The Great Rabbit Revenge Plan (5 page)

‘Of course not just like that.' Fridz sticks her finger through the meshing to make the rabbit come close enough for her to run her fingers through its fur.

‘So what's the story, then?' says Konrad.

‘Bah,' says Fridz. ‘Mum and Dad don't love each other any more. Shortly before we moved in here, they decided to separate. That's all.'

‘Oh,' says Konrad. ‘So that's why your packing cases haven't all been unpacked yet?'

‘If that was all, it wouldn't be so bad,' says Fridz. ‘Everything is upside down. Mum sits for half the day at the kitchen table crying. She can't manage anything. At least it's the holidays.'

Konrad finally spots an opportunity to steer the conversation in a different direction.

‘Will you be going to school here too?' he says.

‘Sure. Where else would I go?'

‘What class are you going into?'

‘Fifth.'

‘Hey!' says Konrad. ‘Me too! We can walk together in the mornings.'

Oh no! How did he let this sentence out of his mouth? Walking to school with a girl! That'll make a fine impression in his new class. But on the other hand, Konrad wants to say something nice to this girl. He's not quite sure why.

‘Yeah, sure we can.'

She says nothing more for a while, and then she says, ‘By the way, I can't do anything today. I have to go with Mum to see her solicitor. But I'll have time tomorrow. Will you come over tomorrow?'

For the second time today, Konrad is aware that he is blushing. Oh, you great big idiot! What is this going to lead to? To carrying a fat rabbit around, that's what. Or even to playing with dolls! What can he say? There is one possible solution. ‘Have you got a computer?' he asks carefully. It must sound as if there is no question of his hanging around with people who haven't got a computer.

‘Sure,' says Fridz. ‘I have my dad's old one. And I have
Crazy Bugs 3.'

‘What?!' cries Konrad. ‘Is
Crazy Bugs 3
out already?'

‘Sure. Haven't you seen it? On level four, there are much bigger nets. Hey, listen, let's meet up tomorrow after lunch, say about two?'

Konrad nods.

‘Well, bye then,' says Fridz. She gives a little wave and disappears into the house.

Five minutes later, Konrad Bantelmann is walking very
slowly all the way along Hedwig Dransfeld Strasse with his list of children in his pocket. He is making for 17a. He has no interest any more in checking out number 28a or number 29a or any other number. All he can do is repeat to himself over and over again, ‘I have a date with a girl. I have a date with a girl.'

When he arrives at number 17a, the blue Passat is just pulling up. Out of it come a pretty rattled-looking Mum and a pretty tearful-looking Peter. Konrad just stands on the pavement and says, quite loudly by way of greeting, ‘By the way, I have a date with a girl tomorrow.'

‘Don't worry,' says Mum. ‘Everyone has to go through it at some stage.'

‘She's called Friederike, but she calls herself Fridz. Fridz with a d.'

‘You'd want to watch out,' says Mum. ‘That sounds pretty frisky for starters.'

Then she takes the tearful Peter in her arms and carries him into the house. Konrad remains standing on the pavement. He stares at the little beech hedge in the front garden of number 17a and at the flowery net curtains in the kitchen window and at the nameplate on which the names of the Bantelmanns are written in loopy writing. Tomorrow, 28b. What has he let himself in for?

The Jelly Crystal

On the evening of this thought-provoking Monday, the mood in the Bantelmanns' house is a bit tense. Peter has been crying all afternoon, more or less. No, he says, it doesn't hurt any more. But he only has to think of the dentist, and the tears just come, he can't help it. But Mum swears it can't hurt now, nor can it have hurt before, because the dentist did nothing except look in Peter's mouth and say that everything is fine. But Peter won't hear of it. He has somehow got hold of the idea that going to the dentist is a dreadful thing, even if he doesn't go near your teeth. Konrad views his younger brother with respect. Smart lad.

Dad is not in a great mood either. He's been to the bank, and they recalculated how long it is going to take to pay off the mortgage on the new house. Completely. Including interest. Interest is a stupid word, anyway. What is so interesting about wringing money out of people? In any event, the calculations were not a lot of fun and Dad said a few things that Mum definitely did not want to hear.

Konrad hasn't exactly had the most amusing afternoon of his life either. Quite the opposite. In the first place, he spent a lot of time repeating the sentence ‘I have a date with a girl,' and every time, it sounded worse than before. And then he wanted to work on his list, and that wasn't so very
thrilling either, because after ‘28b' and ‘Fridz (with a d)', he had to put in the third column ‘has
Crazy Bugs 3'
and ‘has a horrible rabbit', two things that don't really go together. The worst thing, though, was that he also had to write in the third column ‘is a girl'. There was hardly any room for it, and afterwards, he felt as if the whole list had been ruined.

At least he had the rest of the story of the forest snake to look forward to.

‘Where were we?' says Dad, lying down between the two boys.

‘At Dr B. A. Deceiver,' says Konrad.

‘That's right,' says Dad. ‘We finished yesterday with the account of how Anabasis, the forest snake, successfully foiled Deceiver's attempt to gain possession of the crystal and to steal the scientific work of the great Professor Franzkarl Findouter.'

‘Hmm,' says Konrad. ‘By the way, is Findouter married?'

‘I beg your pardon?' says Dad.

‘Is Findouter married?' Konrad repeated. He wriggles up a bit higher as he speaks and accidentally kicks Dad someplace.

‘Since you ask,' says Dad, ‘I'd say … well, I'd say Franzkarl Findouter has been married for the past twelve years to the charming E … E … Evelyn, and they have two wonderful sons.'

This makes Peter and Konrad laugh a lot, because it sounds familiar.

‘And,' says Konrad, ‘did she come with him, this Frau Evelyn?'

‘No! What a thought! She is at home, of course, minding the two wonderful sons. But what's your interest in this?'

‘Yeah,' says Peter, ‘what's your interest?' It doesn't seem to interest him.

‘Just …' says Konrad.

‘So, may I continue?'

Is Dad sounding a bit irritable?

‘Sure,' says Konrad.

‘Well, then.' Evidently, Dad has a pretty shrewd idea about what is going to happen next. When he doesn't know what is going to happen next, he's quite happy to spend time answering questions, but when he does know, he finds interruptions very annoying.

‘Well,' he says again, ‘the next day, the experts get a pretty good indication that not only have they found a hitherto totally unknown material, but it is one with earth-shattering properties.'

‘Wow!' says Peter.

‘Exactly,' says Dad. ‘The next day, Franzkarl Findouter and his colleagues try to extract the crystal. They scoop the earth of the extraordinary mound carefully away from the cone of crystal, and when they finally see the top of the crystal there in front of them, then of course the first thing they think of doing is to break off a piece to use as a sample for analysis.

‘But the forest snake!' says Peter, all excited.

‘Exactly,' says Dad. ‘The forest snake obviously wants to prevent what Professor Findouter has in mind. But now in the clear light of day, there is nothing it can do. It would be
spotted immediately, and although it is big and strong, the whole research team would have no problem in overcoming and capturing it.'

‘Where would they put it?' asks Peter.

‘How would I know?' says Dad. ‘I haven't a clue. But if five men have captured a giant snake and they are hanging onto it for dear life with all their strength, then you can be sure that one of them will think of someplace where they can shut it in. I have complete confidence in the imagination of people who have a giant wriggling snake on their hands.'

‘Maybe in a suitcase,' says Konrad. He wants to get past this interruption and get on with the story.

‘So anyway,' says Dad, a little crossly, ‘the scientists unpack their precision tools, and among them is a little supersharp crystal saw. They start into the crystal with it and there is this dreadful screaming sound – '

‘Eeeeeee!' goes Peter.

‘A sound just like that. And at last a piece of the crystal as big as your fist falls off.'

‘Wow,' says Peter.

‘And now,' says Dad, ‘this is when the amazing thing happens. The researchers have hardly got the cut-off piece of crystal over to their measuring instruments when the hard substance suddenly turns into a soft, amorphous, utterly slimy something.'

‘Eeeeeee!' shouts Peter.

‘Yes! What was previously harder than stone is now suddenly softer than yoghurt. So soft that it won't even stay
lying on the examination table but falls down – splat – onto the forest floor and gloops like … like … like …'

‘Like jelly?' suggests Konrad.

‘Yes! Of course. Like jelly!'

‘Raspberry or lime?' Peter wants to know.

Dad explains to him that it's a simile, and that as far as this simile is concerned, flavour doesn't come into it. And now Peter is offended.

‘So anyway,' says Dad. ‘Now, the jelly crystal doesn't just stay on the ground. On the contrary, to the unbounded astonishment of the foregathered scientists under the leadership of Professor Franzkarl Findouter, the lump of jelly starts to creep towards the crystal.'

‘Can jelly creep?' asks Peter. He still hasn't clocked what a simile is. So that he doesn't feel offended again, Konrad and Dad let on not to have heard his question at all.

‘Before the eyes of the bewildered scientists,' Dad goes on, ‘the transformed piece of crystal is moving faster and faster up the slope of the extraordinary mound. When it reaches the top of the crystal, it slithers back into place. And no sooner is it sitting back in its old place than it hardens again and it sticks to the rest of the substance so that you can't see any more where it was hacked off just a few minutes earlier.'

‘Wow,' says Peter.

‘Yes,' says Dad. ‘It's unbelievable. Behaviour like this has never before been observed in any substance on earth; not in stones or in plants or in animals. Of course, things that have been cut off do occasionally grow back –'

‘Like Uncle Hermann's little toe,' says Peter.

‘That's right,' says Dad. ‘But it never happens by itself. Not even with Uncle Hermann. No way did his toe creep to his foot and stick itself back on. In fact, Uncle Hermann and his toe had to be taken to hospital to get sewn back together again.'

Peter and Konrad remember this event well. It happened last summer. Uncle Hermann, the caretaker in Danziger Strasse, had cut off his little toe while he was cutting the grass. Two days later, he got out of hospital with a big fat bandage around his foot. From then on, he told everyone who happened to come by the whole ghastly story. And if by chance you came by more than once, you still got the whole story every time. Several weeks later, the bandage was taken off, and Konrad and Peter were allowed to look and see exactly where the toe had been sewn onto Uncle Hermann's foot. When they think of it now, they get a funny feeling in their tummies and they go very quiet.

‘What's wrong?' asks Dad. ‘How come you're so quiet?'

‘Nothing, nothing. Go on with the story!'

‘Isn't it a quarter past yet?'

‘Not for ages!'

‘Well,' says Dad, ‘so there they stand, these important researchers. And on the one hand, there is enormous shock on their faces. But on the other hand, they are starting to get the message that the powers of this extraordinary crystal are much more extraordinary and mysterious than had previously been thought. There can be no more doubt about it. They will get the famous Nobble Prize for their research. Maybe even several Nobble Prizes. One each would be best.
So that each of them can buy half a duplex house and pay for it, money down. Ahh.' Dad stops for a moment.

‘Dad,' says Konrad. ‘What happens when you separate?'

‘I beg your pardon?' says Dad. And – this is very unusual for him – he makes an unplanned movement and nearly gets Peter on the nose. ‘What do you mean?' he asks.

‘I mean, what do people do when they separate?'

‘Who's getting separated?' asks Dad. He's suddenly very tense.

‘A man and a woman.'

‘Which man and which woman?'

‘I don't know!' Now Konrad is a bit upset. ‘Just … Or …' He thinks for a moment. ‘Maybe Franzkarl and Evelyn Findouter.'

‘They're not getting separated,' says Dad.

‘But if they were?'

‘They aren't.'

‘Yes, but,' says Konrad, ‘Imagine that they are. You can imagine anything. What happens when people separate?'

‘What happens!' says Dad. ‘What happens!' How should he know? And anyway, Dad does not want to imagine that a prospective Nobble Prizewinner is separating from the mother of his wonderful sons.

‘Please,' says Konrad. And then he says the magic words that Mum sometimes uses: ‘For my sake, okay?'

‘Well,' says Dad. ‘What happens when people separate? Probably the two people don't love each other any more. They're always fighting and so they just separate. The wife stays on in the house, the husband gets himself a little flat and
then they go to court to decide who gets how much of their joint money, and who gets to keep what furniture. And that's it.'

‘But if they have children.'

‘What about it?'

‘Can you get separated even if you have children?'

Dad goes: ‘Hrrmph!' Then he says, ‘Yes. You can get separated even if you have children. Where did you hear about it?'

‘About what?'

‘About this separation business.'

‘Just,' says Konrad.

That seems to satisfy Dad. On the evening of a day where he goes to the bank in the afternoon to have them calculate his mortgage payments, he's probably happy if at least there are no major problems with the serial story. He tells a bit more about the astonishment of the researchers and then they all have a think about what the researchers might do to stop the jelly crystal from creeping away. None of them can come up with a solution, and at exactly a quarter past eight, Dad gives the two boys a goodnight kiss.

This evening, Konrad goes straight to his own bed. Apparently the two mice have nothing to discuss. Peter seems to fall asleep immediately, but Konrad lies awake for some time. He can hear his parents talking downstairs in the living room. He can't make out what they are saying. But they're not fighting anyway. And when he is quite sure about that, Konrad falls asleep.