Read The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong Online
Authors: A.J. Adams
The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong (6 page)
(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)
M
E
: “What—”
C
USTOMER
: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” *zips up and runs out*
C
OWORKER
: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”
M
E
: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”
U
SED
B
OOKSTORE
| N
EW
J
ERSEY
(I’m helping my coworker check out a college-age girl at a used book sale.)
C
OWORKER
: “Your total is $6.”
C
USTOMER
: “I thought each book was $1!”
C
OWORKER
: “No, you have three hardcovers, which are $2 each, and one paperback, which is free because you are buying three other books.”
C
USTOMER
: “I thought they were a dollar each. Fine, I just want these, then …”
(She hands me one hardcover and the paperback.)
C
OWORKER, TO ME
: “IS this a regular paperback or a children’s? They’re different prices.”
C
USTOMER
: “You know what, it doesn’t matter! I’ll just pay the entire dollar for it. Fifty cents is not a huge deal! God!”
(My coworker looks at me and shrugs. We take the customer’s money and she leaves angrily.)
C
OWORKER
: “What books did she decide not to get?”
M
E
: *reading the title* “How to Talk So People Will Listen.”
C
OFFEE
S
HOP
| B
OSTON
, M
ASSACHUSETTS
(Note: The women’s bathroom in our store has a large handicapped stall, which also holds an eight-foot-tall locked wooden storage cabinet for supplies.)
C
OWORKER
: “Thanks for calling *** Coffee, how can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “Hi, is this *** Coffee?”
C
OWORKER
: “Yes it is. How can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “This is the *** Coffee in *** Square?”
C
OWORKER
: “Yes, it is.”
C
USTOMER
: “The one with the bathroom?”
C
OWORKER
: “Uhhh … yes?”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, well, I’m calling from the women’s room. The door is locked and I can’t get out.”
C
OWORKER
: “Well, if you turn the handle of the door and pull it should open.”
C
USTOMER
: “There is no handle! I’m locked in!”
C
OWORKER
: “Okay, I’ll have someone over in a moment.”
C
OWORKER, TO ME
: “Ummm … so some lady locked herself in the bathroom and can’t get out.”
M
E
: “Seriously?”
(I head over to the bathroom, letting myself in with the spare keys. There is in fact a woman in the large stall, yelling for help.)
M
E
: “Can I help you, ma’am?”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, your stupid door locked me into the stall and now I’m stuck in here!”
(I can hear her fumbling with something, but it isn’t the stall door latch.)
M
E
: “Okay, well, if you’ll just come over to the stall door, turning the knob should open it.”
C
USTOMER
: “There is nothing to turn! The door only has a handle!”
M
E
: “It does. I’m standing on the other side of it.”
C
USTOMER
: “Well, then why don’t YOU open it! You’ve already kept me locked in here for a half hour!”
(I fiddle with the lock and manage to open it from the outside after a moment, only to see the woman prying at the supply cabinet door.)
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, I came in this door. I thought that one …” *points to supply cabinet* “… led to the men’s room.”
(Without another word, she walks out of the bathroom and out of the store.)
C
OWORKER
: “Maybe she was trying to get to Narnia?”
B
ANK
| S
OUTH
C
AROLINA
M
E
: “Hello this is ***. How can I help you?”
C
USTOMER
: “I need to speak with Jennifer.”
M
E
: “I’m sorry, we don’t have a Jennifer at this branch.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, wait…Jennifer is MY name!”
F
ENCING
C
LUB
| C
ANADA
M
E
: “Hello, ****** Fencing Club.”
C
USTOMER
: “Hi, I’m looking for some galvanized pipe.”
M
E
: “I’m sorry, I think you may be confused. This is a fencing club … you know, the sport. We don’t actually make fences.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh … you see, I’m making a cage for a parrot. Do you have any galvanized pipe?”
M
E
: “No, I don’t think you understand. We don’t have material for building fences, we do sword fighting here. It’s a sport. Foils, epees, sabers.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, okay … it needs to be galvanized so that it won’t chip if the parrot bites it.”
M
E
: “I don’t think you’re following me. We don’t build fences here, and we don’t have pipe.”
C
USTOMER
: “Oh, I see … you see, I need to make the cage for a movie set, and it needs to be galvanized so that it doesn’t chip if the parrot bites it.”
M
E
: *giving up* “Galvanized pipe, you say?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah.”
M
E
: “Try the Soccer Center.”
C
USTOMER
: “The Soccer Center?”
M
E
: “Yeah, the Soccer Center.”
D
RUGSTORE
| N
EW
J
ERSEY
(I’m eighteen, working at a local drugstore, when a customer in his seventies comes in.)
C
USTOMER
: “WOW, you’re beautiful!”
M
E
: “Oh, thank you.”
C
USTOMER
: “How old are you?”
M
E
: “Um, eighteen.”
C
USTOMER
: “Wow! You know, I have golf balls that old!”
E
LECTRONICS
S
TORE
| T
ORONTO
, C
ANADA
C
USTOMER
: “Hello, I just bought this iPod, and I can’t make it go.”
M
E
: “What’s the problem?”
C
USTOMER
: “It won’t go.”
M
E
: “Okay, how exactly?”
C
USTOMER
: “IT WON’T GO.”
M
E
: “Can I see your iPod?”
(The customer takes out an iPod Touch and shows it to me. I turn it on and open up Safari.)
M
E
: “It seems to be working fine.”
(I hand it back to her. She presses the home button multiple times.)
C
USTOMER
: “How did you do that? It’s not working.”
M
E
: “Ma’am, what kind of iPod is that?”
C
USTOMER
: “iPod Touch.”
M
E
: “Yeah … so try touching one of the icons on the screen.”
(She does.)
C
USTOMER
: “OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO COOL! YOU’RE A GENIUS!”
M
E
: “Yeah, well.”
R
ESTAURANT
| P
HILADELPHIA
, P
ENNSYLVANIA
(I go to a cooking school that has a pastry shop and restaurants open to the public. Another customer approaches me while I’m getting coffee at the pastry shop.)
C
USTOMER
: “It is such a shame how all these kids are bringing weapons to school. You, have you ever brought a knife to class?”
M
E
: “Ummm, I go here.”
C
USTOMER
: “So?”
M
E
: “This is a cooking school. We are required to bring knives to class.”
C
USTOMER
: “See? All the kids in this country are delinquents!”
R
ETAIL
| T
AMPA
, F
LORIDA
M
E
: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”
C
USTOMER
: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”
M
E
: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”
C
USTOMER
: “A what customer?”
M
E
: “It’s a frequent-shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.”
C
USTOMER
: “I don’t want no credit card.”
M
E
: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”
C
USTOMER
: “No thanks.”
M
E
: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”
C
USTOMER
: “Why would I recycle it?”
M
E
: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”