Broken (33 page)

Theodore sighs through his nose, squeezing me a little tighter. “Nobody is mad at you, James.
Nobody
.”

I bet my mother is.
I don’t think she means it to, but worry has always come out as anger ever since I can remember.

That damn bell rings again and, after laying a chaste kiss on Theodore’s lips, I reluctantly unpeel myself from his body. “I love you.”

Theodore smiles, wrapping his arms around me for a final time and crushing me to his chest. “Thank you,” he mouths. “I love you, too. Always.”

Theodore gave me a bigger gift than he could ever realise today. He gave me that inkling of hope I’ve been searching for. Back in my room I figure out just how to tell him so, too. The song he chose for me by A Great Big World has been playing on a loop in my head since the first time I listened to it, and I know the perfect song of theirs to reply with.
One Step Ahead.
So, pulling out my iPod, I create a new playlist titled
Thank you
and add just that song. I will give it back to him tomorrow.

When dinner rolls around, filled with a newfound sense of determination, I refuse to eat alone in my room again. Heading out into the communal dining room, I suck in a deep, preparing breath, and pull out a chair next to Nancy. I know I’m being watched, and that this will be marked down as progress in my file, and it fills me with a small sense of pride. I
am
making progress. I
will
make more. I
will
get better.

For Theodore.

For my family.

For
me
.

~Theo~

Naively
, I thought the knot of worry tangled around my stomach would loosen once I saw James. It hasn’t. The poised and confidant man I knew just isn’t there anymore. The James I visited yesterday was timid and nervous. His back was hunched, his fingers fidgeted, and his eyes were so…lost. I don’t know how to help him and I feel so damn useless.

After yet another bus ride, I wait for Max outside the hospital unit. When I see him arrive, his mum by his side, my stomach flips in anger.
So she’s decided she can be arsed seeing him now, has she?

Swallowing down my frustration, I decide I need to give her the benefit of the doubt for James’ sake, and offer a weak smile.

“Hey, mate,” Max greets me with a pat on the shoulder.

“Hey.”

Julia, James and Max’s mother, doesn’t acknowledge me, so neither do I. After pressing the buzzer to be let inside, we walk through to reception and Max signs us into the visitor’s book. There are so many buzzers and locked doors here. It’s like a prison they’ve tried to disguise with pots of plastic flowers and landscape paintings.

“Do you mind if I go in alone for a couple of minutes first?” I ask, turning to Max.

“Ye-” Julia tries to answer, but Max over-talks her.

“Of course,” he agrees, making the childish side of me feel a little smug when I see the scowl on his mother’s face.

James is waiting in the same spot as yesterday, talking to a guy wearing an eye-patch.

“I didn’t do it,” the guy says, twisting his fingers together in front of his chest. “Don’t let them tell you I did.”

Nervous, I smile awkwardly, and step past him to get to James.

“Hey,” James says, standing to hug me. His touch melts my anxiety instantly. I miss this.

When we sit down, he tugs at his sleeves like he did yesterday. I try not to stare because clearly he’s self-conscious, but I hope, in time, he learns that he doesn’t need to hide. Not from
me
.

“Don’t look so nervous,” he says, clamping his hand on top of mine. “They won’t hurt you.”

Is it so obvious that this place, these people, make me feel uncomfortable? I can’t help it. I’m not judging on purpose, but they frighten me a little. “Sorry. I don’t mean to.”

“It takes a while to get used to, but they’re just people who aren’t well. Like
me
.”

The difference is James is
my
person, and I feel at ease with him whatever he’s going through.

“Have you taken your meds today?”

“Yes. I’m being a good boy,” he replies, wearing a sarcastic smirk that calms my racing heart.

There you are.

“Oh, I have good news. JD Simmons hit the New York Times bestsellers again. Number twelve.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Leaning forward, I whisper in his ear. “I’m so proud of you.”

When I pull back, I expect to see a look of excitement on his face, but it’s not there. “Aren’t you happy about it?”

“I am.” He shrugs. “It’s just that release feels like a lifetime ago.”

Yeah. Yeah it does. “Max is outside.” I draw a deep breath. “So is your mum.”

“Oh,” he mutters, his solemn gaze sweeping the floor.

“You don’t want to see them?”

“No, I do. I’m just a little nervous. Embarrassed, I suppose.”

“You have
nothing
to be embarrassed about. They’re your family. They love you.”

He looks unsure and my heart aches for him. “You’d better go get them. My mum doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

Your mum can kiss my arse.
“Okay. Back in a sec,” I say, keeping my true thoughts to myself before squeezing his hand and fetching his family.

James is standing when I return with his mum and brother, running his fingers through his hair as if trying to make himself look presentable. He’s thinner, his hair has grown out of style, but he’s still beautiful. He’s still my James.

Julia sits straight down in the chair I can’t help thinking of as
mine
, whereas Max puts his arms around his brother and claps his back.

“When are they letting you out?” Julia asks as James and Max sit down.

When he’s better, you selfish old cow.
Maybe it was an innocent enough question, but because I dislike her, everything she does pisses me off. Like the fact I need to pull up another chair because she’s sitting in
mine
.

“Not yet,” James answers. “A couple of weeks, maybe.”

“You should’ve told me you were struggling,” she says, and I genuinely hope she’s about to prove my opinion of her wrong. “I’d have called Gerard in sooner. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost so much money.”

Yeah…my opinion hasn’t changed.

“It was more than the business,” James says, his voice timid as he stares over her shoulder.

“Well, what else is bothering you?”

“Nothing. It’s…it’s not like that.”

“You have a nice home,
two
nice homes, a good car, a great career,” she continues, ignoring him completely. “Do you know my friend Maggie? She was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She has
real
problems and she’d do anything to survive.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, barely audible.

“What were you thinking?”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“To just…
give up
on life like that? When you’re perfectly healthy?”

But he’s
not
healthy. He’s sick. Bitch.

“Mum,” Max interrupts, his voice scolding. “You’re not helping.”

“He knows what I’m trying to say,” she dismisses with a wave of her hand. “Don’t you, James? Everybody gets depressed now and again but not everyone chooses to put their family through this. You see that, don’t you, James?”

“Y-yes,” James mouths, agreeing with her like a scared child.

“Everyone gets a little
down
sometimes,” I cut in. “Not depressed.”

She looks at me like I’m something she wants to squish under her boot and it takes purposeful effort not to snap.

As if sensing the tension, Max changes the subject. “Isobel got in trouble at nursery yesterday. She flushed a kid’s drawing down the toilet.”

James laughs, and it’s magical. “Why?”

“He called her a baby.”

“Good for Izzy. That’ll teach him for messing with our girl.”

“That’s what I thought. I couldn’t tell her that of course. She’s lost her tablet for two days.”

“Her tablet? She’s only three!”

“It’s a special kiddy one,” Max clarifies. “She’s been asking about you.”

“She has?” The brightest, most genuine smile illuminates James’ face.

“She’s been making her birthday list. You’re down for a Paw Patrol Pup Pad.”

“I have no idea what that is.”

“Oh, she’ll tell you. She had me circle it in the toy catalogue so she could show you.”

“I can’t wait to see her,” James says, and there’s a sincerity in his smile that makes me believe him.

“What’s the food like?” I ask, keeping the conversation light…at least until his mother’s gone.

“Edible,” he replies with a smile. He’s still tugging at his sleeves and I wonder if Max notices, too. I doubt his mum does. She’s too self-absorbed to pay attention to what her own son is doing. “I’ll ask if I’m allowed to bring you some sushi in from the place you like tomorrow.”

“Ew. Do you like that stuff?” Julia asks with a shudder. It might well be the only thing we agree on.

“I’d love that,” James says. “Thank you.”

Awkward conversation and uncomfortable silences continue throughout visiting time. Julia is the cause of the tense atmosphere, though I’m sure she’s too conceited to know it. I also expect I’m alone in that thought. She’s their mother and they love her, but that doesn’t mean
I
have to.

“I’m sorry,” James mutters, unnecessarily, for what must be the twentieth time as he hugs his mum goodbye with one arm.

“Just cheer up and get out of here. We’ll discuss your position in the business when you’re home. It might be time to make Gerard an active partner.”

She looks at me briefly when she let’s go of James and I force a smile, hoping its insincerity shines bright.
I hate you.

When Max and Julia leave, I linger behind for a minute to say goodbye. “It was good to see you smile today,” I tell him, clasping the top of his arm.

“It
felt
good.”

“Whatever you’re doing, keep going. I can’t wait to lie with you.
Hold
you…” Leaning in, I hover my lips next to his ear and whisper, “…without eye-patch guy watching us.”

James chuckles. “I want that, too.”

Smiling, I let go of his arm, my fingers mourning his warmth. “See you tomorrow?”

“You will.”

I turn to leave, stopping when his hand appears on my shoulder. “Thank you, Theodore.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his iPod, handing it to me.

I raise an eyebrow, confused. “For what?”

“Staying.”

My lips curl and I drop my head to the side, resting my cheek on his hand. “Always.”

**********

The next day, I’m taking the bus into town to pick up James’ sushi when I receive a call from Max. “Hey,” I answer, my mood upbeat.

It’s quashed immediately. “The hospital just rang. James had a bit of a meltdown this morning. He can’t have visitors today.”

My heart slowly slithers into my stomach. “What kind of meltdown? Is he okay?”

“He got upset after his therapy session.” Max sighs. “Smashed up his room.”

Oh, James. What are you doing?

“The nurse I spoke to said it’s normal, that we should expect setbacks like this.”

But I wasn’t. He seemed so positive yesterday. A little quiet, perhaps, but more like himself.

“Right. Okay. Can I go tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. I’ll call in the morning and see how he is.”

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

Disheartened, my hand falls into my lap after ending the call. I’m beyond gutted, knowing James is struggling and, once again, I’m not with him. All I have to offer is my arms, my love, and I’d do anything to give that to him right now.

There’s no point in continuing my journey, so I get off the bus at the next stop and wait for one that will take me back to my flat, where I plan to wait for Tess…and probably cry.

**********

It takes three days for James to be ready to see me again, and I spend those days listening to the song he chose for me over and over again. At first, it filled me with faith, now I just feel sad. Has he stopped believing the lyrics?

Keep going, James. Keep believing.

After the last time he refused to see me, I needed to distract myself somehow before I fell apart entirely, so yesterday I went into work, quickly wishing I hadn’t bothered. From the second I stepped onto the marketing floor I had Mike up my arse, threatening disciplinary action over my absence. Stacey corrected him after lunch, stating that I’d been approved for unpaid leave. I think she might have made that up, but I’m grateful regardless.

I expected Stacey to quiz me for details about James but, to her credit, she didn’t. Ed, on the other hand, pushed me for gossip at every available opportunity, so I avoided him by making myself look busy even when I wasn’t.

When I got home, I finally started reading through the manuscripts I rescued from the slush pile to take my mind off things. It worked for a while, and I put one that intrigued me to one side in the hope I can convince submissions to take another look. It consisted only of the first three chapters, but I want more, so there must be something worth investigating.

I went back in this morning. As much as I hated yesterday, it’s a necessary evil. The curiosity surrounding James’ absence won’t subside until things return to normal, whatever
normal
may be.

Now, I’m at the hospital, sushi in hand, waiting for visiting time to start. Max thought it best I come alone so James’ doesn’t feel overwhelmed and I appreciate that, knowing he wants to see him just as much as I do.

When I’m let inside along with a handful of other visitors, I find James sitting in a different spot today, by a window overlooking a garden area. Walking over to him, I raise an eyebrow and hand him the paper takeaway bag.

“So what happened?” I ask, feigning a scolding expression.

“I’m sor-”

“I didn’t ask you to apologise. I asked what happened.”