I Love You, Always (10 page)

I swallow at the possibility. “Really?”

I watch Mia step towards the bed again. “Viviane is a doctor, Luke, she knows what she’s talking about.”

“You told me that, Mia,” I say sarcastically, as I turn to face Jared and make some equally smart assed comment to him about bringing me up here. Of course he would do something like this, when he knows I’m checking out of hospital against doctor’s orders.

But before I can, Jared stands up, next to my sister. Viviane and Mia are both smiling at me, and the three of them form a picture I don’t think I’ve ever seen. But it’s Mia in the middle of them that really
gets
me. She’s holding Viviane’s arm as though they are old friends, but her body is tilted back towards Jared, who stands behind her. But the biggest surprise is her face, and the smile that reaches her eyes, lighting them up in a way I’ve never seen before.

What the fuck has happened here while I’ve been asleep?

I’m about to ask when Viviane interrupts me. “I think today though, it might be a good idea for you to get up,” she says, moving to draw back the blinds. The light is bright, forcing me to close my eyes, but the pain doesn’t get any worse. “I’d like you to try and eat something and then maybe go outside and get some fresh air. You can sit out back on the porch.”

Mia is pulling me from bed now and I have no choice but to get up. My legs feel shaky when I place them on the floor, but Mia and Jared stand on either side of me, supporting me as I stand up.

I exhale loudly as I try to accept the help I’m not used to receiving. I turn to Jared to say thank you, but his look shuts me up. There is no sympathy in his eyes, no
I’m sorry
on his face, there is only a look that says, come on we’re getting you better and you will learn to forget this. And I find myself smiling as he laughs and says, “Doing this for a drunken Ben is far worse.”

A half hour later, I’m showered and sitting outside on the back porch overlooking a yard that can only be described as enormous. As I glance around, taking in the gardens, the tennis court, and the huge swimming pool, I can hear Mia and Viviane talking non-stop as Jared pulls up a chair beside me. There is a pile of food on the table that looks amazing and I reach for the glass of orange juice that’s been put in front of me. Lifting it to my mouth, my eyes meet Jared’s as he watches me take it all in.

“Now you know why the medical bills don’t matter,” he says.

I nod. He’s loaded, obviously. He and his family are absolutely loaded. Just like my family, only I don’t have that money anymore and there’s not a chance in hell I’d ever ask them for any of it either. I put the glass down. “How’d we get here?” I ask. “I don’t remember any of it.”

Jared smiles. “I know, that’s because your stubborn ass should’ve been in the hospital,” he says, shaking his head at me. “But, because it wasn’t, when you passed out, I got organised.”

“Organised?”” I ask, not understanding.

“Yeah, I got Ben to come and pick us up from the hospital,” he says, glancing into the kitchen where my sister and his mom are still talking. “And then I told him to bring us up here. There was no chance I was letting you go home, not in this condition,” he says, gesturing to my face. “And not while your dad might still be around.”

I haven’t really thought about where he might be. He’s been on my mind constantly since it happened, at least when I’ve actually been conscious, but it’s more me reliving what he did and how I feel about it all. And that part is easy
;
angry, pissed, furious, livid, and ultimately, fucking hurting.
In more ways than one.
I still don’t think I’ve actually accepted what he did to me. Mainly because I’m not sure I can really believe he’s gone this far.

But in all that, I’ve never really thought about him coming back to try and convince me to go back to L.A. again. I have absolutely no idea what he thinks about what he’s done to me, or whether he’d consider using the same method again. One thing I am sure about though, is that he isn’t sorry he did it.
Not at all.

“I don’t know where he is, J,” I say quietly.

“I know, which is why we came out here. First things first, you’re going to get better. Then, we figure out whether we need to move or not.”

“Jared, fuck,” I say, as I run my hand over my face. “Jesus fucking Christ,” I wince, the sharp pain reminding me once again what my asshole father has done. “We can’t move, J, I’m not making you do that. I’ll just move out, find somewhere else to live. This isn’t your problem.”

I hate my father so much right now, really fucking
hate
him. It’s one thing for him to try and ruin my life, God knows he already did that enough when I was growing up. But to fuck up Jared’s life too, that is something else. I won’t let him do that, and I definitely won’t let him force my friend to move just because of me.

I watch as he stares at me. “Jared, seriously. I’ll move out, you’ve already…” The look on his face stops me now. He’s angry, for sure, but it’s a hurt angry and it confuses me. “What?” I ask him, the word harsher than I intend it to be.

“When are you going to get it through your stubborn fucking head that I am on your side, that we are friends?” Jared asks.

“Jared, come on man…”

“No, Luke, you come on. We’re friends okay, good friends. And friends do this sort of shit for each other. This is not something I have to think about, dude. This is not something I would consider
not
doing. So how about you just shut the fuck up and let me help you.”

“Jared…” I try again.

“What?”

I take a deep breath, confused by what it is I’m feeling now. I don’t understand Jared or why he’s doing this for me. Getting me to the hospital was one thing, but the doctors, the treatment, coming to visit every day; that is something else entirely. And now this, fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to even handle this, let alone try and make it up to him.

I take a deep breath as I work out the only thing I do know at the moment. “We’re not moving, okay?” I finally say to him. “I’m not letting that asshole do that.”

I watch as Jared rolls his head on his shoulders. He looks tense and I guess I haven’t stopped to consider what all of this has actually done to him. Eventually he looks back at me. “Alright, we won’t move. But you are thinking about going to the cops with this.”

“Jared…”

“No, I’m fucking serious, Luke. I don’t give shit if he’s your father or not, no one should get away with doing what he did,” he says, completely serious. “No one.”

I sit here watching him and I know he’s right. If it were any other person, if
I
was any other person, I would do something about it. And even though I know it would destroy my father, and it’s probably the right thing to do, I just can’t do it. I don’t want to, because at the end of the day, it is just so much easier for me to walk away and forget about it. Forget about everything he did to me and just try to pretend he doesn’t exist anymore.

Even though that is literally, fucking impossible.

But I can’t tell Jared this, so instead I try smiling at him as I say, “Sure, as soon as we get back.” Knowing I’m completely full of shit.

Jared just nods at me as reaches for his drink. I’m not sure whether he believes me or not. I don’t think so, but I’ll deal with that later. In the meantime, there is one other issue that needs to be taken care of, because I can’t stand the idea of owing anyone, much less this guy, for anything.

“Jared, you have to let me pay you back for all of this. The hospital, everything,” I say, waving my hand around the porch, not really sure what else I’m including in this.

He exhales, his hand running through his hair. “Luke, don’t worry about it. I told you, Mia has already paid me back for everything, all the bills are taken care of, okay?” he says, nodding at me. “Like I said dude, that girl’s as stubborn as you are.”

I watch the smile that forms on his face now as he talks about Mia. His eyes have drifted from me to her as she walks out with his mom and takes a seat next to me. As I watch the pair of them, a thought suddenly occurs to me. I almost laugh at what I should have seen coming, at how obvious it all is.

“You alright?” I hear Mia ask me and the only thing I can do is smile, knowing there is no one I would trust more to look after her.

I never thought, never ever thought

I could fall any more in love with you

But with every single second that passes

I do

∞

“What do you feel like for dinner?” I ask as we walk back into our apartment. We got back to Boston earlier today, in time for Ash’s last doctor’s appointment. She has her stitches out now and everything apparently looks good. Aside from the missing spleen, there’s no permanent damage according to her surgeon. I’m not so sure the same can be said for me, though. Getting away to Jared’s parents’ house didn’t get rid of the nightmares.

“I don’t mind,” she says, following me into the kitchen. “Let’s just get a pizza.”

“You don’t want me to cook for you?” I ask, pulling her into my arms.

Ash smiles up at me. “No, I want you to rest,” she says, her arms wrapping around my waist.

“I’ve been resting for the last week and a half, Ash,” I say, knowing that apart from the crappy sleeping, we did nothing but sit around reading, watching TV, and laughing at Mia and Jared as they started up their
Guitar Hero
battle again. I never knew my sister was so good, but it was damn funny watching her kick Jared’s ass.

“I know,” she says, pressing up on her toes to kiss me. “So what’s one more night then?” she asks before she turns to grab the take-out menu.

And that’s when I realise what she really means. I might not have done much for the last few weeks, spending all of my time with Ash and making sure she was okay. But, she also knows I haven’t been sleeping on any of those nights either, even after we got away from here.

I might have got a couple more hours while we were at Jared’s parents’ place, but it was still only a few hours of nothing, until the horrors of that night once again played out in graphic detail. I’m still getting the variations; no dream ever seems to be the same as the one before. But they do all have one thing in common; they end with me losing her. A horrible nightmare that I can’t stop and worse still, render me completely powerless. Every night I wake up with a pounding heart, my body covered in sweat and if I’m really unlucky, a strangled cry which tends to wake her up too. And this is infinitely worse, because she needs her sleep and more than anything, I don’t need her to be experiencing all of this shit with me.

But she’s right, I’m exhausted from trying to fight it all, from trying to the stop what took place that night in my nightmares. Exhausted from trying to fix everything that happened to Ash, or from wondering if the police are ever going to catch the fucker who did this to her. But no matter how many times the scenario plays out in my sleep, I just can’t let it go. I can’t stop it from happening, I can’t take any of it back and I cannot stop reliving it. And it’s fucking killing me.

I don’t even want to go to sleep anymore.

“Luke, what do you feel like?” she asks, bringing me back to the here and now, where both of us are safe in our apartment.

I shake my head, trying to clear it. “Whatever you feel like, Asha, you pick, beautiful.” And I catch the look she gives me before she picks up the phone and places our order.

We eat our pizza on the couch in front of the TV, catching a re-run of the original
Fast and Furious
movie. I know she loves these, I remember smiling when I found the set in her movie collection way back before she moved in with me. She has this thing about certain movie series, and even though we own this movie, this is what she picks to watch tonight.

Halfway through the movie though, I’m no longer watching it and neither is she. Instead, I’m lying on the couch with Ash’s body half lying on mine as she kisses me, neither of us paying any attention to the TV.

We are home alone. Jared and Mia are still back in Connecticut, staying on for another week. My hand has found its way under her sweater and my fingers are pressed against her warm skin. Ash slides her hand under my t-shirt and over my stomach, sending a shiver all through me. I want to pull her sweater off so fucking badly right now. But I don’t. I’m so scared I’ll hurt her after everything that’s happened, and as much as I want her, I force myself to hold back.

Eventually it’s Ash who pulls back, her breathing harder as she looks down at me with a smile on her face that makes my stomach flip. “I’m
gonna
take a shower and go to bed,” she whispers, her voice achingly sexy. “Want to join me?”

I swallow hard, my voice disappearing now as I can only nod at her.

She lifts herself off me and I watch as she reaches over and switches off the TV before heading to our room. I know that if I jump in that shower with her, I’ve got absolutely no chance of keeping my hands off her. None.

But still, I get up and walk into our room. And when I hear the sound of the shower starting up, I don’t even think about it, I start to pull my clothes off. I have no idea how I’m going to control myself in there with her and when I open the door and see her standing under the water, her body arching as she rinses the shampoo from her hair, I’m absolutely positive I’m going to lose it.

I step in anyway and watch as Ash combs her fingers through her hair before turning to face me, wrapping her arms around my waist as she pulls me closer. I step under the water, which right now I wish was freezing fucking cold so I could at least try to calm myself down. It’s no good though, the second this girl’s hands are on my body, I’m helpless. In fact, the second she looks at me, I’m gone.

“Asha,” I moan as she steps even closer, pressing herself against me.

“What?” she whispers and I can feel her lips against my neck.

I close my eyes as my arms wrap around her shoulders, holding her tight. I want this woman so badly right now. “Take it easy, beautiful. Please…” I whisper, and even I can hear how completely unconvincing I sound.

“I’m okay, Luke,” she says, smiling against my neck, her fingers digging into my hips.

I want to believe her, I really do. I know her doctor said she was fine and she certainly seems like she is. And right now, my resistance is on the verge of completely caving. I’m just about to say fuck it and give in to what my body is screaming out for, when she pulls back. Glancing down, I see she’s smiling up at me, the soap in her hands now as she turns me around and starts washing my back. I actually groan out loud at how her hands feel against me, and I have to grip onto the shower door just to steady myself. I really need to get out of here before the last of my so-called resistance just completely disappears.

When she’s done washing my back, I turn and grab her cheeks with both hands and press my mouth hard against hers. I kiss her deeply, stepping closer so my body is pressed entirely against hers and showing her exactly how much I really do want her. If this is going to happen, which at this point, I’m certain it is, then it needs to not be in here. I need to get out of here and wait for her, wait to see if she really wants this.

“I’ll see you in bed,” I whisper against her lips, before turning and getting out of the shower.

By the time Ash comes out of the bathroom, I’m lying in bed, pretending to read, even though I wouldn’t have a clue what book is even in my hands. I have a million thoughts racing through my brain, all of which involve Ash and the things I want to do to her. As she walks towards me, my eyes are fixed on hers. She’s completely naked, which is nothing unusual, neither of us ever wears anything to bed. But it’s the way she’s looking at me as she walks over that really takes my breath away. She’s looking at me like she’s pissed I got out of the shower and just left her there. She’s looking at me like she’s completely frustrated and on edge.

And she’s looking at me like she’s got only one thing on her mind.

Sex.

I try smiling, my heart skipping in my chest as my mouth goes completely dry with lust for this woman. She gives me a tiny smile back and just when I didn’t think it was even possible, she looks at me in a way that turns me on even more than I thought possible.

We haven’t been together since the day she got shot, in that back room at the club, and I’ve missed her so bad it hurts. I love her; really love her. Love every single thing about her, but she makes me
want
her like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life. But I’ve been so afraid of hurting her that I’ve waited. Waited until she is ready.

It looks like she’s ready now though, really ready.

We’re still staring at each other when she comes to a stop by the bed. She’s on my side, not hers, but she doesn’t get in. Just stands there, naked, gorgeous, and so unbelievably sexy, it hurts. My eyes drift down to her scar, which has a faded a little. The redness has gone, and although it still brings back painful memories, I can look at it now. Because now I’ve realised what her scar really means. It’s her saving my life. It’s her coming back to me. And it’s her finally starting to live again. And because of that, I think it’s beautiful, just like she is.

I look back up at her and she’s still standing there looking at me.

“You okay?” I ask, throwing my book onto the bedside table. I watch her bite her bottom lip, still with the tiny smile on her face and it makes my stomach flip, makes me want to drag her down to the bed and kiss her. Kiss her senseless. “Ash?”

She doesn’t say anything, just pulls back the covers and gets in on my side of the bed, straddling my naked, and still very turned on, hips. My heart starts to hammer in my chest at the same time my hands reach out and rest on her waist, holding her against me. I run my thumb lightly over the scar, never taking my eyes off her face. She’s looking at me with nothing but that sexy little grin on her lips and a fire in her eyes. I can’t look away. I cannot take my eyes off her.

“You sure?” I ask, my voice hoarse with want now.

She leans down to kiss me but just before her lips touch mine she whispers, “Oh yeah, Luke, I’m very sure.”

I feel my hands slide up her naked back, the lingering warmth of the shower still on her skin. Ash slides her hands over my chest and around my neck and I groan so loudly it’s almost embarrassing. “Asha…” I hear myself say. “You sure you’re okay?”

I feel her smile against my mouth before she says, “You know, you ask me that question a lot, Luke.”

“I do?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, “you do.”

“It’s only because I need to know,” I whisper, my mouth against hers. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Her hands hold my face as she looks into my eyes. “I’m okay, Luke, I’m actually a whole lot more than okay. At least I will be in a second.” She’s smiling now and that fire is still there. I groan again, because I just can’t stop it.

She slowly moves against me as she sits on my hips and I sit up, pulling us closer together. Our arms wrap around each other, our chests touching and we kiss now, like we haven’t kissed each other in forever. Her fingers are digging into my back, and I just want her closer. I slide us down the bed and pull her down so she lies on top of me. I’m kissing her like I can’t get enough of her and I know it’s because I can’t. It’s only been weeks, but it feels like years and all I want to do is be with her, be inside her… love her.

“Fuck, I want you so bad, Asha,” I hear myself saying, unable to control anything anymore.

“Luke,” she whispers, her lips still kissing mine.

“Yeah?”

“Show me.”

“Show you?”

“Show me how much you want me.” It’s like she’s reading my mind, like she knows exactly what I want, what I need. And it’s exactly the same thing she wants.

I groan again. “Asha, I want you more than anything. More than
anything
.”

She pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Show me.” Her voice is confident, sure, determined. So I listen.

I roll us over so she’s beneath me now. Running my hand all the way down her body and over her hip, I reach her thigh, the back of her knee, hitch it up so I can slide into her. She groans as she arches her body towards mine, her head pushing back against the pillow. I press soft kisses up the length of her neck, all the way to her jaw as she wraps her leg around me, holding me against her. I have to stop for a second so I don’t completely lose it. It’s almost like being with her for the very first time.

“Show me, Luke,” Ash begs, lifting her head, her lips touching mine. “I want you to show me.”

So I do. And even though I don’t want to hurt her,
I can’t help it
,
I lose total control
. But Ash doesn’t complain, if anything she pushes me harder, forces me to keep going. Her words and her response, her reactions to everything I do, destroying whatever tiny bit of resistance I was still hoping to hang on to.

I lose complete control with her, and both of us love it.

When I wake up it’s still dark. I’m not sure why I’ve just woken up though, what it was that pulled me from sleep. I turn and look at Ash, expecting her to be sleeping beside me, but instead she’s
wide awake
and smiling.

“Hey,” she says, reaching out and brushing her fingers over my cheek.

I smile back at her. “Can’t sleep?” I ask.

“Mmmm, just enjoying the view,” she says. “Looks like you’re finally sleeping though.” I stop for a second. Yeah, she’s right. No nightmare tonight. Whatever it was that woke me up just then, that wasn’t it. “No bad dream?” she asks, reading my mind.