A Pox Upon Us (4 page)

“You know of anybody raising feedlot calves that are dependent on hay and grain around here? Seems to me if you can’t feed them and don’t have access to any refrigeration if you had to slaughter they ought to be willing to listen to some cheap pricing or barter.” Dennis offered after listening to the dilemma.

“Could be Andy McFarlane might be willing to sell off some his heifers, I know he over bought this year thinking he was going to make some extra money this season but he is kind of tight fisted with his pricing when it comes to selling under normal times.” Jeb said rubbing the side of his head thinking about how to approach him and his miserly ways.

“How far off the road is his pasture? Could be he is having as many worries as you about protecting his stock and might want to reduce his liabilities.” Arnie asked.

“What do you mean Liabilities”? Do you mean a small herd draws less attention? He has a feed lot operation, just a bunch of big corrals and a barn with very little pasture with about 150 head on site. He can be seen from the highway quite clearly, though.” Margo questioned.

“Well, I meant that, but Dennis here told me that the government will be using some of those danged emergency powers acts to commandeer crops and livestock for the “so-called common good”. We might remind him that he might end up being a “Government Farmer” if his spread looks big enough to bother.” Arnie said and looked to Dennis for confirmation.

“What Arnie
here is saying is true, the Emergency Powers acts and various Executive orders empower the government to pretty much regulate and control any damn thing they want including forming Civilian Labor gangs if deemed necessary.” Dennis replied.

“Well doesn’t that get your ox stuck in the ditch; if you look prosperous you don’t only have to worry about the common thieves but the government rustlers as well.” Jeb fumed.

“Still and all that skinflint Andy probably has the first nickel he ever made and he and them boys of his would rally their clan and put some buckshot in any government revenuers britches that tried to take their cattle without full payment I am thinking. He doesn’t know you all, you had better let me try to go talk to him and negotiate first before one of them carpetbaggers talk to him. You all got any sipping whiskey to loosen his pocketbook any? Andy likes a snort here and there and is a lot easier to talk to if you do a bit of socializing first?’ Jeb said as Margo nodded knowingly about Andy liking to tipple a bit at any chance he could.

“Just so happens we do have a little private stock to lend to the effort. I don’t have any store bought liquor but me and Charles here got some shine we just cooked up that will curl Andy’s toes and loosen his tongue to be a might more agreeable guaraaaaaaaaanteed!” Dennis said wearing a world record shit eating grin that Charles also shared and beamed in Jebidiahs direction.

“Well I tell ya, normally Andy likes to be bribed with top shelf scotch but beggars can’t be choosers these days so I suppose that would work. I shared some white lightening with him before but he cut it with some cola. You got any of that to go with it as chaser?” Jeb said to Dennis’s horror.

“We might, just might. What do you say Dennis?” Charles said smirking at an obviously unhappy Dennis.

“Give me a minute now; just hold up a minute or two now. We haven’t quite explored all the angles yet.” Dennis began objecting.

“That’s Dennis’s booze drink mix of choice and he is not real happy about trading any off.” Charles said in a loud stage whisper to a grinning Jeb.

“I can hear you, you know that don’t you, you old heathen.” Dennis said making a face at Charles that made Margo start to crack up with laughter.

“Come on now boy it’s for a good cause. DONATE!” Jeb said with a small smile and hands on his hips.

“I will do it, but I was just saying there are other options. I can make some of that infamous apple pie moonshine or a couple other flavored hooch combinations. Let’s not start trading anything we’re going to be out of soon enough. I got a whole container of Country Time lemonade you can use for mixer and it would last a whole lot longer than the 1 liter of coke I had in mind for the cause.” Dennis said, hopeful that his suggestion looked like it was being well received.

“That actually sounds like a pretty good beverage to share around.” Margo said encouraging Jeb and Charles to consider Dennis’s proposal with a small smile.

“Yea, there you go! And if you give me a few minutes I will be back here in a flash with a sample for you to taste test. Matter of fact after that little scare we had with the unexpected gunfire I bet everyone back at the house would like one also. Hey, come on back with me and you can have yours with some ICE!” Dennis said rubbing his hands together that his plan to keep his sodas was working out so well.

“You got ICE? How did you manage that?” Margo asked incredulously.

“That boy is a ‘prepper” he runs a portable icemaker off his solar power battery units. There ain`t no telling what he might have stored or come up with. But I draw the line at operating that “Crank-A-Watt” of his to create some kind of Frankenstein in the “skunk works” mad scientist laboratory of his.” Charles said throwing a sweaty muscular arm around Dennis’s neck in comradely fun as he pretended to choke.

“Hell boy if you got ice for a drink lets head your way, come on feets don’t fail me now! Get a move on Charles, I see a Lynchburg Lemonade in the making” Jebidiah said trying to keep up with Margo as they headed to the Dennis` “Prepper shack”.

“Hey, hold on there now, those girls are still a bit jittery and well ARMED. You best let me do some hollering about “check fire” before we look like targets even though they know its all clear.

“What was damn pistol shot all about anyway Dennis. I thought you might have had some extra aggressors infringing on your back 40.” Charles said pointedly

“Damn …Me and you both, it wasn’t nothing except clearing a pistol but it was at a particularly bad time and we going to have a talk about that.” Dennis said good naturedly as he went to the front of the group to lead them into his property.

“I heard that too! Bad enough it sounded like we were going make popcorn with the rifles over here, but then you and Charles started doing the war yells to each other and that ghost shot had me diving for cover.” Margo said pointing at the mud stains on her knees

“I thought that come from you hiding behind a bush and trying to give an old man a heart attack.” Arnie said to pester the young woman a bit for scaring him damn near to death.

“Oh Jeezus!! “ Dennis hollered as the neighbors husky decided to play his favorite game of sneaking up on him at the same moment.

“Damn Arnie you got any of that heart medicine left?” Dennis said sheepishly as he recomposed himself and rubbed the friendly hounds’ ears.

“Hell. No, I just seen you about to get ate up by a wolf! Where the hell did that dog come from anyway?” Arnie said doing his best Fred Sanford interpretation and staggering around holding his own chest misery.

“Damn scared the hell out of me too, I damn near shot you aiming at him and that freaks me out.” Margo said a bit tearfully.

“Like Dennis said, Drinks are in order. Don’t worry yourself darling, that wolf dog almost been shot or hit by me more times than one myself and it’s a good lesson to know what your aiming at before you point a gun barrel at it and they went to Dennis’s house with nervous laughter and a bit of paranoia.

Wolfie scampered down the driveway towards the house and Suzy came out to greet him. “Sorry about the loose shot going off, Charlene handed me the gun without warning me there was no safety on it!” Suzy explained. “What happened out there? “She asked trying to draw attention away from her.

“First off that darn pot of water you brought out here for that fool of a sneaky dog needs to be for Floyd, dump it on his head when he appears…where the heck is he at the moment anyway?” Dennis asked wondering what line of defense Floyd had given his home front when he was the only male about.

. 

“You’re right about that dumping the water on him, funny thing though! Suzy said guffawing and looking in the direction of the dejected head poking up from behind Dennis’s “ballistic log”.

“Guess What Dennis?  Floyd ran for cover and sat in a big pile of doggy doo and I was headed for him to clean up a bit when you all wandered back to camp” Suzy said looking amused.

Wolfie meantime was trying to get a drink from the stove pot she was toting but Suzy pulled it back and said “I’ll get you more; right now Floyd needs to get decent so we can stand to be around him!”

“Hey guys, I had me a bit of an accident and you need to be understanding.” A very embarrassed Floyd called out from behind a 48 inch pine log Dennis had left for decoration or defense when he had his property cleared of trees for a garden and orchard.

Dennis’s Mom came out of the house with a pair of pants for Floyd saying “They may be a bit small for ya but we cant call you ‘droopy
drawers’ no more if you fit that butt of yours in them!” the grinning old women said relived it was just country hijinks and not the end of the world or a threat to her son.

Suzy
grabbed the pants and stainless steel cook pot in hand and headed for the woods where Floyd was waiting impatiently to get “decent” again.

The next thing the amused visitors knew his sister Lorraine came out of the woods with about a six foot stick with his jeans and underwear preceding her.

“Hey Lorraine if you going to surrender to us its supposed to be a WHITE FLAG, and not that brown mess you toting on the end of that stick.” Jebidiah said as Charles and Dennis leaned on each other for support while suffering gales of laughter and weakness in the knees at the humorous discomfort Floyd had gotten himself into.

6

Solutions

After a great deal of laughter and good natured kidding of Floyd had ceased, it was mentioned that they all needed to have a serious talk about security in the future but right now the pressing matter of acquiring some cows needed to be addressed.

“How much do you reckon a cow costs Jeb?” Dennis asked worriedly.

“Well a grown steer used to cost about 800 dollars but that’s not what we will be wanting. Let’s figure out what kind of cash and barter we got I will put together the best deal I can. I would like to get some what we call “2fers” if I can Jeb said referring to a purchase of one pregnant heifer with one calf sucking that was labeled as a two for one buy.

“I don’t know what the neighbors might be willing to contribute or even have in the way of coin and barter but we got about $800 hard cash amongst us and 40 gallons of that shine you been sipping to contribute to an effort.” Dennis offered as his tribes buy in to the cattle project.

“What kind of price you putting on that white liquor Dennis?” Jeb said raising his eyebrows.

“I am putting it $50.00 a gallon. Might sound a bit steep but it’s a 100 proof on a scale that I will be trading you and it can watered down for drinking or mixed as is with gas for driving. Prices are whatever a buyer will buy for or a seller will sell so argue it out at the feed lot with Andy and use your best judgment.’ Dennis said guesstimating what his hooch might be worth in these days and times.

“That actually might be a fair going price. So you are saying that 40 gallons is worth about 2 grand huh?” Margo said after doing some mental math and conferring with Jeb.

“How long will it take you to make more or can you make any more? You got fixings left for another batch?” Jeb asked calculating a purchase.

“Well, that all depends on any number of things, but better say two weeks to production of another unless we can figure out a way to increase output. Also it depends on what we are making mash out of.” Charles replied.

“I got a suggestion folks. If Jeb here has any feed corn left that ain`t assigned he wants to throw in, we can use a page and recipe I saved from