Flawbulous (11 page)

“I don't need you to be my pastor right now! I want you
to be my husband.”

 

–
Sullivan Webb

 

Lawson, Reginell, Angel, and Kina watched with concern as Sullivan moped around her formal dining room in her nightgown, her hair disheveled, clutching a glass of wine, the day following Christian's graveside memorial and her release from the hospital.

“Sullivan, you have to eat something,” insisted Angel. “This isn't healthy.”

Sullivan didn't heed the warning. She opened the wine cabinet and snatched down a bottle of Riesling. “How many times do I have to tell you people that I'm not hungry?”

“I see you've been quite thirsty,” Lawson noted. “That bottle is almost empty.”

Sullivan fumed. “What do you want me to say, Lawson, huh? I just buried my child. It should be understandable that I'd be a little sad and want to numb the pain.”

Angel draped her arm around Sullivan. “We know you're having a rough time, but you don't want to go down this road again, Sully. Your drinking didn't solve anything before. It just made everything worse. Look at what abusing painkillers cost me. It's not worth it.”

Sullivan clenched her teeth and released a deep sigh.

“I'm not you, and this isn't like before. I'm in control now.”

Lawson looked down into the empty glass. “Are you really?”

Sullivan cut her eyes toward Lawson and refilled her glass.

“Sullivan, maybe this was for the best, you know?” suggested Angel. “Chances are that Christian would've had a lot of lifelong complications and developmental delays.”

Sullivan slammed the glass down on the dining room table. “Do you think I would've hesitated to spend every day of my life taking care of him? It would've been my honor to do that. He's my child, my miracle baby.”

Angel attempted to calm her. “I know you wouldn't have, but perhaps God didn't—”

Sullivan cut her off. “Angel, don't tell me about God right now. I swear, I don't want to hear one more thing about God and how this is His will or how we shouldn't question Him. I can't hear that right now.”

Lawson interceded. “The Bible says, ‘Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.' God is here to comfort you, Sully, if you let Him.”

“Yeah?” Sullivan lifted up her wine bottle. “Well, so is this!”

“Sullivan, I know it's difficult, but drinking isn't the solution. Your son is gone, but you still have a daughter and a husband who need you,” Kina said, lecturing her.

“How is Charles holding up?” asked Reginell.

Sullivan shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

Lawson was dismayed. “You guess? What do you mean? Haven't you asked him how he's coping with losing his son?”

“You know Charles, Lawson.” Sullivan rolled her eyes. “He lets the Lord handle everything.”

“Yeah, but I'm sure he needs his wife too. Sullivan, you're not the only one who lost a child here. Your husband needs the same love and support that you do,” cautioned Lawson.

Sullivan disagreed. “Charles doesn't need me.”

“How can you say that? He adores you!” insisted Reginell.

“Really? So it was
adoration
that told him to ignore my wishes and kill my baby?”

“Sully, you know that's not fair! You can't blame Charles for what happened,” said Angel.

“Why not?” Sullivan fired back. “Charles was the one who insisted I drive across town to meet him, despite the fact that I told him I wasn't feeling up to it.”

“He was trying to surprise you!” exclaimed Kina.

“Charles also knows I hate surprises. He made the decision to have the doctors take the baby, even though he knew keeping him in the womb even a few days longer could mean the difference between life and death.”

“Yes, it could, for Christian and for
you!
You can't seriously fault the man for loving you so much that he refused to risk your life, even to the point of risking his own son's life to save yours. You should be thanking him for loving you that much,” maintained Lawson.

“I don't need you telling me how to treat my husband, and I don't need any of you to tell me how I should grieve the loss of my child. I lost that baby, not you! I carried that child. I painted his nursery. I picked out baby names. I felt him kick. I sang to him. I had dreams for him and for our family, and I was the one who lost him. All those dreams and that nursery and that life I was planning were shot to hell in an instant by my own husband making a split-second decision, so don't you dare stand there and tell me how I should feel, how I should grieve, or what I should do!” Sullivan emptied the bottle of wine into her glass and tossed it back.

Angel shook her head. “It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain.”

Sullivan released a deep sigh. “Angel, you can't begin to imagine what kind of pain I'm in and what this feels like.” She looked up, fighting back tears. “You'd think I'd be used to losing people by now. My father walked out on me, not once, but twice. Seven months after I found my grandmother, I lost her to a heart attack. For all practical purposes, I lost my mother when my baby sister died. My God, when is enough
enough?
”

Angel, Lawson, and Kina rallied around Sullivan in a group hug.

“Sully, you're going to get through this,” Angel promised her. “And you don't have to do it alone.”

Lawson began praying. “Lord, we come standing in intercession for our sister Sullivan. Lord, only you know the depths of her pain and how heavily it weighs on her heart, but we know that you strengthen us and uphold us with your righteous hand, because your Word says so. We know that we can cast our cares unto you, because you care so deeply for us.

“Lord, be a comforter to Sullivan, Charles, and Charity right now, during their hour of need. Let them be revived by your Word. Help them to remember that Christian's body is gone, but his spirit will live forever and they will see him again. Remind them that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us when we get to heaven.

“We thank you for being our refuge in a time of sorrow. We thank you for Christian and for the joy he brought to the people who loved him. We thank you for your wisdom in all things, including the things that we don't understand. We honor and praise you forever. Amen.”

The circle broke up. Angel hovered over Sullivan. “Do you feel better now?”

“I appreciate everything you all are trying to do for me, really.” Sullivan paused. “But nothing is going to fill this void in my heart, nothing except having my son back, and that's never going to happen.”

“No, but you will be happy again,” reasserted Angel. “Who's to say God won't bless you and Charles with another baby?”

Sullivan shook her head. “I don't think that's in the cards for us. Christian was more of a miracle baby than Charity was. At least she was conceived naturally. We had to resort to in vitro for Christian. I don't think either one of us wants to go through that again.”

Reginell scooped up her purse. “Maybe we should get out of here and leave Sullivan to deal with this in her own way. Besides, I'm not feeling so good.”

“Are you in pain again?” asked Kina. “The medication still isn't helping?”

Reginell shook her head. “Not really.”

“Reggie, you really need to go get that checked out,” Angel advised her.

“I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Mark insisted on it.”

“Good!” replied Lawson. “I'm glad somebody has been able to get through that thick skull of yours.”

“Are you going to be okay here by yourself?” Kina asked Sullivan.

“I told you I'm fine. Time alone to think and to process everything is exactly what I need right now.”

Lawson slid into her jacket. “I think being alone is the
last
thing you need, but I know when I'm not wanted, so . . .”

Angel hugged and kissed Sullivan on the cheek. “You call me if you need anything, all right? I don't care what time. If you need to talk or cry or you want someone to come sit with you, you call me, you hear?”

Sullivan smiled weakly and nodded.

Kina squeezed Sullivan's hand. “The same goes for me, Sully. Let me know if I can do anything.”

“Actually, you can, Kina. Do you have Desdemona's number? She gave it to me at the hospital, and I must've put it down somewhere. I'd like to give her a call.”

“Sure.” Kina reached into her purse for a pen and paper and scribbled Desdemona's contact information for Sullivan.

“Thanks.” Sullivan tucked the number down into her pocket. “Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I think I'm going to lie down for a few minutes and try to get some rest.”

“You take care of yourself, Sullivan,” said Lawson. “Take care of Charles and Charity too.”

“Did I hear my name?” asked Charles, entering the room with Charity in his arms.

Angel hugged him. “How are you holding up?”

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God,” said Charles, reciting scripture.

“Amen to that,” said Kina.

Sullivan rolled her eyes and lifted Charity out of her father's arms. “I'll take her. I want to spend a little time with my favorite girl before she goes down for her nap.”

“And that's our cue,” noted Lawson. “We're going to get out of here. Please know that we're praying for all of you, and you can call day or night if you need anything.”

The ladies filed out, leaving Sullivan alone with Charles.

“That was nice of them to stop by,” said Charles. “I'm sure having them here put a smile back on that beautiful face.”

“Why would it?” Sullivan snapped. “Do you think having a few girlfriends over would erase the fact that I just buried my child?”

“No. I was hoping that it would take your mind off of it for a little while.”

“Well, it didn't, okay? Nothing will.”

Charles spied Sullivan's empty wine bottle. “Except that, maybe?”

Sullivan held her daughter close to her chest. “It's how I cope with things, all right? You deal with things your way, and I'll deal with them my way.”

“
Our
way should be the Lord's way, Sulllivan. No good can come of you drinking again.”

“Can some good come of me losing my son?”

“Yes, if you let it, if you open your heart to see what the Lord wants us to learn from this or how our loss could help somebody else going through this same struggle.”

“Can you stop for five minutes?” shrieked Sullivan.

Charles was confused. “Stop what?”

“Being on the pulpit and talking to me like you're Pastor Webb! Charles, I don't need you to be my pastor right now! I want you to be my husband. I want you to understand what I, your wife, am going through.”

“That's what I'm trying to do, sweetheart.”

“No, Charles, you want me to pretend for you! You want me to act like all I have to do is throw up a few prayers, shed a few tears at a graveside funeral, have a few laughs with the girls, and everything will be all right. Well, Pastor, everything is not all right!” Sullivan thought before going on. “And I can't tell you when it will be or if it ever will.”

“Take it from me—what a man says he's going
to do and what a man actually does can be two
vastly different things.”

 

–
Lawson Kerry Banks

 

Lawson impatiently stared out her kitchen window the week after Christian's memorial. She'd summoned Namon's pregnant girlfriend to her house following Shari's first prenatal doctor's appointment. Lawson's heart palpitated when she saw Shari's rickety Corolla sputter onto the driveway. Lawson had determined that this would be the day she'd put an end to the madness surrounding Shari's pregnancy. Since Namon was still on campus, taking midterms, she knew that this might be her only opportunity to isolate Shari long enough to drive the plan into action.

Lawson swung open her front door when Shari emerged from the Corolla. “Shari, thank you so much for coming.” She invited Shari inside. “Did you tell Namon you were coming by?”

“No, you told me not to.”

“I appreciate you honoring that. I just thought we needed some time to talk and get to know each other better without the men around.”

Shari appeared apprehensive. “I guess so.”

“Please sit down.” Lawson offered her a seat next to her on the sofa in the living room. “How did the doctor's visit go?”

“It was all right.”

“Did your mom go with you?”

Shari nodded.

“What did the doctor say?”

“She told me I was almost three months along. I'm due in June. Everything seemed okay with the baby. I had to get a lot of blood tests, though, which kinda sucked, because I hate needles.”

“Honey, that's nothing! You're gonna be poked and prodded so much between now and June that you're gonna think you've turned into a pincushion! But even that's a cakewalk compared to labor. I was in labor with Namon for eighteen long, excruciating hours.”

Shari was a little shaken. “It wasn't that bad, was it?”

“It was bad enough for me to stop at one child!” Lawson poured Shari a cup of tea. “I made us some chamomile tea. It's supposed to be soothing and help relieve the nausea from morning sickness.”

“Sounds like exactly what I need!”

“Have you been battling morning sickness?”

“I've been throwing up a lot, but Dr. Brennen said that's normal.”

Lawson nodded. “The first trimester can be rough. Actually, all three can be rough, between the backaches and fatigue and false labor pains. Morning sickness is the absolute worst! I don't even know why people call it morning sickness, because it can occur all day long.”

Shari's countenance changed. “For real?”

“Yes, my pregnancy was almost as hard as the labor! Don't believe that crap about not remembering the pain after the baby gets here. I remember every twinge and contraction. Even at sixteen, I never wanted to go through that again!” Lawson saw fear register in Shari's eyes. “I'm not trying to scare you. Every pregnancy and labor is different.”

“I'm worried if I keep getting sick, I'm not gonna gain enough weight for a healthy baby.”

“I wouldn't worry too much about that. If you keep eating and taking your vitamins, I'm sure you'll fatten up in no time.” Lawson paused, looking Shari over. “Then again, you're such a petite thing. Carrying all that extra weight might be rough on your little body. Getting off that weight after the baby is born might be a challenge too. But you're a pretty girl, so people probably won't even notice if you're a little overweight for a while after the baby is born.”

Shari gulped and blinked. “You mean the weight doesn't come off as soon as you have the baby?”

“Honey, please! I'm still trying to lose my baby weight from having Namon! But enough about that. How are
you
doing, Shari? I imagine it's hard to focus on school with everything you have going on.”

“Sometimes,” admitted Shari. “I try not to let it get to me, though.”

“I'm sure you do, but it can't be easy seeing everyone around you living carefree lives and having fun being regular college students. It's only going to get more complicated once the baby gets here. It's hard to study or hang out or find any free time when there's a newborn in the house.”

“I know, but Namon has promised that he'll be here to help.”

“Men promise lots of things, sweetie. I love my son, and I think the world of him, but Namon is eighteen years old. His mind is going in a million directions right now. I know he says he'll be there for you and the baby, but I can't promise you that he's going to live up to his end one hundred percent.”

“Namon said that he loves me and our baby and that he'll always have our backs, no matter what.”

Lawson nodded. “I'm sure he meant every word of it . . . while he was saying it. Take it from me—what a man says he's going to do and what a man actually does can be two vastly different things.”

“Namon has never lied to me—”

“That you know of,” Lawson interjected before taking a sip of tea.

“If he says he's going to be there for me and our baby, I believe that he'll keep his word.”

“And if he doesn't, then what? Are you prepared to be in this alone? What if the two of you break up and he starts dating someone else? Are you ready to deal with his new girlfriend? As someone who has to deal with that very issue with my stepson, Simon, I can tell you from experience that it's not easy.”

“Mrs. Banks, Namon and I love each other. We want to be together for the rest of our lives. We're not thinking about dating other people.”

“Of course you aren't right now, but what about a year or five years or ten years from now? I know at your age, being a couple for six or seven months seems like a long time, but it's really not. It's also hard to know what real love is at eighteen.”

“It's real,” asserted Shari. “I know it. I can feel it.”

“I understand. I've been there. I thought it was love at first sight when I met Mark, but I was wrong. The man for me was Garrett, not Mark.” Lawson reached for Shari's hand. “The fact of the matter is that you and Namon both will meet other people. One day, one of those people will turn out to be the mate whom God has created for you.”

“How do you know Namon isn't my soul mate?”

“How do you know that he is?”

The question silenced Shari for a moment. “If I had to raise this baby by myself, I think I could do it. My mom raised us.”

“Think about it, Shari. Was your mother really the kind of mother you needed, one you could model yourself after?” Shari shook her head. “I've been a single parent. It's no picnic. It's long nights and not having any money, never having enough rest or time to yourself. It's making sacrifices every day and not having your own life. Are you ready for that?”

“People always say what a blessing having a child is.”

“It is a blessing when two people love each other and are committed in marriage, the way God intended, but His plan was never for the woman to have to struggle alone to raise a child. Do you really think being an eighteen-year-old single parent in college is really what God wants for your life? Do you honestly think this pregnancy was a part of His plan and purpose for you?”

Shari looked confused.

Lawson pulled back, wondering if she was being too harsh. “Look, I'm not saying that your baby is a mistake. He or she may turn out to be a tremendous blessing. I can't imagine not having Namon in my life, but at the same time, it breaks my heart that he's had to suffer for my bad decisions. I wasn't able to give him the life he deserved because I was broke. We struggled for a very long time. I had to put my dreams of going to college on hold so I could raise him. It was tough for a lot of years.”

“But it's okay now, right?”

“It's better, but it's not okay. There's still a lot of tension between Mark and Garrett where Namon is concerned. That'll probably never be fully resolved, and Namon is caught in the middle.”

“Yeah, he's told me that he feels torn sometimes. He doesn't want to hurt Garrett or make him feel like he doesn't appreciate him, but he also wants to have a relationship with his biological father because they missed out on so much time together.”

“That's true. Namon was a teenager when he met Mark. Mark carries around a lot of guilt because he wasn't there for his son. He probably always will. So you see, there hasn't been an easy way out for any of us. It all could've been avoided if I'd waited to have children.”

“But then you wouldn't have Namon.”

“I think I would've still had a child when the time was right, and I would've much rather done it when I was emotionally prepared and financially able to give my child everything he needed. I hated watching him suffer and having to go without new shoes and other things that his classmates had. I was also ashamed that I had to rely on public assistance to take care of him. Nobody wants to be on welfare and have that stigma attached to them. That's certainly not what I wanted for my child or myself.”

“But it's just a hand up to help you get on your feet, right?”

“Honey, it took me thirteen long years to get on my feet! That's a long time to have to struggle.”

Shari exhaled. “I can't even imagine that far out.”

“To be honest with you, I had it easier than a lot of other people. At least Namon was healthy. What if he had been a special needs child? That's a lifelong commitment. Have you thought about the possibility of this being a special needs child and what that would mean for your life?”

Shari shook her head.

“You know, a week ago I attended the funeral for my best friend's son. It was sad and tragic, but if there is a blessing to be found in that, it's that he is no longer suffering. He was born premature, and he probably would've had complications for the rest of his life. His parents would've had to spend the remainder of their lives taking care of him. Thankfully, if they had to, they have the resources and support to do that, but do you? Would you even begin to know how to take care of a child who's autistic or blind or has Down syndrome or any number of complications?”

“I hadn't even thought about that,” admitted Shari. “I have a cousin with epilepsy. It's tough on her whole family. She can't drive or work a real job. She can't even live by herself because her seizures are so severe.”

“It's a lot to consider. You're virtually a kid yourself, Shari. This isn't the kind of thing you should have to be thinking about right now.”

Shari exhaled. “It's all so confusing.”

“I know it is. I was confused when I was pregnant too. I felt trapped and like I had no options. You have options, though, and you have me here to help you make the best choice for you and your baby.”

“I appreciate that. Thank you.”

“You know, Shari, I think that you're a fine young lady. You're smart, beautiful, and talented. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't you want to know what it's like to travel and see the world? Be able to work anywhere or pick up and move whenever you get ready? You and Namon are teenagers. Yes, you care very deeply about one another now, but people change. The kind of guy you like at eighteen isn't the same kind of man you want at twenty-five. You don't want to tie yourself down to a permanent situation at this time in your life.”

At this point, Shari's enthusiasm about her baby had deflated, and she was more confused than she had been since failing her pregnancy test. “I don't know what the best thing to do is.”

Lawson looked her in the eyes. “Be honest with me, Shari. Do you really want a baby right now? Don't worry about the politically correct answer. Be honest with me and honest with yourself. Do you truly want this baby?”

“If I say no, what kind of person does that make me?”

“It makes you human! Honey, you're eighteen years old, a freshman in college, with no job, no money. Frankly, I'd be more concerned if you were happy about all of this.”

“But this is my responsibility. I made the choice to have sex with Namon, and I have to live with that decision.”

“So you deserve to be punished for the next twenty years because you had a lapse in judgment? That's not fair to you, it's not fair to Namon, and most of all, it's not fair to this baby, who will have to suffer because his parents took on a responsibility they couldn't handle. This isn't about punishing you for having sex, Shari. That's a done deal, and there's nothing you can do about that now. All you can do is learn something, rectify the situation, and move on.”

“How do I do that?”

Lawson placed her hand on top of Shari's. “By listening to your heart and doing what's best for everyone involved.”

“You think I should put the baby up for adoption?”

“That's an option, but if you carry this baby to term, do you really think you'd be able to give it up? You'd be so caught up in the emotions and guilt that you probably wouldn't be able to make any rational decisions. Let's suppose you were able to give up the child. Most black children who end up in foster care don't get adopted. They grow up being shuffled from place to place, often ending up in even worse situations. Is that what you want for your baby? Can you live with that?”

“No, but that leaves only abortion as an option.”

Lawson nodded slowly. “I'd never tell you to have an abortion, but, yes, that is an option.”

“I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I mean, it would be a solution to all my problems.”