Rebekka Franck - 03 - Five, Six ... Grab Your Crucifix (9 page)

I kept waking with a start, then fell asleep again dreaming creepy dreams about people dying while screaming and then waking up again. Every time I woke up I tried to calm my thoughts and looked at Julie while she was sleeping heavily. The full moon outside my window lit up the entire room and made me able to see every little feature of her beautiful face. I was so blessed to have her in my life, I kept reminding myself again and again. She was my pride and I would do anything to protect her. If this was some disease we were going to leave first thing in the morning. But what if it turned out to be already too late? What if we had been infected somehow?

I pushed the thought out of my mind again. I had to calm down. I was worth nothing without my sleep. I had to keep calm for her sake, for Julie.

Julie woke me up at seven o’clock by shaking me.

“Get up Mom. You promised to build a snowman with me and Tobias, remember?”

I opened my eyes. Both Julie and Tobias were staring at me with big expectant eyes. They were both smiling. “Please?” Julie said.

I sighed. Then I smiled. “Okay, okay. Just give me a few minutes to wake up.”

The door to the bedroom opened. Sune stuck in his head. He looked as sleepy as I felt. “Kids, stop bothering Rebekka. Breakfast is ready downstairs. We’ll meet you there,” he growled.

“Yay!” Julie exclaimed and jumped towards the door. Tobias followed her in another great leap.

“Where do they get the energy?” I groaned.

Sune crawled under my covers and we spooned for a couple of minutes.

“Mmm,” he mumbled while kissing my neck.

“That Tobias sure sleeps heavily,” I said. “He didn’t wake up at all even with all the screaming. Has he always been like that?”

Sune kissed my ear and buried his face in my hair. “He has always been a heavy sleeper just like me. I guess I’m just lucky.”

“You sure are. Julie always wakes up. It has gotten a lot better with age, but earlier she used to wake from just the sound of the TV. It was quite hard on us when she was younger. She would hear a sound downstairs or outside the house and then crawl into our bed almost every night. To get proper sleep Peter always spent the rest of the night in the guest bedroom. It tore apart my marriage with him that we never slept in the same bed.”

Sune went quiet. “Hm,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, we never sleep together either,” he said.

I exhaled. “I know. It will improve. I promise you it will. I’m determined to not make the same mistakes again.”

Sune kissed my neck again and held me tight. “I know you’re trying. And I know it is hard from time to time. But I need to be your priority as well. I need intimacy and I need to feel important to you.”

I sighed. “I know you do. You are my priority. It’s just hard sometimes, when you know what your child is going through. Missing her dad and all. It’s been a couple of tough years on her.”

“She’s fine,” Sune whispered in my ear. “She’s a happy kid. You’re worrying too much.”

I turned my head and kissed his lips. Those soft gentle lips that made me feel so happy. “I’m sorry,” I said.

He looked at me surprised. “Sorry? For what?”

“For acting weird last night. I guess I was just tired.”

He kissed me again. Our eyes locked as he let go of my lips again. “I’m sorry too. I said stupid things. It was just a misunderstanding. I became scared that you freaked out because I had that dream.”

“The one about the baby. Well, yeah, that was kind of silly, huh?” I looked down and tried to avoid his eyes.

“Sure was.”

“Just a dream. Nothing more to it,” I said and looked at him again, looked for confirmation that I was right, that there was nothing more to that dream. But I didn’t find it. Sune went quiet. He was biting his lip.

“There is more to it?” I asked. “Don’t tell me there is more to it!”

Sune gesticulated resigned. “So what if there is? Would it be so bad?”

I pulled backwards out of his arms. I sat up.

“What?” he asked. “Why are you reacting like this?”

I inhaled deeply and looked at him. “Listen to me, Sune. I’m thirty-eight years old. I barely have my life together as it is. I have an ex-husband who has gone crazy and a child who needs extra attention because she has seen things and experienced her own father fall apart in front of her eyes. I have absolutely no interest what so ever in having another child. Not now. Not ever. I made my decision a long time ago to never have any more kids so it is not something I’m willing to even discuss.”

I looked at Sune. He looked like I had punched him. He was staring at me with moist eyes.

I sighed. “Did you really think I wanted more kids?”

He shrugged. “I guess I assumed that you might consider having a child with me. We’re in love and I have to admit I have been wondering what our baby would look like. If it would have your eyes and my nose or the other way around?” Sune smiled when he said it.

I was paralyzed. I had no idea he felt that way. I guess a small part of me had feared that this was how he felt. “You never spoke of this,” I said slightly stuttering. I was shocked to put it mildly.

“Well, I guess I was afraid of getting this reaction.” Sune sighed and got up from the bed.

“Sune don’t leave. We need to talk about this.”

Julie and Tobias were calling our names from down the stairs.

Sune looked at me and bit his lip. “What’s there to talk about? You’ve clearly made your decision for the both of us.”

Then he turned around and left.

Chapter 18

I ate way too much for breakfast. That was what conflicts often did to me. It was the same when my mother and father fought when I was a child or if I got into a fight with one of them I would always end up comfort eating in the middle of the night or bring food to my room. Food was my weakness and I knew it. And now I was doing it again. I was eating breakfast rolls with butter and cheese while the ambiance at the table was tense to put it mildly. Dad was grumpy because his leg was acting up. It often did that when it was really cold like now. It had kept him awake for hours at night and today he still had a pain in it.

“I’ll do the cooking the rest of the day,” I said. “You just sit on the couch and rest, okay?”

He didn’t like it much but finally agreed. Still he was groaning and mumbling at the table, complaining about the pain. Sune was acting grouchy as well. He hardly looked at me or even spoke to me. The air between us was tense and it made me eat more than I needed.

“So when are we going to build that snowman?” Julie whined. “You guys are taking forever to eat.”

“In a minute, honey,” I said and grabbed some pastry and poured another cup of coffee. I couldn’t say I was looking forward to hours in the freezing cold. I was tired and cranky and really wanted to just lie on the sofa with the newspaper and a box of chocolates. The wind was pulling the trees outside the windows, the sky had grown grey and the clouds were heavy with snow.

“I guess we better hurry up,” Sune said. “It is going to snow in less than an hour. It looks like it could last all day.”

I swallowed my pastry and flushed it down with coffee. Julie and Tobias started putting on boots and winter suits.

“Come on, Mom. Jeez. You heard Sune. I really want to build this snowman today. You promised.”

I swallowed hard then drank some more coffee. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” I said and got up from my chair. I looked at Dad. His face was torn in restraint. “Promise me you’ll leave all this on the table. I’ll clean it up later, okay?”

He nodded with his eyes closed. I sighed and found some pills to kill the pain in a cupboard and handed them to him with a glass of water. “They’ll make you feel better for a little while,” I said. I kissed his forehead. “Try and get some sleep.”

He nodded slowly and kissed me back.

Sune opened the door and the kids ran out with high-pitched screams. The wind hitting me from the open door felt like needles on my skin. I shivered and ran to get my winter jacket.

“I’ll be outside with the kids,” Sune said. His eyes were still hurt and distanced. He was barely looking at me.

“Sune … I,” I said and stepped forward with my jacket in my hand.

He shook his head. “Save it. I can’t deal with this right now.” Then he followed the kids outside. I heard then whine and laugh as they threw snowballs at Sune and he grabbed Julie and rolled her in the snow. I sighed as I watched them make snow-angels. This was supposed to be a happy day, a joyful time and vacation. But as usual I had destroyed everything. What was wrong with me? Why did I keep doing this? If things didn’t work out with Sune and me it would kill Julie. She loved him and she loved Tobias even more. But the thought that I couldn’t give Sune what he really wanted and dreamt about killed me. I just really couldn’t see it in my future. I couldn’t picture myself having another baby. I really didn’t want to. I wasn’t prepared to do it just to make him happy, either. That was unfair to the baby.

After all having a baby was a huge thing in your life. I remembered having Julie and being surprised how hard it really was, how much it changed everything. Not that I ever regretted having her, I never did, but looking back at my life it had been a rough journey. I wasn’t prepared to go down that road again. Not at my age.

Julie spotted me watching them through the window. She signaled that I should join them.

“Come on, Mom,” I heard her yell from the other side.

I exhaled and nodded. “I’m coming!” Then I put on the jacket, my scarf and a pair of gloves. I looked at Sune when I opened the door. He threw a snowball in my direction and I managed to duck just as it was supposed to hit me in my face. I laughed. He laughed back. Then I grabbed some snow and shaped a ball and threw it at him. It hit him right in the middle of his face. Tobias and Julie squealed with delight. So did I, and soon Sune accompanied us.

We built the largest snowman anyone ever had built. At least that’s what I told the kids. It had to be the world’s largest snowman. No doubt about it. We managed to make it inside just as the snow began to fall again. We laughed and took off all our big winter clothes and threw them all in a pile on the floor. Then Sune started the fire while I went to the kitchen to prepare hot chocolate. My fingers and cheeks were hurting from the cold and soon they started to burn. I smiled while I watched Sune in action trying to get the fire in the fireplace started. I really liked him, I thought. I really didn’t want to blow this. I went towards him and put my hand on his back. He looked up. His eyes seemed milder now. He chuckled, then he leaned over and kissed me on my lips. I blushed when I realized the children were watching us.

“Ew! Gross,” Julie exclaimed causing me to blush even more. I felt like I had been caught in doing something wrong.

“Grown-ups are so disgusting,” Tobias said.

I looked at Sune. Then we burst into laughter.

“Who is up for hot chocolate?” I said.

“I am. I am!” they both yelled one louder than the other. I looked at Dad afraid that they would wake him up. He was still sleeping on the couch. He didn’t move.

“Okay,” I whispered. “Let’s go get some in the kitchen.”

“Yay!” they yelled again and ran towards the kitchen.

Afraid they had woken him up I turned to look at my father again, but he still didn’t move. I felt a pinch in my stomach. Usually he woke by the slightest sound. He was a light sleeper just like Julie and I. I stared at him from a distance, examining him. He suddenly looked very pale to me. Almost grey. Was his chest moving at all? Was he breathing?

Fearful I stepped towards him and placed a hand on his chest. I still couldn’t feel it move. My heart was racing in my chest. Then I placed two fingers on his neck to check his pulse. It took a couple of terrifying seconds before I found it. It was there. A feeling of great relief came over me and calmed me a little. But the pulse seemed weak. Too weak even for someone sleeping. Another wave of fear rushed in over me and I started shaking him.

“Dad, wake up.”

Sune stopped what he was doing and walked towards him. “Is there something wrong?” he asked.

“I can’t wake him up. I think something is wrong. His pulse is weak and he is all pale.”

Sune stepped in front of me and felt the pulse. Then he sighed. “It does seem a little weak,” he said. “I think we need to call for an ambulance.”

A panic started to grow inside of me. Not now, I thought while tears were piling up behind my eyes. I can’t bear to lose him yet. Julie came up behind me and grabbed my hand. “Is something wrong with Grandpa?” she asked. I detected fear in her small voice. I pulled her closer while Sune found his phone and called for an ambulance.

“He’ll be fine,” I said. “I’m sure he’ll be just fine. Don’t worry.”

I knew my words weren’t convincing.

Chapter 19

Julie and I got to ride in the ambulance with Dad. The paramedics had him hooked up to all kinds of things but he was still not conscious when we arrived at the hospital. Fear was growing in my stomach making me feel sick and nauseous. I remembered losing my mother a little too well and I wasn’t ready to go through this again.

“Please don’t take Dad, God,” I mumbled again and again while we waited for any news.

Sune and Tobias joined us soon after. They brought a bag filled with books and toys and Tobias managed to make Julie forget for a while why she was there. I wondered why we didn’t all just remain children for the rest of our lives. They knew it didn’t help anything to worry. Why did we as adults insist on torturing ourselves like this over all kinds of things, most of the times silly stuff? Life was so short. Still I couldn’t escape the anxiety. It was in all of my body, in every cell now and made me feel sick. Sune brought me water, coffee, sodas and chocolate bars that I swallowed like I was in a hurry. He held my hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to put all this on you. I really didn’t.”

“It’s not your fault. You can’t help it if you feel the way you do,” I said and stroke his cheek gently. “You’re so young. Of course you want more children.”