Denying Heaven (Room 103) (18 page)

My body ignited with greed as I slid my arms around his
back and scraped my nails over the thin material of his t-shirt, pulling him
further into me as my thighs trembled and my pussy throbbed.

Fuck, why did he make me ready for begging when not two
seconds ago, he had enraged me so much I had wanted him to leave?

“See Spirit, that sin inside you craves me.”

His hands ripped at my t-shirt, lifting it over my head
so he could release my breasts as my fingers desperately yanked his belt open
so I could free his cock, eager to feel the smoothness in my hand as I wrapped
my fist around his solid length and squeezed tightly.

“Oh, fuck!” he hissed as his mouth settled on the base of
my neck. “You set me on fire, Spirit, fuck!”

I yanked his head back to me, urgently needing to feel
his lips over mine again. “I need you, Bulk. I need you to make me forget,” I
breathed against his mouth before he swiped his tongue over my bottom lip. His
eyes were locked on mine, his gaze penetrating me to my core as he teased and
nibbled my lips.

“On your knees.”

So simple but the words fired an inferno inside me,
causing a pleasurable ripple to flow through me and my mouth to water at the
thought of once again taking his rigid cock and fucking him with my mouth.

I sank down him, my hands against his still clothed chest
as my eyes never left his through my descent.

“Give me your hands.”

I held them in front of me instantly, his domineering
tone bringing a slight moan involuntary as his huge hands enfolded my wrists
and he held them against his stomach.

He whipped off his t-shirt with his other hand then
guided the tip of his cock across my bottom lip. My tongue swept out to taste
but Bulk pulled back, “Wait!”

I sucked air through my nose to try and calm the heat
coursing through my veins as I knelt before him, awaiting his next instruction
whilst he watched his movements over my mouth.

“Open.”

My jaw dropped with his order ready to accommodate his
demand and take his hard erection inside my mouth.

“Tell me.” He said as he ran a drop of pre-cum over my
chin and my tongue shot out to catch it. “Uh-uh, tell me then you can have it.”

I frowned and looked up at him, “Tell you what?”

He teased again, trickling his shaft across my lips,
enticing me as my face followed his route, desperation making me disobedient
and producing a quick lick of my tongue over the velvet skin, “Please, Bulk.”

His fingers twisted in my hair so he could hold my head
still and as he gave it a gentle yank, bringing my face up to his, I gasped at
the raw power he was generating. His eyes were practically ablaze as his jaw
tightened and a muscle in his cheek twitched. “Tell me what happened between
you both.”

“What the fuck is this?” I spat as I tried to wriggle
from his hold and get away but he detained me by my hair.

“This, honey, is me mad! Tell me and I’ll give you what
you want. Because I know what you want Spirit, you want it hard and rough. You
want me to create the pain that drives the ecstasy through you. You want me to
take you hard, right against this wall here, drive into you so brutally that
you feel me in your damn soul.”

My chest was heaving as I stared at him. He was right but
I wouldn’t give in, I wouldn’t bow down to this… shit, this blackmail and I
struggled beneath him but he slid to his knees in front of me and grasped my
chin, tilting my head back until we were so close our noses were touching.

He slid a hand over the crotch of my jeans and squeezed
causing a shudder of excitement to swell in my pussy, dampening my knickers
with arousal as my veins vibrated with the need. “This…” he pressed his palm
onto my clit, his expertise knowing exactly where to push, “This now belongs to
me, Spirit.
You
belong to me. You didn’t bring out these… these damn
fucking emotions in me to tootle back to fucking Popeye with a click of his
fingers.”

I yanked my body backwards as his fingers popped the
button on my jeans and he slid his hand down the gap, a finger instantly
finding my aroused clitoris and circling around it boldly as his eyes burnt
straight through me. “Stop it, Bulk.” It was more of a whimper than an order
and I bit my lip when he defied my request and slid the tip of his finger over
the peak of my nub. “Shit, please Bulk.”

“Tell me, honey, tell me and you can have it.”

I was going crazy; my furious head was screaming at me to
keep control as my body pleaded for me to let go, tell him everything and take
the fucking he offered.

“Tell me!” He demanded, “Tell me what fucking happened!”

My breathing was getting out of control as I strived to
draw in oxygen with my anger as my body vibrated with a thirst I thought I
would die from.

“Spirit, tell – me…”

“He beat the shit out of me!!!” I screamed at him, “He
corned me in the shower and hit me, over and over with the shower head until…”
I drew in a sob, a large heavy sob as Bulk’s eyes flamed with both rage and
compassion, “Until I passed out.”

He stared at me as I stared at him through my tears, a
strangled cry trying to hike up my throat but I swallowed it back and pushed
him away as I pulled myself upright. “Now get out! Get out!!”

He shook his head at me as he came to stand before me,
“No.”

“You don’t have a choice arsehole, just go. What is it
with you men? You all think you can bark an order and I will submit. Well I’m
sorry Bulk, I don’t work like that.”

I turned away, desperate for him to not see my
heartbreak, eager for him not to see my love for him behind my eyes, but most
of all frantic that he didn’t push further because now -
now
, there was
only one secret left, and that one would blow the shit out of him.

I stared at her, trying to comprehend what Danny had done
to her.

“What?” I stuttered out, “He what?”

I could feel the bile rising up my throat as Shona’s
beating flickered through my mind and my heart nearly stopped when I realised
Spirit could so nearly have gone the same way. “He beat the shit out of you,
yet you look at him like he’s fucking God!”

“I do not look at him like he’s God, Bulk.”

I scoffed and followed her into the room, my anger with
her subservient behaviour over a psychotic nutter driving me insane as it
confused the fuck out of me. “What is it with him, what does he have that you
can’t seem to break from?”

She ran her hands through her hair in frustration but I
wasn’t leaving until I found out the real reason for their split. “He doesn’t
have anything, now just leave it and leave me.”

“No fucking way. Tell me then, why did he beat you?”

“Bulk, will you just go.” It was said with a heavy sigh
this time as my interrogation dragged her down and she slumped on the sofa,
dropping her face in her hands as a shiver racked through her body.

“You hankering?” I asked softly when I took the place on
the sofa beside her and placed a hand on her thigh as I tried to keep my eyes
from her breasts, her deep inhalations lifting them and dropping them
hypnotically. “God, you’re beautiful,” I whispered and blinked when I realised
I’d said the words out loud.

She frowned at me then shook her head and rose from the
sofa. “No Bulk, really I’m not, not inside. It would be for the best if you
just… left me alone.”

I stood and took the few steps needed to reach her,
“Spirit, whatever it is, just tell me, I can handle it. I’m a
big boy
.”

She smiled slightly with my innuendo then looked away,
her stunning face contorting with a sadness that pulled something inside me and
caused a shiver through my veins.

“Trust me, its best you don’t know. Just go Bulk,
please.”

“No,” I answered sternly as I grasped her chin and pulled
her face back to me. “
Trust me
, Spirit. Talk to me, please.”

She gazed at me for an eternity as though assessing my
words but then sighed and went to retrieve her shirt from the floor and slipped
it over her head, “Goodbye, Bulk.”

My anger with her pig-headedness saw me suddenly framing
her body and pushing her back against the wall. This damn woman had a way of
driving me mad, her cryptic words and the emotion that flowed through her eyes
as she obviously battled with the self-hatred and the need for solace. “Why are
you fighting this? Why won’t you let go?” I growled as her eyes pooled and she
fought underneath me.

“I’m not letting you go, not until you tell me what he
has,
what he is
!”

“He – has – nothing! Nothing!!”

She was now screaming as her face twisted my gut with its
devastation and fear and I grabbed onto her arms to stop the thrashing she was
giving herself against the wall. “Stop it!”

Her fists hammered my chest as distraught snotty sobs
poured from her, her body racking great big heavy howls as she continued to
fight me, “Spirit! Stop it, you’ll hurt the baby!”

She stiffened immediately, her wide wet eyes staring at
me and I wasn’t completely sure if she was totally with me.

“No…” she whispered as she shook her head rapidly, “No, I
would never Bulk, never.”

The horror on her face brought my palm gently onto her
cheek to soothe her distress, “Ssshhh, I know, I know you would never hurt it.”

She nodded frantically at me as tears whipped from her
face and she blinked wildly, “No, never Bulk, never!”

“Spirit! I know, okay now stop it, I know you would never
hurt your baby.” I stroked a thumb across her cheek bone, trying to mollify her
anguish but her face crumpled and her knees buckled.

“But I did.”

It was said so quietly and so full of exhaustion I
thought that maybe she had finally lost it. “What?”

Her eyes widened when she realised she had spoken the
words out loud. Then something, I wasn’t sure what, drove a piercing pain
through my heart when the expression of defeat and weariness covered her face.
Her eyes dimmed as the life just bled out of her and her skin blanched, sagging
as her resistance finally gave. The turbulence and torture that persecuted her
wrecked me as her soul begged and pleaded for me to help her, to rid the
monster that effortlessly brutalized her constantly and devoured her from the
inside.

She lifted her face up to mine, the look of immense grief
concealing her beauty as she retched, “I killed her. I killed my baby… I killed
my beautiful baby…”

She started to mutter, the words duplicating over and
over as she shook her head despairingly. “I killed her… I killed her. She was
beautiful and I killed her.”

I was tempted to slap her to make her start talking sense
instead of the insane babble that was leaving her lips. “Spirit,” I snapped as
I shook her slightly. “What the hell are you on about?”

She was away with the fairies, her eyes staring through
me and her body shivering manically as she kept going, “She’s dead, she’s dead…
I killed her…”

“GOD DAMN IT, STOP!” I screamed at her as my head popped
with the chilling tone of her voice. If I hadn’t known better I would’ve
thought she had been possessed by something evil.

She snapped her jaw shut, her insane gibberish halting
instantly and I sighed in relief but then she destroyed me piece by piece with
each of her next words.

“I – was seven months pregnant.” Her dead eyes hollowed
through my soul as I stopped breathing with her final truth. “I overdosed on
heroin and killed her.”

Each word was spoken bluntly, levelly and so flatly she
sounded like a voice recording and I stumbled backwards as each word hit me raw
and painfully, shattering my soul and stabbing my spirit so excruciatingly. “I
– killed – her” she finished with a lifeless whisper before she left me stood,
in her hallway, as she walked through the door and closed it quietly behind
her.

***

It was dark and silent, and three hours since Spirit had
disappeared. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to come back or not. My legs were
still trembling and I was still sat hunched at the bottom of the hallway wall
where I had slumped when Spirit walked out.

What the hell?

Just… what the hell?

I was worried about her… and my baby. What if she…

“Fuck!” I hissed as I pulled myself up and opened the
door to Janey’s frantic knocking.

She stormed past me and turned with a glare and her hands
on her hips, “What did you say to her?”

I took a deep breath and pursed my lips, “Sit the fuck
down and shut the fuck up!”

Her jaw dropped and she spluttered something but I wasn’t
in the mood for female emotional shit so I picked her up by her arms, carried
her into the room and dropped her onto the sofa.

“Tell me about Spirit and Danny!”

She snorted and crossed her arms over her chest defiantly
and I grit my teeth at the rage coursing through me, “Janey, don’t gimme your
bullshit, I am so not in the mood. Now what happened between them?”

She slid her tongue around her top teeth and continued to
glower at me but then she sighed heavily and leaned forwards, resting her
elbows on her knees. “What do you know?”

I settled beside her, resting my gaze on the flicker of
the false flames in Spirit’s ancient fireplace. “I know Danny knocked the fuck
out of her, and I also know he knocked her up.”

She nodded beside me and then closed her eyes. “Do you
know what happened to the baby?” Her voice was croaky with her emotions and
heartache for her best friend.

“Yes. She… we just had a
discussion
about it.” She
whipped her head round and eyed me sceptically until I gave her a weary nod,
“Yeah, she sort of told me but all I got was she OD’d and lost her.”

Janey’s face twisted with the painful memories and she
swallowed heavily. She looked down at the floor then lifted back up and secured
her gaze on the fireplace as she took her mind back.

“Danny and Spirit, River as she was then, fell in love.
The usual stuff, you know how it goes.” She turned to me and I nodded as she
gave me a soft smile. “They doted on each other. Spirit idolised Danny and in
the beginning, he adored her. They were like something out of a romance novel.”

She smiled and sighed as the memories sailed through her
head but then her brow furrowed and her face darkened. “Spirit was eighteen
when Danny proposed and then they took the next step and moved in together.
When you’re living with your parents the whole world seems rosy and easy but…
but they struggled, badly. Money was tight, Danny became volatile and Riv…
Spirit, she just seemed to submit more and more to him. It was crazy stuff, she
just rolled over and let him take, take everything out of her and from her.”

She bit her lip and turned her face to the window, my
gaze following as we both concentrated on the flow of the rain against the
window, my eyes locking on a particular dribble as it ran down the glass,
tempting me to watch and remove myself from the horror opening up in the room.
“Go on,” I urged softly.

She continued but didn’t remove her eyes from the window.
“I suspected Danny was using for a while and when I pulled Spirit up about it,
she went mad at me, raging about how I should support my family, my brother. We
fell out and I didn’t see them both for a year.”

A sob racked painfully out of her and I placed my hand on
her knee, trying to push the comfort through and demolish her ache. “I tried
Bulk, I tried so hard with her but she was too in love, too besotted by him.”

“I know, Janey, it wasn’t your fault.”

She smiled softly then her lip curled. “I don’t know
exactly when but in that year they met Kenny.”

My heart twitched and my gut growled with the mention of
Kenny but I turned to her and nodded to guide her on. “Well… Kenny, where do we
start with him? He’s manipulative, greedy and evil and wants exactly what he
can’t have…”

“Spirit.” I finished for her.

She nodded and exhaled deeply, “Spirit and I bumped into
each other, off chance, and then we seemed to rekindle our relationship but I
told her I didn’t want anything to do with Danny. She seemed fine with that and
we kept our friendship a secret.”

She swallowed and narrowed her eyes at the memories, her
eyes twitching as the replay hurt her heart. “It wasn’t too long before I
realised Spirit was using too. She was always broke, always. She couldn’t even
afford bloody coffee when we met.”

She turned towards me, her face hard and dark. “A few
weeks later I met her and she was a mess. I knew something was wrong and I eventually
found out Danny and Kenny has pressured her into making
that
video. She
said the dealers were threatening to kill Danny and if she did it then they
would clear the debt.”

“Jesus Christ!” I sighed and ran my hands over my face.
“I thought it was something she’d enjoyed, something she had been willing to
do.”

Janey shook her head adamantly, “No, no way. I met her a
couple of days after and she was spaced out, Bulk. It had hit her hard and she
was struggling with herself over what she had done. She blamed herself of
course, but I knew exactly where those thoughts had come from.”

“Danny?”

She nodded and cursed; her lips tight as she mumbled a
swearword under her breath and closed her eyes tightly to reel in her anger.
“And Kenny. But then Kenny decided after that he would make a ‘special video’.”
She bit out, flicking her fingers and making an air quote, “Just for an extra
so he could steal a deal with the suppliers for her. Of course the recording
included him
and
Danny.”

My blood shot through my veins at an alarming speed as my
head swayed with fury. What the hell had they done to her, and more importantly
why did she stay?

“I tried to console her, get her through the ‘disgust’ as
she called it but it bore her down. Until one day we met and she was suddenly
so happy.”

“She was pregnant” I stated, knowing the answer because
of how happy Spirit had looked when we talked about her pregnancy. It occurred
to me that Spirit wanted motherhood so bloody much. I knew she wanted to redeem
herself through her own parenting. Forgive her parents for their ways as she
loved her own little family. She wanted to make it all right with a family and
my heart ached for her as my soul wept in sorrow. I knew that because I had
felt exactly the same way when I found out Shona…
and
Spirit were
pregnant.

It was God’s way of throwing a bone, of saying ‘Here,
second chance and make it work this time. Be the family you always wanted for
yourself’.

I turned back to Janey and wiped the stray tear that was
rolling down her cheek away. “She was so happy Bulk, so bloody happy.”

Her smile was bittersweet as her eyes lifted to mine,
“Until she came home and found Danny in bed with her sister.”

My jaw dropped in shock and I stared at her in
bewilderment, “What? I…”

“Didn’t know she had a sister?” She scoffed, “That’s cos’
we don’t
mention
her.” She raised her brows at me, “Though God knows it
might do that girl some good to vent that fucking anger.”

“Fucking Christ!” I stood and walked over to the window.

Taking it all in was just so hard. My own bloody history
mixed with Spirit’s was a disaster waiting to happen. Our own grief would clash
and kill us, before we’d even got anywhere. The whole relationship was built on
sorrow and pain and my heart ached at the realisation that Spirit and I were
going nowhere. She needed someone who had the strength to support her and give
her all of them, not someone who was battling their own demons and couldn’t
give any more.