Stand By Your Hitman (4 page)

I slowly raised my hand, and it made me feel like I was back in school, half-afraid of what my teacher would say should I get the answer wrong.

“Um, I know how. It’s pretty easy. You see, bamboo trees have air pockets in their joints and in the wood itself. You just set a fire at the base of the tree, piercing the chambers first—or, as I’m sure you know, it would just explode.” The only problem was, how could I start a fire using my bracelet with the camera crew there? I’d have to find some way to distract them.

“We’ll need some stuff,” I started slowly, because I was pulling this out of my ass as I went. I pointed at Cricket and Silas. “You two go get big leaves and fronds for the roof.” I turned to Isaac, Lex and Sami. “And you three get me some tinder, kindling, any kind of dead stuff.” I pointed in two different directions so the cameramen would have to split up and follow them.

Once everyone left, I let out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. It only took a few moments to size up the right tree and get what I needed together.
A few strikes against the flint in my bracelet and I had a small spark. After blowing on it for a few moments, I had a fire. And no one saw me cheat. Excellent.

“How did you do that?” Lex’s voice breathed in my ear, causing lots of quivering in lots of places.

I decided to trust him, mainly because I wanted to sleep with him. I’m sure that’s not a good enough reason, but oh well.

“And you had no problem smuggling that in?” He looked impressed. At least, I wanted him to be impressed as he checked out my bracelet. “I thought it was an artifact from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” His smile gave me goose bumps in spite of the heat.

I giggled like an idiot and made some stupid “aw, shucks” motion with my hand. Ugh. Okay Missi! You don’t know anything about this guy and you’re already proving your mother right. Snap out of it!

“And,” Cricket’s voice squeaked a few yards away, “I can build a fire like nobody’s business.” She emerged from the jungle with a really pissed-off Silas in tow.

Cricket and Silas stopped short, gaping at my fire.

“How on earth did you do that?” she cried.

The cameramen, Jimmy and Bert, looked at me with their mouths hanging open. Obviously, I’d tripped the monkey. On
Survivor
, the players had to do challenges to earn flint for fire. They wanted to know how I managed it and likely knew they’d be in trouble since they hadn’t been there to get it on tape.

“Damn,” was all Jimmy said.

I shrugged. “I just rubbed two sticks together and poof.” Lex stifled a grin as he turned to feed the fire.

“Can you do it again—so I can at least capture it on film?” Bert pleaded.
Aha, I knew it
. But now I was in trouble. I’d need their compliance throughout the taping, but in all honesty, I cannot rub two sticks together to make a fire. I swear, the whole idea of it is a hoax dreamed up by some sadistic Boy Scout.

I shook my head. “No. I can’t guarantee it. I just got lucky, that’s all. Besides, we need to keep this fire going so we can topple the tree.”

The cameramen didn’t even try to hide their disappointment as the other two joined them. Isaac and Sami made it back with an armload of dead plant matter in time for my physics explanation. I was pretty impressed with myself—but I could tell the others were suspicious. That is, until the tree fell on Silas.

In hindsight, I guess we should’ve been watching for that, but Silas wasn’t hurt, and actually, the minor injury seemed to make him happy. Okay, so he looked more constipated than blissed out, but I’ll take what I can get.

It took the rest of the day to fell enough trees and gather enough leaves to make a pretty decent lean-to. Sami and Cricket managed to weave some thick mats for the floor, and once we were all done, I had to admit we had a really nice place. Dinner consisted of coconuts. Tomorrow would be our first challenge and we needed to get some sleep.

“Well I, for one, am glad Missi’s on our team.” Isaac
startled me by talking. We don’t really talk to our Vics…ever, really.

Lex nodded. “I think, overall, we have a pretty good group.”

“We’re supposed to call it a tribe!” Silas barked.

“Does anyone want to do any team-building exercises or sing?” Cricket offered, in a way that implied she meant to be helpful.

“Fuck off, bitch,” Sami said, and the rest of us hid our grins.

“I’m still amazed at what you did today, Missi,” Isaac continued.

“Well, I just hope it was the right thing to do,” Silas grumbled. “Everything needs to be authentic or I’ll get acid reflux.”

For some odd reason, I got the feeling Silas enjoyed heartburn, but I left that unsaid and turned to Isaac.

“No big. I was lucky enough to know what to do. I’m sure everyone will have a moment like that.” Okay, so I was lying. I didn’t really think some of us were capable of doing much, to tell the truth. Cricket could be counted on to drive us to murder with her inane camp psychobabble, and Silas would only be of use if we had to take on Robert E. Lee.

Nobody really had a response, so I stood up and headed down the beach.

“What the hell are you doing?” Sami asked. I was getting used to her language—at least enough to realize she meant nothing by it.

“Mashing up coconut to get the oil. It protects against
the salt in the water and as a bonus it works as a mild sunscreen.” Once I had the paste, I smeared it on my arms and legs before plunging into the ocean’s surf. I was sweaty, hot and tired and knew I couldn’t sleep without at least a little dip.

My tribe had a harder time adapting. Maybe it’s because I’m from a tropical area and more acclimated to the weather. But this bunch was having a hard time with it.

Silas’s skin turned a bright pink after only half an hour in the sun. Weirdly enough, he seemed to like it. Apparently misery and suffering were part of the authentic experience.

Cricket wasn’t having too much trouble with sunburn. My guess was that years working outside helped her. But the mosquitoes thought she was a virtual blood buffet and proceeded to feed on her like mad. By sundown, she was covered in red welts. For just a minute I wondered if the boys really were here.

Sami had so much melanin stored up in her skin it didn’t seem to affect her. And the bugs apparently thought she was toxic and avoided her. Isaac and Lex had a little sunburn and a few bites, but neither one complained.

Sleeping that first night was pretty awkward. There were three men and three women in a pretty small shelter. Somehow we managed to segregate, with the girls on one mat and the boys on the other. But it was still weird. After tomorrow, I thought we’d be so exhausted it wouldn’t even matter.

Actually, this was a strange
Survivor
-esque show. There were only a few people in their twenties—the rest were older. I squeezed my eyes tightly as if that would help me remember my files so I’d know who we were up against in the Inuit tribe.

I’d already kind of met Liliana, the artist. Let’s see, there was Kit—a model who was the first to go home on two different seasons of
The Bachelor
. My guess was she was a little reality show nuts.

Kit and Liliana were the only girls on the team. They bunked with Bob, the career politician; Brick Phoenix—I’m giving you his full name because (1) it was completely ridiculous, and (2) his real name was Norman Finkelstein—an actor, of course; Moe, an unemployed and overweight thirty-year-old who still lived at home (well, at least not that month); and Dr. Andy, a therapist.

Yeesh. The Inuit tribe was younger than we were, so I figured that might be a problem the next day.

“I’ll git you, Johnny Reb!” Silas cried out in his sleep.

This was going to be a loooooong four weeks.

I tried to sleep. Really, I did. But it was impossible. It appeared that some of the members of our team talked, shouted and sang in their sleep—except for me, Lex and Isaac. I’d have to figure out a way to deal with that. Otherwise, I’d drop dead from lack of sleep.

It was so early the sun wasn’t up yet. I had no idea what time it was, so I climbed to my feet and slipped out of our lean-to.

The fresh, salty air felt so good I didn’t want to do anything. Jimmy, Bert and Ernie were nowhere to be found. They probably got to stay at the resort. Oh well.

A five-foot-long piece of bamboo lay near my feet. I snatched it up and decided to do a little fishing. After looking both ways, I took off my bracelet and snapped it into a straight saw. As quietly as I could, I split the end of the stick into four sharp tines, reinforcing them by binding them at the base with some leftover hibiscus bark. It looked pretty dangerous, I thought proudly, as I unhinged my bracelet and put it back on my wrist.

It took me a while to get the hang of spearfishing.
There were a couple of tidal pools with trapped fish, so I wasn’t completely hopeless. I had to smile remembering the first time the twins had gone fishing. They’d used so much C-4 that the one lake on Santa Muerta was unusable for ten years. Sigh. Memories.

By the time the sun rose, I had a fire going and six cleaned fish lined up beside me on a large palm leaf. I was able to throw the spear to dislodge three coconuts, so we had coconut milk for breakfast. I even managed to split the shells into bowls for roasting the fish.

“What the hell?” Sami joined me by the fire. “Did you do all this?” She was fidgeting with her fingers, and I realized she was a smoker. Wow. She was quitting cold turkey here. I had a sneaking suspicion that her language was going to get saltier as time wore on.

“Yup. Want some? I marinated it with coconut. There’s some milk too.” Actually, I was pretty proud of myself. I was the Martha Stewart of
Survival
.

The others slowly joined us and pretty soon we were all eating breakfast. Silas was particularly interested in the spear I’d made. I couldn’t tell if he was suspicious or impressed. Somehow, I knew this was going to be an ongoing problem.

“You’re funny, resourceful and you can cook? You’re too good to be true,” Lex teased. I fought the urge to flirt back. After all, I was here to do a job and there was no way I could admit Mom was maybe a little bit right about me.

“You should see me change the oil on a car sometime.” Okay, I guess I just couldn’t help it.

He smiled. “I’d like to see that.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t figure out if you’re our savior or planted here to catch us off guard.”

“Are you serious? Who in their right mind would be here when they could be over there?” I pointed at the Blanco Tigre.

Lex’s eyes glimmered. “That’s a good point. But then, why didn’t we just book vacations instead of signing up for this sad excuse for a show?”

“I don’t know. Apparently we were coerced and then brainwashed to think it was our idea all along.”

“You’re probably right,” he said, as he helped Sami and Cricket to another serving of fish.

I watched how Lex took care of the others without them realizing that was what he was doing. He cared about the team. He didn’t have to. That’s not the way the game is usually played, but he did. There was no condescension in his actions. No one suspected Lex was coddling us because he wasn’t. It’s hard to describe, but he made us feel safe without making us think we needed him to do it.

It reminded me of my late husband. Lex had a quiet dignity that I adored. And then there was the fact that he’d picked me to befriend—obviously the man had good taste.

“Where’s Cricket?” I asked. How did I not see her slip away during breakfast?

“Fuck if I know,” Sami answered. “The bitch is always missing.”

“I noticed that too,” Isaac said. “Silas went off to look for clams.”

I sighed. “I suppose we should get something collected for dinner later.”

Lex and Sami started working on the fire as Isaac and I went for coconuts. It felt strange to be alone with a possible Vic. No, not strange, awkward. The idea that I was friendly with someone I might have to kill very soon seemed like a breach of common courtesy. I hoped there wouldn’t be any conversation.

I was wrong.

“I can’t tell you how great it is that the four of us have an alliance.” Isaac smiled in utter sincerity. Damn.

“Yeah. I think so too.” I hoped he would get the hint.

He didn’t. “What’s up with the other team? Did you get a load of them?”

“Um, not really.”
Take the hint. Take the hint!

“First there’s the Dr. Phil clone. And then the woman who smells like a crystal shop. That Moe guy seems okay, but I don’t know about the others.” He grinned, punching me lightly in the arm. “Hell, I think we might be the only normal people on the show!”

I tried very hard to hate him. I imagined him poisoning kittens, eating dolphins, causing global warming…anything to avoid liking him. Isaac was in my alliance for one reason only—so I could keep him around until I had to kill him.

“So what’s your story?” he asked as he picked up another coconut.

“I don’t have one.” I shrugged and giggled, which made me look like an idiot.

Isaac laughed endearingly, damn him. “Everyone has a story, Missi.”

“Not me. I don’t believe in them.” What a weird thing to say. But maybe that was good and he’d just write me off as weird. I could live with that.

“Okay. I get it. You play things close to the vest. No problem.” He gave me a little sad smile and walked away.

I got what I wanted. But I felt horrible. This was obviously a great assignment. Thanks, Mom. I wandered back to camp to find our camera crew had finally arrived.

“Oh man! Are you kidding me?” Jimmy looked pretty stunned as he joined us with Bert and Ernie in tow. “How did you get food? Coconut-marinated fish?” He squinted at me. “Did you get this from the resort?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I couldn’t sleep so I made this”—I pointed to the spear—“and caught these.”

The crew was disappointed. They began filming anyway, but I heard Ernie muttering that they would be here first thing tomorrow morning to catch me in the act of…of what? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I mean, the bracelet was sort of like cheating, but I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Especially when I didn’t want to be here in the first place.

When breakfast was over, my tribe thanked me. Isaac smothered the fire and I showed them all how to smush up the coconut and smear it on their skin as a sunscreen.

“Hey!” Julie appeared beside us, clipboard in hand. “Are you ready for your challenge?” She grinned. “I’ll bet you had a rough night with no shelter….” Her voice faded off as she saw the very nice shelter we’d made with mats on the floor. “Well, you’re probably pretty hungry and thirsty….” Then she noticed the fish skeletons, coconut husks and remains of a fire.

It was obvious we’d taken the wind out of her sails. She expected to find us on the brink of death, and instead we had shelter, fire and food. And she looked pissed.

“What? How? How did this happen?” she shrieked at us. No one spoke. I mean, wasn’t this the point? We were supposed to find ways to survive…right?

Julie turned to the camera guys. “Tell me you got this on tape!” Maybe she figured she could salvage it if we’d done something dramatic, like made a pact with Satan for the food and shelter—something explainable like that.

Jimmy blanched and shook his head. Bert and Ernie winced, fearing what would come next. I felt a little sorry for them. It was my fault. Somehow, I’d have to find a way to give them a big scoop. Otherwise, they were likely to work against me. And I certainly didn’t want them dogging me—especially when I took out Vic.

“So, what the hell’s next? Do we get a goddamned challenge or what?” Sami barked.

Julie winced. “Please don’t swear so much Sami. Or you’ll be edited out.”

Sami winked at me and I smothered a giggle. I really liked her. Before I had kids, I had saltier language than a pirate with Tourette’s syndrome. Once the boys turned five, however, they decided that I had to clean up my act. The institution of a “swear jar” was pretty ingenious. Within three months, they had enough to buy a car. Of course, five-year-olds can’t drive, so that doesn’t make sense, but you know what I mean. Don’t you?

“We do have a challenge for you this morning, and it is for reward. I can’t tell you any more than that, so if you’ll all just follow me—SILENTLY—you’ll find out soon.”

We all shrugged, which was weird, then began talking loudly as we followed her into the jungle. You can’t treat a bunch of adults like kids, and we resented her—so we acted like kids. Might as well have a little fun with it.

The chatter seemed to annoy Julie, which in turn amused us. Nobody really had anything to say, so we pointed out every damn tree and bug as though we’d never seen anything like it in our lives.

After about ten minutes, we entered a clearing that looked suspiciously like a resort volleyball court. At opposite ends of the court were two dark tanks filled with water. Connecting the tanks was some sort of
balance beam–obstacle course. Dead center was a square platform. So this was the challenge?

There was no time to question Julie, because our smarmy host, Alan, showed up with brilliantly white teeth and a—no doubt—resort-enhanced tan.

“Today’s challenge is for reward.” Our host looked meaningfully at both teams. We pretty much rolled our eyes.

“One of you stands on the platform and you form a bridge to the tank.” He pointed along the balance beam. “You hold on to each other however you can, without anyone falling off.”

Huh. That seemed easy enough. Until I spotted the fulcrums. Apparently, the balance beams weren’t secure—they were, well, balanced on fulcrums all the way across. It looked like they could move in any direction, too. How very Hogwarts. Damn.

Alan motioned for Bert and Ernie to demonstrate. The men sighed and put down their cameras, then climbed the platform. And while they were as coordinated as blind epileptics with inner-ear problems, I didn’t see how we were going to do any better. The beams swayed back and forth, coming apart where they were connected. We’d have to use our bodies to hold them together. Fantastic.

“Once you get everyone across to make the bridge, the one on the end has to use their free hand to find the pearls in the water and pass them along the bridge to the guy on the platform, who will place the pearl in a bucket. When you have ten pearls, everyone has to
work their way back to the platform for the win. At any time, should any of your teammates fall, the whole team has to go back to the platform and start over.”

Wow. I was impressed. What a sadistic challenge. So, all we had to do was hold onto each other. I didn’t have great balance, so I immediately volunteered to be the pearl diver for the team. Everyone nodded. Whew. At least I wouldn’t have to keep two people balanced. I just had to stick my hand in that cloudy water and sift for pearls. How hard could that be?

Once the teams figured out who would do what, Alan started talking. “Okay. Remember the rules. Want to know what you’re playing for?”

Of course, we all nodded. What did he expect us to do?

Alan walked over to a table covered with a tarp, and with an obnoxious flair for the dramatic, lifted it. “You are playing for mani/pedis and a haircut at the resort’s salon!”

“Are you shitting us?” Sami said what we were all thinking. “What the hell do we need our nails done and our hair styled for?”

She had a point. It was a useless reward. And it wasn’t like we’d been here a month. It was only thirty-six hours ago that I’d had a good shower. Man, this show sucked.

Alan looked like his leg was being humped by a porcupine. “It’s a good reward—and you’ll work hard for it,” he said through clenched teeth.

With little interest, we all climbed onto the platform, waiting for the order to begin. Whatever.

“When we get halfway through the challenge, there will be a twist. So think of getting across as quickly as possible.” Alan grinned, then shouted, “Go!”

Our team huddled for a moment and Isaac came up with the idea that we go one at a time, climbing across the bodies connected before us. It sounded reasonable. Hell, shooting Alan and Julie sounded reasonable at this point. Cricket took her position as the first person in line, standing half on the platform and half on the first beam. Silas took her hand and stood on the next beam. Isaac gingerly crept in front of the two and managed to add himself to Silas, firmly gripping his hand. The three of them were holding hands, and looked pretty steady. Sami went next. And even though she swore colorfully the whole way, she was very nimble. Must be from scrambling up telephone poles, bridges and stuff for her work.

With a big grin, she grabbed Isaac’s hand and shouted, “Come on!” to Lex.

I was a little concerned at this point. Lex was a fairly large guy and the beams were really swaying. Sheer luck was holding them and our team together. I looked over and saw that the other team was doing better.

I flinched as Lex very slowly and very carefully moved his way down the course, clinging to each teammate. I started to get a little excited, thinking of his body against mine. I would have that chance very
soon. Maybe Mom was right. Of course, I would never tell her that!

There really was a certain chemistry between us—for which I was grateful. I mean, Isaac was cute too, and if I’d been as attracted to him as I was to Lex, I would have had bigger problems on my hands. Why wasn’t I interested in Isaac? It was probably that big bull’s-eye I saw superimposed over his heart. Knowing you have to kill someone and the fact that he’s probably evil are definitely a libido buzzkill.

But why was I attracted to Lex? Had it really been that long since I’d been interested in a man? Maybe it was just because we were close in age and had the same sense of humor? I was a little hesitant to read too much into it. Besides, on
Survivor
, people lied all the time to each other just to make alliances. How did I know he was sincere? I barely knew him!