The Guarded Heart (6 page)

Chapter 12

August 2015

Ryder

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it Friday night.

Sam

I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything ok?

Ryder

I thought I was ready but I’m not. It wouldn’t be fair to you.

Sam

I understand. Give me a call when you are.

Ryder swore under his breath as he tossed his phone on the bed and went into the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and filled his hands with cold water and splashed his face. He felt dizzy and a dull pain thudded at the back of his head. His eyes went to the mirror and he frowned at his reflection. He was pale and his eyes looked tired and empty as water dripped from his beard. The muscle in the corner of his jaw twitched as he fought to contain the sob that clawed at his throat. He grabbed a towel and mopped at his face before he flicked off the light and stumbled toward his bed. There was nothing left, his body felt heavy and drained as he fell face first onto the mattress.

He was never going to move on. Every time he thought he was ready, something triggered a memory and the world was pulled out from under his feet. He tried pretending he was over Clint and the consequences had been terrible. After that, Ryder vowed to be completely honest with himself and anyone that might get hurt. Living with his own heartbreak was bad enough, he didn’t need to compound it with guilt and regret.

He reached for a pillow and pulled it against his face to block out the light and make the world seem smaller. He couldn’t deal with the idea that somewhere outside of his apartment Clint knew he was back and was thinking about him. The other guy made Ryder’s stomach churn. Jonathan. He was campy and slight and totally wrong for Clint.

Ryder groaned as he pushed his face into the pillow and considered keeping it there until he suffocated. He wasn’t Clint’s type either and look where they ended up. Every time he took someone’s number or gave his, it was to someone that was the complete opposite of Clint in every way possible and it ended in frustration and disappointment or disaster. Things that worked for Ryder before Clint were all wrong. Those two minutes he spent standing in front of the coffee shop with Clint were the first time in sixteen months Ryder didn’t feel dead from the neck down.

“It doesn’t matter, you’re going to stay away from him. You can’t go through all of that again,” he said as he toed off his shoes and pulled his knees to his chest. He swung the blanket over his head and shut the world out.

Chapter 13

February 2013

Ryder whistled as he jogged up the steps to Clint’s front door and grinned as Barkley jumped excitedly on the other side of the glass. He would never admit it, but he preferred hanging out at Clint’s. The sex was phenomenal and Ryder loved spending time with Clint but he was kind of in love with Barkley. He knocked and ducked down so he could tap the glass in front of Barkley’s nose. The door pulled open and Ryder lost his breath as he looked up at Clint. He was shirtless and a sheen of sweat coated his skin. He was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and his hands were filthy.

“Come on in,” Clint said before he turned and left Ryder on the doorstep. Ryder checked his chin for drool then stepped in and shut the door behind him. His cock pressed angrily against the front of his jeans and he grimaced as he shook his leg and adjusted. He walked past the kitchen and peeked into the laundry room and a weak groan slipped from him as he stared down at Clint. He was laying on the floor with his head in the back of his dryer.

“What are you doing?” Ryder rasped.

“My dryer broke and I’m fixing it,” he muffled and Ryder nodded faintly.

“You can do that?” He asked and Clint chuckled.

“I’m learning,” he said as he turned a wrench.

“I didn’t know you could fix things,” Ryder murmured and his head tilted as he admired the twisting and flexing of the muscles in Clint’s arm.

“I rewired the house for all the automation,” he said and Ryder didn’t know what that meant but it made his balls ache. “I end up repairing or upgrading something every time I get bored,” Clint said and Ryder bit his lip.

“Are you almost done?” He asked and Clint slid out from under the dryer and frowned up at Ryder.

“No but I can stop whenever. Why?” He asked and Ryder untucked his shirt as he backed out of the laundry room.

“You need to stop now. I’m going to get naked and you had better be right behind me,” he said as he pulled his shirt over his head. Clint rose and Ryder’s eyes went to the hard-on tenting the front of his sweatpants. Ryder exhaled loudly then licked his lips as he looked at Clint. “Christ, I need you to fuck me so hard,” he begged as he dropped his shirt and Clint growled as he rushed toward Ryder. His eyes flared and he jumped as Clint’s body slammed into his.

Clint’s lips crushed Ryder’s brutally as his tongue thrust urgently into Ryder’s mouth. Clint pulled Ryder against his chest and his toes came off the floor as Clint propelled them through the kitchen. Ryder grunted as his back hit a wall and Clint raised his head and gasped as he jerked Ryder’s fly open then grabbed Ryder’s shoulders and spun him. A rush of heat and anticipation swept through Ryder as his jeans and boxer briefs were pushed down his legs. Clint turned Ryder and pushed him toward the bedroom and he tripped as his legs tangled in his pants. Clint’s arm wrapped around Ryder’s chest and he hissed as Clint’s hand wrapped around his cock and he was lifted and shoved through the door. Clint tugged at Ryder’s length as they stumbled through the room then tackled him to the floor next to the nightstand. Ryder grunted into the thick rug as Clint pinned him and twisted his fingers in Ryder’s hair.

“How hard do you want it?” His breath was a steamy, minty huff against Ryder’s cheek and his eyes rolled as Clint’s cock thrust against the cleft of his ass.

“Do your worst,” he dared and Clint’s laugh was hoarse as he rose and pulled the nightstand drawer open. It slammed shut and Ryder heard a condom wrapper ripping and raised his hips in invitation and Clint cursed as he leaned back on his heels.

“God, I love fucking you,” Clint groaned and Ryder hummed in delight as slick fingers pushed into his hole. They probed and twisted then withdrew and a moment later Ryder exhaled slowly as stinging heat filled his passage. He pushed back as Clint thrust and they both moaned when Clint’s sack pressed against Ryder’s ass. “So fucking tight,” Clint panted as he rolled his hips and Ryder’s fingers splayed and clawed at the rug. Clint’s cock ground against Ryder’s prostate and he screamed Clint’s name as his nerves sparked and his vision blurred.

“Harder!” Ryder urged as he tightened around Clint.

Clint’s hands locked around Ryder’s shoulders and he hissed as Clint’s hips slammed into his ass. The sound of skin slapping relentlessly against skin filled the room and Ryder clenched his jaw to keep from screaming or biting his tongue as pressure gripped his balls and swelled into his shaft. Pleasure and heat coiled as his muscles tightened and Ryder bucked and writhed as Clint thrust hard and deep. Lighting streaked through Ryder’s veins and he screamed as his nerves exploded and come pumped from the end of his cock. Ryder felt a hint of guilt about Clint’s rug but it went up in smoke as Clint’s fingernails scraped down his back as he arched and froze. A long gasp filled the room before Clint drove hard and started to convulse behind Ryder. Ryder shivered and grinned into the rug as Clint panted and twitched.

“I really, really love fucking you,” he mumbled as he pulled out and fell back on his heels and Ryder laughed as he pushed off the floor with shaking arms.

“I hope you didn’t love your rug,” he said as he wrinkled his nose and Clint snorted as he waved dismissively.

“I’ll shampoo it later, it won’t leave a stain,” he said and Ryder offered a sarcastic thumbs up as he rolled onto his side and tried to sit. His hip muscles and ass protested and he groaned. “Get in the bed,” Clint commanded as he got to his feet and offered Ryder a hand. Clint pulled him to his feet then pushed on his chest, causing Ryder to fall onto the bed. He turned toward the door as Ryder crawled for the pillows. “I’m going to make myself a sandwich,” Clint announced. “Want one?” He asked and Ryder moaned happily.

“You’re going to make someone an excellent wife one day,” Ryder teased and he heard Clint snort.

“That’s a no, then?” He asked and Ryder raised his head and frowned.

“Please?” He offered and Clint laughed.

“I’ll think about it,” he yelled from the hall.

Chapter 14

April 2013

“I don’t like that you’re always around,” Shannon said as she stirred her iced coffee and Ryder’s head swung toward her.

“What?” He asked as he bounced Violet on his knee and idly scanned the playground for the twins.

“You’ve been seeing this Clint guy for weeks but nothing’s changed. Usually, when a girl gets a new boyfriend, she ditches her friends,” she said and Ryder rolled his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed Violet’s head.

“This isn’t a bad thing, you know,” he said and she raised a brow as she sucked on her straw. “I love helping you with the kids and I love that you’re not losing your mind because you’re stuck with them by yourself all the time,” Ryder argued and she raised a shoulder.

“But I want you to be in love and I want your life to change,” she said and he snorted.

“I kind of like my life the way it is and thought it was cool that I didn’t have to change anything to be with Clint,” he said and Shannon pulled a face.

“I don’t think I like him,” she declared and Ryder’s head pulled back.

“You haven’t even met him,” he pointed out and she gave him a bored look.

“And that doesn’t seem like a problem?” She asked and Ryder shook his head slowly as he stared at Violet.
What would Clint say if you invited him to hang out with Shannon and the kids?
He wondered.

“We don’t really hang out like that,” he said and her head cocked forward. “I go over in the evenings when he’s home and I usually spend the night. He works long hours on the weekends so I meet him for brunch on Saturdays then we chill at his place all day until he goes out Saturday night. I’ll crash there and he wakes me up when he gets in on Sunday and we’ll chill some more,” Ryder explained and Shannon threw her hands up.

“How is that different than me and Paul?” She asked and Ryder shrugged. “We hang out like that but you still see him a few times a week. You even have a meal or two with him,” Shannon said and he nodded in agreement.

“I do. But that’s because I’m always around. He doesn’t have to go out of his way to see me,” he said and her lips twisted.

“He would though,” she said. “He’d do it because you’re important to me. He knows you’re welcome anywhere I am because you’re awesome and I love you,” Shannon said and Ryder felt gratitude and a tiny bit of guilt bubbling within him. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

“And I love you,” he said and Violet bounced and gurgled excitedly in his lap. “And you too, Vi,” Ryder whispered as he raised her chunky fist to his lips and kissed it. “When we get to a place where we’re serious like that, I’ll bring him with me,” Shannon opened her mouth to argue and Ryder held up his hand, halting her. “Right now, it’s just a lot of really good sex and being laid back until it’s time for more really good sex. I like Clint a lot but he’s got lots of walls and he’s very big on keeping things compartmentalized. His private life is private and it doesn’t merge with his professional or social life. He asks me if I want to go out with him at night but I know I’ll just be hanging back and watching him do his thing,” Ryder explained and her nose wrinkled.

“Your boyfriend doesn’t sound very fun or romantic,” she pointed out and he shrugged.

“I’m having a lot of fun,” he offered her a cocky grin and she elbowed him. “I don’t know if we’re boyfriends yet,” Ryder said and she snorted.

“You better be boyfriends,” she warned. “If not, you’re just a piece of ass on the side and you’re too good for that,” Shannon said and Ryder shook his head.

“I don’t get that feeling from him,” he said. “He definitely cares and likes being with me. He’s really wary about letting work interfere with his relationships. I guess it’s caused problems in the past,” Ryder said.

“As long as that’s all it is,” she stipulated and Ryder nodded.

“I’m pretty sure that’s it,” he said as he handed Violet over. “I’m going to go chase the boys and wear them out so they’ll take a long nap for you,” Ryder announced as he stood and Shannon waved.

“By all means, I could use a nap myself,” she said and he grinned as he stalked toward the playground. Ryder channeled his inner cheetah as Oliver ran past and ignored the tiny itch of doubt in the back of his brain.

Chapter 15

“Couldn’t you just give me a key like a normal person?” Ryder asked and Clint snorted as he took Ryder’s phone.

“Look. You tap the app and enter the code. The door unlocks. Ta-dah!” He said as the door clicked and Ryder shrugged as he took his phone and shoved it in his back pocket and Clint groaned as he slid his arms around Ryder and pulled him against his chest. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with me? I’ll miss you,” he complained and Ryder shook his head as he pressed his lips to Clint’s, letting them cling and slide as he wrapped his hands around Clint’s ass.

“I have to work Friday and you’ll be out all night,” he murmured. “I’ll barely see you. I’d rather stay and hang out with Barkley,” he said and Clint pushed his lip out and Ryder nipped it before releasing Clint and heading for the couch. “You know, it loses a bit of charm.” Ryder pulled his phone out of his pocket and set it on the ottoman. “Telling my friends that my boyfriend gave me an app and the code for his house isn’t as exciting as having a key,” he said as he put his feet on the ottoman and Clint cringed as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Feet off,” he ordered and Ryder’s lips pulled tight as he set them on the floor.

“This is why spools make good coffee tables,” he grumbled and Clint rolled his eyes as he sat next to Ryder.

“Are you telling people I’m your boyfriend?” He asked and Ryder raised a brow and jerked his head at his phone.

“I have the code,” he said and Clint beat his knuckle against his lip and Ryder narrowed his eyes as he watched him. “It’s been like two and a half months, Clint. I sleep over here more than I do at my apartment and I put up with you being a dick about your ottoman,” Ryder argued and Clint nodded.

“I know but as soon as we start putting labels on it, it’ll go to shit,” he warned and Ryder grinned as he leaned close and flicked Clint’s earlobe with his tongue.

“You should try thinking positive,” he whispered.

“Thinking positive is what makes a cable spool a coffee table,” he said and Ryder shrugged.

“It does a great job holding up my coffee cups,” he pointed out and Clint snorted as he grabbed Ryder’s wrist and held up his hand.

“It looks like shit and you end up with splinters.” He dropped Ryder’s hand and stood. Ryder grinned as he looked at a particularly deep splinter in his palm.

“It’s my daily dose of masculinity,” he declared and Clint laughed as he went into his bedroom.

“Come on, you can get your daily dose of masculinity while you’re fucking me,” he called and Ryder jumped to his feet, flicked his nose with his thumb and nodded.

“That’ll work,” he said as he followed.