A Tragic Heart (10 page)

My mother is silent for a long time. I know this means yelling is coming next.

“Mason, you are stupid. I taught you better, so you have no excuse. You chose to get married at such a young age, and I stuck by you, but I cannot stay by your side this time.” My mom is speaking calmly and it scares me.

“I know, Mom. I have to figure this one out on my own.”

“Well, at least you know. And by the way, your father and I will be there as soon as we can.”

I can’t believe she didn’t yell at me. But what I can’t believe even more is that my parents are more concerned about Taylor than hers are.

I guess I thought too fast, because as I was walk back to Peyton, I see her parents speaking to him.

“Mason, what happened? What would make her do this to herself?” her mother asks.

I don’t want to answer that question. I look over at Peyton and right before I answer, he says, “I left her. When she needed me the most, I left her. I was her best friend, and she was going through some hard times that I knew about, and instead of being there for her, I walked away.” Peyton was taking the fall for this entire mess.

“What kind of problems was she having?” her father asks, already displeased with Peyton’s answer.

“W-well, she was kind of trying to come to grips with the fact that she didn’t have her family anymore and she couldn’t spend the happiest times of her life with you. I’m not blaming you or anything, but it would’ve helped if you were there for her a little bit more. But I have to admit that most of it is my fault and I am very sorry.”

If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe that Peyton really believed this entire situation was his fault. But I can’t just let him take the blame for it. That isn’t right.

“She’s the one who decided she wanted to be emancipated, so we granted her wish. She never had any respect for us anyway, so why should we be around for someone like that?” her mother says sternly.

“Someone like that?! You mean someone who only wished for your love and respect and you didn’t give her shit? She loved you, for what reason I honestly don’t know, but she wanted more from you. Maybe if you would’ve just sacrificed a minute to ask how her day was, she would’ve given you more respect. But as far as I’m concerned, you didn’t do anything for her and you sure as hell are not helping now. You should just leave. Why the hell did you come anyway?” The words spray out of my mouth involuntarily—maybe because they’re talking about my wife, or maybe I just feel guilty because I knew this is my fault.

Peyton pulls me off to the side as I watch the angry expressions on her parents’ faces.

“What the hell are you doing man?” Peyton asks.

“Did you see them? Did you hear them? How they spoke about her? Like she wasn’t their daughter anymore? Who does that, Peyton? What kind of parent does that?” All of my words are spilling all over the place.

“I know, I know, Mason. But you can’t just go around cursing at her parents. That won’t solve anything!”

He’s right, but my mind can’t comprehend all of this right now. It’s all too much.

“Peyton, I can’t let you take the fall for this. You had nothing to do with this,” I say, much calmer now.

“Mason, it’s okay. I can take the blame. I’m part of the reason, anyway. I abandoned her and I shouldn’t have. She needed me. But most of all, she needs us right now. So stop bitching at her mom and dad and put your brave face on because we need it right now! And besides, do you really want to tell her parents you cheated on her and got a random girl pregnant?”

He’s right. I need to start thinking straight. Placing blame isn’t going to do anything but make matters worse.

A few minutes later, my parents come in. My mom doesn’t say much, but I can tell that she’s really disappointed in me. My dad seems mostly angry, but lucky for me, he’s too worried about Taylor to let the anger escape. We all sit and wait. There’s nothing else we can do.

***

It’s a little after one in the afternoon. I’ve already gone home to change and I’m back at the hospital. Peyton came back with me, and Jagger has called a few times to see if everything is okay. Taylor still hasn’t awakened, and I’m starting to become really worried now. The doctors say it’s normal and it happens sometimes, but I just want her to wake up.

At around 2:00 p.m., the doctor approaches Peyton and me. I can’t judge what he’s going to say by the look on his face because there is no expression.

“I have good news,” he says. “She just woke up, and if you give her a few minutes, you will be able to see her. We will be transferring her upstairs to the psychiatric department just after you see her. She’ll have to stay until they feel she’s well enough to function at home. Only one person can go in at a time right now.”

I thank him and wait a few minutes until they say it’s okay to go in.

“You should go first,” I say to Peyton.

“No. You should. You’re her husband,” he says with a confused look on his face.

“I’m not sure what to say to her yet, so I would like it if you went first,” I admit.

After all of this hoping and praying that she would wake up, I’m clueless about what to say to her. I guess I’d better get brainstorming.

Peyton

I
walk into her room and see her staring out the window. She looks at me for a split second and then turns her head again. I hate seeing her like this. And knowing that I’m to blame makes it even harder. I sit down on the chair next to her bed. “Hey,” I say in a low voice.

She doesn’t answer.

“How are you feeling?”

Still no answer.

I sigh and then take a deep breath and say, “Look, Tay, I am really sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I was trying to protect you. I should’ve known this would happen. And Mason—he loves you. I understand you may be upset, but it was an honest mistake. He loves you and he really cares about you. He’s been waiting here for you since this happened and he will continue to wait if he has to.”

She still won’t speak, let alone look at me.

“Tay, I’ve missed you. That’s the honest truth. I hurt while you were away. I had no one to tell my secrets to or share my feelings with—there was no one who understood me the way you do. I was just being stupid when I said those horrible things to you. It wasn’t me. It’s hard to explain now, since you’re not in the right state to hear this, so I’ll wait until you’re better. I guess I’ll leave now and let Mason come in and speak to you. I know you may not talk to him, but at least try to take what he has to say into consideration.
He loves you, and I know you still love him. Try to work it out. It will be worth it in the end.”

There isn’t much for me to say to her since she won’t respond. I’ve never seen her in this state before. I try to remember times when I felt similarly and continue to talk to her. That’s what she needs at the moment.
Someone to talk to her even though she won’t reply
. Just to know that someone else is there will be enough. I know because I’ve felt the same way before.

“You know, Tay, sometimes people do really stupid things, and we may not ever figure out why. I believe that sometimes we don’t know why we do these stupid things ourselves, but something in our brain tells us that it’s the right thing to do at the moment. What Mason did may not seem like a mistake because he did have a choice, but I know for a fact that he never intended to hurt you. When he asked you to marry him, he intended to have a long and happy life with you. Mason isn’t a bad guy, and you know that better than any of us do. It was a pretty shitty thing for him to do, but whatever you choose, you’ll still have to forgive him and let it go. I really want you to get better, Tay. I want you to hurry and get out of here so we can go back to the way things were…if that’s okay with you? I was being stupid just like Mason was, but we both care for you. We both love you.”

My heart starts to feel heavy, so I decide it’s a good time for me to let Mason come in. I don’t want to say too much. “I’ll stop by some other time to see you, okay?”

I touch her hand. I’d forgotten how soft her skin is. I force a smile, hoping to get a response from her.
Nothing
. She barely looks at me.

I get up to walk out, but before I do, I turn around to take one last look at her. It’s painful and heartbreaking to see her lying there, staring so lifelessly, as if she has nothing in this world to live for. If only she knew how far from the truth that is.

Mason

I
see Peyton coming out of her room and I know I’m not ready to go in yet; but I have to. I don’t know what to say to her or how to act or how to look at her. I don’t know anything. “How is she?” I ask Peyton. I know he can see the worry in my eyes.

He just slowly shakes his head. He looks teary-eyed; almost as broken as he did the night he left Karson’s house.

“She won’t speak to me. She just stares out the window without saying a word. She has no facial expression. She’s broken.” He struggles to get his words out.

I had no idea that Taylor meant this much to Peyton. I guess they’re closer than I thought. He’s acting as if he’s the one about to lose his wife. For a second, I get angry. But then I realize that Peyton didn’t do anything, and there is no reason for me to be upset with him.

“Peyton, I don’t know what to say to her. I can’t think of a word that would be appropriate at this time. I can’t go in there. I can’t see her like this.” I start to panic again.

“Mason, calm down! I can’t tell you what to say. I didn’t know what to say either; you just have to say whatever comes to mind,” Peyton says. “But you have to go in there. You can’t just leave now. She’s finally up, and you have to see her—let her know you still care.”

Once again, Peyton is right. I chose this ending and I had to be a man and carry it out. I slowly walk into her room. She’s staring
out the window, just as Peyton said. I’m not even sure if she knows I’m in the room with her, so I sit down next to her. There’s still no sign of any response from her. I want her to at least look at me. Acknowledge that I’m here; but there’s nothing. Not even a breath. I just stare at her, not knowing what to say or do. I want to touch her, but I don’t know if she’ll let me. I want to speak, but I don’t know if she’ll cry at the sound of my voice. I want to do a lot of things, but I don’t know how she’ll react.

I finally build up the courage to do something; so I touch her. I touch her hand and then move up to her forearm, where she had markings from previous cuts. I touch the outline of each cut and when I do, they each tell a story. Some scream; some cry; others even laugh. But the worst cut is the one that I caused—the one that is wrapped in white bandage. The reason she’s here. The fatal cut. I can’t touch it, but I feel its tragedy. I finally find the words to say to her.

“I am…so…so…sorry, Taylor.” My voice cracks. I let a few tears fall. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way…I didn’t mean it. And I know it may not matter to you now—or ever—but I love you. I really do. I want to forgive myself but…I can’t because…I don’t know if you’ve forgiven me yet. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself. You’re an amazing person…and you didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry…so…so…so…sorry.”

I hesitate for a while before continuing, “I want you to still love me. I know that may sound really selfish right now, but I don’t know if…I can live with knowing that you no longer love me. I know I don’t deserve for you to love me…but in life, we don’t deserve a lot of things. And your love is one of them…and right now, I’m being selfish…because I have to be. I need you to help me through this mess that I created. So I’m asking you to stay…with me. And to love me like nothing ever happened…and I realize that’s a horrible thing to ask. But I am selfish…and I can’t lose you.” I feel broken and I feel an ounce of anger.

She never looks at me, nor does she speak. But I see a tear fall and I know that means she heard me. I know that means she still cares.
And that is all that matters
…

Taylor

M
ason walks out crying. I know he saw the tear fall from my eye and I regret that. I didn’t want to show him any emotion, but it was hard. It has always been hard to hide my feelings from Mason. He says all the right things, and I believe that he didn’t mean it, but I can’t forgive him. He embarrassed me; he made me embarrass myself. And if I go back…

I love him
. I can’t even deny that in my thoughts. I love Mason Taylor, and that just won’t go away, ever. He gave me someplace to go in life; he made me believe in love and fairy tales. But he also stopped me in my tracks and made me resent storybooks. I love him and hate him at the same time. Is that possible? Can you love and hate someone at the same time? And is it fifty-fifty or some other fraction?

And Peyton
. What does he mean by “tried to protect” me? From what? He crushed me. He stepped on my heart and gave it to Mason to throw out. I hate him, too. I am who I am because of him. He made me better; but he also helped me to end up here.

Jackson. He says he’ll be here no matter what. What happened to forever? I didn’t know it was so short. He was the one who kept me going; but he forgot to charge me up when I needed him to.

So many disappointments; and here I am.

They took me up to the psychiatric department after Mason left. The only good thing is that I have my own room; the bad part is that all I can do is think, and I don’t want to. They try to get me to talk, the doctors. But I refuse. They even started me on medicine
that I fight taking every day. Why can’t they just leave me alone? Why couldn’t Mason just let me bleed out and die? Why did he have to play the hero, when he’s really the villain in this story? I won’t eat and I barely sleep. I only cry. No one has called, since I can’t have any phone calls and I can’t have any visitors until they feel that I am better. Who are they to tell me if I’m better or worse?

I doubt my family even cares about me. Eva and Henry probably prayed for me to die. I guess they didn’t pray hard enough. I wish they had. Jackson made himself pretty clear, and Kristen probably forgot I existed months ago. Sometimes I even forget I exist.