Inner Legacy (13 page)

If I may turn briefly to the notebooks and their possible explanation.

Is it possible he is describing the journey through purgatory? Or is it an allegorical tale of a different type of spiritual journey. I sense a resonance in my own journey in that realm. I don't think for one minute that these are the ramblings of someone who has crossed a border of sanity nor do they read as drug induced dreams or fantasies. At least not to me.

I wonder if he was reaching out to you knowing that if you had embraced the faith you would understand his writings? Was he suggesting you take a serious interest in the mystical writings and experiences? I am just guessing here. I am surprised if I may lay bear my own prejudices to find such material coming from a Protestant clergyman, but then I didn't know him I have nothing to base that opinion on, had the material been from a Catholic source it would have been more understandable. Do you have any thoughts on this?

I know you are busy but I look forward to your response when you have time.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers, sometimes I confess in a most distracting way.  I pray for guidance and strength but you cannot be unaware of my feelings.

Yours in Christ,

Emma

Emma-2

Dear Adam,

You are right to chastise me, although you have done so gently and I appreciate that greatly. Our lives have crossed and there is much that could happen between us so it is better to steer for moment clear of any physical meeting. Yet you can have no doubt that my heart does burn with love for you and I fear yours may burn for me. We have chosen the paths of celibacy and yet this attraction feels right rather than wrong. Yet my devotion and I pray yours too must be to serve the greater love, the one your Grandfather so obviously found. Yet he found it within the love of marriage.

I strive to follow in that path and the more I reread your Grandfather's journey the more I see it as a spiritual lesson for us to follow. You must pray for me for I fear I am weak in the flesh and where I ought to be able to seek peace and communion with the Divine my thoughts and emotions are interrupted constantly by you. I am making bold my declarations as I felt your last letters have enabled and encouraged me to be open and honest lay all before you.

I have to confess to you that one word from you and I would abandon all to be with you in a relationship of love and marriage and that of course is not possible without the breaking of vows. It has led me to dwell on the nature of love itself and how it is a reflection of the Divine love and union. So far have I dwelt on this that I come at last to question the benefits of celibacy and wonder about St Paul's advice that it is better to marry than burn. I fear I burn. Yet he also commends the better way of complete devotion to the Divine. I struggle day by day with this and ask you to join with me in prayer that our souls may focus on where they ought and that we may experience that deeper love.

In His Name,

Emma

****

Dear Adam,

I apologise for my last letter. I let my emotions get the better of me. I know you declare a great fondness for me and say it is nothing more and yet I cannot quite believe that.

In quiet repentance,

Emma

****

Dear Adam,

My heart has been quietened at last. I am glad to hear of your spiritual progress and your greater understanding of the depth of the your Grandfather's experiences. From my own life and reading I have to stress to you that such states are not to be reached by acts of will or devotion, they are not even to be sought after, they come to us as gifts. Why they are given I do not know and where and to whom I have no idea. There is no reason as far as I can see. Those who experience such things have not sought them but have stumbled upon the experience or have had it thrust upon them.

I know my heart has been quietened in order to allow me to focus more fully upon that which is important. I do not believe I quieted my own heart.

In quietness,

Emma

****

Adam,

I am delighted to hear your news. It gladdened my heart.

I understand you have no words now.

Share when you can and when you are able.

Emma.

And in the end...

And in the end there was a great silence. I knew as my Grandfather knew. I was at peace. My struggle was over. I was home at last. All things fell away as dust falls from a shaken rug.

I understood at last what I had read. I understood why it had been left to me to read. I too faced down my own dragon and perfect love cast out the fear in my heart, I too at last found the road of complete submission and transcended all that had been normal in my life.

I had for a long while stood at a split in the path ahead of me and I struggled long and hard. Down one path had lain Emma and the possibility of both earthly and divine love and bliss. How easy it would have been to have taken that road. I stood there a long time struggling. Letters written but never sent. I no longer write. I chose in the end the other path, the choice was hard. The road was rough and far from easy and how often did I stumble and call out, almost a broken man and longed for the easy road instead. I was afflicted in my body. Knocked down and bloodied.

And in the end I came to the hidden place.

****

The red match head is scraped down the rough edge of the matchbox and jumps into flame. The darkness recedes. I can see well enough now to select my taper and light it making sure it has caught the flame before I blow gently on the match to extinguish the flame.

I light my votive candles one by one and they flicker into life within their red glass containers. The room brightens and the icon of Our Lady becomes visible, the flickering light turning the gold into a fire that animates the icon. I cross myself slowly and then kneel down on the hassock before my little altar.

The oratory is quiet with the stillness of night. I sit back on my heels for a period of remembrance before I embark on my night prayer. The Jesus Prayer, Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, runs through my mind in rhythm with my breathing. It is a given constant in my life and while my mind recites it I am also free to meditate and remember.

Tonight I will pray for the soul of my Grandfather. I do this annually on the anniversary of his death.

When my period of remembrance is over I open the book on my little altar and take out his photograph and place it under the icon of Our Lady and begin my prayers for his soul.

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