Further Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman (4 page)

“If you go fast I’ll give you an extra biscuit.” It was shameless bribery, but the mutt was taking her sweet time sniffing every inch of the curb.

Properly incentivized, the dog did her business in record time. Her response gave me a new perspective on the idiotic “motivational” contests Harry ran at Insuring the Future. Basically he was appealing to our base animal instincts. Yet another reason to dislike the man.

I was pondering that very thought as I rushed into The Big Day dress shop. I’ve been there too many times to count. My Aunt Loretta got married every couple of years, plus I’d been the maid of honor at my sister Theresa’s wedding. I know the place well and I despise everything about it. The combination of the endless sea of white, the crinkle of crinoline, and the rose-scented potpourri made me want to hurl. But nothing compared to my unbridled hatred of the staff, who manage to come across as equal parts pandering ass-kissers and know-it-all snobs performing holy work.

Alice was already there, pawing through the racks like a miner searching for a nugget of gold.

“Find anything yet?” I asked.

“You’re late.”

Overly sensitive about time ever since Aunt Leslie had pointed out my habitual tardiness, I glanced over at the clock hanging over the wall of veils. “Am not. I’m three minutes early.”

Ignoring me, Alice pulled a sequined and feathered gown from the rack and held it up against her. “What do you think?”

“It’s very Lady Gaga meets Liberace.”

“Gee, thanks.” Pouting, she shoved the dress back in its place.

“You asked.”

“I’m sorry I did.”

“I see you in something more refined,” one of the male ass-kissing snobs offered from behind me.

I cringed. He’d probably spotted Alice’s desperation and smelled an easy sale.

Alice smiled widely. “Zeke?”

I threw up in my mouth and had to swallow my burning bile. Not Zeke. It couldn’t be Zeke.

“Alli? Oh my God, is it really you?”

As my best friend and my childhood nemesis threw themselves at each other in an embrace worthy of a cheesy 1970s love story, I decided Armani was right. I was in for RUF RIDE.

While they made googly eyes at one another, I decided that he’d changed since the last time I’d seen him, and for the better. He’d always been a good-looking kid, but now he was a handsome man, what with his bright blue eyes, cleft chin, and a head full of wavy, chestnut hair that almost reached his shoulders.

Once they’d finished hugging and exclaiming how wonderful it was to see each other, Zeke turned his attention to me. He held out his arms, flashed that megawatt smile of his, and exclaimed, “It’s my lucky day to run into both of you.”

I held out my hand, not so much because I wanted to shake his, but because I didn’t want him to hug me. “Hi, Zeke.”

Ignoring the proffered handshake, he engulfed me in a bear hug. “It’s good to see you, Maggie.”

I didn’t share the sentiment, so I kept my mouth shut.

S
OMETIMES
I
FEEL
cursed. I’ve felt this way for most of my life. Can you blame me? My mom has spent half of my life locked up in a mental ward, my dad is rotting in prison, my sister Darlene was murdered when we were kids, my sister Marlene . . . well, I don’t want to talk about her, and my big sister Theresa was killed a couple of months ago in the car accident that left me with the unenviable ability to be berated by a lizard and questioned by a Doberman. Not to mention that my niece is in a coma, my aunts drive me bat-shit, and I’ve inadvertently managed to become a hired killer.

Can you blame me for thinking that I’m the object of the Fates’ ultimate practical joke?

But I wasn’t thinking about any of that when I strolled into Insuring the Future. No, I was trying to decide which I hate more: weddings or Zeke Roble. They were pretty similar in my book, all show and pretense, and saccharine sweetness that put my teeth on edge.

Alice and I had been best friends since forever. Through the years, only one person had ever come between us, not any of our respective loser boyfriends, or insane family members, just Zeke. The boy, now man, had always had the uncanny ability to make me look bad, just like he had at the wedding dress shop. That’s why I hated him. I had to keep him from worming his way back into Alice’s life. I didn’t mind sharing her with Lamont, but there was no way I was surrendering my best friend to my nemesis without a fight.

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn’t see the empty box until I got to my desk. I eyed the paper carton suspiciously.

“It’s for you.” Harry appeared at my side. He must have come from downwind because I hadn’t smelled his pepperoni approach. “I’m sorry, Maggie, but we’re going to have to let you go.”

I wondered for a moment if my boss, soon-to-be-ex-boss, and Zeke were related. At that moment I hated them equally. “You’re firing me?”

Harry shrugged. “Sorry, but I did warn you.”

“You’re firing me because I won’t go out on a date with you?”

Harry shook his head. “I know you’re upset, Maggie, but we’ve talked about this. I’ve pointed out your shortcomings in all of your reviews. You’ve signed off on all the reports.”

I looked from Harry to the box on my desk and back to Harry. He smiled smugly.

Holy hell, he’d documented my “shortcomings” over all this time, while I had never said word one to human resources about his lecherous ways. Now I needed to keep this job as my cover. The little shit had outfoxed me and he knew it.

I glanced at my desk wondering what I could use to kill him. I’m a pretty resourceful murderer. After all I used a leg of lamb to off the last guy I slaughtered.

I could smash Harry over the head with the Insuring the Future mug I’d received for my perfect attendance last year. Once he was crumpled at my feet, I could break the mug and use a shard to slice open his jugular.

“I’ve arranged for you to receive a month’s severance,” Harry said. “Assuming you leave quietly.”

It seemed as though Mr. Pepperoni Breath had thought of everything. He had to know how badly I need my paycheck with Katie in the hospital. Outmaneuvered again, I snatched up my framed picture of Katie and me at the pumpkin patch last year and my bag of Life Savers. There was nothing else in the desk or in that place that mattered to me.

Harry looked at me expectantly. I wondered if my begging to keep my job was part of his evil plan. I wouldn’t give that particular satisfaction.

He leaned over and said, “You’re not really fired.”

“What?”

“I just wanted you to know what it could feel like if it did happen,” he said with a smug grin. “I don’t want to fire you, Maggie. I like you.”

I stared at him. “So this was . . .”

“A dress rehearsal for what could happen if your attitude doesn’t improve. But don’t worry, your job is safe . . . for now.”

My fingers twitched, wanting to grab the mug and clobber him with it. Instead I turned on my heel and stalked away, trying to regain a semblance of control over my temper.

I almost bowled over Armani on my way.

“I have to talk to you, Chiquita,” she said, once she’d regained her balance. Grabbing my arm, she dragged me outside toward the picnic tables. “I’ve got to tell you something important about your Scrabble tiles.”

I wanted to tell her that I didn’t have time for her psychic act today, but since I’d just been fired, but not really fired, I decided I was entitled to a long break. “What?”

“I may have been wrong about you being in for a RUF RIDE.”

“I doubt that,” I said, thinking about the arrival of Zeke and the evil plan of Harry.

“But look!” Using her good hand she pulled seven Scrabble tiles from her pocket and tossed them onto the table like she was playing craps. Which was appropriate considering my life was crap. “It doesn’t just spell out RUF RIDE, they also say, U R FIRED. See?”

“You’re right.”

“So you see it too?”

“No, I mean, you’re right. Harry just threatened to fire me. This time he used props.”

Armani collapsed onto a picnic bench. “Oh my God. Do you know what this means?”

“It means that in the near future I’m going to have to find a new job or apply for unemployment.”

“No.”

“No?”

“It means that I was right. My predictions are right. I’ve been doubting my gift, but now . . . but now . . . I’ve got to call my mother and tell her.”

I stared at my work friend, marveling at how she could turn my bad news into her own good news. “Congratulations.”

Missing my sarcastic nuances, Armani bobbed her head. “Thanks. Thanks. I can’t believe it.”

I turned away and strode toward my car. I should got to HR right now and tell them what that scumbag had just done to me, but I couldn’t take the chance now.

“Maggie?”

I didn’t break stride. Harry couldn’t say shit about my leaving. Not if I kept quiet.

“Maggie, watch out for the disco ball I told you about!”

Ignoring her, I started cramming minty fresh Life Savers into my mouth. They didn’t make me feel any better. In fact I felt worse as I realized that Patrick was going to kill me for almost getting fired.

I
CONSIDERED CALLING
Patrick and asking him to kill my boss, but I wasn’t in the mood for a Life Lesson lecture.

Instead I drove over to the hospital, thinking I could get a visit in with Katie without risking running into Delveccio and getting pressured for an answer about the job. I’d been sitting with Katie for over an hour, reading books to her and singing songs, when I heard the familiar clickety-clack of an aging sex kitten’s stilettos tattooing their way down the hall. Looking up, I wasn’t surprised to see Aunt Loretta arrive in the doorway. I peered around her to see if she had her fiancé, Templeton, in tow. The rat was nowhere in sight.

“Oh my!” Loretta exclaimed breathlessly. “Is everything all right? Has there been a change in Katie’s condition? Has she gotten worse?”

I sighed. Aunt Loretta could be such a drama queen. “She’s fine. No change.”

“Then what are you doing here? It’s not even noon yet.”

Realizing that it was my presence that had alarmed her, I felt guilty for labeling her a drama queen. “I’m sorry I startled you. I . . .” If I told her that I’d almost lost my job, it would just give her, Leslie, and Susan something else to worry about. They already had too much to lose sleep over. It had always been pretty easy to get away with lying to Aunt Loretta, since she was the most gullible. “I took the day off.”

“Good for you! You’ve been looking tired lately. A day off is probably just what you need.”

I stood up and motioned for her to sit in the visitor’s chair.

She bent over the bed and blew air kisses at Katie before sitting down. Taking the child’s limp hand in her own, she confided in a whisper, “Your Aunt Maggie has met the most delightful fellow. His name is Paul. I think he might be the one.”

“I don’t think so, Aunt Loretta.”

“And why not?” She turned her heavily mascaraed eyes on me. “He’s very interested in you. Asks a ton of questions about you. That’s a good sign, you know. A man being interested in his woman’s secrets.”

“I’m not his woman.”

“He’s a good catch.”

“How would you know?”

“He’s got a good, stable job in law enforcement.”

Unlike your ex, Jose Garcia
, I thought.

“And he’s not hard on the eyes.”

I had to agree with her on that. Paul Kowalski is a fine looking man. “He has his faults.”

“Such as?”

“He has a temper.”

Loretta shrugged. “All that means is that he’s passionate. You wouldn’t want a man who didn’t feel anything, would you?”

It was my turn to shrug. It wasn’t as though I could tell her that both Patrick and God didn’t trust him.

“You should go out with him. You could use some love in your life.”

It took all my self-control not to roll my eyes. Taking love life advice from a woman who’d been married as many times as my aunt sort of felt like listening to a hooker preach abstinence. Wanting to get her attention off Paul, I changed the subject to another topic I knew she loved to talk about. “Last night I went to The Big Day with Alice.”

“And did she find something?”

“Mmmm.”

“Is that a yes or a no, Maggie?”

“Yes.” The absolute joy in my best friend’s eyes when she looked at herself in the mirror had been touching. Technically it had been Zeke who had found the perfect dress for Alice. He’d reached into the racks and pulled out the wedding gown of Alice’s dreams. She’d practically babbled her gratitude at him, which had been . . . unsettling. After all, I was her best friend, but there she was gushing over the moment with him. “Zeke’s back in town.”

“I always liked that boy.”

That was the problem. Everyone liked Zeke. Everyone except me.

“I
HAVE NEVER
understood how Zeke’s able to fool so many people. He’s tricky and conniving and . . . evil, just downright evil.” I poured out my troubles to Doomsday as we walked. Well, as I tried to walk and she kept stopping every three-point-five inches to sniff something.

“Fetch he does?”

“What?” Unlike God, I was still having some difficulty understanding the Doberman’s grammar . . . or lack thereof.

“Fetch he?”

“I don’t know if he plays fetch.” I thought about her question for a moment. “I doubt it. If memory serves, it says Most Likely to Iron His Underwear under his picture in our high school yearbook. I’m thinking that means he probably wouldn’t pick up anything that’s covered with dog spit.”

“Squirrel!”

That was the only warning I received. Suddenly Doomsday was doing her damndest to dislocate my shoulder. She bounded away. If I hadn’t had her leash wrapped around my wrist she would have been gone. Instead, she dragged me with her. Fighting to stay upright, I screamed, “Stop! For the love of—”

Twisting my ankle, I lost my balance and took a knee-skinning header for the second time that week. Except this time, my journey didn’t end when I hit the ground. I kept moving. “Doomsday!”

My battered body bounced along the ground.

I’m not sure if it was my desperate shriek or the fact that she was now dragging my dead weight across the ground, but she seemed to realize that we were attached. “Game!”