Out of The Box Awakening (8 page)

I fall asleep in his lap, and he gently wakes me and carries me up to my bed. “Night-night, sleep tight, Liv. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thanks again for yet another wonderful night, Ash.”

As Thanksgiving gets closer, I am firming up my meal plans. Ash has given me full reign to plan and execute dinner. Reba tells me again that she can be available if I need her.

“Reba, you need to go to Atlanta to be with your family. Thanksgiving is a time when families need to be together. You don’t need to be working!”

“Thank you, Mrs. Petersen. That means a lot. You sure you can handle things?”

“Yes, of course, Reba. We women can do anything!”

With Ash in the city, I plan to bake and have a night to myself. I put on one of Alan’s big shirts and head down to the kitchen to do what I love—bake and get ready for our family holidays. I turn up my music and start dancing in the kitchen. Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody” comes on, and I am in full-out dance mode. I’m cooking and dancing, with a glass of wine in hand. I am totally in my element, thoroughly enjoying the night and feeling the music. I don’t even hear the front door open but I hear a voice in the entryway.

“Olivia?” Ash comes into the kitchen and catches me dancing. Yes, dancing my ass off…. “Well, well, well, what a wonderful surprise!” he says with a grin. “How sexy she looks—and she cooks too?”

I am speechless at getting caught. I realize that I am less than dressed, in a long white dress shirt and panties.

“Busted!” he says.

“Ash! What are you doing home? I thought you were in the city for the night.”

“I forgot some files I needed for my meeting, so just decided to come home and get them.”

“Well, thanks for the warning!”

“Well, thanks for the show!” he counters.

I tell him that I am baking for Thanksgiving and was just grooving to the music.

“It’s a nice surprise. There is nothing better than coming home and finding a woman in my kitchen, sexy as hell, dancing and cooking! Pretty good at multi-tasking, aren’t you?” He gives me a hug and puts his hand in the small of my back. I am once again totally floored by his touch.

“Do you want a glass of wine? Want to help me cook?” I ask.

“Let me go upstairs and change, and then, yes, I would love to help you—or better yet, just sit at the bar and watch. You never cease to amaze me, Olivia Petersen!”

He changes into the drawstring pants and gray T-shirt that are sexy as hell on him. When he comes back down he swoops me into his arms.

“So, have you talked to Alan? When is he coming in?”

I tell him that I haven’t reached him yet, and that I will call him in the morning.

Ash is so attentive. He tells me he’s excited about the holidays. “I don’t think my twins will be coming in, but for sure Tommy and the band members will be here. I hope you can handle everyone who’s coming for Thanksgiving, Liv. I hate to put everything on you. I know you can handle it, but if you need help, you need to let Reba know.”

“I told Reba to go to Atlanta to be with her family. I can do this. I promise this will be a special Thanksgiving, Ash. I’ll call Alan in the morning and get his itinerary. Hopefully, everyone’s flight will coincide so we can just make one, maybe two trips to the airport to get everyone. I can’t wait for our families to meet.  I promise, this will be a holiday to remember.”

Ash gives me a bear hug and tells me that he has no doubt I will make the holiday special. We have a glass of wine and check my baked goods.

“You are an amazing cook, Olivia! The kitchen smells so good. I can’t remember when I’ve looked forward to the holidays as much as this year!”

We finish cooking; do a basic clean-up, then Ash tells me he’s heading up to bed.

“I had just planned on coming to get my files, but I am really tired, so think I’ll just stay and leave around five in the morning.”

“I’ll have coffee ready and see you off in the morning.”

“You don’t have to get up that early…but if you want to, that would be great, Liv, thanks! Sleep tight.”

Ash heads to bed. I finish cleaning the kitchen, wrap up my baked goods, and put them in the freezer. I head up to bed, passing his room on my way up. He doesn’t realize I am standing by his door, and I see him, just after his shower, standing with his back to me…naked.

Dear God! What a muscular beautiful, lean body he has. He’s drying off; his hair is tousled and wet. There are beads of water on his back. He turns to the side and I slip back behind the doorframe so he won’t see me. He’s definitely, without a doubt, well-endowed! I am aroused just looking at him. I realize that I shouldn’t be here staring at him, but I can’t help it. For a man of almost sixty he’s in great shape, his body the epitome of a well-oiled machine.

Alan is very modest. He always showers and dresses with the door closed. I never get to look at him after he’s showered, so looking at Ash is a real treat. He’s confident and seems very comfortable with his body exposed. I could stand here and look at him forever. He has that perfect “V” from the waist down. A definite turn-on—a turn-on I haven’t felt in forever. What a gorgeous man he is.

I quickly leave the doorway and head up to my room, hoping he hasn’t seen me spying. I would love to curl up in bed with him. I am so lonely and unfulfilled. I desperately crave his touch. I hop in the bath and find solace in the hot water, attempting to put the thought of his touch out of my mind. I remind myself that I’m a married woman, and I need to stop thinking about Ash!

The next morning, bright and early at 5:00 a.m., Ash and I have our ritual coffee and newspaper.

“I’ll be in the city for the next couple of days, Liv. I’ll call or text to check on you. Let me know when Alan will be in. I‘ll be available to pick our guests up at the airport. No worries.”

Sarah has given me two days off, to prepare for the holiday season. I have a decorating assignment after Thanksgiving, but until then I have a few days to spend with the family.

The kids call me that night to check in and let me know that they will be in on Wednesday. Tommy calls, also, and I tell him that his father is in the city.

“Looking forward to Thanksgiving, Olivia! Todd and Steve are coming for Thanksgiving dinner. I hope that’s okay. Dad said to check with you”.

“Of course, Tommy! I am looking forward to it!”

“My band is playing in town on Friday, so I would love for you and dad and your kids to come watch us play. I’m looking forward to meeting your kids.”

I decide to call Alan and see when he will be in. He answers on the fourth ring.

“Olivia, hey, what’s up,” he asks rather curtly. He is being dismissive and vague.

“Alan, you were supposed to call and let me know when your flight would be in. I kinda need to know.” He sounds occupied, and somewhat perturbed. I feel like I am bothering him by calling. “Where are you Alan? Why do you sound like I’m bothering you…you sound, well really weird. What’s wrong?”

“Olivia, listen…Ummm, I won’t be able to make it in for Thanksgiving. I have business in London, so won’t be home until after New Year’s, actually.”

“What? Are you kidding me? This has to be a joke, Alan, and it isn’t funny. I mean it!”

“Listen, I know the timing is bad, but since I’m not where we can actually sit down and talk face to face, I have to tell you this way…and…. Olivia, I am so sorry. It’s true that work is keeping me in London, but I also have to tell you that I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now, and I am not coming home. At least, not in the sense of us as a couple.”

“Wait… Alan, are you telling me that you’ve slept with another woman? You’ve been unfaithful? Why? What have I done to deserve this Alan? I thought we were moving here to start over. Please! I don’t understand!”

Sounding a bit perturbed, he says... “Liv, look, it’s complicated. I hate to have to tell you this way, but there is no better way or time to do this. I can’t lie anymore. This is killing me and it’s not fair to either of you.”

Either of us? Is he kidding me? Do I really care what her feelings are? How much time has she put into the relationship? I’ve put goddam-near thirty years into mine! The times he went into another room to take a call “from work”? Was he really talking to her?

My heart sinks as I realize that my fears and suspicions are all now front and center. I sense that this other woman is in the room with him while he is talking to me; because of the way he’s speaking.

My intuitions were true. Right now, I just need to get off the phone with him... How could he do this to me? I am so confused and I don’t know what to say. I feel a panic attack coming on.

“Olivia, say something!”

I can’t—I can’t say a word. I can’t breathe. I feel embarrassed, hurt, ashamed, dirty, and like I’ve just been made the biggest fool in the world by someone I vowed to love till death do us part. Someone who vowed fidelity to me. My world has just come to a dead end.

“Olivia, are you still there? Come on! Talk to me dammit! Say something!”

I hit ‘end’ and disconnect the call. I don’t want to hear his voice, and there is nothing I can say right now. I start shaking. My heart is beating as though it will burst out of my chest. Now I’m scared. I begin to hyperventilate and I realize that I’m here all by myself. What should I do? I take deep breaths and continue walking around in circles. Tears began to flow hard and uncontrollably, and while I am somewhat relieved to learn my suspicions were right, I am hurt beyond belief. At this moment I feel as though all the life has been sucked out of me.

I pace around the kitchen, shaking my hands, wondering what I should do. I can’t call anyone, because what would I tell them? My husband found someone else and left me? He ended our thirty-year relationship with a goddamn phone call? Ash is in the city for the night, and I don’t want to bother him. I absolutely can’t call Lainey. I have no one to talk to. I go into the kitchen, open a bottle of wine, and head out onto the patio to sit out by the water and try and make some sense of this and think.

How in the world did this happen? What did I miss? What did I do to let this happen? What didn’t I do? What am I going to do now? I think back, analyzing our marriage, looking for signs I missed.

When Alan was out of town he always used to call me every night. I never in a million years thought I didn’t satisfy him, emotionally or sexually. We never really talked about it, but Alan wasn’t a talker—or a deep thinker for that matter…or at least with me. What didn’t I have that made him look for someone else? What does she have that I don’t?

I tried to be the perfect wife and mother. A million questions form in my mind. Was he actually with someone in bed when he would call and we talked? Had they had sex before or after we talked? When he missed a baseball game or a football game, I believed it was because of work—I believed it because this was what he told me. You trust your spouse. You’re supposed to. Trust. It’s the foundation a marriage is built on. Right?

How long was the foundation crumbling? God! I feel like such a fool. I was so wrapped up with my family and the life I thought was ideal that I missed, totally missed the fact that Alan was probably cheating. He always brought nice gifts from his trips for the kids and me. I have beautiful, expensive pieces of jewelry. Fool that I am, I thought he gave them to me because he loved me. I realize, now, that they were probably gifts given out of guilt, instead.

Olivia, you stupid fool!

My damned phone keeps ringing. I look at the caller ID. It’s Alan. I ignore the calls. How the hell can he call me back and expect me to answer? Hasn’t he said enough? What else is there to say?

I listen to the voicemails “Olivia, please, call me back. This isn’t the way I wanted this to go down. Please, call me back. I’m really worried about you. You’re scaring me! At least call me back and let me know you’re goddamn okay. Are you there by yourself? Come on…call me back dammit! You’re worrying me!”

I guess you are worried, you son of a bitch! Fucccccck yoooooou, I scream. Fucccccck yoooooou ! Tears stream down my face. I can’t stop crying. I am hyperventilating again and no one is here to help me. I panic…

Come on Olivia; get it together... breathe.breathe.breathe....

Talking to myself doesn’t work. My hyperventilation is getting worse. Realizing I need help, I run inside and quickly pull out a small paper bag from the pantry and breathe into it. I take several breaths into the bag. It sustains me. For now.

I open another bottle of wine and pour myself way too many glasses. After I’ve finished the whole bottle, I recline in one of the chaise lounges out on the patio, just blankly staring out at the lights on the lake. It’s getting cold, and my body is numb—numb from the cold and numb from the pain. I just wish I could go to sleep and forget about this. I keep thinking it’s just a bad dream and that I’ll wake up. It is so cold outside, but I don’t care. I can’t really feel anything, physically or emotionally. I stare up at the sky and start counting stars.

I remember when I was a kid, lying in the grass on summer nights looking up at the stars with my father. We used to look for the Big Dipper and star gaze. Those were happy times. Tonight I am counting stars looking for answers. There are no answers in the sky though. Is there anyone up there who can help me? Mom? Dad? Can you see me?

Maybe I’ll freeze to death and just die out here. After all, who would actually give a shit if I were to just die? I don’t even think I would mind if I just died and didn’t wake up. I’m probably drunk enough anyway. It starts to drizzle. I just wish I would fall asleep and not wake up—ever.

What have I done to deserve this? I am so, so cold, but I am channeled to another place. I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience. I keep asking myself why—why has Alan done this to me?

My phone and text keeps going off and I just want to throw the damn thing into the lake. Why does Alan keep calling? He’s told me that he doesn’t want me, but he keeps calling…

What the fuck!

I finally drink so much I pass out and curl up into a fetal position. It is the only thing I can do to find comfort. I imagine my mother’s arms around me, holding me tight, keeping me safe and warm. It’s still cold and drizzling. I vaguely hear the French doors burst open and feel someone’s arms wrap around me…it wakes me. I’m awake, but kind of in twilight. Is it my mother? Am I dreaming? Am I even still alive?

“Liv! Jesus! God!  What the hell have you done? You haven’t taken anything, have you?” He shakes me by my shoulders and pats my cheeks. “Talk to me!  Come on honey…say something!”

I wake slightly and think to myself, “What do you mean, what have I done?”

I realize its Ash. He quickly sweeps me up into his arms, holding me tight. “Olivia! Answer me—you haven’t taken anything have you? Answer me now! Goddamnit! Please, honey! Oh, dear God… come on Olivia please!” I shake my head no. “Oh! Thank God! Oh my God, honey, you’re wet and freezing cold. Let’s get you inside!”

He quickly takes me inside, wrapped in his arms, straight into his bathroom. He turns on the shower full force and immediately starts to take off my cold and wet clothes.

“Lift your arms!” he orders. I do as he says. He pulls my sweatshirt over my head, carefully takes off my bra, and pulls down my sweat pants. I am still in my tennis shoes and he can’t get my pants off.

“Kick your shoes off and step out of your pants, Olivia.”

I just stand there, motionless and numb. I can’t move. He kneels down and unties my shoes.

“Raise your foot and let me take your shoes off. Come on. Okay. That’s it. Now, step out of your pants.” I can’t make myself move, and he tells me again sternly, “Liv! Come on, lift your leg and step out of your pants now! Come on honey—hold onto me. I’ve got you. I’m right here. You can do it. Ok. Good. That’s my girl.”

I am on the outside looking in. I can feel him taking off my clothes, but can’t react. I stand in front of him, expressionless, naked except for my panties. I’m shivering, gone beyond control. He quickly takes off his white dress shirt and puts it on me. He gently and carefully buttons it up to cover me. The warm shower is running and he pulls me in the shower with him. He’s shirtless and barefoot, but still in his dress slacks. I try to catch my breath, but I can’t. I’m starting to panic, because I can’t breathe. Sensing that, Ash blows hard into my face hard and shakes me hard. He speaks to me loudly

“Breathe, Olivia! Goddammit! Please, honey—breathe. Oh, shit! Dear God!”

I can tell he is worried just as I finally catch my breath. All at once I scream—a loud, blood-curdling scream.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

He holds me close to him, my back to his front, with his arms around mine. “It’s okay, honey, scream. Just let it out. Scream loud—loud as you can. Come on, honey. Let it out…”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I scream again.

“That’s it, honey. It’s okay. I’m right here with you.”

I scream until I don’t think I can scream anymore. My throat is sore and raw. I’m breathless and hoarse; my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. We stand in the shower, his arms around me, and I finally feel warmth. I realize that he is shampooing my hair. He is massaging my scalp tenderly. He carefully rinses it and smoothes it back from my face. He washes gently the mascara off my swollen eyes with a soft washcloth.

We stand in the shower for a long time, just silent. Silent, because there are no words that can be spoken at this moment. Silent, because what can I say? Silent, because what can he say? I realize at this very moment that I will never ever be the same person again after this day is over. But then, who am I, anyway?

I thought I knew. I thought I knew what my life was all about, but today I don’t have a clue. I just don’t have a damn clue.

After what seems like eternity, Ash is satisfied that he has warmed me in the shower. I can hear that he has the bath running. I didn’t even notice him leave to turn it on. From the comfort of the shower, he lifts me out and places me in the tub. He gets in behind me and pulls me back against him. Still dressed, he sits with his long legs bent and me in between them.  His arms are wrapped around me, rocking me back and forth like a baby. He gently rubs my head, and I lean back on his chest. I stare straight ahead like a zombie. I look at the wall, and it seems like I am looking straight through it.

There are still no words spoken. I’m comforted to know that Ash is with me, but I have never felt the emptiness that I feel now. I am just a body—flesh with no soul. My soul has just been ripped out. Why me? What did I do—what didn’t I do? Surely this emptiness won’t stay with me forever?

As if he senses my despair, he says, “Honey, just relax, I’m here Let your body go. No one will hurt you now. I’m here.”

I can hear soft music playing. The singing is soft and soothing. It sounds like John Mayer. He’s singing about bad news not having good timing; about pain and the heart of life being good. How can the heart of life be good? Life’s just ripped my own heart apart.

Those words echo in my head—I keep repeating them in my head, over and over Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Unfortunate, but true.

Why did this happen?

Ash holds me close and keeps caressing my head. He still says nothing, but there is no need to. What words can possibly be spoken now? We stay in the tub for what seems like a long time. I still feel totally emotionally numb—no feelings whatsoever. This beautiful, caring man has me in his arms and is comforting me, but I feel nothing.

I totally didn’t see this coming. “Blindsided” sums it up. I feel like a complete failure.

“How did you know what happened?” I hoarsely whisper.

“Alan called and said he was worried about you. He told me what happened, and said you weren’t answering his calls. He asked what he should do. I told him he was an absolute fool. You really don’t want to know the rest of the conversation, but I told him I would come home to make sure you were okay and that I would stay with you and take care of you. From. Now. On. End of story. So here I am, honey. You’re safe now. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”