Halfway to Forever (10 page)

He was rigid, tense with anger and fear and confusion. But at
the sound of his name on her lips, his hands and arms relaxed, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them, Jade saw something that gave her hope again.

Resolve.

She exhaled in relief. This was the Tanner she knew and loved, the one who would fight to the death for what he believed. And certainly now, in the darkest moment of their lives, he would trust God to lead them through. What choice did they have?

“I’m sorry, Jade. Forgive me, okay?”

She nodded and reached toward him, slipping her hand in his.

He brought her fingers to his cheek and searched her eyes, his voice hoarse. “I’m just scared. Scared to death.”

“Me, too.”

He looked at her for a long while. Then he closed his eyes again and broke the silence between them with the most intense, most heartfelt prayer Jade had ever heard him utter.

When he finished, he opened his eyes and said the thing they must both have been thinking since getting the results that morning. “Let’s call Ty.”

Jade held her breath while Tanner phoned Karl’s mother. He explained that Jade was in the hospital for tests. The woman was more than willing to bring Ty there, and an hour later, Tanner left to meet them in the hospital lobby.

The few minutes alone in her room gave Jade time to soak in the reality of what was happening to her, of the dark path that lay ahead. She thought of Ty, the years they’d shared when she was married to Jim Rudolph, back when the boy received little or no attention from anyone but her. For years she had tried so hard to forget about Tanner, but it had been impossible. Ty was a perfect miniature of him. Through the boy’s pale, blue eyes, Tanner had
shared breakfast with her each morning and hugged her each night.

Never back then had she thought it possible that Ty and Tanner would meet, or that somehow she and Tanner would find their way back together again. And now.

Will you take me home, God? Will you leave Tanner to raise our little boy? Is that the plan you have for me?

The questions formed a lump in her throat, and when the two men she loved most in life—one a shorter replica of the other—entered her room, it was nearly a minute before she could speak.

“Mom, what’s wrong? How come you’re here?” Ty wore a stained baseball shirt. His eyes were bright with panic. Jade held her arms out as he ran to her and hugged her for a long while. When he pulled back, he ran his finger over the IV line. “Dad says you’re sick.”

“Yes.” She found her voice and set her hand on his shoulder. “I have cancer, Ty. Brain cancer.”

They had decided to tell him the truth. After all, he would be affected by every stage of her treatment. Especially the difficult months when she’d be on the anti-seizure medication.

“Cancer?” Ty’s face went white, and he took several steps away from her until he was snug against Tanner’s side. “Does that mean … you’re gonna die?”

“No, honey.” Jade forced a smile, despite her breaking heart. “Cancer can be treated.” She closed her eyes for a moment.
Help me say the right words, God
. Ty had to feel her hope now, at this early stage. That way he’d be more likely to stay hopeful when things got worse. “I’ll be sick, though, so you and Dad need to stick together.”

After a half hour of questions, Ty seemed content to sit in the chair beside Jade and watch baseball on the hospital television. Tanner took the time to call the Bronzans.

“I’m at the hospital, Matt.” Jade watched her husband massage his temples and struggle to say the words. “We got some bad news today.”

There was a pause, and she saw her husband’s eyes well up. “Jade has … Jade has brain cancer. The doctors told us a few hours ago.”

Jade couldn’t hear their conversation, but she could tell from Tanner’s reaction that Matt must have been shocked. Tanner nodded a few times and then choked out a single request before hanging up. A request that frightened Jade because it was so out of character for her self-reliant, fun-loving husband.

“Please come,” he said, his voice cracking. “We need you guys.”

The Bronzans were there in half an hour. Jenny stayed at home with Grace, since small children weren’t allowed in the room.

Matt vowed to contact the firm’s mailing list and request prayer support for the weeks and months ahead. Hannah offered to do what she could to help with Ty. Still, despite their words of encouragement, Jade caught them both wiping tears throughout the evening.

For the first time Jade could remember, Matt and Tanner shared not a single one-liner or smile between them. She wanted to shake them both.

I’m not dead yet! Don’t give up on me …

But she kept her thoughts to herself. She was too new in her role as cancer victim to know how to act.

When visiting hours were over, the Bronzans offered to take Ty home with them. Jade would be released from the hospital in the morning, sent home with specific instructions and a month’s supply of anti-seizure medication. Hannah would take Ty to baseball practice and bring him home after that.

“Thanks,” Jade reached out and held Hannah’s hand. Tanner, Matt, and Ty were near the door, not listening to their conversation. “You’re the best friend I have, Hannah.”

“You, too.” Tears filled Hannah’s eyes and this time she didn’t try to hide them. “I learned something after Tom and Alicia were killed.”

Jade nodded, her own tears blurring her vision.

Hannah struggled to speak. “I learned that even in the darkest nights, morning eventually comes.” She smiled, her lips trembling. “It’s God’s promise. Fight this, Jade. Fight it with everything you have.”

“I will.” She blinked back the tears. “If I ever look like I’m giving up, tell me again, okay?”

Hannah nodded, and soon Ty and the Bronzans were gone for the night.

Tanner turned off the light in the room and pulled his chair near her bed again. He planned to sleep at her side as he’d done the night before. “Maybe …” His voice was a quiet whisper. “Maybe you won’t have any side effects.”

His statement confirmed what she already knew. The thing that weighed most heavily on both their minds here and now, at the starting line of their race against death, was the medication. What if she suffered from it the same way some of her young patients suffered? Would there be a time when she might look into Tanner’s loving eyes and not know him? Feel the precious touch of his hand on her skin and be startled, even frightened?

He tried again. “Maybe you’ll be the exception.”

She consciously raised the corners of her mouth. “Maybe.”

The nurse brought in a tray bearing a glass of ice, a pitcher of water, and a straw. There was also a small saucer with two orange capsules. Jade didn’t have to ask what they were. She’d given them to her patients too many times for that.

Tanner looked from Jade to the tray and back again as the nurse poured her a glass of water. There was a heaviness in Tanner’s eyes that broke Jade’s heart. “Is it …?”

She nodded. “Yes.” There was no sense in dragging out the moment. She placed the pills on her tongue and took a long swig of water.

And with that, Jade’s uncertain journey into darkness began.

N
early six weeks had passed since Grace came to live with them, and Hannah was so giddy about life she felt guilty.

What right did the four of them have to be happy when Jade and Tanner were living through the most difficult time in their lives? Of course it wasn’t a question that could be answered. Hard times came to everyone who lived long enough, and as Matt had been there for her during her darkest days, so the two of them would be there for Jade and Tanner.

Still, Hannah found herself consumed with warring emotions. Half the time she was elated by the leaps and bounds Grace made each day, but there were moments, hours, when she was drawn to the sad, quiet pondering of Jade’s future.

It was the morning of July 3, and Jenny was upstairs helping Grace get dressed. The three of them were going shopping for the big party the following day, the one she and Matt had thrown each Fourth of July since they were married two years ago.

Hannah worked in the kitchen, taking care of the morning dishes and savoring the sound of Grace’s laughter upstairs. Had it been nearly two months since that day when Mrs. Parsons brought her home to live with them? The victories they’d notched since then were unbelievable, making up the sweetest bouquet of memories.

The four of them had learned to trust each other. They had shared tenderness and tears, sunshine and silly laughter. Many nights when Grace was tucked in bed, Hannah and Matt marveled at how far she had come.

How very far.

A breeze filtered in through the kitchen window, and Hannah paused, staring at the endless blue beyond the sandy beach. There had been times during those first two weeks when Hannah wondered if Grace would survive the transition.

Times when she wondered if
any
of them would survive it.

The child would wake in the middle of the night, grabbing at her wrist, of all things. Then she’d scream in a way that would bring all of them, even Jenny, running to her bedroom.

Hannah shuddered as she remembered Grace’s first night. After Mrs. Parsons left, they showed the child her room and her pretty new clothes. Grace ran her fingers over the delicate pink things and looked at Hannah, her eyes wide. “Who will wear them when I’m gone?”

There was a pause while Hannah, Matt, and Jenny exchanged a look. Finally Hannah knelt down before the girl and stroked her hair. “Grace,” Hannah’s voice had been a mix of fear and compassion. “We want you to stay here. With us.”

Grace shook her head. “I never stay for very long. The police come and take me back to Mommy.”

Hannah hadn’t known what to say, so Matt set his hand on Grace’s shoulder and took over. “Honey, the police won’t take you away anymore.”

Grace wrinkled her nose and tiny tears filled her eyes. “Mommy said …” She was crying, but in a way that was different from any other child Hannah had seen. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her small shoulders shook, but she made no sound at all. She wiped her face and looked at Matt. “Mommy said if I got took away from her, then the police would put me in jail.”

Jenny covered her mouth, stifling a cry.

The horrible picture Grace had painted made Hannah’s head reel. She and Matt circled the child in a hug. “No, Grace, that’ll
never happen.” Matt’s tone was soothing. “We want you to stay with us forever.”

Hannah had expected Grace to stop crying. Instead her little body convulsed. With the three of them watching, Grace climbed onto her bed, curled in a ball, and said just one more thing before falling asleep. “I w-w-want my
mommy.”

She came to the table for dinner that evening, but ate nothing. Regardless of their attempts to get her to talk, Grace remained silent, wary through her bath and while she was being tucked into bed.

When they were downstairs and out of earshot, Jenny collapsed on the sofa. Her eyes were dry but frustration was written into every crease on her forehead. “She hates us.”

Hannah sat beside her daughter, and Matt pulled up a chair nearby. He spoke in a voice that was low and full of compassion. “She’s afraid.”

“That’s right.” Hannah slipped her arm around Jenny’s shoulder. “Mrs. Parsons said that would happen.”

“I know, but still …” Jenny let her head fall against the back cushion. “How long will it take before she trusts us?” She leveled her gaze at Matt. “Before she laughs and plays like a regular little girl?”

Matt reached out and patted Jenny’s knee. “With God on our side, my guess is not long.”

Grace’s first scream pierced the peaceful silence of the Bronzan home at two o’clock the next morning. Matt and Hannah grabbed their robes and raced down the hall just as she released her second scream.

Matt sat her tiny body up and shook her gently. “Grace, honey … it’s okay. Wake up.”

The child opened her eyes, but didn’t make eye contact with either of them. Instead she stared straight ahead and screamed again. Eyes wide, she grabbed at her right wrist, shaking that hand
and slapping it over and over and over.

Finally Matt caught her fingers midair and brought them down. “Grace, it’s okay. Wake up.”

In response she shook her head faster and faster and screamed again, this time looking from Matt to Hannah and back. “No! No … no … no …
no!
”

Hannah anchored the child on the other side, and together she and Matt wrapped their arms around her, whispering words of hope and peace until she stopped screaming.

“I want my mommy; I want to go home.” Then she hung her head so that the curls made a tent around her face. “Go away. Please go away.”

The floor of Hannah’s heart fell that night as she drew back and took in the picture Grace made. She was a little girl alone in the world, unable to let go of the nightmares of yesterday long enough to believe in the treasure of today.

And there was nothing she or Matt could do about it.

On her way out of Grace’s room, hot tears slid down Hannah’s cheeks.
Get us through this, God … please. What have we done?

It was a prayer she prayed often that first week, and by the ninth day—with Grace barely speaking to any of them and still asking hourly to go home—Hannah considered calling Mrs. Parsons and asking for help.

Jenny handled Grace’s reluctant beginning by being gone more than usual.

Hannah had cornered Jenny that week and tried to reason with her. “You’ll never connect with her if you’re not home.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Jenny shifted her weight to one hip. “Besides, she doesn’t care if I’m here or not.”

Hannah took hold of Jenny’s arm. “That’s not true. She told you she wanted a sister that first day. She may not talk to you, but she likes you.”

Jenny narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. “That’s not the kind of sister I was expecting.”

There was more that Jenny wanted to say; the intensity in her eyes told Hannah that much. Of course Grace wasn’t the type of sister Jenny had been expecting. The only sister she’d ever known was Alicia, and the two of them had been inseparable, laughing and playing together. Delighting in the same kinds of games and music and with that uncanny ability to finish each other’s sentences.