Dr. Nicholas Is Ridiculous! (5 page)

We all took seats. Andrea went up to the whiteboard and wrote HISTORY IS FUN! on it.

“I'd like to call this meeting of the Study Buddies to order,” she said. “Who can tell me the name of the first president?”

“Wait a minute,” I shouted, “you're not a teacher!”

“But I know all the answers for the test, Arlo,” Andrea said. “Do
you
?”

“Sure I do,” I told her.

“Oh, yeah?” Andrea said. “Who was the first president?”

“Abraham Lincoln,” I said. “So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.”

Everybody laughed even though I didn't say anything funny.

“It was George Washington, dumbhead,” Neil whispered to me.

“I knew that,” I lied.

Bummer in the summer! I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

We went over all the questions that were on the test, and I found out that I got a few of them wrong the first time. I learned that we fought England in the Revolutionary War. Not the Galactic Empire. I learned that if the president dies, the vice president becomes president. Not Chuck Norris. I learned that Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. Not Bob Lightbulb.

After a million hundred hours of studying, you'll never believe who poked her head into the basement door.

Nobody! If you poked your head into a door, it would hurt. But you'll never believe who poked her head into the door
way
.

It was Andrea's mom! She looks just like Andrea but with wrinkles. She was with my mom. And they had a big plate full of chocolate chip cookies!

“You kids are working very hard,” Andrea's mom told us. “You could be home playing video games and having fun. But here you are learning about history.”

“I'm so proud of you!” said my mom.

She was just about to cry, so I was allowed to eat five cookies. Soon the other parents showed up to take everybody home. We had learned all kinds of history stuff that we didn't know before.

I was ready to kick butt on the big test.
*

When we got to school the next morning, there was a sign on our classroom door. . . .

GO TO THE SCIENCE ROOM

Hmmm, that was weird.

We went to the science room, which is all the way at the other end of the school. And you'll never guess in a million hundred guesses what was in the middle of the science room.

Wrong. It was a boat!

WHAT?!

A giant rowboat was in the middle of the room! It was the weirdest thing in the history of the world! Mrs. Yonkers, our computer teacher, was in the science room too, along with Mr. Docker and Dr. Nicholas.

“Where did you get a boat?” I asked.

“From Rent-A-Boat,” said Dr. Nicholas. “You can rent anything. But this isn't just
any
old boat. It's a
time
boat.”

“What's a time boat?” asked Andrea.

“A time boat is a boat that travels through time,” said Mr. Docker. “Mrs. Yonkers and I invented a time machine, with the help of Dr. Nicholas of course.”

“Are we going to travel through time?” asked Alexia.

“Yes!” said Dr. Nicholas. “I figured the best way for you children to learn history would be to go there and see it for yourself.”

“Yay!” we all shouted.

Traveling through time is the coolest. I saw a movie once about a guy who traveled back in time. When he got there, he killed his mother by accident. So he was never born. That movie was weird.

“Wait a minute,” said Michael. “Why do we need a boat? Why didn't you just build a time machine out of a phone booth or a car?”

“Because the whole class can't fit inside a phone booth or a car,” said Mrs. Yonkers.

“Hop in!” said Dr. Nicholas.

We all climbed into the time boat. I sat in the front with the guys and Alexia. Andrea and Emily sat in the back.

“Where are we going?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“You will be traveling back to the year 1776,” said Dr. Nicholas. She was fiddling with a bunch of knobs on the control panel of the time boat.

“Are you coming with us?” asked Ryan.

“Oh no,” said Dr. Nicholas. “There's no room for grown-ups in the time boat.”

“Do we need to paddle or anything?” asked Michael.

“No. Just hold on tight!”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” I said.

It was exciting. The closest I ever came to traveling through time was when my family went to a restaurant called Medieval Times. They had these guys on horses charging at each other with spears while we ate chicken. That place was weird.

“I'm scared!” said Emily, who is scared of everything.

“Don't be afraid,” said Dr. Nicholas. “You have nothing to fear but fear itself.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Beats me,” said Ryan.

“On your mark,” yelled all the grown-ups, “get set . . . GO!”

Suddenly, the lights went out. It was so dark, I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face. Then there was a buzzing sound, and the time boat began to rumble and shake. There was electricity in the air.

Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would all die.

“Help!” yelled all the girls. Everybody was freaking out.

We were going back in time! I held on to the side of the time boat. There were flashing yellow lights and strange noises. It went on for a long time.

And then, suddenly, everything stopped.

A spotlight fell on a lady who was sitting on a chair next to the time boat. She was dressed in old-time clothes, and she was sewing stars onto a flag. She looked a lot like our librarian, Mrs. Roopy.

“Who are you?” asked Andrea.

“I'm Betsy Ross,” the lady replied.

“Wow!” I said. “My mom loves your song ‘Stop! In The Name Of Love.'”

“That's
Diana
Ross, dumbhead!” said Ryan.

“You look a lot like Mrs. Roopy,” said Neil.

“Never heard of her,” said the lady who called herself Betsy Ross.

“What are you doing?” asked Emily.

“What does it look like?” Betsy Ross said. “I'm making an American flag.”

“Why don't you just go to a store and
buy
a flag?” I asked her.

“They don't sell American flags in stores here in 1776,” Betsy Ross told us. “I'm making the first one. You see, we colonists are sick and tired of British rule. So we're starting a revolution.”

Betsy Ross told us all about the Revolutionary War. But suddenly, while she was talking, the lights went out. The time boat started shaking and rumbling. There were bright lights flashing. Everybody was freaking out again.

And then the lights went back on. We were back in the science room with Dr. Nicholas and Mrs. Yonkers.

“That was cool!” I said. “We got to see Diana Ross, live and in person!”

“It was almost like a ride at an amusement park,” said Neil.

“Do you think we
really
traveled through time?” asked Ryan.

“I don't know,” said Michael. “That lady seemed pretty real.”

“Can we do it again?” asked Andrea.

“Sure,” said Dr. Nicholas as she went over to the control panel. “This time you're going to go back to the year 1920.”

Dr. Nicholas fiddled with the knobs. The lights went out, the time boat started shaking, and the next thing we knew, there was a guy standing next to us. He looked a lot like Mr. Docker, and he was holding a bowl of peanuts.

“Who are you?” we asked.

“My name is George Washington Carver,” he replied. “I'm an inventor.”

“You look a lot like Mr. Docker,” I told him. “With a wig.”

“Never heard of him,” the guy said. “I was born a slave, but I grew up to become one of the most famous scientists in the world. I took peanuts and made them into peanut butter, paper, ink, oils, and over three hundred other products.”

“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

George Washington Carver told us all about peanuts and even let us eat some. That guy was nutty for peanuts! Then the lights started flashing again, the time boat started shaking, and we were back in the science room.

After that we got to go back in time to meet Susan B. Anthony (who looked a lot like Miss Small, our gym teacher), Thomas Edison (who looked a lot like Mr. Macky, our reading specialist), and Grandma Moses (who looked a lot like Dr. Nicholas). It was the greatest day of my life. You should have
been
there!