Ruining You (8 page)

Several weeks pass, and I
realize that Christmas will be here shortly. My mother and father both visited
last week and begged me to come home. My dad surprised me the most with his
presence. I even saw tears in his eyes as he asked me to go home with them. He
told me his missed me, we hugged, and we talked. I know we have a long way to
go, but for the first time, I feel like we can make it past this. Of course, I
told them I still wasn’t ready, and begrudgingly, they left me here. Agent
Morris visited twice, and each time she asked more of the same questions. Her
main reason for visiting hasn’t changed. She tells me they are still trying to
build a case against Coach Branch and my testimony may be the key. My answer
remains the same – no.

Walking from my session with
Dr. Raines, I go to meet up with Eli in the common area. He has volunteered us
to put up the Christmas tree. As I enter the room, I notice him talking to one
of the new girls who arrived last week. I’m pretty sure she is dealing with a
pretty bad detox because her hands continuously shake, and her eyes are shifty.

“Hey Jay. You remember Kim,
don’t you?”

I smile and say, “Yes.” The
tree is already up, so I start helping them hang ornaments. Eli has such
patience with her. He takes his time and helps her hang the ornaments from the
boughs. Again, I am struck by just how good of a guy he is. Finishing up the
tree, I can’t take another minute of not knowing. Smiling at Kim, I ask, “I’m
going to borrow him for just a second. We will be right back. Okay?”

Eli looks confused, but he
follows as I walk outside to the adjoining patio. It’s cold but not freezing,
and we are alone. Thank goodness. I sit down in one of the chairs that faces
another, hoping he gets the idea. Finally, he takes a seat and places his palms
down on his thighs. I take a deep breath and begin.

“Two years ago, I was raped
by a coach at my high school which resulted in an abortion.” Wow, I really
didn’t think I would ever be able to say that out loud to anyone I care about.
“During that time, I pushed everyone away from me because I planned on killing
myself at some point and didn’t want to hurt them anymore than possible. It was
hell. It would have been torture if not for my friend, Rhye, who I dated some
during that time. Anyway, two years later I meet this guy, Kane, who makes me
start to think that maybe I did want my future, but at the same time, my past
was getting in the way of us. My boyfriend that I had since seventh grade never
gave up on me. I always loved JT, but I started to fall for Kane. Everything
was confusing, but ultimately, I chose to live. Dr. Raines said that I really
chose that long ago, and I was just waiting for myself to realize it.”

“Wait,” Eli says, shaking
his head as to clear it. He stands up with both hands on his hips and looks
down at me. “So you’re not gay?”

“Wait. What? Who said I was
gay?” I ask confused.

“Uh... nobody,” he answers,
sitting back down. “Please continue with your story.”

I gaze at him like he has
lost his mind, but I continue anyway. “Well, I chose to live and try to work
things out with JT. He had been waiting for me, and I felt like I owed him that
chance. However, one night, he found out about what happened, and on the way to
confront the coach, he was involved in a car accident.” Blinking back the
tears, I stop to clear my throat. “I saw him on the side of the road -- his
lifeless eyes staring back at me. My mind shut down, and I chose to do what I
had already planned. I drove back to my house, swallowed a bunch of pills, and
fell asleep in my tub. I was hoping to either overdose or drown, but I ended up
here instead.”

Glancing towards Eli, I see
that he is staring back at me. “I heard about that on the news. They didn’t
release your name, but right before I came here, I saw them talking about it. I
am so sorry and I can’t imagine, Jay. Well, some of it I can.”

He doesn’t say anything at
first, but finally, I see resolution deep within his eyes. He inhales deeply
and begins, “Over a year ago, my boyfriend died after telling his parents that
we were gay. His dad was visibly upset, and things became physical. Instead of
trying to calm him, I jumped in a car with Mike, and he accidently ran off a
bridge into a river. I swam to the banks with only a scratch, but the car sank
so fast that I couldn’t save him. Needless to say, I spent a couple of weeks
here after everything happened because I couldn’t deal with life for a while.”
Sadness appears in his eyes. “How would you like to live in a community where
most people actually thought it was a condemnation from God that he died
because we were gay? How would you feel knowing that your own father was one of
those believers?”

Standing, he turns away and
speaks softly, “All my life, I’ve believed in God. I listened to my father
every time the church doors were open as he talked about how He loves everyone,
sinners and saints alike. But, the moment I told my father I was gay,
everything changed. Oh, he preached how he loved me and how God still loved me,
but on the inside, it was eating him up. It still eats him up because he thinks
it’s a choice. The truth is that he hates me because my very existence makes
him have to question the faith that he’s always stood on. We fuss constantly.
So, my mother sends me here every once in a while when we need a break and to
deal with my depression, she says.”  He shakes his head and turns to face me.

I think my jaw is on the
floor. “What?”  He asks.

“I....well...I mean...I.” I
can’t put a sentence together to save my life.

“Jay, I am so glad that you
and I have had this time to get to know each other before sharing our pasts.
You’ve gotten to know the real me without all the baggage. So, just say what
you’re thinking.”

“You don’t act gay.” Did I
just tell him that he doesn’t act gay? The guy spilled his heart out to me, and
that is all I have to say. I mentally and physically slap my head. “I
mean...well. It’s just that...”

“Does it matter, Jay? Does
that change anything between us? Because it shouldn’t.”

“No! Of course it doesn’t.
It’s just that, out of everything, I didn’t see that coming. And, I don’t have
a problem with who someone loves; it’s just that most of the gay guys I know
are a little...effeminate.” I fix my eyes on him as I finish. As I wait for his
response, I am suddenly struck by what he said earlier. “Wait, why did you
think I was gay?”

He looks a little sheepish
when he says, “When you told me Dr. Raines said that we had something in
common, I thought that was what she was talking about. Plus until today, I
hadn’t heard you talk about a boyfriend, so I just figured we were in the same
situation.”

Looking at him, I actually
shake my head and laugh, “Now your whole obsession with werewolves makes sense.
It’s all about what the werewolf looks like.” He laughs and comes to stand in
front of me, grabbing my hands and pulling me upward.

“We are one messed up pair,
but whatever. It works,” he says, staring into my eyes.

I look down at our joined
hands and instantly realize why I’ve always had a strange fascination with him.
His strong hands remind me of JT’s. It doesn’t make me sad; it makes me think
that JT is still here. I haven’t had as many dreams lately, and that is a good
thing.

Looking up, I see a gleam in
his eyes as he says, “You know this doesn’t change anything. I’m not going to
magically start fixing your hair or doing your nails. That’s not my thing. Now,
when we get out of here if you want to go four-wheeling, I’m your guy.”

Laughing at him, I say,
“C’mon lets go in. Enough sharing for today.”

I need to process what he
has told me and what Dr. Raines has said to me. Life seems to like throwing
curveballs my direction. It’s not that Eli being gay bothers me; I just didn’t
see it coming. He’s so masculine, and he’s the quintessential “guy’s guy”. In
reality, he is everything that I would normally be attracted to. I guess, in a
way, it’s like having JT back. Things between Eli and I are so similar to the
way things were with JT before everything happened, minus the sexual attraction
of course. It’s a pure love, and it’s what I have missed most over these last
two years
.

“Okay, this evening we are
going to talk about the role your personal religion, or lack thereof, plays
into your recovery. Can any of you talk about how your religion hinders or
helps it?” Dr. Gale asks everyone as he walks in a circle around our chairs.

Sitting beside Eli during
our group session, I look around the room. Our group has been whittled down to
seven. Everyone else was apparently miraculously “cured” by the Christmas
spirit and went home. As always, Eli gets the group started when he answers Dr.
Gale.

“Well, most of you know that
my father is a preacher, and I am a Christian. He doesn’t agree with my
lifestyle, but as I like to remind him, if my Jesus was here on Earth now, he’d
be hanging with us ‘so-called’ sinners instead of all you saints. My faith steadies
me during my trials of depression and makes me hold fast when things get tough.
It’s sad, though, when people I’ve known my whole life question my faith
because of their own bigoted views.”

“Thanks for sharing, Eli.
When others express intolerance and prejudice towards us, they can act as
triggers that lead us back to bad habits or bouts of depression. What about
you, Jay?”

I’ve been opening up much
more during group sessions lately. I primarily have Eli to thank for that. He
is constantly encouraging me to speak up, but for the first time, I decide to
speak for myself.

“I grew up going to church
every once in a while with my parents. I was baptized when I was little, and I
guess I always considered myself a Christian. As I got older, my parents traveled
a lot, and we didn’t attend anymore. I still remember everything I learned as a
child. After I had my abortion, I started having these nightmares. I assume
they stem from the guilt of knowing that I ended a life, but at that time, I
didn’t see it that way. In my dreams, Satan would come and talk to me. He would
quote bible verses that I remember hearing as a child or just make me feel
guilty for what I did. When JT died, I felt that God was punishing me for
having the abortion, taking a life for a life. I guess, in many ways, my
religion has hindered me from my own recovery.”

“I don’t think it hindered
you, Jay. It was just one more emotional obstacle you had to overcome. Your
main problem was a sense of forgiveness, but it’s only good if you apply it to
yourself and move on.” Dr. Gale finishes with a smile and a wink. “I think
you’re getting there.”

After group session,
everyone heads to the cafeteria for dinner. There is only a week until
Christmas, but it’s been three months since I arrived. JT’s gone, and he’s
never coming back. Taking a deep breath, I realize that knowing that still
hurts, but it doesn’t kill me to think it anymore. I can’t say that I’ve made
peace with it just yet, but I am starting to understand that there is only so
much I can blame on myself.

“Hey, can I talk to you for
a minute?” Eli asks as he pulls my arm, and we fall back from the rest of the
group.

“Sure.” We allow everyone
else to disappear around the hallway.

“It’s time, Jay.”

I know what he is saying. I
was just thinking the same thing. “I know.” Breathing deep, I look at him and
nod my head. “There is so much I haven’t told you about what is waiting for me
at home. There’s the trial, and JT’s mom wants to talk to me. I’ve heard it’s
nothing bad, but the thought just scares me to death. Then there is Kane.”