Loneliness (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (5 page)

Feeling stuck in a state of loneliness is like living without eyes and ears. You are unable to see the loving potential in those around you—those who may be “suitable helpers” and those who may also be searching for a friend. Likewise, you are deaf to the messages of hope and encouragement surrounding you—in your place of worship, in the Bible, and on the lips of friends and loved ones. Through placing your trust in God, you have the power of God available to you to fully see and hear, to move past your barriers of fear and doubt, and to build a bridge of connection to your brothers and sisters in Christ.

“We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.” (1 John 1:3)

When you feel as if the entire world has abandoned you, as if no one understands your pain and sorrow, the Bible promises that the Lord is with you and He will never leave you.

Psalm 63:1–8

In your loneliness and despair, have you distanced yourself from the Lord?

It is never too late to draw near to Him again. You are His precious child. And when you do return to Him, you will be welcomed with open arms.

This Scripture reflects the heartfelt joy of the psalmist when returning home to the shelter of God’s unconditional love and acceptance.

“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” (Psalm 63:1–8)

In these eight verses, David declares ...

• His relationship
  with God (v. 1)
  
• His pursuit
  of God (v. 1)
  
• His need
  of God (v. 1)
  
• His past experience
  of God (v. 2)
  
• His evaluation
  of God’s love (v. 2)
  
• His response
  to God’s love (vv. 3–6)
  
• His reliance
  on God (v. 7)
  
• His response
  to God’s help (vv. 7–8)
  
• His acknowledgment
  of God’s support (v. 8)
  

Orpah ultimately returns to
“her people and her gods”
(Ruth 1:15), but Ruth delivers perhaps the most beautiful discourse on commitment in all of Scripture and doggedly determines that Naomi’s God will be her God as well.

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.” (Ruth 1:16–17)

And so Ruth begins to serve, going into fields and gleaning behind harvesters, picking up leftover grain to provide for Naomi. By the providence of God, Ruth winds up gleaning in a field owned by a man named Boaz, who is a close relative of Naomi. He is a gracious, well-respected man who protects and abundantly provides for Ruth.

Boaz will become an even greater blessing to both women, as God’s perfect provision for their loneliness and need. Even as you learn to walk with the Lord as your constant companion, there will be times of loneliness. The following questions and answers may help you when you are lonely.

Learning to take charge of your thinking is critically important for one simple reason: Your thoughts exert a powerful influence on your emotions, and together, your thoughts and feelings direct your actions. When the language center of your brain is focused on truthful statements, this positive focus can override your painful negative feelings. In this way, your thoughts determine your emotions.

Think of your thoughts as a symphony conductor and your emotions as an orchestra. As such, your thoughts produce and “conduct” your feelings. When you are
feeling
lonely and sad, evaluate your
thoughts
, and you will find that they correspond to your emotions. When you change your thoughts, you may find your feelings lining up with what you are thinking.

Therefore, the next time you are in the throes of loneliness—with your emotions spiraling downward—empower the language center of your brain by thinking and saying positive comments, and you will diminish the power of your negative feelings!

The Word of God is not silent on the importance of thinking. The apostle Paul said ....

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

To equip you to control your thoughts ...

• A
  NALYZE
  your thoughts
  when you feel lonely.
  
  • Realize negative situations contribute to lonely feelings. Ask yourself, “What am I
    thinking
    that is making me feel so lonely?”
    
  • Remember your emotions react before the
    problem-solving center
    of your brain can accurately assess a negative situation. Say to yourself, “I need to breathe deeply, pray for wisdom, and give myself time to analyze what is going on inside of me.”
    
  • Use
    words
    to counter your feelings in order to lessen the strength of your painful emotions and take charge of them. Say to yourself, “These cruel words only reflect a wounded heart.”
    

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12)

• U
  SE
  the language center of your brain
  to evaluate your emotions.
  
  • Ask yourself:
    

    “Why am I feeling this way?”
    

    “What lie(s) am I believing about myself?”
    

    “What wrong thoughts am I believing about others?”
    

  • Evaluate the outcome of your painful situation.
    

    “Is it ‘the end of the world’?” (No!)
    

    “What is the worst thing that could happen?”
    

    “Is God not powerful enough to get me through this?”
    

  • Identify your losses of love, significance, and/or security (your three basic, God-given inner needs).
    31
    

    “Is my need for love not being met?”
    

    “Is my need for significance unmet?”
    

    “Is my need for security going unmet?”
    

“ ... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

• E
  NGAGE
  the problem-solving portion of your brain
  to resolve your feelings of loneliness.
  
  • Look for erroneous thinking, such as overestimating the severity of the present situation. Counter negative thoughts with positive ones. Repeat:
    

    “I am not alone.”
    

    “I can handle anything with God’s help.”
    

  • Curtail catastrophic thinking by emotionally detaching from the situation enough to make a truly objective appraisal of the
    real
    impact it is having on you and on your life.
    

    “What exactly is happening?”
    

    “What positive outcome could occur from this situation?”
    

    “How might God use this for good in my life?”
    

  • Determine to practice positive thinking to increase the odds of having a positive outcome. Ask yourself:
    

    “What can I learn from this about myself? About God? About others?”
    

    “How can I glorify God in this situation?”
    

    “How can this situation help me grow in my dependence on the Lord?”
    

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

• E
  XPOSE
  your automatic, negative thoughts
  that lead to excessive feelings of loneliness.
  
  • If you feel undeserving of meaningful relationships, tell yourself, “I am loved by God, and He has created me for loving, meaningful relationships.”
    
  • If you belittle yourself by referring to yourself as “stupid, a loser, flawed, or defective,” discard such degrading names and tell yourself truthfully, “I have received genuine compliments from others, and God has promised to be my sufficiency. I am a new creation in Christ and am being made perfect in Him.”
    
  • If you overgeneralize, you rob yourself of hope, assuming you will “always” be alone or “never” be happy. Drop “always” and “never” from your vocabulary, and celebrate your successes. Tell yourself:
    

    “God is in me and is faithfully working to accomplish His purposes through me. My joy is complete in Him.”
    

    “I can have the loving relationship He designed for me.”
    

    “I can achieve His purpose.”
    

  • If you live with a dialogue of demands—what you “should, must, have to, or ought to do”—begin thinking in terms of what you would “like, prefer, or wish for.”
    

    “I would appreciate being invited to the dinner, but if I’m not, it’s not the end of the world.”
    

    “I would prefer to be liked by him, but if I’m not, I will live. After all, God has promised to meet my needs.”
    

    “I wish I would be accepted into that organization, but if I’m not, God still has something for me. That is in my best interest.”
    

    “I would love to be recognized for my contribution to the team, but God recognizes my accomplishments and is pleased with them.”
    

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2)

• D
  ISARM
  your thoughts that produce loneliness
  by asking yourself questions that produce valid, optimistic thoughts.
  
  • If you isolate from others—thinking you will do something embarrassing—ask yourself:
    

    “How fatal is embarrassment?”
    

    “When was the last time I was embarrassed and what was the result?”
    

    “Since everyone feels embarrassed from time to time, does it mean they are stupid or just normal like me?”
    

    “Can’t God help me overcome any embarrassing situation I might encounter?”
    

  • If you assume that others think negatively about you, ask yourself:
    

    “Have they done anything to confirm my suspicions?”
    

    “If I don’t think negatively about them, why would they think negatively about me? Could they be similarly concerned about what I think about them?”
    

    “Why would they be thinking about me in the first place?”
    

    “Isn’t God the one I should be concerned about pleasing rather than people?”
    

  • If you delay starting a new activity because of a fear of failing, ask yourself:
    

    “Aren’t my chances of succeeding better if I remain positive in my attitude and just take one step at a time?”
    

    “Why am I giving in to fear by procrastinating?”
    

    “Can’t God and I successfully meet this challenge together?”
    

  • If you think you are powerless and unable to cope with a negative situation and unpleasant outcome, ask yourself:
    

    “What solid resources do I have in the form of supportive people, finances, health, talents, and skills to help me out?”
    

    “What steps can I take to address the situation?”
    

    “Hasn’t God been faithful to help me through tough times in the past?”
    

    “Can’t I count on Him to be there for me now?”
    

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

By dealing with the mental aspects of loneliness—practicing the skill of
controlling your thoughts
—you are laying a foundation necessary for removing the power of loneliness from your life.

The book of Lamentations emphasizes the impact of your thoughts, of what you say to yourself, and what you
call to mind:

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the L
ORD’S
great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The L
ORD
is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” (Lamentations 3:21–24)