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As soon as he asked me what I wanted, I'd tell him. Me sitting on his dick. My back to his chest. My legs spread wide. Matthew kneeling before me, dragging his mouth over my cock.

Richard's breath came in shallow pants. He had one hand flat across his chest, a T-shirt-covered nipple pinched between two fingers. Without looking away from me, his hand drifted to his crotch and rubbed the erection through his pants. A few strokes later, he unbuttoned the top button. My plan was reforming. I'd watch him masturbate; tell him how to work himself over. All while I fondled Matthew awake.

I licked at my bottom lip, and Richard moaned. I kept working my lips with my tongue, never looking away from him. I ran my hand down the front of Matthew and pressed my palm against his cock. He let out a low, sleep-filled moan and rolled into the touch.

The light from the television changed as the local news returned from a commercial break. I hadn't been paying attention, but as soon as I heard it, Richard and his erection were gone. My hand on Matthew stilled.

All I could focus on was my father's voice.

“It is too early for me to talk about my plans for the next election. But if I do decide to run for the office of President of the United States, I know the great people of this state will support me in that endeavor.” A cacophony of cheers followed. A female reporter spoke. “Some have said the senator's chances of winning the presidential nomination are quite good. His energy bill elevated his popularity above either of the other recent picks.”

I clicked off the television.

So that's it.

The air in my lungs thickened. It caught in my throat.

Three men living together. The press would never leave us alone.

Richard's hand stilled with the ring of the telephone. He answered it, and without saying anything more than hello, handed it over to me.

I grabbed the phone with a shaking hand. “Yeah?”

The voice on the line sounded nothing like the polished, professional one from the television. “Did you see the news?”

My hand recoiled from Matthew. I clutched the back of the couch. “Yeah, Dad.”

Richard sat and watched me.

“I'm glad you saw it.” My father's voice hissed in my ear like a snake warning its prey. “Now maybe you'll understand what I'm up against. Maybe you'll do as I say.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to cancel your membership to that God-awful club, and I want you to move back to your own apartment. Living with two men; really, Luke? Could you have done anything more appalling? You and I both know whatever you've got going with those men isn't serious and it isn't going to last. You'll fuck it up eventually. Like Tim. So end it now.” I heard the threat his words didn't say.

“Fuck you, Dad.” I hung up the phone and slammed it onto the coffee table.

Matthew stirred. “What's wrong?”

“What is it?” Richard asked.

I shrugged Matthew off me and stood. I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I just... I can't.”

Matthew's wide, sleep-filled eyes stared up at me.

“I need to be alone.”

Richard stood and reached out for me.

I held up a hand and backed away. “I need a few minutes alone.”

“Okay. Matthew and I'll be here when you're ready.”

I staggered out of the living room and hesitated in the hallway. I glanced up the stairs and then at the front door. My decision made, I picked up my keys and headed out.

I crept into the house two hours later, numb from the beers— so many I'd lost count. Exactly how I'd wanted to feel when I'd stormed out earlier.

Most of the house was dark, but the hall light they'd left on offered enough illumination for me to do what needed to be done. I staggered into the dark living room and sat on the couch. I dialed the number and held my breath. Air seeped out of my lungs when I heard my mother's voice.

“Mom. It's Luke.”

“Oh, Lukas.” She sounded close to tears. “You shouldn't call here.”

Did she hate me so damn much we couldn't have one conversation every fifteen years? Or was I missing something? Could it be my father was pulling her strings the way he'd been trying to do to me? I couldn't bring myself to ask, though. With that one thought, I'd fostered a hope I hadn't allowed in years, and a part of me didn't want it crushed. Not yet.

“How are you?” she asked in a low whisper.

Another part of me didn't care about her reasons. “Just tell me... is he going to run?”

“He wants to. Can you please do as he asks?”

“I have stayed out of his life. I want him to stay out of mine.”

“He's looking for reassurance. If you could just— ”

“Does he think he can hide this? Hide me? Hide who I am?”

“Please don't make this harder for him.”

The sincerity of her voice disturbed me. “How would I do that? I'm living my own life. I haven't done anything to make life harder or easier for him. And I'm not about to start now.” Did he think I'd give them up because he ordered me to? What would he do to get them to hate me?

“Just try to be discreet. I think that's all he can ask of you.”

“Discreet? Sure, Mom. I've already told him I won't talk to the press. Tell him to leave me the hell alone.”

“I thought he was.” She paused. “He says you're living with someone. Is it serious?”

“Well, according to Dad I'm gonna fuck it all up, so what does it matter?” I hung up before she could say another word.

All the ways I could purposely be indiscreet raced through my mind.

They were also the ways I could hurt the two men sleeping upstairs.

I moved into the hall. My father was right about one thing. I was going to hurt them. The longer I stayed, the more it would hurt. Them. Me. Everyone.

If I left, they'd have each other. They wouldn't be alone.

Images of Matthew and Richard living in the house without me flashed before me. Talking, cuddling, laughing, fucking. It was all too much.

I sighed and climbed the stairs.

At the doorway of our room, I stopped, not able to take one more step. Matthew lay on his stomach, the blanket covering his legs, the top of his curved ass peeking out. Richard lay on his side. His large limbs were wrapped around the smaller man's body, the care and devotion between them palpable, even in their sleep.

Tears filled my eyes. For once, I let them fall.

Leaving would hurt. It would nearly kill me. I was man enough to admit that. It'd be worse than my parents. Worse than Tim. Worse than anything.

Matthew shivered. Using the back of my hand, I swiped the tears away and went to the bed. I raised the blanket, and he hummed as the warmth enveloped him. I stripped off my clothes and climbed in next to him.

Sleepy, dark eyes blinked open and widened. “Hey, Luke. Is everything okay?”

Richard stirred and lifted his head.

“Yeah. Fine. I needed some time to myself.”

Matthew rolled to his side. “That's okay. We all need our space sometimes. I'm glad you came home. We missed you.” He slid over and rested his head on my chest. He slipped his leg over mine.

“I've had a few drinks.”

“It's okay. Let me hold you.”

“What happened, Luke?” Richard asked, his voice soft, caring. It hurt to hear.

“I don't talk to my father very often, and when I do, he's an asshole. Sorry I took off.” It was what I always did. Whenever my father found me.

Matthew swept a palm over my chest, the touch soft, soothing, loving. He lifted his head and kissed me. His lips were warm and his tongue fluid. He wasn't asking for anything. He was comforting me, and the action filled me with sadness. Richard had been right. Matthew could give so much in a single moment.

That wasn't me. All I did was take. And take. And take.

Richard slid close behind Matthew. He cupped my neck with his hand. “You sure you're okay?”

I nodded.

Matthew pressed his lips against my neck, and Richard curled up around him. Together, they looked right, perfect, at peace.

Could whoever's on my chest get the hell off
? I needed to breathe.

I should never have gotten between them. I should never have moved in with them. I should have let them walk up the stairs at the Haven alone. Let them love and laugh and live without me.

Richard was asleep again in moments, but Matthew held me close to him. Maybe he sensed the inevitability of what was to come. He still clung to me when he fell asleep.

I lay awake, unsure what I'd do.

Unsure about everything.

I showered, dressed, and walked out the door before either of them woke. They were the actions of a coward, but if I stayed to see them, I'd do something I'd regret.

I couldn't concentrate at work, but I sat at my desk for the entire day anyway, unable to make a decision.

I waited until everyone else had gone home before I left. An hour later, I found myself on Walter's couch, drinking down the last of a beer.

He handed me another and sat across from me. I grunted in thanks.

The silence stretched out through the second beer.

“Want another?” he asked.

I did. But I had to go back and I didn't want to be drunk around Matthew. I shook my head. “If I need a place to crash for a few days... ”

“And here I thought it must be going good if you'd made it this long.”

“I can't stay there with my father watching my every move.”

Walter took a long pull on his beer. “Sure, it's about your father.”

I met his stare. “What else?”

“You're scared.”

“Am not.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I meant that to sound less juvenile than it did.” I stared down the mouth of the empty beer bottle. Was it possible to truly get lost in the bottle? If I kept drinking, would Richard make me leave Matthew? “It's just not a good fit for me.”

“Better to get out before what? You start to care?”

“Fuck off.” I tossed the bottle onto the coffee table and slammed the door on my way out. The rattling sound that lingered felt good.

I walked into the house and heard two muted voices in the kitchen. I strained to hear them.

No hint of anger or pain.

Matthew caught sight of me, and the relief was unmistakable. He moved with trepidation but still came to me as easily as he always did. His hands cupped my face. “You okay?”

“Yeah. My dad just gets to me.”

“What made you upset?” Richard asked. “Tell us what your dad said.”

“I don't need you fucking worrying all the time and trying to fix everything.”

His eyes narrowed. “It's who I am. I won't apologize for it.”

“I like it,” Matthew said. He sat next to him. “It's nice to know someone cares about me.”

“I do.”

“I know. Me too.” They leaned in and kissed. Easy. Right.

I went for a soda from the fridge. The bottle didn't make it to my lips, though. I mouthed the words more than said them. I tried again. “I can't do this anymore.”

“What?” Richard asked.

I set the soda on the counter and spoke louder. “I'm going to find an apartment.”

A chair scraped across the tile floor and banged on the wall. Richard towered over the table.

The sludge of the six cups of coffee I drank at work lurched in my stomach. Bile rose in my throat. The taste reached the back of my tongue, and I gagged.

Matthew stood beside me in a flash, one hand on my arm, the other on my hip. I didn't want to face him, but his hands insisted.

“No.” His voice cracked with the one word.

“I can't watch the two of you get closer and closer and not be a part of it. I can't.”

Matthew gripped my forearms. His eyes darted back and forth. “You are part of it.”

“It'll be better if I go. You deserve someone who can give you what"— I gestured with my hand between him and Richard—"what you give to each other.”

“You give that to us. You are a part of it.” He ran his hand from my shoulder to my elbow and back up. The stroke as warm and intimate as it'd been the night we'd showered together at the Haven.

“You don't need me,” I said.

“I need you both.” Matthew threw his arms around me. “Don't go.”

I jerked away and slid down the cabinet. “Oh God. I don't know if I can leave.”

Richard crouched in front of me. “But you want to?”

I leaned my head against the cabinet door. “I don't want to, but it's who I am.”

“That's bullshit. You're freaking. You're trying to push us away so you don't have to make a decision. So you'll have a reason to run.”

I met his green eyes. “Don't let me fuck this up.”

He pulled me to his chest and held me firm against him. “I'm not letting you go anywhere. No one's leaving me again.” A tremble vibrated his body.

Matthew curled against me, his head on my arm.

We stayed on the kitchen floor for a long while. Close. Silent. Still.

“You'll stay?” Matthew asked. His head lifted. His eyes pleaded.

“I'll try.”

His hand moved over my hip. The touch didn't arouse. It comforted.

“Can we go to the basement?” I asked.

Richard stilled the hand on my back. “Let's go up to bed instead.”

“No. I want to remember our first night. The way we were before I knew I'd be— I want it to be like that again.”

Richard was quiet for a moment. “Okay, Luke. Whatever you need.”

“Yeah. Tonight's for you.” Matthew smiled, the expression forced and nervous and scared.

If I left, I'd never see his easy, joyful smile again.

I needed to see it one more time.

I lay on the bed in the basement, my arms tied to the headboard. Matthew was straddling me, his cock in my mouth. And Richard was buried deep inside me.

It was exactly like the first night— only I didn't feel at ease. I didn't feel alive. Not like I had then.

I needed more.

Matthew's cock pulsed in my mouth. He came with a shriek, and I swallowed, nearly choking at the thought of never tasting him again.

He fell over onto his side. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him hard and in my mouth again. I ached to taste him once more.

Richard pitched forward. His lips brushed mine, the touch soft and gentle and full of love.