Happy Chaos (4 page)

Jason and I thought it was hilarious that the only proof of competence that we needed in order to take our baby home from the hospital was that we had a car seat. I mean, of course a car seat is essential, but what if we had no idea what to do with the baby once we got her home? Anyway, we stopped laughing about the whole car seat thing when Jason realized how incredibly complicated it was to install the first time. Don't feel bad if it takes a while. It took us only three hours to figure out.

When those well-meaning friends who love you say, “Hey, let us know what we can do to help,” don't be afraid to be really specific with them. It's okay to ask for help. It makes everyone feel useful and a part of the experience. The same holds true for family members. If your baby is the first grandchild, the grandparents may need some advice as to how to be most helpful. For me, the best thing was food, and our family, friends, and neighbors were incredibly generous. Especially when you're breastfeeding, you won't believe how hungry you can get, and there's nothing like comfort food that you don't have to make yourself. And if you suddenly realize there's something you need that you don't have, by all means ask a friend if they can make a run to the drugstore or baby store for you.

So you have these two things on your body (your nipples) that you typically handle with care. Then, all of a sudden, you treat them to the suction of a human vacuum cleaner over, and over, and over again. Not exactly a recipe for comfort. You definitely want to have ointment handy for when the inevitable soreness and chapping occurs, but here's something else you can do: Get them ready. Just like an athlete going into training, you can start getting your girls prepared. I've known some moms who recommend using a loofah (gently) on their nipples in the weeks leading up to their due date. Other moms ask their partners to give the girls a lot of attention so they're a little more accustomed to the workout they're about to receive. Honestly? That sounds more fun than a scrub to me. Nothing is foolproof, but at least it's something. And either way, I promise you they won't fall off. Even if they bleed and you call the doctor thinking they are tearing off, they don't.

Besides the sore nipples, I loved the time I spent breastfeeding my girls, and I was really lucky to have a pediatrician who supported me all the way. At a certain point, though, I wasn't producing enough milk for my little ones, so I had to switch to bottle-feeding. And I didn't beat myself up about it. When I was nursing and bottle-feeding, that time I spent nurturing my babies was beautiful, and I treasured every moment . . . even when I was half asleep. If you're having trouble with breastfeeding, I definitely recommend getting some help from a qualified lactation consultant (your pediatrician can give you recommendations). I will never forget the lovely lady who came into my hospital room like a mighty warrior and said, “Come on, let's get them ready.” As she wrapped her hands around my breast to help me get my milk going, I couldn't help but smile. And as with everything, go with your gut and do what's best for you and your baby.

Of course there are a million things to buy for a new baby, from the absolutely essential to the unnecessary. I definitely recommend a less-is-more approach. Don't rush out and buy everything you can possibly think of right away. For the first few weeks, at least, you really don't need much. Everyone has their own personal list of new-baby must-haves, and here's mine:

 

1. Easy-access baby clothes—I wish I'd figured this out the first time, but it wasn't until I had my second baby that I discovered the joy of two-piece outfits and shirts with snap fronts—especially for those middle-of-the-night diaper changes. This way, when you're half-blind with exhaustion, you don't have to bend little arms, or pull shirts over their heads (totally scary when you're a new parent). It also means that if it's just a dirty diaper, you can pull the pants down only as far as you need to, keeping the rest of your baby's body warm and covered. Of course my favorite baby clothes are from the Little Seed. I love putting my kids in organics since clothes touch their skin all day and night, and some kids, like mine, are more sensitive than others.

2. Wipes, wipes, wipes—You can never have enough. Ever. In every room of the house, in the car, in your purse, in your diaper bag, everywhere.

3. Disposable diapers—God bless those parents who use cloth, but for us, disposables were key. The natural-looking chlorine-free diapers were in our house for a very long time.

4. Burp cloths—For all of the spitting up your baby will be doing, and wiping that you will be doing, burp cloths are great. Cloth diapers can be great to use as burp cloths.

5. Soft blankets—You can have several of these and use all of them. Great for swaddling.

6. Pacifiers—They work when you need them, and I had no problem weaning. Well, maybe a little bit.

7. Baby caps and socks—Hats for sunshine in LA and for warmth in colder climates.

8. A place for the baby to sleep—Some parents use a crib right away, some co-sleep, and some use a bassinette at the start. Whatever your preference, have an idea of what you want to do in your head before the baby is born. It will make it easier on you.

9. A place to put the baby down—Bouncy seats, swings, or a Pack 'n Play are great for this. It's important to have a safe place to put your baby when you need to take a shower or get something to eat.

10. Nipple cream—Okay, this one is really for you, but happy nipples make a happy baby.

11. A breast pump—Most moms can't live without them.

12. Diaper cream—Important for diaper rash, and a big must-have in our house.

13. A newborn kit—Including the booger sucker. There's nothing like your baby's first cold. The booger sucker has helped me many times.

14. Gripe water—A really great help on rough nights, if you have a colicky baby.

Question of the day: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

“I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, a nice ‘clean' job to make my parents proud . . .”

—Amelie

“A children's writer, a pastor, and Queen Elizabeth I.”

—Amy

“A pediatrician, I wanted to help kids. Then I found out how much school was needed. Never mind.”

—Joseph

“I remember wanting to be a nun til 6th grade; then Elvis's costar.”

—Kathryn

“A mom :-) After that I wanted to save the world.”

—Marly

 

I
can remember sitting around as a kid thinking about what kind of parent I would be someday. As I played with my newly adopted Cabbage Patch Kid, I just knew that one day I would have a baby exactly like my doll. I literally had an image in my head of a real-life Cabbage Patch baby. I had this view of myself as a free-spirited earth mother, flexible and loose, encouraging my kids to spread their wings and have amazing experiences.

I wasn't
completely
wrong in predicting future me. I was absolutely correct about at least one thing: I always thought the most important thing I could teach my children would be to
dream big.
And I still believe that with all my heart.

My own mother embodied that kind of optimism. I gave her plenty to worry about when I was little, but her hopes for me never dimmed. I didn't speak a word until I was three, and I know she had to deal with plenty of advice from people who thought there must be something seriously wrong with me. Then, on my third birthday, I spoke my first words: “Mom, how do you like my painting?” I can only imagine her relief at the time. But even years after that, I was still very shy outside of our family. Wherever we went I clung to my mother's legs, or hid behind my big brother Meeno.

It's interesting that a child as shy as I was would have been drawn to performing. But acting was a fantasy, an elaborate game of make-believe, and I loved everything about it. I tagged along with Meeno, who was a child actor himself, through back lots of studios, and soaked up everything from a safe viewing spot behind my mother's skirt. When I asked her if I could start acting, I suppose she could have gently steered me away—how was a child who was too shy to speak going to open up and perform in front of strangers? But my mom doesn't have a discouraging bone in her body, and I was a determined little kid. People always ask me what I'll do if either of my girls decides they want to act. The answer is that if my girls are anything like I was back then, I won't have any choice in the matter!

My mother, Sondra, and me when I was just a little baby

 

My mother, brother, and I were living in a little apartment in Los Feliz when I auditioned for the part of Punky Brewster. It was 1984. I was seven years old, and my brother Meeno was thirteen. I will never forget all of us sitting and reading the script together. I fell in love with Punky from the very first moment. She was such a vibrant, spunky character, full of life, heart, and fun. And I dreamed of playing her
.

The day of the audition, my mother and I entered the NBC studio and slowly rose in the elevator so I could meet my fate. The doors opened on the floor of the casting director's office and a little girl walked into the elevator with a smirk. “If you're here to audition for Punky,” she said, “don't bother. I just got the part.”

“Do you want to leave?” my mother asked me gently.

“No
way,
” I said. “I'm going in there.” The rest is history, and that moment of courage and dreaming big set the tone for my whole life.

My mother has always been an amazing parent. She was caring and constantly there for us, but she gave us the freedom to be who we were as individuals. Even if that meant making my Statue of Liberty Halloween costume out of tinfoil to be unique and within our budget, and letting me dress up and go to
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
at age eight. We ran through the grass in our bare feet, danced in the rain, and had chickens, bunny rabbits, and even a rescue horse named Butterscotch Freeway. We often slept outside. My childhood was magical. And it's all due to my free-spirited mom, a woman who traveled the world, had adventures, and gave birth to her oldest child in a windmill.

Here I am back in the Punky days

 

With that kind of example, I just knew the kind of mom I'd be—loving yet easygoing, attentive yet laid-back, loose and always flexible. And that's where my prediction of future me was just a little bit wrong. I've always taught my girls to dream big—always—and will continue to do so as they get older. But am I a laid-back hippie mom just like my own mother? Not as much as I had thought. Much to my shock, after going through a horrible case of reflux early on with Poet, I turned into a little bit of a crazy person—wipes were my constant friend. Shoes were removed at the door. Poet's pacifier was washed right away if it fell to the floor. I never dreamed I'd be so protective! But it just goes to show: You never know what kind of parent you'll be until you become one. Then the second kid comes along and you wipe the pacifier on your pants, and when they eat crayons you just figure they will poop it out. And that's why I try not to judge other parents. We all have an idea of how we will handle the screaming kid, the kid who won't eat, and the kid who won't talk. People certainly judged my mom all those years when I hid behind her. But Mom knew best—she always does.