to a solid start.

One item to watch for is that the subject seems to be a case-study people-pleaser. It may require that you take extra steps to ensure she is genuinely learning from her work with you, rather than progressing simply because of her innate need to perform.

Please review the notes, and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to call me on Monday.

Regards,

Lisa

I re-read the email and her notes two more times, trying to find evidence of Natalie’s mutual attraction, but there was nothing. She’d betrayed nothing, passed no secret message through her doctor, nor had Lisa given up anything. The email sounded like every other client email.

My stomach felt like a kite caught in a tornado.