Crush (Hard Hit #5) (9 page)

“No.” The word came out louder than Orlando meant, and Alex came to his feet. Gannon waved him away. Orlando tempered his voice. “I need you to tell me everything he confided in you. Andrei says you’re a nice person, and if I ask, you’ll tell me. I’m hoping he’s right.” Gannon’s shoulders fell and Orlando could smell victory.

“Why do you want this, Orlando? I didn’t want it, but someone had to help him carry it. Jesus, you realize I’m not weak, right? At any time, I could’ve gotten out, enlisted Kieran to help me, but I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. If I’d said anything to anyone about what he’d told me, I honestly don’t think he would’ve lived to the end of that day, but staying quiet didn’t help either. You have no idea the guilt I carry. Do you really want the burden too when it’s too late to help anyone?”

The bitter taste of his pride almost choked Orlando, but he’d walked into this, swearing to do right. “You couldn’t save him, Gannon. No one could save him. Let’s give him the vindication in death he didn’t get in life. He’s not here to see it, but I need to know it all, so I can show I would’ve stood with him.”

For an unguarded moment, Orlando caught a glimpse of Gannon’s soul. It was shattered. Kieran was right. There was nothing anyone could do to Gannon worse than he did to himself. Still, he’d come to speak his piece, and he might never get a chance again. Squaring his shoulders against the pain in Gannon’s eyes, Orlando said something that had eaten away at him for the past two years.

“You don’t deserve to be happy.”

Gannon nodded. “I know.”

Orlando waved away his agreement. “Just let me get this out before you tell me everything, and I lose all sense of reason.”

Gannon nodded again, but he held his tongue, giving Orlando the floor.

He started over. “You don’t deserve to be happy. But you also didn’t deserve to die by Seb’s hand after everything you did for him. Just in case you’ve ever questioned why I made the choices I did that night, that’s why, and I need you to know it. But I also need you to understand that was my brother. My
baby
brother. He’s dead, and you don’t deserve to get to walk away and be happy. I won’t bother you again after today. No more calls or nothing like that, but I’ll never believe you deserve an ounce of happiness in this life.” It was harder than Orlando could’ve ever imagined to say those words. In all the years he’d pictured doing so, he never once dreamed it would slice across his heart. His lips moved, dropping three words Orlando didn’t intend to say, but once they were out there, the pain stopped. “I forgive you.”

Gannon covered his mouth with both hands, and tears filled his eyes. He blinked them back before they fell. With a nod, he visibly pulled himself together. “I’m sorry, but if I’m going to tell you everything, I’ll have to be brutal and quick. I see my husband on the phone over there, and I guarantee it’s Kieran on the other end of the line.”

“You’re married?”

Gannon smiled. “Yeah. The day after the incident with Andrei on the boat, we went for it. It’s the real thing, so why wait, right?”

“Yeah,” Orlando said, feeling numb. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized how his hatred had isolated him. Two people had died that night by the river. The only difference was Orlando’s body hadn’t yet given up the fight.

*

Noah:
I hear you’re free. Want to get together?

Andrei:
Just tell me when and where.

Noah:
Puck Drop. 15 minutes?

Andrei:
Until then…

Two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours. Twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes. Almost a million point three seconds. No matter which way Andrei looked at it, he couldn't find a way to look at the time he'd been apart from Orlando that matched how long it felt. His body burned. His heart ached. He missed the sound of Orlando's voice, his smell, and the heat of his body. No matter how hard he tried, Andrei couldn't focus on anything other than what he'd lost. That was the real reason he'd agreed to meet with Noah.

He was on his phone when Andrei cleared the door of Puck Drop. Big surprise. Andrei felt very old in Noah’s company. The man was always texting. It was equally obvious he’d been there a while. Beer bottles and shot glasses lined one side of the table. Noah glanced up and winked.

“Hey, man.” He motioned toward the seat across from him before returning to his texting. Andrei barely held on to his eye roll as he accepted Noah’s silent invitation to join him.

“You celebrating something?” Andrei asked, nodding toward the empty glasses and bottles.

Noah snorted and set his phone aside. “I have a head start on you. What can I get you?”

For some reason Andrei couldn’t explain, he suddenly felt old and tired. This was one of the many reasons he’d retired. He’d burned out on all this bullshit a long time ago.

“How are you getting home?” Andrei asked instead of answering Noah’s question.

A wicked smile spread across Noah’s face. “Are you offering to take me?”

Orlando’s claims about Noah ran through Andrei’s mind. He feared Orlando had been right. Noah was greedy for whatever and whoever he could get. The idea made him sad for Noah as well as himself. They weren’t that different—both of them were hiding their hearts behind a façade.

“Yes. I’m offering.”

Noah’s carefree veneer melted away, allowing Andrei a glimpse of the unhappy person living inside him. “There’s something different about you today, Andrei. Did you allow Sexy Chocolate to break you?”

“I was this way long before Orlando.”

Noah shook his head. “This serious side of you is new.” That was Orlando’s fault. No one else’s laughter felt the same against his ears. He didn’t want it. Andrei couldn’t find the words to respond. “It’s okay,” Noah said, sparing Andrei. “I don’t want to be your first choice. That would mean I have the power to hurt you. Trust me, someone like me should never have that control over anyone.”

“Me either,” Andrei said, coming to his feet. “Come on. I’m afraid you’ll die of alcohol poisoning if you stay here long enough to order another a drink.”

Noah chuckled but dutifully stood. “I see your point.”

The drive to Noah’s house was made—for the most part—in silence. The constant chiming of Noah’s phone kept Andrei from falling too deeply into his black thoughts. Self-hatred was an ugly thing he wasn’t unfamiliar with, but he’d never experienced it at the depth he had since allowing Orlando to walk away. His entire body felt like an open wound—like he’d torn half his soul away and tossed it out. From the very beginning, he’d been unable to explain his attraction to Orlando. At some point, that craving had transformed into an obsession. He wasn’t sure when he’d hit that point, but he knew the exact moment he’d fallen in love. It was the day Orlando had admitted to risking an ass whooping to visit an old lady and hear about her quilts. Andrei had called him a bad person. The sick feeling in his stomach hadn’t abated since.

Even as he parked outside Noah’s and walked him to the door, Andrei wondered if he’d go inside this time, wiping away any shot at ever reclaiming the man he loved. When they reached the door, Noah glanced both ways, as if assuring they were alone. When he met Andrei’s gaze again, the determination in his eyes couldn’t be missed. He took a step forward, forcing Andrei back before flattening his palms against the wall beside his front door, boxing Andrei in.

“What are you doing here with me?”

Confusion tried clouding Andrei’s thoughts. “Hanging out.”

A flash of anger crossed Noah’s features, surprising Andrei. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. I saw the way you lit from the inside out when Orlando showed up at Club Khronos.” That unbalanced Andrei, since he hadn’t seen Noah look away from his phone. “You’re stupid as fuck if you’re here with me if someone else makes you feel.”

Anger loosened Andrei’s tone. “You are one to talk. Does your actress know where you are right now?”

The way Noah’s features snapped close didn’t bring Andrei an ounce of pleasure. An odd suspicion snuck in. Every time they’d been together flashed through Andrei’s mind. The way Noah always hid behind his phone and kept his distance wherever they sat finally made sense. “Oh.” Andrei hadn’t meant to say it, but his surprise was tremendous. “I see. Does she know?”

A tic began in Noah’s jaw, and his eyes darkened. “Her name is Mara, and yes, she knows. We have an understanding.”

An evil smile pulled at Andrei’s lips. It was beyond his control. “But no one else outside your little circle knows you’re gay, do they? Does Troy have an understanding as well?” Noah didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. The rage in his eyes said it all. “I assumed you were bi, and possibly you had an open relationship with this Mara. How wrong I’ve been lately, I can’t like it.”

In spite of his obvious anger, Noah didn’t take the bait. He moved in closer until barely an inch separated them. “I wonder what would happen if I kissed you now. Would you try to want it—the way you did last time?” That surprised Andrei. He thought he’d done a damn good job of faking it. Unfortunately, Noah wasn’t finished taunting him. “Or would you shove me away,” he said, sounding more furious by the second. “My money is on the latter, because in spite of continuing to seek me out, you love that guy. You don’t want to, but you don’t get to choose. Trust me. I know. I don’t want this,” Noah said, going hip to hip with Andrei, letting him feel his desire. “My body, craving your touch. I don’t want that. I would’ve liked a normal, easy life, but I didn’t get it. Now, here we are. Are you going to come inside and fuck me, or go home to Orlando where you belong? Let’s find out.” Andrei’s phone chirped, alerting him of an incoming call. Noah’s eyes flashed with humor. “Saved again.”

Andrei moved out of Noah’s hold, pulling his phone from his pocket as he went. It was another strike against Noah as far as Andrei was concerned. He didn’t know Andrei at all. If Orlando had been the one intent on kissing him, no call or text could’ve stopped him. Kieran’s name flashed across the screen.

“Hello?” Even Andrei could hear the question in his tone as he answered. Kieran never called.

“Andrei, I’m heading into a meeting, so I only have about thirty seconds, but I thought you’d like to know that Orlando is sitting inside Café Augusto at a table with Gannon as we speak.”

Andrei let a string of Russian fly before calling his temper under control. “I’ll take care of it.”

“Thank you,” Kieran said before disconnecting the call.

The temptation to beat the shit out of the side of his truck like an enraged lunatic was overwhelming. Somehow, Andrei managed to calmly say his goodbyes.

“I have to go.”

A bitter smile touched Noah’s lips. “Of course you do.”

Andrei shoved his hands through his hair, tempted to pull it out at the roots. “It’s important.”

“I’m sure it is,” Noah said, still sounding fake.

“We’ll talk about this later.”

Noah’s false smile grew. “Let’s not.”

“Fuck,” Andrei growled, heading for his truck without bothering to respond. He didn’t know if he should apologize or tell Noah to go fuck himself, but either way, he didn’t have time right now. He needed to get to Café Augusto before Alex showed up and killed Orlando. He made it in less than seven minutes without getting a ticket, which was a miracle in itself. Andrei spotted the pair the moment he stepped inside. Seated together in the corner, they were deep in conversation while Alex watched them like a hawk from two tables over.

As he cleared the doorway, Gannon caught sight of him. He said something to Orlando, nodding in Andrei’s direction. Orlando stood. The instant he turned, their eyes met for a moment before Orlando looked right through him, even as he dipped his chin, acknowledging Andrei’s presence. When Orlando brushed past him, heading for the exit, Andrei held his breath. The desire to reach for him was crippling. But there was no warmth in Orlando’s eyes and he deserved that. Instead of chasing after him and demanding answers, Andrei moved to join Gannon, claiming the seat Orlando vacated.

With his elbows resting on the table, Gannon kept his lips pressed to his clasped hands and stared into space. When Andrei spoke, Gannon jumped in surprise as if he’d lost himself for a moment. “Are you okay?"

Alex claimed the seat at Gannon’s side. He gingerly draped his arm across the back of Gannon’s chair, as if expecting the man to come apart at any moment. Gannon played with his coffee cup. His blue eyes look sad. “I’m fine. Thank you. What brings you here?"

“Are you being serious? Your brother called me, of course.”

“Why?" At the question, Andrei stared at Gannon, wondering if the other man had lost his mind. The kindest smile Andrei had ever seen crossed Gannon’s features. “My brother isn’t one to call in favors for things he can handle himself,” Gannon explained. “So why you? There has to be a reason. Kieran doesn’t do anything without having a motive.”

Andrei shrugged. “I suppose he knew I needed the work, and I’m not good at anything other than the hockey. Always the muscle,” Andrei added, falling back on humor as he always did when he was uncomfortable.

“That’s not true. Kieran hired you to scout for him because he knew you’d be damn good at it, and I agree. This is something different. He didn’t hire you to keep an eye on me. You’re doing that for your own reasons. You don’t have to tell me what they are, but I’m hoping
you
know what they are. He maneuvered Alex and me together. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’ve never been more thankful for his quiet meddling. Now,” Gannon said, squaring his shoulders. “Orlando said it was your idea for him to talk to me. I’m still trying to decide if I should thank you for that.”