God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (9 page)

Is it a cat? Is it a woman? Maybe it's both! Why?

1. They do what they want.
   
2. They rarely listen to you.
   
3. They're totally unpredictable.
   
4. They whine when they are not happy.
   
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
   
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
   
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
   
8. They're moody.
   
9. They can drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.
   
10. They leave hair everywhere.
    

Conclusion: Cats are tiny little women in fur coats.

Is it a dog? Is it a man? Maybe it's both! Why?

1. They lie around all day, sprawled out on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
   
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they can't hear you even when you're in the same room.
   
3. They leave their toys everywhere.
   
4. They growl when they are not happy.
   
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
   
6. When you want to be left alone, they still want to play.
   
7. They are great at begging.
   
8. They will love you forever if you feed them and rub their tummies.
   
9. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
   
10. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    

Conclusion: Dogs are tiny little men in fur coats.

Yes, men and women really are different, and they are different in some significant ways. Let me highlight six of them.

1. Communication
—Listening is hard work for men, but it brings happiness to women. Men are often intimidated in conversation because we are not nearly as good at it as women are. On the other hand, women find conversation nourishing and meaningful to their heart and soul. Men tend to report facts; women are far more interested in sharing feelings. Men feel compelled to offer solutions; women want affirmation and assurance. Men unfortunately do not respond well to hints; women are subtle and coded in their conversation. The tone of her voice, a glance of her eye, a particular form of body language may speak far louder than the words that are coming from her mouth. Any man who does not pick up on these nonverbal signals will fail at communication and will be a source of frustration to the woman in his life.

2. Romance
—Romance for men is a three-letter word:
sex.
For women romance can mean lots of things. It is difficult for men to understand, but for women romance may or may not include sex. Indeed, women find some of the most interesting things romantic—praying with her, helping her wash the dishes, cleaning out the garage, or running a warm bubble bath and lighting a candle. All of these things are strange to a male, but they speak deeply to the heart of a woman.

The simple fact is men and women are wired differently when it comes to the area of romance. For men, romance is highly visual; it is what they see. For women, romance is extremely relational and personal; it is what they feel. Men indeed are creatures of sight; they are moved by what they see. Women on the other hand are creatures of the ear and of the heart; they are moved by what they hear and by what they feel.

This point is so crucial it might be worth our digressing for just a moment. What do men say romance is to them? The following list of fifteen suggestions from Gary Chapman's wonderful book
Toward a Growing Marriage
is not exhaustive, but it is helpful as a woman tries to understand where a man is coming from in this area of romance.

1. Be attractive at bedtime—nothing in the hair or strange on the face. Wear something besides granny gowns and pajamas.
   
2. Do not be ashamed to show you enjoy being with me.
   
3. Dress more appealingly when I am at home (no housecoats, slippers, etc.).
   
4. Do things to catch my attention: remember that a man is easily excited by
   sight.
   
5. Communicate more openly about sex.
   
6. Do not make me feel guilty at night for my inconsistencies during the day (such as being affectionate enough).
   
7. Be more aware of my needs and desires as a man.
   
8. Show more desire and understand that caressing and foreplay are as important to me as they are to you.
   
9. Do not allow yourself to remain upset over everyday events that go wrong.
   
10. Do not try to fake enjoyment. Be authentic in your response to me.
    
11. Do not try to punish me by denying me sex or by giving it grudgingly.
    
12. Treat me like your lover.
    
13. Listen to my suggestions on what you can do to improve our sexual relationship.
    
14. Forgive me when I fall short of what I should be.
    
15. Tell me what I can do to be the sexual partner you desire.
    ⁴
    

On the other hand, what suggestions have wives made to their husbands as to how they can make romance and sexual relations more meaningful? Again, this list is to help us get the idea.

1. Show more affection; give attention throughout the day; come in after work and kiss me on my neck and ask me about my day (and stay around and listen!).
   
2. Be more sympathetic when I am really sick.
   
3. Accept me as I am; accept me even when you see the worst side of me.
   
4. Tell me that you love me at times other than when we are in bed; phone sometimes just to say, “I love you!” Do not be ashamed to tell me, “I love you” in front of others.
   
5. While I am bathing or showering, find soft music on the radio or dim the lights and light a candle.
   
6. Honor Christ as the head of our home.
   
7. Talk to me after our lovemaking; make caresses after our lovemaking and hold me.
   
8. Be sweet and loving (at least one hour) before initiating sex.
   
9. Show an interest in what I have to say in the morning.
   
10. Help me wash dinner dishes and clean the kitchen.
    
11. Pay romantic attention to me (hold hands, kiss) even during relatively unromantic activities (television watching, car riding, walking in the mall, etc.)
    
12. Help me feel that I am sexually and romantically attractive by complimenting me more often.
    
13. Pray with me about the problems and victories you are having; let me express my own needs to you.
    
14. Do not approach lovemaking as a ritualistic activity; make each time a new experience.
    
15. Think of something nice to say about me and do it in front of others often.
    ⁵
    

3. Needs
—Women need to feel valued; men need to feel successful. Indeed, if you talk to a man about feeling valued, he probably will not understand what you are getting at. But if you talk to him about his need to feel successful, he will immediately understand what you mean. Women need to be heard. Communication is invaluable in speaking to the heart of a woman. Men, on the other hand, like their canine companions, need to be praised. When a woman praises her man, she speaks to one of the most basic needs of his heart, his need for admiration. His soul soars at the special place he occupies in the evaluation of his spouse.

4. Self-worth
—Women value relational moments and fear neglect. Men value occupational achievements and fear failure. Women are relational creatures. Barbara O'Chester wisely asserts, “Women love to make a memory.” Men would not really understand what that is all about. However, men often gauge their own self-worth by what they do for a living. Furthermore, failure at one's occupational assignment can be absolutely devastating to a man's self-worth. If and when a man loses his job, it is an especially crucial time for a woman to step in and affirm him and let him know that she still values him above all other men. We have seen this truth reiterated again and again in the Song of Songs as Shulammite praises Solomon in every imaginable way. A good wife will not forget how important this is to the fragile male ego. Men, on the other hand, must understand that the relationships of life are absolutely crucial to a woman. If a man neglects his wife, he wounds her spirit and bruises her heart in a way that can hardly be healed.

5. Time
—Men do not think much about time. Women, however, value both quantity and quality of time. Baby boomers have subjected themselves willingly to a great lie. We told ourselves that though we did not give our children quantity time because of the busyness of our schedules, we more than made up for it with quality time. However, we now know that for a child, and for that matter a spouse, quality time is quantity time. Both a spouse and children want you when they want you; and if you're not there, they don't get you. Men in this context tend to go with the flow. We have to be honest; most of us are not very creative. This is a tragedy. Women are thrilled beyond words when their man shows his appreciation for them with specific and creative ideas.

How many times has a man blown it on a date night with his wife? He realizes that it has been some time since he took his wife out for a date, and so he approaches her and says, “Honey, how about a date this Friday night?” She, of course, passes out, and he is forced to call 911 to have emergency service to revive her! However, once she has regained consciousness, she quickly responds with an enthusiastic yes!

She then asks the question that has been building within her soul since she heard her husband's offer, “What are we going to do?” Then tragically and shamefully there comes out of the mouth of a male perhaps some of the dumbest words that have ever been uttered by human lips, “Oh, it doesn't matter to me.”

When a man utters those words, he basically crushes the heart of his wife, and he destroys any possibility for good that could have come out of a romantic rendezvous the coming weekend. A wise man will not only invite his wife out for a date; he will also be creative and specific in planning out the entire event (including taking care of the baby-sitter!). The bottom line is this: tell me where you spend your time, and I will tell you what you love.

Reba McEntire, a country singer, recorded a song several years ago written by Richard Leigh and Layng Martine, Jr. It could tragically be the theme song of many a little boy or little girl as they reflect on this issue of time as it relates to their daddy.

The Greatest Man

The greatest man I never knew

Lived just down the hall

And everyday we said hello

But never touched at all.

He was in his paper.

I was in my room

How was I to know he thought I hung the moon?

The greatest man I never knew

Came home late every night

He never had too much to say

Too much was on his mind.

I never really knew him,

And now it seems so sad.

Everything he gave to us took all he had.

Then the days turned into years,

And the memories to black and white.

He grew cold like an old winter wind

Blowing across my life.

The greatest words I never heard

I guess I'll never hear.

The man I thought could never die

Been dead almost a year.

He was good at business,

But there was business left to do.

He never said he loved me, guess he thought I knew.
⁶

6. Parenting
—God designed mothers to nurture and provide the emotional support that is necessary for the healthy development of a child. Fathers provide strength and a child's sense of self-worth and security. Amazingly, even the simple presence of the man in the home can make a tremendous impact on the life of a child. That's why the death of a father is hurtful. But the loss of a father by divorce is utterly tragic. One of my favorite theologians is Erma Bombeck! In her book
Family—the Ties That Bind … and Gag!
she illustrates beautifully the importance that the presence of a father can make in the life of a child.

One morning my father didn't get up and go to work. He went to the hospital and died the next day. I hadn't thought that much about him before. He was just someone who left and came home and seemed glad to see everyone at night. He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures … but he was never in them. Whenever I played house, the Mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the Daddy doll, so I had him say, “I'm going off to work now” and threw him under the bed. The funeral was in our living room and a lot of people came and brought all kinds of good food and cakes. We had never had so much company before. I went to my room and felt under the bed for the Daddy doll. When I found him, I dusted him off and put him on my bed. He never did anything. I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much.
⁷

Yes, daddies are important to the well-being of their children, but so are their mothers. We live in a day when motherhood is not held in the high esteem that it once was. Unfortunately, many women have mistakenly sacrificed the gift of motherhood and the joy of childbearing for career and other enticements that in the long run will never deliver the joy and blessings that rearing children provides.

Several years ago someone sent me an article one woman speaking to another. I doubt I have ever read anything that seemed to capture in such a powerful fashion the greatness and importance of motherhood. I think every woman who reads these words will probably need a tissue at the end of the story.