The Hands of Time (23 page)

I managed to keep busy during the day, but nights were the worst.  I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning, missing Finn at my side.  When I did eventually fall asleep, I would dream of him, waking up with tears of joy
,
only to find the bed empty and cold
;
Finn really dead.  I
’
m not sure what made me do it, but I got up one night and walked barefoot down the cold,
draughty
passage
,
up the stairs to Alec’s room.  I simply entered and climbed into bed with him, seeking the warmth of his body and the comfort of his soul.  He drew me against him, warming my cold feet between his legs
,
and whispering words of comfort.  I finally slept through the night warmed by his touch. 

I began coming into his room several times a week
.  H
e held me and comforted me until I fell asleep, but was always gone by
morning
;
off to hunt or ride, not wanting to face me in the cold light of day.  He never touched me
inappropriately
,
and I was half thankful, half frustrated
,
by his lack of desire.  He was distant and sad
,
and I hoped that in time we would be able to overcome our grief and find a way forward.

Chapter
4
1

Alec sat staring into the leaping flames in the hearth, the wind howling outside the window sounding like a woman wailing for a lost lover.  The world was covered with a thick blanket of snow
,
and the castle felt as if it was the only inhabited place left on earth.   The house around him was silent, everyone sound asleep
, as
he
drained
his glass of brandy and considered pouring another, but then stopped himself.  He was drinking too much again
,
and wouldn’t allow himself to get into a downward spiral the way he did after he lost
his parents, Violet
,
and then Rose
. 
He wondered where Rose was on this cold night
, hoping
that monastic life had given her what she had been seeking. 

Finlay refused to speak of Rose, calling her every name he
could
think of after she left, but Alec thought he understood.  He remembered holding Rose after she was born, pink and wrinkled, excited to have a sister.  He had been eight
-
years
-
old
,
and full of chivalrous ideas about protecting her virtue when she grew up and was at least five.  She had been the first girl to survive
infancy
,
and Alec dragged her everywhere with him
once she began walking
, annoying
five
-
year
-
old Finn, who just wanted to sword fight with sticks and hurl stones at the walls pretending he was breaching the castle after a long
siege
. 

Rose had always been different.  She never joined in their games, even as she got older
,
and they needed a fair maiden to rescue
;
preferring to read the Bible
,
and manuscripts about the lives of the saints.  As she got older and the subject of marriage came up, she retreated further into herself
, refusing any potential
suitor
.  The idea of belonging to a man and having no control over her body
,
terrified her as she watched their mother get with child yet again.  She covered her ears and cried without making a sound
,
as she sat on the top step
, rocking
back and forth in a fit of hysteria
,
as their
mother’s
screams echoed through the corridor laboring to bring Charlie into the world.  She didn’t even want to hold her new brother, repulsed by the act that brought him into
existence
. 

Rose was not meant for physical love and motherhood.  She ran away to hide behind the walls of the monastery
,
in a desperate attempt to retain control
,
and spare herself what she thought to be degrading and frightening.  He didn’t really blame
her;
he just wished that she hadn’t felt the need to cut them out of her life so completely.  Valerie and Finlay’s child were his only family
,
for the time being, until he saw Charlie again.

The thought of Valerie nearly undid his resolve not to get drunk
,
and he set the glass on the table, his eyes never leaving the fire.  Life
was
hell since the death of Finn.  He grieved his brother every moment of the day, tormented by guilt at not being able to save him from himself and from his fate.  He could see Finn in every corner of the castle, hear his voice in his thoughts
,
feel his presence in the form of his unborn child
,
and the tears of his desolate wife. 

Valerie had taken to coming into his bed at night seeking comfort and warmth
,
and as much as he longed to comfort her, her presence was a constant torment.  Feeling her body nestled close to him, her womanly smell filling his nostrils
,
he was being torn apart by desire and guilt.  He wasn’t sure how she would respond if he touched her, but even if she welcomed him
,
it would only be out of loneliness and grief.  She didn’t want him
;
she wanted Finlay.  For his own part, the guilt of lusting after his brother’s wife was overwhelming, especially so soon after his death
.  H
e swore to himself that he would make no move until enough time had passed
,
and Valerie wanted him to.  He promised Finn he would marry Valerie
,
and he would do it tomorrow if he had to, but the marriage bed would have to come later.  It
was not
enough to have Valerie’s body
;
he wanted her soul too
,
and that would take time.

Alec arose from his chair and smoored the fire before going to bed. 
He braced himself for another sleepless night
,
as Valerie snuggled against him and nearly drove him to madness with her nearness.  Some days
,
he thought it would be easier to just take a knife and castrate himself
,
than endure another night of frustrated desire.

Chapter
4
2

I was dreaming.  I had to be
,
because Finlay was alive and sound asleep next to me in the gr
a
y light of early morning.  I pulled open the bed curtains slightly
,
to watch the large flakes of snow falling silently from the leaden sky and twirling to the ground, covering everything in sight.  The world was a study of white and gr
a
y, silent and dreamy.  Even the dogs were
quiet
, no doubt asleep in their warm kennel.  I lay quietly, enjoying the warm weight of Finn’s arm holding me close
,
and happiness flooded through me to know that he was still alive, not broken and dead, lying in his lonely grave by the Abbey. 

Finn sensed my wakefulness
,
and pulled me into a warm embrace before getting out of bed and cursing profusely,
crouching
by the hearth to rekindle the fire.  It was awfully cold
,
and I was glad once the flames merrily crackled
,
once again raising the arctic temperature in the room.   Finn dove back into bed, warming his frozen feet against my calves
,
and making me squirm and giggle.    It didn’t take him long to get other ideas
,
and he slid under the covers, pulling up my nightdress and kissing my swollen belly, silently proclaiming love for our unborn child.  His kisses headed
south
and I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation
and
trembling with desire.  Finn came back up
,
and as he raised himself above me, green eyes turned to amber and suddenly it was Alec, his eyes never leaving mine as he claimed my inflamed body for his own.  I welcomed him
without reservation
,
and he took what had been denied him for so long.

I woke up drenched in sweat and shaking with
need
,
to find Alec sound asleep next to me.  It was still fully dark
,
and I felt a wave of shame at the thought of betraying Finn with Alec, even in a dream.  As I silently berated myself, my body longed for the touch of the man next to me
,
and I moved
away,
careful not to wake him.  It was just the pregnancy hormones that were surging through my body.  I knew I loved Alec
,
but I wasn’t ready for our relationship to change
.  Finlay had been my lover
,
and I would mourn him until I was ready to love again.

Chapter
4
3

The
w
inter finally began to give way to
s
pring
,
and the castle began to come back to life. 
Purple heads of crocuses were poking through the snow
-
covered earth of the garden
,
and the drip
-
drip of melting snow could be heard in the middle of the day
,
when the sun was
at its
warmest.  It all froze again at night, but
spring
was definitely on the way.  Alec would go into Plymouth by the end of the month to start making arrangements for the first shipment of the season.  He was itching to get back to work
,
and
have something to occupy him
, taking
his mind off Finn’s death. 

I was amazed by the size of my belly
,
and the little person inside was getting bigger and kicking a lot harder, making me double over in pain
sometimes
as a tiny foot rammed me in the ribs with all the force it could muster.  I was anxious about the birth, but I tried to keep my fears to myself
,
knowing Alec was also worried.  He had lost everyone he loved
,
and if anything happened to me
,
I knew he would go mad.  Bridget had delivered her share of babies back home, but I wanted a real doctor, so Alec arranged with Dr. Marsh to come as soon as I felt the first pains.  The doctor would not openly deny Alec, but his attitude towards us had changed since Finlay’s arrest.  We were persona non grata now
,
and we would be reminded
of it
at every turn. 

Despite my fear, I was looking forward to the birth of the baby
,
and was more than ready to be alone in my body
again.  I
couldn’t
get comfortable during the day or at night
,
and was exhausted from lack of sleep due to my night wakings to use the pot. 
Come
soon
baby
, I thought to myself,
urging
my little
tenant
to make an appearance. 

I woke up on the
morning
of March 15
th
feeling achy and tired
,
and forced myself to get out of bed.  Alec had already gone
.
I used the chamber pot and went back to my room to get dressed for the day.  My back was hurting more th
a
n usual
,
so
I walked around the dining room massaging my lower back with my fists, pressing them harder and harder trying to alleviate th
e pain.  I saw Bridget watching me as she poured me a cup of tea and placed a warm bun on my plate.  She was just about to say something when Alec walked in, looking invigorated and smelling of cold and pine. 

“Best go fetch the physician, Mr. Alec,” Bridget said
,
giving me a knowing smile.  “I think we might have a baby before day’s end.”

“What?” we both turned to her surprised.  “Pardon me for say
ing
in front of the Master, but I
have
seen enough births to know how they start. 
‘
Tis back labor you are having, Mistress.  
‘Twill not
be long now
afore
it comes on full force. 
Best get the doctor.”