Now and Forever Still (3 page)

She laughed quietly, and I could hear her take a deep breath. “I’m fine, Seth, they’re just getting closer together.”

I clicked the automatic starter on my keychain, and my Audi Q10 roared to life. The snow was falling in fat, heavy flakes; the roads were sure to be shit. A chill went up my spine, but not from the weather. Snow storms. They reminded me of our darker time, and I hated it. The winter always brought me back to that fucking tattoo shop where I’d almost lost my whole life. Where I almost lost
her
.

“Seth?” Tiffany sounded concerned as I pulled open the SUV’s door and took a seat.

“I’m here. The weather’s shit.” The fear in my voice was bubbling to the surface.

“It’s bad here too.” She exhaled. “Will you be okay?”

“Yes.” I infused as much confidence into my voice as possible. She didn’t need to worry about me.

“Good, because the contractions… I think they’re getting stronger.”

“I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

“Okay, drive safely.” I heard the girls yell
I love you
in the background, and my lips spread into a giant smile.

“You tell that baby to wait till I get home.”

She laughed. “I’ll try my best. This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“Love you, Angel.”

“Love you too.”

I pressed the end call button and threw my phone onto the passenger seat. The wipers easily removed the snow from my windshield and, as I pulled onto the road, a calm washed over me. Tiff and I had been through our worst and we’d survived. We were about to have our third child — a child we’d never planned for, a child we’d chosen to wait and see what the sex was until he or she was born. Even though I secretly wanted a boy, I was okay with whatever the hell I was given, because my life, it should have never been this good, but with Tiff and my girls — I had it all.

THE CLOCK ON THE
stove read fifteen minutes past seven as I hung up the phone. The pizza guy had said deliveries would take up to forty minutes due to the weather. I placed my cell on the counter and bit my bottom lip. Seth should be home any minute. I hated that he was always anxious when it stormed. Even through the phone I could sense his unease. My stomach tightened again, and this time the pain radiated around to my lower back and my pelvis felt as if it would split open. I took short little breaths and worked through the pain. It was almost second nature now, but I had to mentally prepare myself for Seth. I shook my head with a laugh.
When I labored with Annie, those thirty-six hours, they had been pure hell, but Seth, he’d acted as if he thought I would die. He was this sexy smart-ass covered in beautiful ink, with eyes that ate me up and a mouth that could turn me into a puddle, but put him in a hospital setting, and all his rationality flew out the fucking window.

We worked hard in therapy to get through what had happened to me — to us — but the lingering effect of violence never truly fades. Seth loved me with his whole heart; he was my match, my soul mate, and I tried to remember that when he became too over protective. Liv’s labor only took nine hours; she was always in a hurry. But even then, Seth had been a wreck. It wasn’t until each baby had been born and the small life was in his hands that he would finally allow himself to breathe.

I brought my hands to my round belly. I missed that image. Seth holding our newborn. It was the most surreal and beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

“Mom, when’s dinner going to be ready?” Annie’s dark hair was pulled into a bun; her pink leotard was still on even though I’d told her to change before dinner.

“I just finished ordering pizza, so about forty minutes.” I rested my hand on the counter and braced myself as another contraction started.

“I’m so hungry,” she whined.

“Your dad will be home really soon, I promise. I spoke to him not twenty minutes ago.” My tone was harsh, and Annie frowned just as I closed my eyes. The pain was too sharp this time.

“Mom?” Annie worried too much, just like her dad.

“It’s okay, sweetie.” I exhaled as the pain eased. I’d been counting, and the contractions were about five minutes apart. “Where’s your sister?”

“Liv is having a tea party with Pippa Bear and her Pretty Pretty Princess doll.” She rolled her eyes and I laughed.

“Do me a favor? Can you pack an overnight bag for you and Livvie?”

“Why?” Her brow furrowed and she chewed at the corner of her lip.

“I think we might meet your brother or sister tonight.” My lips parted with a small smile, and Annie’s light blue eyes widened.

“Oh my gosh.
Liv
!” She turned to run down the hall, and as her ballet slippers hit the wood floor with a light clap, she squealed as she slipped. “Mom said the baby is coming,” she hollered as she pounded up the stairs.

I heard the garage door open and the anxiety in my shoulders relaxed.
He was home.
I did the best I could to compose my features as I moved to our bedroom. I reached down under the bed, grabbed the “hospital go bag” Seth insisted we had ready at all times, and dropped it on the bed. The zipper echoed in the quiet room as I checked to make sure everything I needed was there. A few changes of clothing, my toiletries, and raspberry Crystal Light packets. I couldn’t eat anything but ice cubes, so I flavored them… like I said, not my first rodeo. I smirked as I zipped the bag shut. Seth always worried for nothing.

“What’s that smile for?” Seth’s low timbre, still to this day, filled my stomach with flittering butterflies. I looked up at the mirror and caught his reflection. He only got better with age. Seth’s body was still in top condition, and the muscle under his navy V-neck sweater still showed through the fabric. His hair had peppered just a little with gray over the years, but he still kept it like he always had, short on the sides, longer on top, and deliberately messy. His clear blue eyes sent heat through my body and down my limbs as his smile pulled up on the side. He wrapped his arms around my belly from behind and kissed my neck, meeting my gaze in the mirror.

“I’m glad you're home.” I leaned my back against his chest.

His nose skimmed along the line of my neck as he inhaled a long breath. “I missed you.” He nipped at my shoulder and I giggled. As I turned to face him, his eyes moved to the bag on the bed and his smile faltered. “Tiff?”

“You ready to be a daddy all over again?” I asked with a shy smile.

His lips twitched and finally turned up at the corners with a sly grin. “If it’s a boy, we’re naming him Seth.”

I frowned. “No, I thought we discussed this. If it’s a boy—”

“Are we going to Grandpa’s?” Annie’s little voice turned Seth’s smile all the way to ten as he dropped his hold on me and turned to greet his daughter.

“Hey, sweetheart, is that a new costume?” he asked as he knelt down.

She ran and hopped into his arms with a giggle. “Daddy, it’s a lee-o-tard.” She emphasized each syllable and I laughed.

“Sorry, Annie, I’m still learning.” He squeezed her until she squeaked and then let her go. “Where’s Livvie?”

“She just finished serving tea to Pippa Bear. Mom, she won’t listen. I told her she needed to get her shoes on.”

“Mmm, she won’t listen. I wonder where she’s learned that?” I looked at Seth and tapped my upper lip with my finger. “I’m pretty sure I told you to change into something else when we got home from ballet class, but look, there you stand, still in your dance clothes.”

Annie rolled her eyes and groaned, “Fine.”

She turned and stomped out of the room. I narrowed my eyes at my husband as he chuckled. “What?”

“She learned all that sass from you. She’s so stubborn.” I turned to grab the bag off the bed, but Seth grasped my wrist and pulled me toward him.

“I’m pretty sure she got her sass from her mother, and she’s not stubborn — she’s strong willed.” He pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth, and my annoyance eased to barely a simmer.

“She’s stubborn,” I argued, but my lips melded with his regardless. I would’ve loved to get lost in this moment, the feel of his mouth on mine, his spiced scent surrounding me. But just as his teeth pulled at my bottom lip, my stomach muscles contracted and a low groan escaped my lips.

“Shit. Are you okay?”

I held my hands on my belly and bent over trying to relieve some of the pressure. I couldn’t speak. Seth’s warm hand rubbed circles in my back. “I’ll get the kids and I’ll call my dad in the car.”

I nodded as I breathed through the pain. He disappeared through the bedroom door. He was only gone for a few minutes, and by the time he got back, the pain had gone. He grabbed the bag from the bed and moved toward the door.

“I ordered pizza,” I remembered out loud.

“I’ll call them too. Let’s roll, Angel.”

I watched him. His shoulders were broad and sure; his eyes were filled with excitement. The fear I’d suspected never showed as he paused in the doorway and turned to look at me.

His smile spread slowly across his picture perfect face. “You coming?”

“Yes.” I took the two steps I needed to reach him. Seth reached out his hand and I laced my fingers through his.

“What if it’s a girl?” I asked and, if it was even possible, his smile beamed brighter.

“Then I’ll be a lucky bastard.” He squeezed my hand and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “Just as long as you and the baby are healthy… that’s all I really care about.”

He cupped my cheek with his free hand and placed his soft lips onto mine. It was just a brief kiss, a glimpse of his soul, but it was just what I needed to get me through what would most likely be a long night.

“Let’s go,” I said, and as we walked through our bedroom door, hand in hand, I had no doubt that everything would be just fine.

“IT’S A GIRL.”

The doctor’s voice was hardly audible above the shrieks of my newborn daughter. She had so much thick, dark hair I had to laugh. The nurse unbuttoned my wife’s gown and helped the doctor lay our baby on her chest. I hadn’t let go of Tiff’s hand the entire time and, as I sucked in a ragged gulp of air, I realized I’d been holding my breath through the last sets of push… push… push. Tiffany’s eyes spilled over with tears, and I released her hand so she could cradle our baby.
Our child
. I swallowed past the painful lump in my throat and locked eyes with my fucking champion of a wife.

The doctor picked up a clamp and offered me the chance to cut the cord, but I declined as always. I felt it was Tiff’s job. She’d made a life: she protected her, fed her, nurtured her — she should be the one to sever that bond, not me. Tiffany took the scissors in one hand and held the baby with the other.

She brought her eyes to mine. “Will you help me hold her?” Her words were shaky as she spoke through her emotion.

I placed my hand on my daughter for the first time, and my eyes filled with tears. You’d think after the third time I’d be used to this shit, but I wasn’t. Her tiny body was too fragile, and all the years ahead of us flashed before my eyes. Icing, birthday cakes, dance recitals, and pink slippers. Tiffany cut the cord, the nurses clapped and gave us their congratulations.

“Did you decide on a name?” One of the older nurses asked as she pulled Tiff’s gown over the baby and I removed my hand.

“Violet.” Tiff’s pride could be heard in each syllable.

“Yeah?” I asked, unaware of her final choice. She had been debating between boy names and girl names obsessively for the past three weeks.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it.” I sat on the edge of the bed as Tiffany positioned the baby at her breast.

It was the most natural thing, but to me, it was a phenomenon. This small creature set against the black swirls of ink on my wife’s chest, taking life from her body — it was amazing.

“Hi, little girl,” she said, and the tears fell from her eyes in small rivers. She held the baby with her left arm and took my hand in hers. “She looks like you, I think.”

I narrowed my eyes. “How can you tell? All babies are aliens if you ask me.”

“Seth,” she scolded me with a smile.

“I’m serious. Look at her, she’s like a little old man.” I laughed and Tiffany shook her head.

“She is not, she’s adorable.” She raised my hand to the back of the baby’s head. I didn’t care that they hadn’t cleaned her up yet; she looked just as she should in my wife’s arms. “Hold her hand.”

“You’re feeding her.” My eyes fell to the miniature hand resting on her breast, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to have her precious fingers wrapped around my own.

“It’s okay, she’s not really eating. She’s trying though.” Tiff’s hazel eyes sparkled as they met mine.

I moved my hand and dusted my thumb across the soft skin of Violet’s hand. She curled her fingers into a fist and then relaxed it again. I moved my index finger under her palm, and she instinctively wrapped her fingers around it. My heart skipped two full beats and my throat constricted.

“Hey there, little flower,” I whispered, and I heard Tiffany sniffle.

Three girls, three damn girls — I was screwed. I’d only met this little petal five fucking minutes ago, and already she had my damn number. I leaned over and kissed my wife. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Tiff’s grin was small but proud. “Remember, my heart—”

“Is your heart. Always, Angel, now…” I brushed my lips against hers. “… and forever still.”

Full House

Todd and Lily

“I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”

Jane Austen

THE FUZZY, WHITE COTTONWOOD
pollen was forming a drift along the west side of the house. The heat was fucking unreal for mid-June, and I should’ve headed inside, but instead, I allowed the dry heat to whip through the truck cab as I listened to the last bit of one of my favorite songs. It was just a little after five, and I could hear the kids playing in the backyard. Seth’s SUV was parked in the street behind Sawyer and Lizzie’s Jeep Grand Cherokee. I ran my hands through my thick salt and pepper hair and a few heavy strands flopped into my eyes. I refused to trim it; it was too shaggy for a man who was forty-eight, but I didn’t give a shit.