Tales From a Broad (7 page)

“Like what?” I said.

“You know, superficial crap,” she said,
shaking her head. “He and his friends always seem to be one-upping
each other, and to be honest, it’s exhausting to listen to
them.”

“Not to mention boring,” I exclaimed. I had
to remind myself we were talking about Tess’s boyfriend and not my
own ex. Cooper had those same tendencies, and his materialistic
ways often got under my skin.

“Sorry. I was engaged to an older version. In
Jack’s defense,” I said, with my index finger in the air, “he is a
classic case of a young kid making too much money, way too
soon.”

“So, what was Cooper’s excuse?’ Tess
prompted, covering her mouth with a hand as she chewed.

I rested my chin on my hand and shook my
head, affixing my gaze on a photo of a windmill that hung on the
wall. “I don’t know. I think who he is stems from his past.”

I turned my attention back to Tess who had
raised a quizzical eyebrow. “He grew up very poor, and I think it
makes him feel good that he had done a complete 180 degree turn
with his life.” I shrugged my shoulders. “All on his own.”

Tess didn’t look convinced, but reluctantly
nodded her head, obviously trying to cut him some slack.

“No, really.” I rushed to defend him. “His
dad ran off with another woman when he was twelve, his mom worked
around the clock, trying to care for Coop and his younger sister,
but she was left with very little money and a whole lot of
resentment. According to him, she was a bitter woman for many
years. He was a good kid, always taking on odd jobs to help out.
Paper route, shoveling driveways in the winter, cutting lawns in
the summer... You name it. But no matter what he did, there was
never enough money and never enough smiles on his mother’s
face.”

“Yikes,” Tess said with a grimace.

“I know.” I took a big forkful of my pancakes
and shoveled it into my mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

It was hard to believe that Marjorie, the
woman whom I had grown to love, was the same woman Cooper had
described whenever he recounted his childhood. Whatever she had
morphed into during Cooper’s youth, she had morphed out of by the
time I came along. She was loving and very proud of her children,
and the feeling was mutual. Cooper truly believed that his mother
did the best she could as a single parent with zero career skills
and a broken heart.

“Anyway,” I paused to sip my coffee, “I guess
being abandoned by his dad, growing up poor, and not receiving any
appreciation or love from his mom during his formative years, left
quite the mark. Still, Cooper rose above it. He became Mr.
Successful. Self-made.” I sat up straighter, aware of the pride in
my voice, but I couldn’t help it. I
was
proud.

I leaned forward and stared into Tess’s doe
eyes. “I loved his vulnerable side. I saw the little boy in him,
the one who just wanted to make his mommy proud.” I paused to
swallow, tears pricking my eyes. “I felt really lucky to land the
wounded bird. He chose
me
.” I pressed my hands into my chest
for emphasis, simultaneously trying to suffocate the emotion
threatening to pour out. “I was never anyone’s plan A before.”

“What?” Tess curled her upper lip, exposing
her ultra white front teeth. “Are you kidding me?”

“Um, why are you looking at me like I have a
penis coming out of my forehead? Or food all over my face?” I took
my napkin off of my lap and wiped my lips, folding the napkin in
half and resting it on the table.

“Why wouldn’t you be someone’s plan A?”

I drew in a deep breath and slowly exhaled.
“Missy, you turn more heads than anyone I know.” Tess rolled her
eyes as her cheeks turned pink.

“I may look like I have it all to you,” I
continued. We locked eyes and began to laugh. “Okay, maybe not
now,” I said, wiping my eyes, “but in all seriousness, I was never
exactly Ms. Popular with the boys. Glasses, braces, bad hair.” I
tugged on my air-dried hair and snickered. “Shocker, right?”

Tess leaned over and slapped my hand.

“No kiss until sixteen,” I continued. “No
date for prom...” I trailed off and made a sucking sound with my
tongue, feeling sorry for myself.

“I’ll never forget a party at my friend
Tracey’s when I was about fourteen. She was one of the cool girls,
and we were family friends, so she always included me in
everything. Long story short,”—I waved my hand—“we were playing
spin the bottle, and Scott Kilogris, my crush of many years, spun
the bottle, and it landed on me.”

Tess scraped syrup onto her fork and licked
it, her eyes rapt with interest.

“Oh, this is where it gets good.” I made a
sinister smile and nodded. “I was so nervous, my legs trembled when
I stood up and I could actually hear my heart beating in my ears.
Then I heard him say to one of the guys, ‘I am NOT kissing Lucy
Banks.’ I stood there grinning like a fool, trying to be the girl
with the sense of humor, but I wanted to disappear into the floor.
My fake smile shook. Everyone was chanting ‘Go, go, go...’ and one
of the cheerleaders actually dragged him to his feet.” The painful
memory made me cringe.

“No,” Tess groaned, her hand flying to her
mouth.

“Yep.” I took a deep breath and continued.
“So, we went into the dark closet, and despite all that drama, I
was
still
excited and braced myself for my first kiss—my
monumental moment. Oh, and it most certainly was.”

Tess released her breath and smiled.

“Scott shut the door behind him, turned to
me, and whispered, ‘we really don’t have to kiss. Let’s just wait
thirty seconds and come out.’”

Tess looked like a little kid who just
discovered there was no such thing as Santa Claus.

I paused to sip water, hoping to hide my
burning face temporarily behind the glass. I chewed on an ice cube
and nodded.

“Yep. Heartbreak number one,” I said,
knowingly.

“Wow.” Tess cleared her throat and shook her
head.

“At the time it felt like the ultimate. Who
knew that years later I would be faced with this gut-wrencher?
Which leads me to the point of my humiliating story. The fact that
someone who has it all actually chose plain ole Lucy Banks to be
his wife, really made me feel like a million bucks.”

“Okay ... totally get what you’re saying, but
Aunt Lu, that was like thirty years ago,” Tess said. “Shouldn’t you
be a little more secure by now?” she said in a gentle voice.

“First of all, twenty-eight,” I corrected.
“But can you at least try to understand what I’m saying? Cooper had
sky-high standards. So if he picked me, then wow, I must be
something special.”

“You
are
something special.” Tess hit
the table with her hand, making a saucer rattle on the table. She
made a grimace and massaged her palm.

“Well, he ditched me, so clearly I’m
not.”

At the same time, we both let out exasperated
sighs.

“Tessie, you can’t relate to this. You’ve had
an easy go at life.”

Tess, who had been taking a sip of orange
juice, snorted, causing a little juice to trickle down her chin.
“Oh yeah, and that served me well. Now look,” she said, wiping her
lips with the back of her hand. “My mom took care of everything for
me. ‘Oh, you don’t like your science teacher? I’ll switch classes
for you. Having a problem with one of your friends? I’ll talk to
her mother.’” Tess looked at me with exasperation. “She even made
you
take this trip with me.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but she
silenced me with her hand.

“I don’t know how to figure it out on my own.
I never had to. I can’t get a job, so what do I do? Get depressed.
It’s like I can’t handle the fact that I, or my mommy, can’t fix
this situation for me. The unknown with me in command has never
been part of my life. I have followed all the steps I was supposed
to, even as a child. I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout, played
sports in high school, went to the college Mom and Dad wanted me to
attend, then to grad school. I did all the things I was supposed to
do. All the things I was told to do. Now what? I’m trying, but...”
She trailed off, looking miserable.

I reached over and covered her hand with my
own. “There are no more mapped out turns on our GPS’s of life,” I
finished. “It’s like a car GPS. ‘You have reached your final
destination,’” I said in a computerized voice, “and are now on your
own.’”

“The highway to nowhere,” she muttered.

“Or the parkway to possibilities?” I
offered.

Tess took a sip of her coffee, and I absently
popped a blueberry into my mouth, sharing a moment of silence with
my niece. I had never realized that despite our age difference, how
similar we were. One generation apart and we were both kind of in
the same place. Two structured women starting over.

“Well, Tess, you’re paving a new route and
giving it your all, honey. That’s all you can do. All
we
can
do.”

I playfully slapped the top of her hand.
“Hey, here’s something that will make you feel better. Your
situation could be worse. You can be forty-two and starting over.”
My stomach ached. “Forty-freakin-two and starting over...” I
cleared my throat and waved my hands frantically, like I was
shaking a heinous picture off of an Etch-a-sketch.

“What happened to ‘parkway to
possibilities’?” she demanded dryly.

“Touché. I guess it’s easier to be the one
giving the pep talk. Let’s talk happy thoughts. Back to Mark.” I
swallowed hard and smiled. “Hopefully he’s a little different than
the men we’re used to? Less attitude?”

“Oh yes,” she beamed, eyes shining. “Mark
seems to be the other way around. Growing up, his parents made him
and his brother give away their birthday gifts to needy children in
the area. I mean, c’mon, I know it’s extreme, but it sounds like
those values really stayed with him. He’s so down to earth.”

“Well, we’re still going to see him again,
right? Paris?”

“Actually, yes.” Tess had an uneasy look on
her face.

I raised my eyebrows in question. “Sweetie,
that’s a good thing.”

Tess drew in a breath and twisted her
fingers. “Aunt Lu, there’s a slight issue. When I told Mark we were
staying at that Lucky Youth hostel, he told me there was an age
limit. Last summer, a few of his older friends were booted out for
being overage.”

I laughed. “Well, I knew the term
youth
hostel
would eventually catch up to me somewhere. Don’t worry,
I’m sure there are hundreds more out there,” I held my fists in the
air, feigning enthusiasm. “I would just like to vote for a private
bathroom this next time around. If possible.”

“Actually, I had an idea.” Tess’s face turned
pink. She sipped her coffee and placed it back down on the saucer,
making it clatter loudly. “What do you think about staying at the
hotel where Mark and his brother are staying?” She looked down and
picked at one of her fingernails.

“Come again? Hotel? As in no ‘s’?”

“No ‘s’.” She smiled. “They’re staying at
Le Palais
in the Golden Triangle area. I was thinking it
might be kind of nice to upgrade and see Paris in style. You’ve
been such a great sport about the hostel thing, and I feel like now
it’s my turn to compromise.”

“That’s so nice of you.” I pressed my lips
together to keep from laughing.

“Don’t you think we should treat ourselves?
This hotel is in the middle of everything, and the view is supposed
to be spectacular. I think we deserve it.”

“And this has nothing to do with Mark?” I
smiled.

Tess picked up a menu and hid her red face
behind it.

I pulled the menu away. “Tess. You don’t need
to convince me. You had me at hotel.”

“Really?”

“Um, really. No sleep cocoon? No shower
shoes? Not squatting to pee? While my quads have gotten a bit
tighter these past few days, it’s really not good for my digestive
issues,” I said with a knowing look.

Tess looked giddy with relief.

“I can see it right now. A hot bath,
blow-dried hair, champagne on the Champs-Élysées. I may even get
this shirt laundered.” I tugged on my newly stained tank top. “How
do you like that?”

“I love it. Aunt Lu, you’re the best.” Tess
walked over to my seat for a hug. “Before we go high class, don’t
forget you promised we would live like the Amsterdamians this
evening.” She pulled herself out of my embrace and did a little
dance. “Red light district, baby.”

“How could I forget?” I groaned. “We’ll be
observing, not partaking, young lady.” I wagged my finger. “Your
mother would kill me.”

“I know, I know,” Tess sang. She excused
herself to use the ladies room, and I Googled the name of the hotel
on my iPhone. That moment alone justified the international
upgrades we’d made to our phone plans. I just couldn’t imagine
being out of reach for four weeks.

As I dialed the hotel’s number, I noticed a
girl who had walked into the diner. She instantly reminded me of a
stereotypical Dutch girl in a movie. She looked as if she should be
named Jolanda, with long, blonde, braided hair and red clogs.

“Morgen,
” she sang to me, as she
followed the hostess to the booth in front of us.

“Hello,” I replied, kind of confusedly. The
look on my face must have mirrored what was going on in my
brain.

“Is something wrong?” she said in a kind
voice. The waitress placed the menu on her table and walked
away.

“Oh, no. I just think you might be getting me
mixed up with my sister. It happens all the time. She looks exactly
like me—in an older version,” I said, chuckling.

Jolanda gave me a strange, sideways look. I
tucked my hair behind my ears and started to fidget. I could
actually feel my face flush. “It’s been a rough week. I don’t
usually look this bad.”

She shook her head quickly as if to erase me.
“
Vaat
? I think I need my coffee. Vat do you mean ... your
sister? I just said
Morgen
.” She threw up her hands.